Survivor 7.13 Bye Bye Burtie :D

Once again, a special Sunday Survivor Finale means I've got to bang out my review pronto! Yipes! This was another fantastic hour of television, thanks to the unbearable arrogance of Burton and Jon and the timely solidarity of Darrah, Sandra and Lill...

SMUG AND SMUGGER

Jon and Burton make no effort to hide their glee at having ousted Christa and duped Sandra. Burton brags, "Chalk another one up for Jon and me--Christa never saw it coming. Another blindside. Mmmm mmmm, how I love me some blindside. That's three in a row!" Jon tries to convince Sandra that Christa was lobbying for them to oust Sandra instead of Lill. An angry and skeptical Sandra scowls, I guess I shouldn't complain--I got three more days." Jon snickers, "Sandra's totally clueless--she thinks she's going next but we want to get Darrah because her athletic prowess is starting to make us question our manhood." The next day, a resigned-to-expulsion Sandra reveals her plot to slowly sabotage the camp over the next few days by hiding or destroying the tribe's water cans, fishing gear and cooking utensils little by little, to ensure maximum suffering once she's gone. You don't mess with Sandra--who must make one HELL of an interesting "office assistant." Take the last jelly donut and she's liable to hide your stapler.

The next morning, Jon, Burton and Lill go hunting for cockles and mussels, alive alive-o. Jon wants to target Darrah but Lill says, "Wuhl, I'm not to wild about that, you know?" She whines to us, "We had a paaact. What happened to out alliiiiiiiance of four? What happened to Burton saying we were gonna be the Final Twoooooo? Now he wants to get rid of Darrah before Sandra? Gee. If they can screw Darrah over...why, they can screw ME over!!!" Um. Yeah, DUH. You mean, the same way they screwed over Rupert, Tijuana and Christa? Jon and Burton are lying and have lied to EVERYONE in this game EXCEPT you? How did that ever sound like the truth?

LONG-ASS REWARD CHALLENGE

To win yet another overnight feast away from the others, this one in the ruins of Old Panama CIty, the Survivors must compete in another jailbreak-like game that involves digging, finding co-ordinates, untying stuff, grabbing keys, breaking plates and doing a word puzzle. When the ever-incompetent Boy Scout Leader Lill starts digging randomly rather than try to figure out which way's North, Jeff calls her on and she gets all flustered and starts spazzing out, "Focus Lill, FOCUS! Shut up, Daddy I CAN do this, I KNOW I CAN! Oooo! I can't think!" That's the only interesting thing that happens, and Burton wins easily, much to the delight of his trusty suck-up sidekick Jon--who really does make a rather fitting Robin to Burt's Batman. Burton picks Jon to come with him on his adventure and the two men proceed to jump up and down and scream "We're the Kings of the World!" If Burton was half the mastermind he reckons himself to be, he would have chosen wavering Lill and worked the Outcast Bond and the "I Burton will be the Big Strong Male Protector and carry you to the end" lie while Jon kept an eye on Sandra and Darrah. Instead he leaves the three women alone at camp and highlights and underscores his close alliance with Jon. :D

THE CAR CURSE

Burton is thrilled with his decision to take his closest conspirator, "Honestly we keep going on these things with people we don't really like very much," he sneers. Jon chuckles, "This was the first time we felt we could leave the girls alone in camp without our supervision and not worry about them, ha ha ha, plotting against us or whatever." Jeff accompanies the boys to a parking lot where he reveals that Burton has also won a GMC Envoy SUV, and Burton and Jon are so excited about it they start making out. Burton then rhapsodizes, "I'm SUPER athletic and do all sorts of manly things like camping and snowboarding and whatnot, so I'm the perfect person to win this vehicle." He SHOULD be nervous--the winner of the car reward has NEVER won the million dollars--Colby, Lex, Sean, Ted and Matt. Jon gushes, "30 days ago I would have been so jealous and angry if anyone but me won a car but now that I'm Burton's bitch I think it's fabulous!" The two men drive to their feast and Jon swoons, "Burton, you're the ONLY person I like in this game." Burton smirks, "I'm pretty DAMNED irresistible, ain't I?" Then we have to endure yet another tribute to the glories of food: "Wow! Food! It was so great! It was so much better than licking slime of rocks!" The guys share a hearty laugh at the thought of the girls back at camp eating mussels. Burton scoffs, "None of them is yet to catch a fish--they've been riding coattails this entire time." Hey Burt, if this game were really about who works hardest, Rupert would still be there kicking your ass. This game is not called PROVIDER or BEST LIAR or MASTERMIND, it's called SURVIVOR. Some survive by lying and deceit, others by laying low, others by excelling at the challenges when it matters. It is VERY (and WAY TOO) important for both Jon and Burton to appear in control of every single thing that happens, as though being "The Mastermind" is the only legit way to go. But there's more than one way to win this game and they ALL require luck and adaptability. Most importantly, you have to survive yourself and the way YOU'VE played. Presently, Jon and Burton are too power mad to account for what's about to happen...

HELEN AND JAN DON'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE

The girls lay about on the shelter, as Burton predicted, not fishing. Lil hedges, "It's hard not to wonder what those two boys are saying...or what they've promised each of us." Sandra frowns, 'Duh, they've promised us each the same thing." Lil imparts, "Don't trust anything Jon says," and Sandra replies, "Duh--I've been saying that from the beginning! I've always said they were both snakes and that they're both good liahs!" You uh, also dumped Tijuana instead of Burton when ya had the chance, Sandra. Let's not forget. Then the floodgates open and Lill informs an unsurprised Darrah of the boys plans to oust her before Sandra, "Wuhl, but I fooought for you. It should be SANDRA, I said," she insists right in front of Sandra. Darrah asserts that they need to get rid of the boys and Sandra agrees, "You don't have to tell me twice. Whichever doesn't win immunity--he's gone. No need to discuss it in the bushes where it can easily be overheard by...whoevuh." Then Lill has to be the wet blanket, "Wuhl, waaaait a minute. No matter whaaaat I may not be able to do any better than third because neither of you wants to go up against someone as nice and kind and good as I am!" But Sandra presents a good case, claiming Lill will have a better chance at winning immunity against the other two girls than she would against the boys. Lill nods, "I think we get Burton first." The girls all agree that should either of them win, Burton is the target and Sandra decides to put aside her plans to terrorize the camp...for now.

