Survivor 7.12 Oh, so it turns out you CAN'T trust Jon?

Um....DUH!? I've got nothing against Christa but it seems to me if you're stupid enough to trust someone whom you continually insist you DON'T trust, then you deserve what you get.

BETRAYERS REMORSE

Christa and Sandra are washing their clothes in the surf. Christa wonders, "Gee, Sandra, I'm like thinking like, man, do you think Jon just totally played us?" Sandra nods, "Mmm hmm, girl. I think he laid it on real good and now we're totally screwed." Christa explains to the new viewers, "Hey man, we made a deal with like, Jon, to vote out Tijuana instead of Burton and then Jon would take us into the Final Four. But man, I don't know if we can believe him because like, you can't believe Jon EVER." Jon tries to placate Christa and swears on his "dead grandma, wink wink" that they have a pact. Jon grins at his only friend, the camera, "I think I clumsily tried to make this tasteless analogy before, about how promises are like fat women and wicker furniture to ol' Jonny Fairplay--easily broken. I still haven't figured out how to put all those words in the right order but who cares, I'm gonna be a millionaire!" Jon gets irritated at Christa's worries--why are these women being so freaking passive!? Why are they trying to be allowed by the men to enter the Final Four when they have had the numbers to just take it? I hate it when women get all stereotypically completive. Christa shrugs, "Hey, man, what am I supposed to do? I just really hope that like, Jon's telling the truth. Who am I kidding, he like, probably isn't. I really think that Sandra and I have a better chance going in with the girls than with Burton and Jon." Well, sorry Christa, but you had your chance to oust Burton last night and you passed on it and it turns out that was your last chance. Sandra goes out to "gather firewood" with Darrah. She tells the skeptical Darrah that NOW she and Christa REALLY REALLY REALLY mean it when they say they want to get rid of the men. I really wish Darrah had let her have it here, and said "Well what the frick was that all about last night? Me and T believed you and we voted for Burton and then you screwed us!" Instead she just listens with that half-dead stare of hers. She tells us, "They come up tuh me tuh try en git mah vote or swiiy my vote en stuff but ahm jes gon' set back en see wha's gon' on an' then decide wha' ahm gon' do, y'hear?" All evidence to the contrary, I think Darrah might actually be playing this game. Sandra thinks they should gun for Burton next, and then Jon will be a push-over "cuz he's like a girl." He's gonna have the last laugh if you keep trusting him, dumb ass.

ANOTHER TEDIOUS REWARD CHALLENGE

Burton comes back from fishing with a net full of stingrays and fish. Everyone's pleased. Then it's time to go to the Reward Beach, where Jeff tells them they will be randomly split into two teams, one of whom will win a night and day being pampered at a spa, plus they'll get their swimsuits (which they packed but didn't get to bring when they were shipwrecked). As usual, Jeff rhetorically asks, "Worth playing for?" And everyone says, "Yeah!" Just once, I'd love for someone to balk, you know, quote Han Solo, "No reward is worth THIS!" and leave. But everyone plays. Jon, Lil and Darrah take on Burton, Christa and Sandra. Sandra and Darrah are given the starting spot in a relay race that--SURPRISE!!--involves diving down and untying something from the seafloor. These challenges have been UNINSPIRED, Mark Burnett. Sandra's weak swimming skills doom her team whilst the once dead-weight Darrah continues to shine in physical competition.

DARRAH AND THE JERKS

Jon giggles, "This could very well be the best Reward in the History of the Game!" "In the History of the Game" is very big with Jon, but despite all his masterful machinations, he still doesn't come off very well (especially to hear ME tell it, and I'm one of the few people who actually cares enough TO tell it!). Lil gives a rather boring narration of their plane ride around the island, "It was a breathtaking view which I will remember my whole life. I haven't had many plane rides, and when I do, I always sit in the middle seat because I'm such a kind person." Jon babbles inanely, "The Pearl Islands have the biggest islands you've ever seen, and the smallest islands you've ever seen." I guess that's true unless you've been to say, Japan or Hawaii or any island you can actually see on a map without squinting. Then we have to endure Darrah and the jerks rhapsodizing about how there in paradise. They get to see themselves in the mirror and Lil does her pout face as she explains, "I hadn't seen myself in 30 days!" I cannot WAIT until January, when I to will have gone 30 days without seeing Lil. Jon tells Lil that he's gonna promise Darrah a spot in the top 3 so that she won't jump to be with Sandra and Christa and Lil practically salutes, "Yes sir, Jon, sir. I won't say a word, sir." Apparently she's forgotten that lying to people rips her tender little heart to shreds. Then they all get massages and Lil--who mustn't watch TV marvels at the very IDEA that they put cucumbers on her eyes, "I guess it's supposed to be good for your skin, but I wouldn't know. We can rarely afford cucumbers and when we DO, well, they're for eating." Darrah sighs, "Ah think ah'm gonna feel raht sorry fer Burton, jes so's they ken mayk ah nice segwhy..."

