Survivor 7.11 "Secrets and Lies"

BUCKETGATE

It's another stormy night at Balboa as the weary remainders return from Tribal Council. Sandra and Christa are still in shock over Rupert's ouster. Christa laments, "Man, I can't believe it. Maybe I've been like, too arrogant, man. Like I thought I knew what was going on and like Rupert's gone now and it's like...major bummer, man." Sandra lashes out at Jon, shouting, "I nevuh trusted you! Can't no one trust that bitch right there! He'll stab you in the back like that, fools! I hope everyone of these girls turns on your ass!" Jon taunts back, "What game are you playing? Oh that's right, you aren't playing. You've been riding Rupert's coattails and guess what? That coat just left!" He gloats to us, "Tonight was my proudest moment in the game: finally! A plan that hasn't blown up in my face!"

But then, Burton notices that their fish are missing. Rupert had caught a bunch of fish earlier that day, but the bucket they were in is now empty. Burton asks Sandra if she did it and she snaps, "No, I'm hungry! Why would I do that, I'm starving!" Burton takes that at face value and decides, "Christa, you did it. I am Burton, and I say so." Everyone seems to immediately agree that since Sandra was yelling at Jon the entire time, then Christa HAD to have dumped out the fish to spite the tribe--no one else had the motive to do so. Christa tearfully declares her innocence to no avail. That night, the local crab population feasts on the dumped fish. The next morning, Burton and Lil follow the stench of rotting fish to where they were dumped in the woods. Lil sniffs, "Wuhl, Christa sweeeears she didn't do it but I think she did it because she was mad that her good friend Rupert was voted out. And Burton and Jon say she did and wuhl...they ARE men, so they should know, riiiiight?" Burton takes up where he left off the night before, yelling at Christa and making her cry as she insists on her innocence, "You're the only one who COULD have done it! I continue to be Burton and I continue to say it is so!" But it is NOT so. Unlike Australia's Beef Jerky Incident or the Amazon's Granola Bar Wrapper, we are clued into what REALLY happened, and what REALLY happened is that Sandra arrived in camp before anyone else did, "I saw the fish that Rupert had caught and I was like, screw that, they shouldn't enjoy his fish after voting him out so I took the bucket into the woods but then I tripped on a vine and they spilled everywhere. Now I'm in a bind because if I tell the truth, I'm out of here." So Sandra just stands by and lets her "friend" take the heat. I also don't understand the whole "I tripped on a vine" part of the story. Was Sandra only temporarily going to hide the fish? Why make it sound like dumping them was an accident when the intent WAS to deprive the others of dinner? Christa sighs mournfully, "I'm like, doomed, man. Whatever. I didn't do it and no one believes me. I just want to go home and be with my man, man." What is REALLY incredible about this episode is that by the end of it, you forget all about this opening drama...

GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER!?

The contentious Survivors gather on the beach for the Reward Challenge. which Jeff says will involved walking the plank. "Jon, you're a little punk, who would YOU like to send into the water?" "Sandra and Christa," he chuckles. "Well, tough, because it's going to be their LOVED ones who walk the plank!" Everyone gets excited and all the women immediately start crying as they are briefly reunited with: Sandra's husband Marcus, Tijuana's best friend Billy, Burton's Mom DeeDee, Lil's presumably long-suffering husband Lonnie (Lil creepily keeps whimpering "I try, I try" while they embrace), Darrah's boyfriend Bradley and Christa's fiancée Pete, who frets, "We need to feed you," when he embraces the weepy and wasted away Christa.

Lastly and leastly, we meet Jonny Fairplay's sidekick, Thunder D aka Dan. They hug and Jon asks, "Dude, how's Grandma?" Dan misses his cue, "Huh?" Jon grits his teeth, "I SAID, DUDE, how's my GRANDMA?" "Oh...she died, dude." I would have personally gone with, "She died, MAN." For some reason, that seems more appropriate than dude in that situation. Thunder D wonders, "Did you get the letter?" Jon shakes his head and tearfully sits on the bench as a distraught Lil comforts him. Jeff sighs, "Well, we were all gearing up for this to be fun and now it looks like you're gonna bring us all down--what happened?" Jon sniffles, "Well, it was either gonna be my beloved grandmother or my pal Dan and my grandma's not here because...because...she's no longer alive. I hope to win this competition and get some information." A skeptical Sandra glares at whimpering Jonny.