TESTOSTER-OH NO

Back at the ruins, Jon giggles, "So, are we even remotely worried about the girls strategizing against us?" Burton guffaws, "I think we can squash anything they come up with pretty quickly--none of them have had a strategy so far, why should they start now?" Jon feels that since they only need to sway one of the girls to their side, they're totally safe and besides, "We have the intellectual advantage." >:p Burton and Jon decide not to tell the women that Burton won the car so they won't resent him--don't worry, they hate you enough as it is, Burton. Burton isn't done bragging, "Jon and I have been running the game for some time now and I don't think the girls could come up with a strategy if they HAD to." WHAT strategy do they need come up with? It's not calculus we're talkin' here, it's simple arithmetic. 3 is greater than 2. If they CHOOSE to vote one of you out it is GOING to happen. Burton and Jon have no worries as they set up the camper tent section of Burton's massive SUV and Jon says, "We've played everything about as good as it could be played in this game," and Burton laughingly replies, "A bunch of people are about to get run over by a bus but you and I are good." They spend the rest of the night making sweet love to one another.

THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TRIBE

Lill has had trouble sleeping and moans, "I don't know why God's putting me through this." It's to punish you Lill. Ay yi yi, you're the one that signed up for 40 days in the wilderness on a cutthroat reality show, leave God out of it. Lill thinks she might be having menopause-related symptoms and proceeds to whine and wail and fret about Burton's being mad at her if she turns on him and Jon. Sandra and Darrah fret about Loose Cannon Lill and her habit of freaking out and over-reacting to every little thing. Sandra insists to the other girls that she will agree to whatever plan Jon comes to her with, but won't actually betray the New Girl Alliance. Darrah and Lill begin phase one of their scam by trotting dutifully out to greet the returning heroes and immediately regaling them stories about how rude Sandra is being and how they can't wait to get rid of her. They deny that Sandra tried to enlist them to get rid of Burton or Jon and Burton shakes his head, "No, that doesn't sound right--she'd HAVE to have talked about ME." He goes over to the shelter, where Sandra looks to be dying of consumption, and tries to flirt her out of bed. Sandra feigns utter depression and tells him she doesn't intend to do anything to help around camp since she's the next to be voted out. Burton isn't really buying the act but he shrugs, "None of them are very good liars or very good strategizers so we'll wear them done eventually." He tries to lean on Lill but pushes to hard and Lill snaps, "Honey, what do you want me to SAY!? I'm tired, I'm in pain, I want to go HOoooome to my dirty house and my garden and I'm having woman troubles!" And Burton runs away.

Meanwhile, Jon tries his charms (yeah, I know) on Sandra. He tells her she's NOT doomed, and that she has been specially selected to join him and Burton in the Final Three! She makes him swear on his poor dead grandmother which he does and then he makes her swear on her kids. Sandra scoffs to the camera, "And then he wanted to see my hands while I swore--so I wouldn't cross my fingers I guess? How stupid is that," she cackles, and America laughs with her. Sandra explains that in her mind, she was swearing on her children to screw over the boys, not to gun for Darrah and Lill, as Jon believes. She does NOT make a reference to fat women and wicker furniture.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

keys float on water
darrah dashes on wood planks
Burton sucks, ha ha

Yeah...look, I'm tired okay? The Immunity challenge has the Survivors filling a canteen with water, and using that water to pour into a glass chute in order to raise a key on a float high enough so that they can reach it and unlock and lower a series of planks. It's not even close--Darrah's teensy hands allow her to get the keys with far less effort than the others, and her athletic ability (?!) handles the rest. Darrah may be boring, but damn, is she representing for herself as she takes home her third straight Immunity.

Back at camp, the boys are settled on ousting Lill. Jon shrugs, "I feel kinda bad but Lill's really breaking down and she's not doing as much work around camp and there's really no point to Lill when she's not working her ass off, is there?" He asks her how she is and she whines mournfully, 'Look, I already gave my full report to Mr. Burton so please stop playing tag team on me." Jon is defensive, "WHa--I was genuinely interested in your well-being, I swear on my poor beloved dead grandmother!" He runs to his master and tells Burton that he thinks something's rotten in the state of Balboa, "I think Lill made a deal with the other girls to vote YOU out if Darrah won immunity," he says logically. Burton shakes his head and laughs, 'No no no, Lill adores me as all women do--I'm Burton. Lill's a basket case--a disaster. Her body's shutting down and so's her mind and that's why it's the perfect time to get rid of her." Jon is placated. Burton goes on one more fact-finding mission--when Sandra tells him that Darrah's winning every Immunity "is bad business," Burton tells her that Lill told him that there's a 3 girl alliance brewing. Sandra doesn't fall for the lie, and says smoothly, "She must be making that up cuz 'I'm not evuh siding with Lill. I know how she feels about me and I ain't buying all that grandmother niceness act of hers, it's BS. She don't even talk to me and I'm writing LILL on my card tonight in big ol' letters to save my ass, okay?" It's exactly what Burton wants to hear, so he buys it, "The great thing about Sandra is she'd stab her best friend in the back to get to the next level." It's funny to me that both Jon and Burton have this opinion of Sandra even though she hasn't betrayed anyone she genuinely considers a friend but whatever. As Lil lays in a hammock and gazes "despondently" at the sea, Darrah and Sandra assure Burton and Jon that they are on board to make Lill walk the plank. Jon sneers, "All three girls are ass-dumb. they all three share---I don't even think they share one brain between them because if they did they'd think, "Hey, we can get rid of these guys." The girls out here have done nothing for women's rights." Aw crap, and I so wanted to vote in the next presidential election--thanks a lot, Sandra. I was gonna say that Jon will have a hard time getting a girl after this but let's face it--he's a pretty tough sell even when he's keeping his mouth shut. He babbles on, "They've shown themselves to be nothing more than followers. It was downright foolish of them not to have talked to one another but they're not as smart as me, obviously." It's so funny on Survivor when someone is SO SURE that the person who they know is lying to everyone else is telling THEM the truth, and it's even more amusing to watch Burton and Jon drown in their arrogance, confident in their safety only because they are so certain that the women are incapable of deceiving them--since WHEN are women incapable of deceiving men, guys?