CHRISTA REALIZES WHERE SHE IS

Burton is chopping up some fish for dinner when Sandra and Christa try to press him on Jon's promise to keep them around to 3rd or 4th place. Burton frets, "Well, I really can't answer that question because Jon isn't here and everything BAD that happens to you guys? That's all him. I'm just Burton, you know, the guy that keeps catching the food." He rets to us, "I guess I COULD lie, I mean, it's not like I haven't done it before, but Sandra and Christa are gonna be on MY jury so I don't want them to be mad at me. I mean, I'm Burton, what's not to love?" Burton honestly (though rather stupidly) reminds them that they voted the way they did for their own benefit, not to save him, and that he doesn't really owe them anything. Sandra huffs, "Burton has never really been one to talk to Christa or I, but let it be known that had it not been for Christa and I, Burton would not be here!" Oh, trust me Sandra, it's known. That stupid decision that doomed Christa and maybe you? Very well known. She continues, "That should count for something. And the first chance I get to vote him out, he's GOING OUT!" Uh...again, that chance was the day before yesterday and you BLEW IT! Meanwhile, Christa laments how she can never tell when anyone is lying to her. Burton replies, "Let me make it easy for you--everyone's lying all the time. the only time you REALLY know where people stand, it's Tribal Council." Christa marvels, "Man, like that conversation with Burton was a real eye opener! It's like, we're all on a game show and we're each trying to win a million dollars--I hadn't really thought of it like that before!" Sigh. later, she and Burton go "searching for mussels" and discuss strategy. Christa allows for the possibility that she may have to vote against her best pal Sandra, and Burton considers that having Christa at the end might be an acceptable alternative to Jon, since Christa's "rubbed people the wrong way." We've never actually seen it, but they keep saying it so it must be true. Christa talks up Darrah as the biggest physical threat to immunity that Burton has, while Burton continues his, "I can't make even the smallest decision without discussing it with Jon" routine. It's all very meaningless.

THE SILKY SULKY POUTMASTER

Jon, Darrah and Lil are outfitted with silky pajamas to wear to dinner. In the only time I may ever side with Jon, he scoffs at Lil's suggestion that they start with clams, 'After 35 days of eating nothing but seafood?!" Jon orders for both the women and Lil predictably gushes, "I love it when a man just takes over and tells me what to do, think and eat." Jon boasts about his "extensive knowledge of fine food" as he recommends the filet mignon (um...duh). When Jon tells Lil about something or the other from the menu, she word vomits, "You're a lot more smarter than me." Thank goodness she ain't no grammar scout. Jon then brags to the two ladies that Sandra and Christa will never cast a vote against him, prompting Good Soldier Lil to sell out Sandra and Christa's plan to oust Burton and then Jon. Evil Jon then gets off on playing upon their humanity by making them feel bad for his feeling bad that Christa MADE him swear on poor, dear, dead grandmomma that he wouldn't vote against her. That night, and over-caffeinated Lil jumps on the bed. Darrah and Jon want to talk strategy, but when Lil once again sheds light on the TRUE LIL, the one who's good at being a manipulative backstabbing liar, she gets offended (I swear all he did was say she was a master whisperer) and stomps off to bed like a three-year-old, no offense to three-year-olds. "You hurt my feeeeeeelings," she sulks, as she pulls the sheets up around her and refuses to listen to another word. The next morning she complains with no sense of irony at all, "Jon sometimes talks down to me like I'm some kind of idiot. He likes to show that he's in charge." Uh...well, haven't you told him on several occasions that you ARE stupid and you do INDEED want him to be in charge? Like...last night? I know Jon is more evil, but if it WERE, horrors, to come down to Jon and Lil, I would want Jon to win. There, I said it. Now I have to take a shower. It's probably a good time for an...

INTERVIEW WITH A SURVIVOR NON-STAR!

Tonight's Survivor Non-Star--that's a former contestant we feel WON'T be asked back for this February's All-Star game--is Thailand's Jake.

Me: Hello Jake, thanks for joining us.

Jake: Well hello there, young lady.

Me: Jan--your counterpart on the other tribe--was pretty upset to be considered a Non-Star, what's your take on that?

Jake: Well...I WAS team captain of my tribe. I was a leader, and I certainly did my part around camp. So I do think it's a little unfair of you to label me a loser.

Me: Jake, you're still not going on about the "chores around camp" thing, are you?