The game requires the loved ones to stand on a plank that is hanging over a bluff. Ala the Newlywed Game they are asked the same questions as their Survivors and if their answers match, their Survivor gets to choose a loved one to step closer to the edge. Eventually all but one will be sent splashing into the sea. That person will spend the next 24 hours as a member of the Balboa tribe. Proving they are still Morgan's at heart, Darrah and Tijuana suck. When Sandra proudly sends Jon's friend back a step, he cries, "I have about a MILLION questions to ask about my BELOVED GRANDMOTHER!" Sandra ain't trying to hear that, "It's not all about YOU , Jon." An indignant Lil disagrees, "His GRANDMOTHER just died!" Jon and Lil gang up to target Sandra's husband, while everyone else tries to make the competition even for as long as they can. Every time Lil sends someone backwards she gets all trembly, "Oh, I hooope you can for give me! I'm such a good person, you know I don't enjoy this at all!" When asked what character trait might cost her the game, she guesses her "kindness" and Hubby affirms it would be her "over-sympatheticness", knowing that she'd put ground glass in his spaghetti if he didn't. Tijuana thinks she prefers Alternative but Billy assumes R&B. Tijuana frowns at the stereotype. When Jon "apologetically"sends Billy into the drink, he gives Jon his sincere condolences and then delights the Survivors with a cannonball dive. In the end, it's down to Lil's hubby and Jon's pal and Burton ousts Lonnie. "Jon's grandmother just died and this has got to be the worst day of his life--we've all decided to help him get the information he needs." Christa scowls at the remark but doesn't comment as Jon hugs everyone except her and Sandra.

EXILE ON FEIGN STREET

Jon and Thunder D are sent back to Balboa while, for some unexplained reason, the others are sent off to Isla Hermita with only a machete and a box of matches. Burton and the girls sit and stare and starve. Burton shrugs, "Well, it's horrible here but we all agreed that...Jon's going through a really rough time, what with his grandmother dying and all, so he deserved to win that challenge." Lil agrees, "Wuhl, I wish I could see my husband and I don't like not winning rewards, I usually wind up getting to go. But...I've gotten to knoooow Jon, and he hurts just like anyone else and wuhl, I'm just too good a person to begrudge him a visit with his friend so he can learn the details of the passing of his beloved grandmother!"

JONNY NOT GRIEVING

At Balboa, Jon and Dan share a good laugh at the exiles expense and praise one another for their brilliant performance. Because you see, Jonny's grandmother is very much alive and the Great Grandmother Lie of 2003 was all part of a prearranged plan. Jon smirks, "This is a game for a million dollars and you're a fool not to do whatever you can to get whatever advantage you can. The Fake Dead Grandmother is gonna go down in Survivor history as the dirtiest trick ever played!" I would agree UNLESS someone atually DID frame Janet for that whole granola bar thing, just because they got away with it and never copped to it. The Dead Grandmother is the most EVIL thing ever, however, since Jon is exploiting the good intentions of his tribe. He brags that he is assured a place in the Final Two and that he hasn't come close to being voted out yet (which has been true of MANY evictees up until the week they go, FYI).

The next day, Thunder D prepares to leave as the other return from The Bad Place. Tijuana is charming and cheerful as always to the departing visitor. Jon tells everyone that Dan wasn't fond of Balboa and inquires about the Bad Place, and everyone starts crying. No one will speak of the Bad Place and What Happened There. Even Mark Burnett is traumatized, "It was so horrible! They just sat on a log in silence! It was such bad television!" Jon grins and then remembers he's grieving and looks pensively out at the ocean...

INTERVIEW WITH A SURVIVOR NON STAR!!

Yes, as we eagerly await the announcement of Next Season's ALL STAR competition (which ala Survivor Australia will debut after the Super Bowl) we continue to catch up with those contestants whom we're reasonably certain will not be asked back. Some may think choosing a Runner Up would be risky, but in this case, I'm thinking...nah, as we chat with last season's Sir Matt.

Me: Greetings, Sir Matt. Er...I see you've brought a friend.

Sir Matt: Why yes. It would be most inappropriate for me to appear without my most trusted Amazon Ally, Mr. Machete. He was both my eyes and my ears in the game.

Me: Uh...Could you not waive that around?

Sir Matt: Mr. Machete is quite agitated at the moment. He's most displeased with your assumption that we shall not be in the All Star game.

Me: Well, to be honest, I'm thinking that the CBS Legal Department is just...really glad you didn't actually kill anyone last season. I can't imagine them wanting to tempt fate by having you back.

Sir Matt: Mr. Machete was merely PRETENDING to be sharper than he actually was--it was all part of our strategy to frighten the earth dwellers--er...that is to say, my fellow tribe dwellers.

Me: You're some sort of space robot, aren't you? AREN'T YOU!?

Sir Matt: Oh, that is most amusing, gentle lady! Did Rob put you up to that? I dare say that is the sort of remark he would find humorous.