TRIBAL COUNCIL

The jury is let in and Christa is downright radiant as her shampooed hair flows free and she smiles at her pal Sandra. Sandra grins back, knowing that Christa will be thrilled with what's about to happen. Jeff asks Darrah how she's holding up and she drawls, "Well sir, I reckon I'm raht tard all the tam. I got no enuhgy an' I went tuh git fahrwood and it plumb tuckered me out, y'hear?" Knowing that Jon has been on camera 24/7 talking about how lame the women are, Jeff takes great delight in asking him what he thinks about three women being in the Final Five and Jon does his best Eddie Haskell (No relation to Colleen), "Oh the women are SO impressive, why Lill here is the strongest of all of us and truly the hardest worker. Sandra's every bit as tough as us men [Sandra stifles a snort] and Darrah has won three immunity's in row and that's no joke! I'm VERY impressed in that respect." Jeff turns to Lil and asks if she's surprised to have made it this far and she goes into her Little Midwestern Me shtick, "Oh well, between you and me and God--I feel I have to mention God every time I open my mouth, just to remind everyone that I am indeed a Christian woman, even though I know this just annoys Christine who thinks I'm an embarrassment to women, Christians, Boy Scouts and people from Ohio--anyway, between you me and JESUS and of course, the 20 million or so people who are watching this I suppose, I NEVER thought little pathetic me would make it this far and I would just be so honored to stay three more days or however long the rest of my tribe sees fit." Great Jon reaction shot here, as he's kinda surprised she's stopped playing dead, hee hee. Then Jon playfully tells Jeff, "Oh, I hate Tribal Councils--the last three votes have been so shocking to me and I really hope this one isn't another one!" Rupert and Tijuana grimace as they stick pins in little Jon voodoo dolls. My wonderful Jeff is pretty sure that Burton's on the way out so he gives him some rope to make a nice little noose, "Burton, the last three people who came here were completely blindsided--does that make you feel bad? Rhino, here's some buckets for you all to vomit in while you listen to Burton's answer." Burton nods sincerely, "I feel awful about it--don't forget that I TOO was blindsided...sort of, I mean, I saw it coming because I'm Burton and no one can fool me but still, I know how bad it feels to be voted out. But sometimes, blindsiding your target is the only way to make sure they don't turn around and get you instead." Lots of eye-rolling and seething. Tijuana has to be particularly annoyed because if she'd just gone ahead and blindsided Burton--and NOT told Jon, she might still be in the game.

In a marvelous SURPRISE vote, Burton is ousted 3-2. Jeff loves every minute of it--revealing Burton's name with a flourish, snuffing out Burt's torch, and rubbing Jon's face in the fact that there was another surprise vote. Jon smiles through the pain and tries to put up a brave show while Rupert and Christa bash fists in celebration from the jury box as Sandra revels in their victory. Burton upgrades from 13th place to 5th where he joins Dumb Dr. Sean, kind-hearted Rodger, tenacious T-Bird, Angry Sean, Sleep-grinding Ted and horrible hateful Heidi *shudder*. Burton's exit speech is a real charmer, as he starts out trying to be a big man and a good loser, talking about how he's just so honored to have a second chance and what not. But then he calls out Lill, "Lill, we had an alliance and you betrayed it. Big as Texas...I hope you can live with yourself." The Big as Texas thing--if someone gets that reference, please let me know--is it some kind of cattleman curse--"My revenge shall be as BIG AS TEXAS, bwah ha ha!" But the idiotic audacity of Burton to accuse Lill of betraying HIM, when he's spent the last two episodes INSISTING that they DIDN'T have an agreement to go to the end together and when he JUST NOW wrote LILL'S name down! Ay Carumba! It's another Survivor staple--the players that really do resent anyone who would dare try to, you know, win themselves? Burton, get over yourself.

Predictions? Last season, I got a lot of them right except, ahem, the winner and I also vowed to jump out a window if Jenna won, which she did but I didn't. I will make no such empty threats, especially as there remains a 50% chance of something terrible happening. I suspect however that Lill will be gone next vote, as much as I would like it to be Jon (Sandra and Darrah have VOWED to dump him, but WILL they?). We'll see. I think Sandra is the safest in the short-run, and she's who I desperately would like to win. Darrah would be alright--she's certainly proved worthy with all her immunity wins. I think Sandra and Darrah both want to go in against each other OR Jon, while Lill would probably want to go in with Darrah, I don't see Lill making the "go in with a jerk" move. If Lil wins, whatever dude. She did do some nice lying and alliance shifting in this episode, which at least makes her a real player...sort of. But I'm morally opposed to an outcast winning. It's cheating! She was voted out and she shouldn't be there, hmmpf! But I don't see this group keeping Lill around at the end. Darrah and Jon will want to take Sandra. I find it hard to imagine Jon having the votes on that jury to win. I'm gonna predict a win for Sandra--why the hell not? :D

Peace Out :D

Survivor 7.12 Oh, so it turns out you CAN'T trust Jon?

Um....DUH!? I've got nothing against Christa but it seems to me if you're stupid enough to trust someone whom you continually insist you DON'T trust, then you deserve what you get.

BETRAYERS REMORSE

Christa and Sandra are washing their clothes in the surf. Christa wonders, "Gee, Sandra, I'm like thinking like, man, do you think Jon just totally played us?" Sandra nods, "Mmm hmm, girl. I think he laid it on real good and now we're totally screwed." Christa explains to the new viewers, "Hey man, we made a deal with like, Jon, to vote out Tijuana instead of Burton and then Jon would take us into the Final Four. But man, I don't know if we can believe him because like, you can't believe Jon EVER." Jon tries to placate Christa and swears on his "dead grandma, wink wink" that they have a pact. Jon grins at his only friend, the camera, "I think I clumsily tried to make this tasteless analogy before, about how promises are like fat women and wicker furniture to ol' Jonny Fairplay--easily broken. I still haven't figured out how to put all those words in the right order but who cares, I'm gonna be a millionaire!" Jon gets irritated at Christa's worries--why are these women being so freaking passive!? Why are they trying to be allowed by the men to enter the Final Four when they have had the numbers to just take it? I hate it when women get all stereotypically completive. Christa shrugs, "Hey, man, what am I supposed to do? I just really hope that like, Jon's telling the truth. Who am I kidding, he like, probably isn't. I really think that Sandra and I have a better chance going in with the girls than with Burton and Jon." Well, sorry Christa, but you had your chance to oust Burton last night and you passed on it and it turns out that was your last chance. Sandra goes out to "gather firewood" with Darrah. She tells the skeptical Darrah that NOW she and Christa REALLY REALLY REALLY mean it when they say they want to get rid of the men. I really wish Darrah had let her have it here, and said "Well what the frick was that all about last night? Me and T believed you and we voted for Burton and then you screwed us!" Instead she just listens with that half-dead stare of hers. She tells us, "They come up tuh me tuh try en git mah vote or swiiy my vote en stuff but ahm jes gon' set back en see wha's gon' on an' then decide wha' ahm gon' do, y'hear?" All evidence to the contrary, I think Darrah might actually be playing this game. Sandra thinks they should gun for Burton next, and then Jon will be a push-over "cuz he's like a girl." He's gonna have the last laugh if you keep trusting him, dumb ass.

ANOTHER TEDIOUS REWARD CHALLENGE

Burton comes back from fishing with a net full of stingrays and fish. Everyone's pleased. Then it's time to go to the Reward Beach, where Jeff tells them they will be randomly split into two teams, one of whom will win a night and day being pampered at a spa, plus they'll get their swimsuits (which they packed but didn't get to bring when they were shipwrecked). As usual, Jeff rhetorically asks, "Worth playing for?" And everyone says, "Yeah!" Just once, I'd love for someone to balk, you know, quote Han Solo, "No reward is worth THIS!" and leave. But everyone plays. Jon, Lil and Darrah take on Burton, Christa and Sandra. Sandra and Darrah are given the starting spot in a relay race that--SURPRISE!!--involves diving down and untying something from the seafloor. These challenges have been UNINSPIRED, Mark Burnett. Sandra's weak swimming skills doom her team whilst the once dead-weight Darrah continues to shine in physical competition.