Jake: Well consarnit, I DID pull my weight around camp, and I'll thank you kindly to put that in the RECORD! Those guys kept saying I didn't and I---

Me: Dude, they were voting out your tribe one by one, they just SAID it had something to do with the work you all did around camp. Plus I think Clay enjoyed pissing you off.

Jake: I hated that little jerk.

Me: Agreed.

Jake: I guess...come to think of it they DID vote us off one by one...Erin, Ken, Penny...and then myself!

Me: ERIN! Please tell my sister about Erin, she doesn't remember her at all.

Jake: Oh well, Erin was that sweet shy gal with the big...you know, bazooms.

Me: Yeah...and?

Jake: That's pretty much all I remember.

Me: Well, it would be hypocritical of me to judge you for that, since that's all I remember too. In the opening credits, they actually panned up from her cleavage to her face before telling the audience her name.

Jake: Heh Heh...Uh, yeah, that was terrible.

Me: Well, I'm starting to break out into that rash I always get when I think about Survivor:Thailand for too long so let's wrap this up. Jake, who from your season--the worst Survivor ever--do you foresee going into the All-Star competition?

Jake: Brian, obviously--he's one of the winners and an all-around great guy. And maybe ol' Robb--he was a high-strung kid, but he growed a lot out there. I wouldn't be surprised if he turned up.

Me: Thank you for your candid and depressing answer and goodbye you big idiot. Let's get back to the Pearl Islands, pronto!

BACK TO STRIFE, BACK TO REALITY

The Chosen Ones get rady to return to Balboa, and we get yet another Tribute to Breakfast as Jon gushes, "We had COFFEE! And BACON! And EGGS! And FRUIT!" Yes, Jon, we know what breakfast is. Jon then likens Survivor to "one giant game of human chess," once a season someone has to say this, like they're some sort of Star Trek super villain. It ain't chess, folks, it's checkers. Jon offers Darrah a place in the Final 2 (like Hatch, he's now promised this to everyone at one point or another) and she falls for it hook, line and sinker, "Ah mean Jon, he's ah snahnk, he lahs bet he also tells theh truth an' ah KNOW he's not lyin' tuh me about bein' in the Final Two." SIGH.

Sandra insists that the Rewardees tell her everything that happened, and Jon takes great delight in rubbing their faces in how great everything was. Lil wisely comments (yeah, even a broken clock is right twice a day), "I wanted to play it down but Jon didn't--oh well, it's not me bragging on it." Lil is now sporting her swim clothes--a dark blue tank top and some black shorts. Having her out of that ridiculous Boy Scout uniform makes her seem more like an adult human being--we'll see. It's certainly a cosmetic improvement. Lil is quite catty when she mocks "how well" Sandra and Christa were taking the whole Reward issue. She hisses to Darrah, "It's all for show." Burton, meanwhile, is quite pleased to hear from Jon that both Lil and Darrah have been promised a spot in the Final Three and are thus neutralized from realigning with Sandra and Christa. Burton asks who's next to go (WHY do they have to discuss this every damn day?) and when Burton doesn't seem overly thrilled when Jon says, "Duh, it's Christa like we've been saying for weeks," Jon gets suspicious, "Why are you wavering on Christa? Do you have a secret alliance with her? Are you gonna screw me? Are you going to stab me in the back the same week I learned about my beloved grandmother dying?! Well are you!?" Burton tells him to chill. He tells us, "I'm the good cop, Jon's the bad cop. I'm rubber, he's glue. I'm Ronald Reagan, he's Richard Nixon." Burton really talks like there's no paper trail--no one will ever know that those votes came from him. Uh, everyone knows you guys are working together, dude. Although I suppose Burton DOES have a pretty good chance at beating Jon. That night, Burton and Lil get to talking, and Lil wonders, "I'm just asking here, but are you still thinking about you and me in the Final Two? Again, I'm just asking!" Burton stupidly replies, "I'm not thinking...that far ahead, Lil." I don't get not lying here because at SOME POINT, if it's up to HIM choosing, he's gonna have to screw Lil, right? But Burton DID promise never to LIE to her, so he tries to explain that he only thinks two votes ahead. But the eternally victimized Lil has been expecting betrayal all along, so she begins pouting, "You've changed your mind, you're having second thoughts!" She shruggingly tells us, "It pissed me off, but wulh, what can I doooooo? I guess I might have to win Immunity myself and then maybe I'll take Burton or maybe I WON'T, hmmmpf!" WHY do ALL these women keep acting as though Jon and Burton already have their reservations made for the Final Three. They CAN'T both win Immunity, and it's just game-smart to break up alliances. Getting rid of either Jon or Burton makes so much sense for the women, but they keep turning on one another. Uck. I can handle a guy winning, don't get me wrong, but I can't take another Thailand where the women just keep doing what the men tell them until they're all gone.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

how interesting
Burton is no longer the
only bad-ass here!

