Survivor 8.7 Happy Trails, Colby...

Alas, poor Colbster, we knew him well. Meh, the guy has a national razor commercial airing, and a burgeoning acting career (anyone else catch his hilarious turn as a jerkier version of himself on Curb Your Enthusiasm?), there's no reason to feel bad for the guy. And really, it was his own fault...

IS THERE A RIGHT SIDE OF A BED MADE OF BAMBOO LOGS?

Morning at Leggo my Eggo, and Shii Ann and Kath are reveling in the spectacular beauty of the Pearl Islands (next season's Survivor should be called Escape from the Pearl Islands) but their quite meditation is shattered by cranky Jerri, who brays loudly from the shelter about her aching back and bug bites. Shii Ann wants her out because, as she explains to Kathy, "I know every thought that's in her brain because it's coming out of her mouth." Call me crazy, but that seems like an ideal adversary to me. But Shii Ann has a point: The conditions are horrible for everyone but Jerri's the only one who's devoted their time on the island to bitching about it. Kath agrees, "Jerri doesn't have much of a work ethic, and when you have a bad seed in the tribe, man, it can bring the whole tribe down. She's not a BAD seed, she's an annoying seed." Colby posits that Jerri hasn't changed anything about her game play or attitude towards others since Australia, but I think he's wrong. In the Outback, Jerri was the leader (or at least thought she was). Here, she's being very deferential to what others want to do, at least in terms of voting. Colby is unfazed by Jerri, declaring that she doesn't bother him because he know she won't win the game. That's what I said for 13 weeks in 2000 about Richard Hatch, fyi. Kath and Shii Ann take a swim in order to mock Jerri in private. Kath effects a Southern Belle accent and says, "Ah sweah, that woman is SUCH a bitch," and I would have thought it was funny if I weren't still off the Kath train. The women's laughter carries to shore, where Evil Jerri just KNOWS they're laughing about her, "What else would they be talking about except me? Seriously, I know I'm on my own in this game but I'm CONSTANTLY being underestimated in this game. My plan is working--I want to be seem as the zen-like, easy going Jerri that's here to have fun." I laughed when she said this, but then I remembered what a bully she was in Australia. She HAS backed down this time around, but she needs to stop her sobbing.

IMMUNITY LIMERICK (And Happy St. Patrick's Day!)

There once was a cute boy named Ethan
Who had his own tribe mad and seethin'
His decisions were wrong
And he too far to long
In the end his tribe was barely breathin'

Before the Reward/Immunity Combo challenge, Rupert and Jenna run down Ethan in order to suck up to Shakira, claiming that he tended to freak out during challenges. I was all indignant about this but it turns out they were right :p

The Challenge is a real butt-kicker, and the stakes are high. the winner not only gets immunity and a day of food, booze and fun aboard a luxury yacht, but they also get to choose one person from the other tribe to join them. This person will miss Tribal Council. I looooooved this twist and wish they'd do this more often. The challenge itself involves much swimming and diving, as each player must dive into the drink to untie giant puzzle pieces, which will be assemble into an actual boat! The Puzzle Boats RULE!! :D Then they paddle the boats to shore, send one runner into the jungle to cut down their flag and collect two more paddles, and then the whole tribe paddles back to the platform.

The race is maybe the closest race in recent Survivor memory--it's a tight race all the way. Ethan breaks one of the teams paddles when he tries to use it as a hammer to assemble the Puzzle Boat. It doesn't seem to have dire consequences, as the Eggos get a good jump on Shakira and arrive on shore with a nice lead. I have to interject here to comment on Ethan's MAGNIFICENT body. Muscular but in a lanky athletic way. I swear, I feel like Sally to his Linus, "Isn't he the cutest thing?" :) Chachi is able to pass Ethan though, when Ethan can't untie the knots that hold his paddles. Shakira rows hard and wins the challenge. Kath sobs in agony afterwards, which really bothered me. I know this may be mean, but I'm sorry. I didn't appreciate her bringing me so far into her core of disappointment. She really has to learn how to keep it together. Shakira elects to take HER on their Party Boat, which was interesting. I would have gone after Jerri or Ethan, presuming they were still Yogi outsiders. But maybe they didn't want to protect either from the next vote? Also, they aren't physically threatened by Kath and Chachi's calling the shots--he may be hoping to rekindle the bond they had in the Marquesas (Kathy and Boston Rob were their teams elected captains, and formed a secret alliance, which was ultimately not enough to save him from the Smuggly's wrath).