DARRAH AND THE JERKS

Jon giggles, "This could very well be the best Reward in the History of the Game!" "In the History of the Game" is very big with Jon, but despite all his masterful machinations, he still doesn't come off very well (especially to hear ME tell it, and I'm one of the few people who actually cares enough TO tell it!). Lil gives a rather boring narration of their plane ride around the island, "It was a breathtaking view which I will remember my whole life. I haven't had many plane rides, and when I do, I always sit in the middle seat because I'm such a kind person." Jon babbles inanely, "The Pearl Islands have the biggest islands you've ever seen, and the smallest islands you've ever seen." I guess that's true unless you've been to say, Japan or Hawaii or any island you can actually see on a map without squinting. Then we have to endure Darrah and the jerks rhapsodizing about how there in paradise. They get to see themselves in the mirror and Lil does her pout face as she explains, "I hadn't seen myself in 30 days!" I cannot WAIT until January, when I to will have gone 30 days without seeing Lil. Jon tells Lil that he's gonna promise Darrah a spot in the top 3 so that she won't jump to be with Sandra and Christa and Lil practically salutes, "Yes sir, Jon, sir. I won't say a word, sir." Apparently she's forgotten that lying to people rips her tender little heart to shreds. Then they all get massages and Lil--who mustn't watch TV marvels at the very IDEA that they put cucumbers on her eyes, "I guess it's supposed to be good for your skin, but I wouldn't know. We can rarely afford cucumbers and when we DO, well, they're for eating." Darrah sighs, "Ah think ah'm gonna feel raht sorry fer Burton, jes so's they ken mayk ah nice segwhy..."

CHRISTA REALIZES WHERE SHE IS

Burton is chopping up some fish for dinner when Sandra and Christa try to press him on Jon's promise to keep them around to 3rd or 4th place. Burton frets, "Well, I really can't answer that question because Jon isn't here and everything BAD that happens to you guys? That's all him. I'm just Burton, you know, the guy that keeps catching the food." He rets to us, "I guess I COULD lie, I mean, it's not like I haven't done it before, but Sandra and Christa are gonna be on MY jury so I don't want them to be mad at me. I mean, I'm Burton, what's not to love?" Burton honestly (though rather stupidly) reminds them that they voted the way they did for their own benefit, not to save him, and that he doesn't really owe them anything. Sandra huffs, "Burton has never really been one to talk to Christa or I, but let it be known that had it not been for Christa and I, Burton would not be here!" Oh, trust me Sandra, it's known. That stupid decision that doomed Christa and maybe you? Very well known. She continues, "That should count for something. And the first chance I get to vote him out, he's GOING OUT!" Uh...again, that chance was the day before yesterday and you BLEW IT! Meanwhile, Christa laments how she can never tell when anyone is lying to her. Burton replies, "Let me make it easy for you--everyone's lying all the time. the only time you REALLY know where people stand, it's Tribal Council." Christa marvels, "Man, like that conversation with Burton was a real eye opener! It's like, we're all on a game show and we're each trying to win a million dollars--I hadn't really thought of it like that before!" Sigh. later, she and Burton go "searching for mussels" and discuss strategy. Christa allows for the possibility that she may have to vote against her best pal Sandra, and Burton considers that having Christa at the end might be an acceptable alternative to Jon, since Christa's "rubbed people the wrong way." We've never actually seen it, but they keep saying it so it must be true. Christa talks up Darrah as the biggest physical threat to immunity that Burton has, while Burton continues his, "I can't make even the smallest decision without discussing it with Jon" routine. It's all very meaningless.

THE SILKY SULKY POUTMASTER

Jon, Darrah and Lil are outfitted with silky pajamas to wear to dinner. In the only time I may ever side with Jon, he scoffs at Lil's suggestion that they start with clams, 'After 35 days of eating nothing but seafood?!" Jon orders for both the women and Lil predictably gushes, "I love it when a man just takes over and tells me what to do, think and eat." Jon boasts about his "extensive knowledge of fine food" as he recommends the filet mignon (um...duh). When Jon tells Lil about something or the other from the menu, she word vomits, "You're a lot more smarter than me." Thank goodness she ain't no grammar scout. Jon then brags to the two ladies that Sandra and Christa will never cast a vote against him, prompting Good Soldier Lil to sell out Sandra and Christa's plan to oust Burton and then Jon. Evil Jon then gets off on playing upon their humanity by making them feel bad for his feeling bad that Christa MADE him swear on poor, dear, dead grandmomma that he wouldn't vote against her. That night, and over-caffeinated Lil jumps on the bed. Darrah and Jon want to talk strategy, but when Lil once again sheds light on the TRUE LIL, the one who's good at being a manipulative backstabbing liar, she gets offended (I swear all he did was say she was a master whisperer) and stomps off to bed like a three-year-old, no offense to three-year-olds. "You hurt my feeeeeeelings," she sulks, as she pulls the sheets up around her and refuses to listen to another word. The next morning she complains with no sense of irony at all, "Jon sometimes talks down to me like I'm some kind of idiot. He likes to show that he's in charge." Uh...well, haven't you told him on several occasions that you ARE stupid and you do INDEED want him to be in charge? Like...last night? I know Jon is more evil, but if it WERE, horrors, to come down to Jon and Lil, I would want Jon to win. There, I said it. Now I have to take a shower. It's probably a good time for an...

INTERVIEW WITH A SURVIVOR NON-STAR!

Tonight's Survivor Non-Star--that's a former contestant we feel WON'T be asked back for this February's All-Star game--is Thailand's Jake.

Me: Hello Jake, thanks for joining us.

Jake: Well hello there, young lady.

Me: Jan--your counterpart on the other tribe--was pretty upset to be considered a Non-Star, what's your take on that?

Jake: Well...I WAS team captain of my tribe. I was a leader, and I certainly did my part around camp. So I do think it's a little unfair of you to label me a loser.

Me: Jake, you're still not going on about the "chores around camp" thing, are you?

Jake: Well consarnit, I DID pull my weight around camp, and I'll thank you kindly to put that in the RECORD! Those guys kept saying I didn't and I---

Me: Dude, they were voting out your tribe one by one, they just SAID it had something to do with the work you all did around camp. Plus I think Clay enjoyed pissing you off.

Jake: I hated that little jerk.

Me: Agreed.

Jake: I guess...come to think of it they DID vote us off one by one...Erin, Ken, Penny...and then myself!

Me: ERIN! Please tell my sister about Erin, she doesn't remember her at all.