For Immunity, the Survivors have to fire musket flareguns at targets with their own names. The first person to hit all three of their targets wins. Christa is first and can't even hold the weapon right, having never held a gun before, so Jeff comes over and helps her, puts his arms around her...man, even if I COULD shoot a gun, I'd feign ignorance to get THAT lesson. It's been awhile since I've gushed about my dear Jeff, but isn't he dreamy? Christa hits her target! Like Burton in the dart competition that doomed Rupert, Darrah is a certified bad-ass as she casually hits each of her targets--it's just like bullseye-ing womp rats back home, I'm sure. Burton dubs her dead-eye Darrah. No, not dead WEIGHT Darrah, but dead EYE. She's turned into a player--in the words of 70's super group Chicago, "baby what a big surprise, right before our very eyes!"

AS LONG AS WE KEEP SAYING WE DON'T TRUST JON, IT'S OKAY IF WE DO

Christa ALMOST won Immunity, but missed her last shot, allowing Darrah to slide in and win. Christa claims, "I almost won Immunity--I almost ALWAYS win Immunity." I...don't think that's true, at least I don't remember that as such. She wasn't in last week's word scramble run off, she wasn't any good with the darts. She DID come close to winning the coconut quiz, but that's it. She feels vulnerable, she insists, yet she still believes Jon. Sandra doesn't, and tries to get Darrah to vote out Burton. Darrah balks, insisting that she's going along with "the plan" to oust Lil. Darrah's utter lack of enthusiasm or expression when she says anything makes for some very convincing lying as she assures Christa and Sandra that Lil's out, "Ah think Jon's tellin' 'er now, y'all." Sure enough, there's Jon and Lil having a heart to heart, as Jon lies to Lil, "Christa wants either YOU or Sandra to go out next--it makes no difference to that cold-hearted bitch, so you know who YOU need to go for, right?" Lil pauses, "Christa," she says, anxiously waiting for Jon to pat her on the head for getting a right answer. She's such an affront to women, she really really is. Jon laughs, "There's a word in the English language, it's probably in most dictionaries and such...and it might even be in some other languages as well, and it's called "naive" and some people are that way and some of those people are obviously playing this game and if I wasn't so in love with the sound of my voice or if I had any communication skills whatsoever, I could probably have gotten my point across by simply saying, "A lot of people in this game are naive. But pithy ain't the Jonny Fairplay way!" Lil mopes, "Wuhl, I'm being told that it's Christa but I'm still gonna...pack up my things, my shells and such. Because those are my only options--follow orders, or go home." Sandra doesn't really believe that the boys are going to get rid of loyal Lil, but Christa believes Jon's grandma swear, and is fairly sure she ain't going home. She does allow, "Everyone's lying, man, and like, everyone's lying very well!" Welcome to the game, Christa.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

The jury is led in, and Rupert's still scowling while Tijuana beams her million-dollar smile. Jeff asks some pointed questions, but only gets dull answers. Rupert looks about ready to explode though, when Burton defends deceit and lying in the course of winning the game. Christa admits she's probably lied a few times, but most of her lies have been lies of omission. She also expresses hope that her legendary, non-televised penchant for "rubbing people the wrong way" might make her desirable to keep around until the final two. Jeff asks Sandra who she Wouldn't want to go against at the end, and Sandra insists that Lil is unbeatable, "She's so nice and everyone loves her!" "Awwwww," Lil weeps while I puke my guts out, pleh! Jeff asks Lil is she's worried about being too likable, and Lil wisely (again, TWICE a day) states that there's more to winning the game than being likable--it's about strategy too (just ask Richard Hatch). Jeff laughs when to a man, revoke insists that they trust their relationships. "You all trust each other, and you have no idea how the vote's going to turn out."

Christa ends up in 6th place, where she joins wise Colleen, Jerri-stooge Amber, and the first aligned-with-evil but ultimately redeemed Li'l Kim from Africa. We mercifully parted with the cantankerous self-proclaimed General and the still-insisting-he-pulled-his-weight Jake at this point in the game and last season, we watched in horror as Christy caught the virulent power-madness of the Amazon and was eliminated. Next up? I KEEP HOPING these idiots will wise-up and oust Jon. Yes, yes he's a bastard no one likes but he's PLAYED the game. I'd rather go in with Lil or Burton, who got an unfair second chance at the million. But Darrah or Lil seem more likely targets this week. My one abiding hope is that we are seeing too much of Jon and Burton's certainty of their Final Two status for that to actually be true...right?

Peace Out! :D