Me: You are SO not going to be on Survivor All Stars. And if you ARE, Jerri is gonna frame you for eating beef jerky on the first day! You're too weird, she won't stand for it!

Mr. Machete: CHOP CHOP CHOP

Me: Hey! Those director's chairs cost money!

Sir Matt: Mr. Machete is quite unhappy with the direction this interview is taking, and we shall take our leave of you now.

Me: That's not a euphemism for slicing me to pieces, is it?

Mr. Machete: SHARPEN SHARPEN SHARPEN

Me: *running out of the studio* This has been an interview with a Survivor Non Star! Now back to this week's revieeeeeeeew!

JONNY NOT QUIET

Sandra tries to lobby Tijuana and Darrah to join with her and Christa to vote out the boys. "If you don't look out, it's gonna be just you two with just THOSE two," Sandra warns. Tijuana is skeptical since Sandra has only bothered to befriend her now that she and Christa are on the chopping block. Sandra sighs, "She listened to what I said and didn't make any comment! If only Jon and Burton would conveniently go off and conspire so as we could overhear what their real plans are!" Sure enough, that night the boys slink off to plot and Sandra ropes Tijuana into spy duty. Burton sighs, "I hope it's you and me in the Final Two. With Lil as three and those Morgan girls at 4 and 5. As long as we keep promising them that and you keep telling T that you and her are the Final Two, we should be okay. They HAVE to vote with us." Jon is confident, "That should be NO problem. I sure do miss my grandmother though. But yeah, anyway, Tijuana and I are tight." Since Burton and Jon have long ago established this plan, it's baffling to me why they need to go off and reaffirm it every night. I guess it just illustrates how mistrustful of one another they still are. Sandra is delighted, "It was perfect! It was WAAY better for Tijuana to hear it with her own ears than for me to try to convince her I was telling the truth--especially since I'm such a liar." Tijuana declares, "I'm refocused now. Darrah and I need to get rid of those boys." Darrah is in agreement, "If Burton do'n win thet thar immun'ty tuhmarrah, his butt's dun gone, y'hear? Ah surely hope he don' ween."

IMMUNITY HAIKU

why pay for writers
when school children are honored
to work for peanuts

The Immunity Challenge is a cool word search game, where the Survivors have to make up a bunch of words using the letters from the phrase "Survivor Pearl Islands." They have to come up with three three letter words, four four letter words, five five letter words and two words that are 7 letters or more and they can't use foreign words, plurals or proper and place names. When they think they're done, the game stops and Jeff checks their words. If they've misspelled anything they're out and the game resumes, if they're right they win Immunity. According to Entertainment Weekly, this game was devised and submitted by a teenager, who was paid 100$ and given some Survivor knick knacks like the tiles used on camera for the game etc. In the article, Burnett makes this big show of how he's not AT ALL embarrassed at some kid devising a game for the show. Yeah, not when it saves him paying a lot more...okay, a LITTLE more to the "segment producer" (read: underpaid non-Union writer) who normally comes up with the challenges. Cheap BastardS.

Christa is first out, spelling an "ar" word with an "er." Then Tijuana dooms herself by using a plural. Jeff seems to take a great deal of pleasure in pointing out Jon's misspelled word (gramma?), and Tijuana and Christa smile with relief. Then Burton says he's done and Jeff declares him the winner as Jon grins (uh, I'm sorry, WHO'S riding coattails?) and the girls all kick the dirt. However, as the Survivors depart, Jeff suddenly calls them all back, realizing (or perhaps having been told by an off camera production assistant) than Burton has spelled "liaison" as "liason," perhaps because he spends too much time at General Hospital Message Boards rhapsodizing about Liz and Jason. Because the game has been compromised (everyone had a chance to see everyone else's words and discuss the words they used), Jeff has remaining contestants Lil, Darrah and Sandra in a time trial where they have to come up with as many four-plus letter words they can make with the letters in "outwit, outplay, outlast" in a certain amount of time. Lowly Lil gets 10, Sandra gets 12 and Darrah wins with 14, "Yuh see, ah ain' no dummy." Sandra gives her a hug, "Good girl, anyone but HIM," she insists. Tijuana and Darrah are triumphant, certain in the knowledge that they neither is doomed--not with their new-found knowledge and Sandra and Christa on their side! :(

GIRL TALK

T and D are committed to ousting Burton, as this may be their only chance to eliminate the game's strongest physical player. Tijuana does raise the idea of gunning for "the two most antagonistic players," meaning Christa and Sandra. Once they get rid of Burton, That Black Girl wants to sack The Blond Girl Who Dumped the Fish. They aren't worried about Jon, as Tijuana puts it, "He knows there's a good chance we're going after Burton and he has no other option than to be on out side!" There must be something powerful that happens when you're playing this game, a bizarre adrenal rush that turns players arrogant right at the moment they need to play it cool. Sandra and Christa plot against Burton so that, as Sandra so ominously puts it, "We can then move on to PLAN TWO," which I would wager is against Tijuana anyway. Remember, Sandra hasn't liked T since she got into with the locals on market day. Sandra continues, "But first we crush Burton. The way Rupert was crushed."