Jake: Oh well, Erin was that sweet shy gal with the big...you know, bazooms.

Me: Yeah...and?

Jake: That's pretty much all I remember.

Me: Well, it would be hypocritical of me to judge you for that, since that's all I remember too. In the opening credits, they actually panned up from her cleavage to her face before telling the audience her name.

Jake: Heh Heh...Uh, yeah, that was terrible.

Me: Well, I'm starting to break out into that rash I always get when I think about Survivor:Thailand for too long so let's wrap this up. Jake, who from your season--the worst Survivor ever--do you foresee going into the All-Star competition?

Jake: Brian, obviously--he's one of the winners and an all-around great guy. And maybe ol' Robb--he was a high-strung kid, but he growed a lot out there. I wouldn't be surprised if he turned up.

Me: Thank you for your candid and depressing answer and goodbye you big idiot. Let's get back to the Pearl Islands, pronto!

BACK TO STRIFE, BACK TO REALITY

The Chosen Ones get rady to return to Balboa, and we get yet another Tribute to Breakfast as Jon gushes, "We had COFFEE! And BACON! And EGGS! And FRUIT!" Yes, Jon, we know what breakfast is. Jon then likens Survivor to "one giant game of human chess," once a season someone has to say this, like they're some sort of Star Trek super villain. It ain't chess, folks, it's checkers. Jon offers Darrah a place in the Final 2 (like Hatch, he's now promised this to everyone at one point or another) and she falls for it hook, line and sinker, "Ah mean Jon, he's ah snahnk, he lahs bet he also tells theh truth an' ah KNOW he's not lyin' tuh me about bein' in the Final Two." SIGH.

Sandra insists that the Rewardees tell her everything that happened, and Jon takes great delight in rubbing their faces in how great everything was. Lil wisely comments (yeah, even a broken clock is right twice a day), "I wanted to play it down but Jon didn't--oh well, it's not me bragging on it." Lil is now sporting her swim clothes--a dark blue tank top and some black shorts. Having her out of that ridiculous Boy Scout uniform makes her seem more like an adult human being--we'll see. It's certainly a cosmetic improvement. Lil is quite catty when she mocks "how well" Sandra and Christa were taking the whole Reward issue. She hisses to Darrah, "It's all for show." Burton, meanwhile, is quite pleased to hear from Jon that both Lil and Darrah have been promised a spot in the Final Three and are thus neutralized from realigning with Sandra and Christa. Burton asks who's next to go (WHY do they have to discuss this every damn day?) and when Burton doesn't seem overly thrilled when Jon says, "Duh, it's Christa like we've been saying for weeks," Jon gets suspicious, "Why are you wavering on Christa? Do you have a secret alliance with her? Are you gonna screw me? Are you going to stab me in the back the same week I learned about my beloved grandmother dying?! Well are you!?" Burton tells him to chill. He tells us, "I'm the good cop, Jon's the bad cop. I'm rubber, he's glue. I'm Ronald Reagan, he's Richard Nixon." Burton really talks like there's no paper trail--no one will ever know that those votes came from him. Uh, everyone knows you guys are working together, dude. Although I suppose Burton DOES have a pretty good chance at beating Jon. That night, Burton and Lil get to talking, and Lil wonders, "I'm just asking here, but are you still thinking about you and me in the Final Two? Again, I'm just asking!" Burton stupidly replies, "I'm not thinking...that far ahead, Lil." I don't get not lying here because at SOME POINT, if it's up to HIM choosing, he's gonna have to screw Lil, right? But Burton DID promise never to LIE to her, so he tries to explain that he only thinks two votes ahead. But the eternally victimized Lil has been expecting betrayal all along, so she begins pouting, "You've changed your mind, you're having second thoughts!" She shruggingly tells us, "It pissed me off, but wulh, what can I doooooo? I guess I might have to win Immunity myself and then maybe I'll take Burton or maybe I WON'T, hmmmpf!" WHY do ALL these women keep acting as though Jon and Burton already have their reservations made for the Final Three. They CAN'T both win Immunity, and it's just game-smart to break up alliances. Getting rid of either Jon or Burton makes so much sense for the women, but they keep turning on one another. Uck. I can handle a guy winning, don't get me wrong, but I can't take another Thailand where the women just keep doing what the men tell them until they're all gone.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

how interesting
Burton is no longer the
only bad-ass here!

For Immunity, the Survivors have to fire musket flareguns at targets with their own names. The first person to hit all three of their targets wins. Christa is first and can't even hold the weapon right, having never held a gun before, so Jeff comes over and helps her, puts his arms around her...man, even if I COULD shoot a gun, I'd feign ignorance to get THAT lesson. It's been awhile since I've gushed about my dear Jeff, but isn't he dreamy? Christa hits her target! Like Burton in the dart competition that doomed Rupert, Darrah is a certified bad-ass as she casually hits each of her targets--it's just like bullseye-ing womp rats back home, I'm sure. Burton dubs her dead-eye Darrah. No, not dead WEIGHT Darrah, but dead EYE. She's turned into a player--in the words of 70's super group Chicago, "baby what a big surprise, right before our very eyes!"

AS LONG AS WE KEEP SAYING WE DON'T TRUST JON, IT'S OKAY IF WE DO

Christa ALMOST won Immunity, but missed her last shot, allowing Darrah to slide in and win. Christa claims, "I almost won Immunity--I almost ALWAYS win Immunity." I...don't think that's true, at least I don't remember that as such. She wasn't in last week's word scramble run off, she wasn't any good with the darts. She DID come close to winning the coconut quiz, but that's it. She feels vulnerable, she insists, yet she still believes Jon. Sandra doesn't, and tries to get Darrah to vote out Burton. Darrah balks, insisting that she's going along with "the plan" to oust Lil. Darrah's utter lack of enthusiasm or expression when she says anything makes for some very convincing lying as she assures Christa and Sandra that Lil's out, "Ah think Jon's tellin' 'er now, y'all." Sure enough, there's Jon and Lil having a heart to heart, as Jon lies to Lil, "Christa wants either YOU or Sandra to go out next--it makes no difference to that cold-hearted bitch, so you know who YOU need to go for, right?" Lil pauses, "Christa," she says, anxiously waiting for Jon to pat her on the head for getting a right answer. She's such an affront to women, she really really is. Jon laughs, "There's a word in the English language, it's probably in most dictionaries and such...and it might even be in some other languages as well, and it's called "naive" and some people are that way and some of those people are obviously playing this game and if I wasn't so in love with the sound of my voice or if I had any communication skills whatsoever, I could probably have gotten my point across by simply saying, "A lot of people in this game are naive. But pithy ain't the Jonny Fairplay way!" Lil mopes, "Wuhl, I'm being told that it's Christa but I'm still gonna...pack up my things, my shells and such. Because those are my only options--follow orders, or go home." Sandra doesn't really believe that the boys are going to get rid of loyal Lil, but Christa believes Jon's grandma swear, and is fairly sure she ain't going home. She does allow, "Everyone's lying, man, and like, everyone's lying very well!" Welcome to the game, Christa.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