THE SHAKIRA HILLBILLIES!

The unsophisticated Shakirans are delighted to spend the day aboard a 94-foot luxury yacht. Kath tells us she was bummed to be asked along because she was so upset that they lost and she was worried about how it might look to her tribe, while she wisely gushes thanks and gratitude to her Shakira hosts. Rupert is in his element as the Provider of Good Things and tells her, "You were our only choice--you have good friends on this tribe." They share a toast to three more days--I was actually glad they one because now they can't blame Sue should they lose their advantage.

Big Tom raves about the yacht, "Det boah, ah aine nev seen ah boah lahk tat. Et Rehmine meh of the fancyess hass trailuh ya evuh seen...float." Big Tom pretty much makes my redneck jokes for me. Can't you just hear Buddy Ebsen referring to the Queen Mary as "the fanciest House Trailer ah ever did see...float"? Then we're treated to another Survivor gorge-fest where these people have to go and on about how GREAT food is! "There's chicken and bread and fruit and meat and---" yes, WE KNOW WHAT FOOD IS. We are NOT starving, you are. Rupert raves that the food was, "Salty, greasy, beautiful..." and I thought "Covergirl." Kath marvels at how welcomed she is (uh, they ARE trying to woo you, Kath) and is immediately tempted to swing over to Shakira in a merge, though she needs to be careful about when and where she swings. Swinging Kath! Will she or won't she? Tom does his part by leading his tribe in one of their "army call" chants, "We got a new girl, her name is Kat! (tribe repeats) 'She fits in, Jes Like dat!" (tribe repeats) and thean they all go, "Doo dah doo dah doo dah day!" Personally, I think Kath is exactly the type of woman (strong, smart Yankee) that will rub Tom the wrong way but right now, it's just one big happy hoedown. Or in Amber's case, Ho-down.

I HEART ETHAN ZOHN

Or "Zorn," to hear Bryant Gumbel tell it. Back at camp, Ethan says mea culpa to his tribe for blowing the race. Jerri and Shii Ann both quickly absolve him, claiming it was a group failure, but Ethan insists, "I feel responsible, and I'm taking responsibility for it. I'm sorry." Colby says, "Right On." I'm glad I'm not the only one. Ethan berates himself for letting down his team and frets that his team will now oust him. "It feels horrible to fail--you're either the hero or the goat, and this time I was the goat." I thing Ethan is as appealing when he struggles with his short-comings as when he's being his usual super-self. Sigh, Ethan.

BACK TO THE COUNTRY BEAR JAMBOREE

Seriously, this episode was like flipping between reruns of "The Sopranos" and "Hee Haw." Shakira: Temporary Population: Seven. Saaal-ute. The Shakirans are taken to an oasis for their dessert course and they stuff their faces yet again. Amber takes a moment to marvel at the scenery, "It's so crazy to think there are places that beautiful in the world and we're getting a chance to see them." I think I'd really like Amber if her life's mission weren't to aid and abet the most evil player in whatever game she's playing. Everyone dives into a pool from a waterfall, and Kath is totally charmed, "Shakira is enjoying the game. At Eggo it's work, work, work. These guys are always singing silly songs." Yes folks, Kath is putting Big Tom's antics in Shakira's "plus" column. Kath knows switching sides will be tricky, and that she can't let on how well she fit in with Shakira when she returns home to Eggo.

SOMEONE'S IN THE KITCHEN WITH JERRI

And it ain't Keith Famie. Does Keith still have his show on Food Network? I dunno. He ain't no Survivor All-Star, that's for sure. This time it's Shii Ann who must put up with Jerri's backseat cooking. Jerri sneers as Ethan and Shii Ann agree that the rotting coconut will be edible once it's cooked. It really makes me hope that Jerri will get to see Shii Ann eat animal entrails and eyeballs like she did in Thailand, just to further gross out Jerri. Is anyone else as bothered as me that Jerri is wearing the EXACT same outfit she wore in the Outback? The same hat, the same blue and black wetsuit/bathing suit, the same fake, tight smile? Shii Ann bemoans the fact that Jerri is only willing to do the chores that you're already doing, and Colby suggests the gals put on boxing gloves as they snipe about how to properly prepare the coconut. Jerri tries to wrestle the chopping knife from Shii Ann, "I can DO this! I used to be a bartender--and this is almost like chopping lemons and limes! Once, Ricky Martin came into my bar, and this was when he was, you know, RICKY MARTIN? I'm like, a professional chopper." Ethan delights in the tension between the two women, hoping it will save his skin. Colby has no use for either woman, "Shii Ann annoys me just as much as Jerri does--I'd have a hard time deciding between the two." Well Colby, you will soon be put of out of your misery...