TURNABOUT IS JONNY FAIRPLAY

In what is her Tijuanaloo moment, T goes to Jon to tell him the vote is going against Jon. He sulks, "Well, I'd still like to get rid of that fish-dumping Christa, in honor of my late grandmother who was diametrically opposed to wasting food, but I understand where you're coming from." Tijuana smiles, 'And since the majority is going against Burton, you can't go against us or then YOU'LL be a target, comprende?" Jon scowls. He tells us, "I want Burton in the game because his coattails are so strong and comfortable, and I have a little bit of a man-crush on him." He slithers up to Sandra and Christa and insists, "Burton doesn't deserve to go, and anyway, I wanna keep eating without actually having to learn how to use that spear thing we've had in camp for 30 days. You have EVERY right not to trust me since I've plotted against you on numerous occasions but Tijuana wants your ass GONE, Christa--she hates your GUTS. She so doesn't deserve to be here--a Drake should win, isn't that what good ol' Rupert would have wanted? Isn't it?" Sandra frets, "I'm scared to trust you, Jon!" But Christa wants to hear more, "You'd get rid of Lil?" "Lil is GONE, no problem! I swear on my grandmother--and that's a BIG freaking deal, I don't have to tell you, I won't betray you!" Sandra tells us, "He's done us wrong so many times before...eh, what the heck, let's see if he'll do it again!"

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Rhino and Rupert are brought in, and Rupert looks exactly the same, sullen hurt expression and all. Jeff asks the tribe about their state of affairs and Sandra tells the jury about Fish Bucketgate. Rupert looks angry when he hears how the fish he caught was dumped, probably because he thinks it's one more sign of rejection rather than as the misguided show of loyalty it actually was. If there's a better liar in the game than Jon it's Sandra, who has no problem recounting the story as though it was something she saw on TV and not something she was a key player in. Christa says, "I didn't do it, man, but I can't prove anything!" Jeff (who by now is VERY well aware that Jon is a lying bastard) brings up Jon's tragic news, "Everyone's happy to see their loved ones, everyone is feeling invigorated and then Jon shares this...ah, information that lo and behold, his grandmother has conveniently passed away so you all--being the GOOD, DECENT people that you are...at least...relatively speaking--go ahead and let Jon win the game so he can spend time with his accomplice--that is to say, his friend. Jon, did you uh, get the information you wanted?" Jon, relieved to see that Jeff won't sell him out, pours on the sincerity, "It was definitely one of the saddest days of my life and it meant SO much to me that everyone went to the Bad Place while I got to learn all the detail I needed from Thunder D, trust me when I say that I will NEVER forget what the others did for me and I'll never be able (or willing) to thank them!" Tijuana effuses, "The game DID change when we heard the terrible news. It was no longer important to any of us, except maybe Lil, that we win the Reward. It was all about helping Jon as a PERSON." Jon looks very serious--he's probably biting his tongue to keep from laughing. Burton points out that in this stage of the game, you needn't trust someone to have an alliance, you just need mutually beneficial interests. Jon then goes for the gusto, insisting he's no longer willing to betray anyone to get ahead, "A few days ago, when my beloved grandmother was still alive, I would have sold anyone out, but now my priorities have changed!" They are starting construction on his very special corner of Hell as we speak...still, as despicable as it is, one also has to admit:brilliant.

Tijuana is shocked to find herself voted out 5-2, the day before her birthday. Unlike Rupert, she gives the classy, "I'm proud of how I did, you got me! But I made it to the jury and I hold no ill will" speech you should give in order to maintain your dignity. It may not be TRUE, mind you, but it makes you look better. She finishes in 7th place, along with slick Gervase, forgettable Nick, weird Frank, bitter Tammy, snotty Penny and cheesy Alex. Next? Every week I'm hoping that Jon or Lil goes home, and every week brings us closer to them in the Final Two. As much as I'd like the girls to get rid of Burton (should they ever get another chance), I'd still take him in the Finals over either the whiner or the conniver. Despite their dubious choices, I'll continue to root for Darrah, Christa and even the ethically vague Sandra until they're all gone--which they may be if they keep passing on every opportunity to get rid of the real menace, Jon. Peace Out! Christine :D