The jury is led in, and Rupert's still scowling while Tijuana beams her million-dollar smile. Jeff asks some pointed questions, but only gets dull answers. Rupert looks about ready to explode though, when Burton defends deceit and lying in the course of winning the game. Christa admits she's probably lied a few times, but most of her lies have been lies of omission. She also expresses hope that her legendary, non-televised penchant for "rubbing people the wrong way" might make her desirable to keep around until the final two. Jeff asks Sandra who she Wouldn't want to go against at the end, and Sandra insists that Lil is unbeatable, "She's so nice and everyone loves her!" "Awwwww," Lil weeps while I puke my guts out, pleh! Jeff asks Lil is she's worried about being too likable, and Lil wisely (again, TWICE a day) states that there's more to winning the game than being likable--it's about strategy too (just ask Richard Hatch). Jeff laughs when to a man, revoke insists that they trust their relationships. "You all trust each other, and you have no idea how the vote's going to turn out."

Christa ends up in 6th place, where she joins wise Colleen, Jerri-stooge Amber, and the first aligned-with-evil but ultimately redeemed Li'l Kim from Africa. We mercifully parted with the cantankerous self-proclaimed General and the still-insisting-he-pulled-his-weight Jake at this point in the game and last season, we watched in horror as Christy caught the virulent power-madness of the Amazon and was eliminated. Next up? I KEEP HOPING these idiots will wise-up and oust Jon. Yes, yes he's a bastard no one likes but he's PLAYED the game. I'd rather go in with Lil or Burton, who got an unfair second chance at the million. But Darrah or Lil seem more likely targets this week. My one abiding hope is that we are seeing too much of Jon and Burton's certainty of their Final Two status for that to actually be true...right?

Peace Out! :D

Survivor 7.11 "Secrets and Lies"

BUCKETGATE

It's another stormy night at Balboa as the weary remainders return from Tribal Council. Sandra and Christa are still in shock over Rupert's ouster. Christa laments, "Man, I can't believe it. Maybe I've been like, too arrogant, man. Like I thought I knew what was going on and like Rupert's gone now and it's like...major bummer, man." Sandra lashes out at Jon, shouting, "I nevuh trusted you! Can't no one trust that bitch right there! He'll stab you in the back like that, fools! I hope everyone of these girls turns on your ass!" Jon taunts back, "What game are you playing? Oh that's right, you aren't playing. You've been riding Rupert's coattails and guess what? That coat just left!" He gloats to us, "Tonight was my proudest moment in the game: finally! A plan that hasn't blown up in my face!"

But then, Burton notices that their fish are missing. Rupert had caught a bunch of fish earlier that day, but the bucket they were in is now empty. Burton asks Sandra if she did it and she snaps, "No, I'm hungry! Why would I do that, I'm starving!" Burton takes that at face value and decides, "Christa, you did it. I am Burton, and I say so." Everyone seems to immediately agree that since Sandra was yelling at Jon the entire time, then Christa HAD to have dumped out the fish to spite the tribe--no one else had the motive to do so. Christa tearfully declares her innocence to no avail. That night, the local crab population feasts on the dumped fish. The next morning, Burton and Lil follow the stench of rotting fish to where they were dumped in the woods. Lil sniffs, "Wuhl, Christa sweeeears she didn't do it but I think she did it because she was mad that her good friend Rupert was voted out. And Burton and Jon say she did and wuhl...they ARE men, so they should know, riiiiight?" Burton takes up where he left off the night before, yelling at Christa and making her cry as she insists on her innocence, "You're the only one who COULD have done it! I continue to be Burton and I continue to say it is so!" But it is NOT so. Unlike Australia's Beef Jerky Incident or the Amazon's Granola Bar Wrapper, we are clued into what REALLY happened, and what REALLY happened is that Sandra arrived in camp before anyone else did, "I saw the fish that Rupert had caught and I was like, screw that, they shouldn't enjoy his fish after voting him out so I took the bucket into the woods but then I tripped on a vine and they spilled everywhere. Now I'm in a bind because if I tell the truth, I'm out of here." So Sandra just stands by and lets her "friend" take the heat. I also don't understand the whole "I tripped on a vine" part of the story. Was Sandra only temporarily going to hide the fish? Why make it sound like dumping them was an accident when the intent WAS to deprive the others of dinner? Christa sighs mournfully, "I'm like, doomed, man. Whatever. I didn't do it and no one believes me. I just want to go home and be with my man, man." What is REALLY incredible about this episode is that by the end of it, you forget all about this opening drama...

GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER!?

The contentious Survivors gather on the beach for the Reward Challenge. which Jeff says will involved walking the plank. "Jon, you're a little punk, who would YOU like to send into the water?" "Sandra and Christa," he chuckles. "Well, tough, because it's going to be their LOVED ones who walk the plank!" Everyone gets excited and all the women immediately start crying as they are briefly reunited with: Sandra's husband Marcus, Tijuana's best friend Billy, Burton's Mom DeeDee, Lil's presumably long-suffering husband Lonnie (Lil creepily keeps whimpering "I try, I try" while they embrace), Darrah's boyfriend Bradley and Christa's fiancée Pete, who frets, "We need to feed you," when he embraces the weepy and wasted away Christa.

Lastly and leastly, we meet Jonny Fairplay's sidekick, Thunder D aka Dan. They hug and Jon asks, "Dude, how's Grandma?" Dan misses his cue, "Huh?" Jon grits his teeth, "I SAID, DUDE, how's my GRANDMA?" "Oh...she died, dude." I would have personally gone with, "She died, MAN." For some reason, that seems more appropriate than dude in that situation. Thunder D wonders, "Did you get the letter?" Jon shakes his head and tearfully sits on the bench as a distraught Lil comforts him. Jeff sighs, "Well, we were all gearing up for this to be fun and now it looks like you're gonna bring us all down--what happened?" Jon sniffles, "Well, it was either gonna be my beloved grandmother or my pal Dan and my grandma's not here because...because...she's no longer alive. I hope to win this competition and get some information." A skeptical Sandra glares at whimpering Jonny.