COME INTO OUR PARTY BOAT, SAID SHAKIRA TO THE KATH

The Shakiran's get loaded on booze and then try to drive golf balls off the back to the boat. Chachi brags, "Ah was ahn duh State Champion golf team at mah high school." Uh...what!? Chachi, you ain't no tough guy if you were on the freaking GOLF team in high school, ya poseur. Chachi eventually flings the driver into the water by accident, prompting a sloshed Kath to dissolve in a fit of giggles. Big Tom goes off to fish and the other men make themselves scarce so the womenfolk can interrogate the softened-up Kath, who sings like a canary. It kind of reminded me of that scene in "Cold Mountain" where those scary hillbillies get Jude Law drunk and tempt him with their feminine wiles, all so they can turn him into the Confederates for being a deserter. It's a trap, Kath, IT'S A TRAP! Alicia is cautious, "She's tough and smart and I wouldn't expect her to tell us the whole truth." Kath tells them that she, Lex and Shii Ann tend to vote alike, which is true but not really earth-shattering. She doesn't tell them about Colby's unilateral decision to oust Hatch and how annoyed she was about it, etc.. Later, the gang shares some champagne, which Big Tom doesn't care for: "thar tuh main bubbles hinit." They dance some sort of Shakiran Unity Jig on the bow of the boat. Interestingly enough, Kath is included but Rupert and Jenna are off snoozing or something--are they still the odd men out?

COLBY'S CHICKENS COME HOME TO ROOST

We open with a shot of a spider, so we know that plotting is afoot. A nervous Ethan (who describes himself as "a jumbled puzzle") lobbies a very receptive Colby to eliminate Jerri tonight. Colby can't wait to drop the hammer on her, laughing, "I'll TELL her we're voting her out tonight--it's not like she'll be able to do anything about it! I assumed the moment Jerri joined this tribe that everyone's game plan would mirror mine and everyone would hate her and want her gone!" He assumes Lex's vote is in the bag. He continues to ramble to us, "I don't think "Survivor" is a game Jerri Manthey was meant to play. She has such a negative effect on people." Which may be true, but you're the one coming off like a cocky jerk at the moment, Colby.

Lex tells Colby he's onboard, but he's not. He informs us, "I came into the All-Stars wanting to play the came completely different than I did in Africa. I'm no longer being led by my gut. Oh, my gut is still a consultant, but my brain is the CEO: Chief Executive Organ. And my brain is telling me to lie a little in this game and take advantage of one of the GREATEST opportunities to shake-up the game in the HISTORY of The Game! I'm gonna do something that no one expects ol' Lex to do, ya dig?" He and Jerri take a walk, and Lex says ominously, "Ethan and Colby are gunning for you tonight, but that's not gonna happen. We're gonna do Colby tonight," as though ordering a hit on the handsome Texan. He goes on and on, "This may be our one and only opportunity to get rid of him--once we get to individual immunity, the guy's almost unbeatable--" "Lex, I've been fantasizing about voting out Colby for the last three years, I'm totally onboard!" Jerri interrupts. She tells us, "One of my goals in this game was to outlast Colby, so of course I'm all about this plan. I'd also like to make out with Jeff Probst and steal Rob from Amber--just to prove I can." Lex is worried about Shii Ann's vote, telling Jerri, "This vote could mean the difference between her lasting a long time in this game, and her going home really soon." Jerri replies, "Well, yeah, duh. She sucks." Lex give Shii Ann the 411 and she frets, "I was really looking forward to getting rid of that lazy-ass bitch, Jerri. And my biggest ally is on a yacht so I might have to, like, think for myself here, which really blows." Colby allows for the fact that Jerri might be Hatching a scheme, "It SHOULD be 4-1 Jerri tonight but Jerri is SOoooo evil that I wouldn't put it past her to try and cook up something if she feels her back's to the wall. That's another reason she's gotta go. Plus, this is a game of curveballs. Also, I'm being so arrogant right now...I've watched the show before, and sometimes when people get really arrogant, it turns out it's their turn to go home. But...naaaah."