The game requires the loved ones to stand on a plank that is hanging over a bluff. Ala the Newlywed Game they are asked the same questions as their Survivors and if their answers match, their Survivor gets to choose a loved one to step closer to the edge. Eventually all but one will be sent splashing into the sea. That person will spend the next 24 hours as a member of the Balboa tribe. Proving they are still Morgan's at heart, Darrah and Tijuana suck. When Sandra proudly sends Jon's friend back a step, he cries, "I have about a MILLION questions to ask about my BELOVED GRANDMOTHER!" Sandra ain't trying to hear that, "It's not all about YOU , Jon." An indignant Lil disagrees, "His GRANDMOTHER just died!" Jon and Lil gang up to target Sandra's husband, while everyone else tries to make the competition even for as long as they can. Every time Lil sends someone backwards she gets all trembly, "Oh, I hooope you can for give me! I'm such a good person, you know I don't enjoy this at all!" When asked what character trait might cost her the game, she guesses her "kindness" and Hubby affirms it would be her "over-sympatheticness", knowing that she'd put ground glass in his spaghetti if he didn't. Tijuana thinks she prefers Alternative but Billy assumes R&B. Tijuana frowns at the stereotype. When Jon "apologetically"sends Billy into the drink, he gives Jon his sincere condolences and then delights the Survivors with a cannonball dive. In the end, it's down to Lil's hubby and Jon's pal and Burton ousts Lonnie. "Jon's grandmother just died and this has got to be the worst day of his life--we've all decided to help him get the information he needs." Christa scowls at the remark but doesn't comment as Jon hugs everyone except her and Sandra.

EXILE ON FEIGN STREET

Jon and Thunder D are sent back to Balboa while, for some unexplained reason, the others are sent off to Isla Hermita with only a machete and a box of matches. Burton and the girls sit and stare and starve. Burton shrugs, "Well, it's horrible here but we all agreed that...Jon's going through a really rough time, what with his grandmother dying and all, so he deserved to win that challenge." Lil agrees, "Wuhl, I wish I could see my husband and I don't like not winning rewards, I usually wind up getting to go. But...I've gotten to knoooow Jon, and he hurts just like anyone else and wuhl, I'm just too good a person to begrudge him a visit with his friend so he can learn the details of the passing of his beloved grandmother!"

JONNY NOT GRIEVING

At Balboa, Jon and Dan share a good laugh at the exiles expense and praise one another for their brilliant performance. Because you see, Jonny's grandmother is very much alive and the Great Grandmother Lie of 2003 was all part of a prearranged plan. Jon smirks, "This is a game for a million dollars and you're a fool not to do whatever you can to get whatever advantage you can. The Fake Dead Grandmother is gonna go down in Survivor history as the dirtiest trick ever played!" I would agree UNLESS someone atually DID frame Janet for that whole granola bar thing, just because they got away with it and never copped to it. The Dead Grandmother is the most EVIL thing ever, however, since Jon is exploiting the good intentions of his tribe. He brags that he is assured a place in the Final Two and that he hasn't come close to being voted out yet (which has been true of MANY evictees up until the week they go, FYI).

The next day, Thunder D prepares to leave as the other return from The Bad Place. Tijuana is charming and cheerful as always to the departing visitor. Jon tells everyone that Dan wasn't fond of Balboa and inquires about the Bad Place, and everyone starts crying. No one will speak of the Bad Place and What Happened There. Even Mark Burnett is traumatized, "It was so horrible! They just sat on a log in silence! It was such bad television!" Jon grins and then remembers he's grieving and looks pensively out at the ocean...

INTERVIEW WITH A SURVIVOR NON STAR!!

Yes, as we eagerly await the announcement of Next Season's ALL STAR competition (which ala Survivor Australia will debut after the Super Bowl) we continue to catch up with those contestants whom we're reasonably certain will not be asked back. Some may think choosing a Runner Up would be risky, but in this case, I'm thinking...nah, as we chat with last season's Sir Matt.

Me: Greetings, Sir Matt. Er...I see you've brought a friend.

Sir Matt: Why yes. It would be most inappropriate for me to appear without my most trusted Amazon Ally, Mr. Machete. He was both my eyes and my ears in the game.

Me: Uh...Could you not waive that around?

Sir Matt: Mr. Machete is quite agitated at the moment. He's most displeased with your assumption that we shall not be in the All Star game.

Me: Well, to be honest, I'm thinking that the CBS Legal Department is just...really glad you didn't actually kill anyone last season. I can't imagine them wanting to tempt fate by having you back.

Sir Matt: Mr. Machete was merely PRETENDING to be sharper than he actually was--it was all part of our strategy to frighten the earth dwellers--er...that is to say, my fellow tribe dwellers.

Me: You're some sort of space robot, aren't you? AREN'T YOU!?

Sir Matt: Oh, that is most amusing, gentle lady! Did Rob put you up to that? I dare say that is the sort of remark he would find humorous.

Me: You are SO not going to be on Survivor All Stars. And if you ARE, Jerri is gonna frame you for eating beef jerky on the first day! You're too weird, she won't stand for it!

Mr. Machete: CHOP CHOP CHOP

Me: Hey! Those director's chairs cost money!

Sir Matt: Mr. Machete is quite unhappy with the direction this interview is taking, and we shall take our leave of you now.

Me: That's not a euphemism for slicing me to pieces, is it?

Mr. Machete: SHARPEN SHARPEN SHARPEN

Me: *running out of the studio* This has been an interview with a Survivor Non Star! Now back to this week's revieeeeeeeew!

JONNY NOT QUIET

Sandra tries to lobby Tijuana and Darrah to join with her and Christa to vote out the boys. "If you don't look out, it's gonna be just you two with just THOSE two," Sandra warns. Tijuana is skeptical since Sandra has only bothered to befriend her now that she and Christa are on the chopping block. Sandra sighs, "She listened to what I said and didn't make any comment! If only Jon and Burton would conveniently go off and conspire so as we could overhear what their real plans are!" Sure enough, that night the boys slink off to plot and Sandra ropes Tijuana into spy duty. Burton sighs, "I hope it's you and me in the Final Two. With Lil as three and those Morgan girls at 4 and 5. As long as we keep promising them that and you keep telling T that you and her are the Final Two, we should be okay. They HAVE to vote with us." Jon is confident, "That should be NO problem. I sure do miss my grandmother though. But yeah, anyway, Tijuana and I are tight." Since Burton and Jon have long ago established this plan, it's baffling to me why they need to go off and reaffirm it every night. I guess it just illustrates how mistrustful of one another they still are. Sandra is delighted, "It was perfect! It was WAAY better for Tijuana to hear it with her own ears than for me to try to convince her I was telling the truth--especially since I'm such a liar." Tijuana declares, "I'm refocused now. Darrah and I need to get rid of those boys." Darrah is in agreement, "If Burton do'n win thet thar immun'ty tuhmarrah, his butt's dun gone, y'hear? Ah surely hope he don' ween."

IMMUNITY HAIKU

why pay for writers
when school children are honored
to work for peanuts

The Immunity Challenge is a cool word search game, where the Survivors have to make up a bunch of words using the letters from the phrase "Survivor Pearl Islands." They have to come up with three three letter words, four four letter words, five five letter words and two words that are 7 letters or more and they can't use foreign words, plurals or proper and place names. When they think they're done, the game stops and Jeff checks their words. If they've misspelled anything they're out and the game resumes, if they're right they win Immunity. According to Entertainment Weekly, this game was devised and submitted by a teenager, who was paid 100$ and given some Survivor knick knacks like the tiles used on camera for the game etc. In the article, Burnett makes this big show of how he's not AT ALL embarrassed at some kid devising a game for the show. Yeah, not when it saves him paying a lot more...okay, a LITTLE more to the "segment producer" (read: underpaid non-Union writer) who normally comes up with the challenges. Cheap BastardS.

Christa is first out, spelling an "ar" word with an "er." Then Tijuana dooms herself by using a plural. Jeff seems to take a great deal of pleasure in pointing out Jon's misspelled word (gramma?), and Tijuana and Christa smile with relief. Then Burton says he's done and Jeff declares him the winner as Jon grins (uh, I'm sorry, WHO'S riding coattails?) and the girls all kick the dirt. However, as the Survivors depart, Jeff suddenly calls them all back, realizing (or perhaps having been told by an off camera production assistant) than Burton has spelled "liaison" as "liason," perhaps because he spends too much time at General Hospital Message Boards rhapsodizing about Liz and Jason. Because the game has been compromised (everyone had a chance to see everyone else's words and discuss the words they used), Jeff has remaining contestants Lil, Darrah and Sandra in a time trial where they have to come up with as many four-plus letter words they can make with the letters in "outwit, outplay, outlast" in a certain amount of time. Lowly Lil gets 10, Sandra gets 12 and Darrah wins with 14, "Yuh see, ah ain' no dummy." Sandra gives her a hug, "Good girl, anyone but HIM," she insists. Tijuana and Darrah are triumphant, certain in the knowledge that they neither is doomed--not with their new-found knowledge and Sandra and Christa on their side! :(

GIRL TALK

T and D are committed to ousting Burton, as this may be their only chance to eliminate the game's strongest physical player. Tijuana does raise the idea of gunning for "the two most antagonistic players," meaning Christa and Sandra. Once they get rid of Burton, That Black Girl wants to sack The Blond Girl Who Dumped the Fish. They aren't worried about Jon, as Tijuana puts it, "He knows there's a good chance we're going after Burton and he has no other option than to be on out side!" There must be something powerful that happens when you're playing this game, a bizarre adrenal rush that turns players arrogant right at the moment they need to play it cool. Sandra and Christa plot against Burton so that, as Sandra so ominously puts it, "We can then move on to PLAN TWO," which I would wager is against Tijuana anyway. Remember, Sandra hasn't liked T since she got into with the locals on market day. Sandra continues, "But first we crush Burton. The way Rupert was crushed."

TURNABOUT IS JONNY FAIRPLAY

In what is her Tijuanaloo moment, T goes to Jon to tell him the vote is going against Jon. He sulks, "Well, I'd still like to get rid of that fish-dumping Christa, in honor of my late grandmother who was diametrically opposed to wasting food, but I understand where you're coming from." Tijuana smiles, 'And since the majority is going against Burton, you can't go against us or then YOU'LL be a target, comprende?" Jon scowls. He tells us, "I want Burton in the game because his coattails are so strong and comfortable, and I have a little bit of a man-crush on him." He slithers up to Sandra and Christa and insists, "Burton doesn't deserve to go, and anyway, I wanna keep eating without actually having to learn how to use that spear thing we've had in camp for 30 days. You have EVERY right not to trust me since I've plotted against you on numerous occasions but Tijuana wants your ass GONE, Christa--she hates your GUTS. She so doesn't deserve to be here--a Drake should win, isn't that what good ol' Rupert would have wanted? Isn't it?" Sandra frets, "I'm scared to trust you, Jon!" But Christa wants to hear more, "You'd get rid of Lil?" "Lil is GONE, no problem! I swear on my grandmother--and that's a BIG freaking deal, I don't have to tell you, I won't betray you!" Sandra tells us, "He's done us wrong so many times before...eh, what the heck, let's see if he'll do it again!"

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Rhino and Rupert are brought in, and Rupert looks exactly the same, sullen hurt expression and all. Jeff asks the tribe about their state of affairs and Sandra tells the jury about Fish Bucketgate. Rupert looks angry when he hears how the fish he caught was dumped, probably because he thinks it's one more sign of rejection rather than as the misguided show of loyalty it actually was. If there's a better liar in the game than Jon it's Sandra, who has no problem recounting the story as though it was something she saw on TV and not something she was a key player in. Christa says, "I didn't do it, man, but I can't prove anything!" Jeff (who by now is VERY well aware that Jon is a lying bastard) brings up Jon's tragic news, "Everyone's happy to see their loved ones, everyone is feeling invigorated and then Jon shares this...ah, information that lo and behold, his grandmother has conveniently passed away so you all--being the GOOD, DECENT people that you are...at least...relatively speaking--go ahead and let Jon win the game so he can spend time with his accomplice--that is to say, his friend. Jon, did you uh, get the information you wanted?" Jon, relieved to see that Jeff won't sell him out, pours on the sincerity, "It was definitely one of the saddest days of my life and it meant SO much to me that everyone went to the Bad Place while I got to learn all the detail I needed from Thunder D, trust me when I say that I will NEVER forget what the others did for me and I'll never be able (or willing) to thank them!" Tijuana effuses, "The game DID change when we heard the terrible news. It was no longer important to any of us, except maybe Lil, that we win the Reward. It was all about helping Jon as a PERSON." Jon looks very serious--he's probably biting his tongue to keep from laughing. Burton points out that in this stage of the game, you needn't trust someone to have an alliance, you just need mutually beneficial interests. Jon then goes for the gusto, insisting he's no longer willing to betray anyone to get ahead, "A few days ago, when my beloved grandmother was still alive, I would have sold anyone out, but now my priorities have changed!" They are starting construction on his very special corner of Hell as we speak...still, as despicable as it is, one also has to admit:brilliant.

Tijuana is shocked to find herself voted out 5-2, the day before her birthday. Unlike Rupert, she gives the classy, "I'm proud of how I did, you got me! But I made it to the jury and I hold no ill will" speech you should give in order to maintain your dignity. It may not be TRUE, mind you, but it makes you look better. She finishes in 7th place, along with slick Gervase, forgettable Nick, weird Frank, bitter Tammy, snotty Penny and cheesy Alex. Next? Every week I'm hoping that Jon or Lil goes home, and every week brings us closer to them in the Final Two. As much as I'd like the girls to get rid of Burton (should they ever get another chance), I'd still take him in the Finals over either the whiner or the conniver. Despite their dubious choices, I'll continue to root for Darrah, Christa and even the ethically vague Sandra until they're all gone--which they may be if they keep passing on every opportunity to get rid of the real menace, Jon. Peace Out! Christine :D