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff goads Ethan about blowing the race, an event that we viewers know is irrelevant to tonight's vote. Ethan again takes responsibility, adding, "I hated losing to Chachi." Jeff inquires about the animosity between the two tribes, and Colby also declares his hatred of Boston Rob. "He's just jealous because Ethan and I are so pretty, mind you, but yeah, we hate those guys. Co-existing with those slack-jawed yokels is not something I'm looking forward to," he says, unaware that he won't have to worry about that. Jeff goes a little overboard in mocking their belief that a merge is imminent, "You guys are already thinking a merge is gonna happen!? REALLY!?" Which makes me think a merge is about to happen.

Jerri claims that she votes for the person who she sees as her biggest threat in the game. Colby interrupts her to criticize, "I disagree with that lame strategy, woman! We're here because we lost! And it doesn't make any sense to cut our legs off right now and get rid of someone who can help us win the next challenge!" Which is a good point (Shii Ann certainly LOOKS swayed) but Colby is voting out Jerri because he hates her and he knows she hates him--so he's voting the same way she is. Then Shii Ann riles up Jerri when she tells Jeff that from a physical standpoint, she and Jerri are the weakest members of the tribe, "Sorry to speak for you," she adds and Jerri huffs, "Yeah, please don't." Then she cause a massive outbreak of eye-rolling when she insists, "I'm good at PUZZLES, I'm good at STRATAGIZING...I'm good at chopping things around camp...I'm an upbeat member of the tribe and I'm generally in a good mood except for the first five hours after I wake up and when Shii Ann is being bossy which is ALL THE TIME!" Shii Ann frowns, "Hey I'M the Asian member of this tribe and therefore I'M the one who's good at puzzles, okay?" She HAD to be rethinking voting out Colby at this point, even when she declares him the biggest physical threat in the game. Colby gets a LITTLE nervous, "Wow--jeepers, I can't believe that. Golly, that makes me feel a little vulnerable," he aw-shucks. C'mon, Colby, you won almost every single Immunity in Australia and everyone knows it (although so did Jenna in the Amazon, for all those players who're looking at the ladies as "non-threatening." Colby muses, "AM I the guy they gotta get rid of?" And yes, turns out he is.

Colby is downed 3-2, with Jerri cackling, "Is this a revenge vote? Hell yeah!" I think Colby was so caught up in being the Alpha male, he forgot that this is a game of numbers. It was poor game-playing on his part to attack Shii Ann, not fence-mend with Jerri and then assume that Lex and/or Ethan wouldn't desperately want him out of the game. Shii Ann was SO on the fence in this vote--had he not earlier given her a big lecture about how little respect he had for her "style," he would EASILY have gotten her to help him oust Jerri, whom she can't stand. Shii Ann said as much herself when she voted, "Instead of underestimating my powers, maybe you should analyze your own." Yup. Side Note: Doesn't Colby have the nicest handwriting? I'll miss it. Colby is suitably gracious in his exit speech.

POLL RESULTS

Well, I hope all of you who didn't answer the survey HATE Ethan, because he won my popularity contest :p Colby was next (sorry, Colbster fans). Alicia and Lex were close behind and tied for third and then Shii Ann, Rupert and Jerri each got one vote. I'm proud that no one voted for Chachi or Big Tom. I'm sure Kath and Rupert were hurt by recent events.

Tonight, assuming no merge (we usually merge at 10 and there's still 11 people in the game, it would really stun me if they merged on an odd number) I think Ethan is out with the Eggos, while the Shakira's are either going to dump Alicia or...Rupert? I think Jenna is clearly the weakest physical link but that's in her favor if everyone is looking ahead to a merge. My hope would be that the Chachi and Amber nookie would spur the tribe to dump one of them, but none of them seem savvy enough to use the Big Brother mantra and "Break Up the Couples." They SHOULD, but they won't. The commercials imply a merge but I'm thinking they're gonna do what they did in the Amazon and switch the tribes (using team captains) one more time and then merge after a week or two...or three...or four...

"Yes, I lied, but I lied to Jerri, so that's alright." Colby Donaldson, 2001

Peace Out! Christine :D