Survivor 7.13 Bye Bye Burtie :D

Once again, a special Sunday Survivor Finale means I've got to bang out my review pronto! Yipes! This was another fantastic hour of television, thanks to the unbearable arrogance of Burton and Jon and the timely solidarity of Darrah, Sandra and Lill...

SMUG AND SMUGGER

Jon and Burton make no effort to hide their glee at having ousted Christa and duped Sandra. Burton brags, "Chalk another one up for Jon and me--Christa never saw it coming. Another blindside. Mmmm mmmm, how I love me some blindside. That's three in a row!" Jon tries to convince Sandra that Christa was lobbying for them to oust Sandra instead of Lill. An angry and skeptical Sandra scowls, I guess I shouldn't complain--I got three more days." Jon snickers, "Sandra's totally clueless--she thinks she's going next but we want to get Darrah because her athletic prowess is starting to make us question our manhood." The next day, a resigned-to-expulsion Sandra reveals her plot to slowly sabotage the camp over the next few days by hiding or destroying the tribe's water cans, fishing gear and cooking utensils little by little, to ensure maximum suffering once she's gone. You don't mess with Sandra--who must make one HELL of an interesting "office assistant." Take the last jelly donut and she's liable to hide your stapler.

The next morning, Jon, Burton and Lill go hunting for cockles and mussels, alive alive-o. Jon wants to target Darrah but Lill says, "Wuhl, I'm not to wild about that, you know?" She whines to us, "We had a paaact. What happened to out alliiiiiiiance of four? What happened to Burton saying we were gonna be the Final Twoooooo? Now he wants to get rid of Darrah before Sandra? Gee. If they can screw Darrah over...why, they can screw ME over!!!" Um. Yeah, DUH. You mean, the same way they screwed over Rupert, Tijuana and Christa? Jon and Burton are lying and have lied to EVERYONE in this game EXCEPT you? How did that ever sound like the truth?

LONG-ASS REWARD CHALLENGE

To win yet another overnight feast away from the others, this one in the ruins of Old Panama CIty, the Survivors must compete in another jailbreak-like game that involves digging, finding co-ordinates, untying stuff, grabbing keys, breaking plates and doing a word puzzle. When the ever-incompetent Boy Scout Leader Lill starts digging randomly rather than try to figure out which way's North, Jeff calls her on and she gets all flustered and starts spazzing out, "Focus Lill, FOCUS! Shut up, Daddy I CAN do this, I KNOW I CAN! Oooo! I can't think!" That's the only interesting thing that happens, and Burton wins easily, much to the delight of his trusty suck-up sidekick Jon--who really does make a rather fitting Robin to Burt's Batman. Burton picks Jon to come with him on his adventure and the two men proceed to jump up and down and scream "We're the Kings of the World!" If Burton was half the mastermind he reckons himself to be, he would have chosen wavering Lill and worked the Outcast Bond and the "I Burton will be the Big Strong Male Protector and carry you to the end" lie while Jon kept an eye on Sandra and Darrah. Instead he leaves the three women alone at camp and highlights and underscores his close alliance with Jon. :D

THE CAR CURSE

Burton is thrilled with his decision to take his closest conspirator, "Honestly we keep going on these things with people we don't really like very much," he sneers. Jon chuckles, "This was the first time we felt we could leave the girls alone in camp without our supervision and not worry about them, ha ha ha, plotting against us or whatever." Jeff accompanies the boys to a parking lot where he reveals that Burton has also won a GMC Envoy SUV, and Burton and Jon are so excited about it they start making out. Burton then rhapsodizes, "I'm SUPER athletic and do all sorts of manly things like camping and snowboarding and whatnot, so I'm the perfect person to win this vehicle." He SHOULD be nervous--the winner of the car reward has NEVER won the million dollars--Colby, Lex, Sean, Ted and Matt. Jon gushes, "30 days ago I would have been so jealous and angry if anyone but me won a car but now that I'm Burton's bitch I think it's fabulous!" The two men drive to their feast and Jon swoons, "Burton, you're the ONLY person I like in this game." Burton smirks, "I'm pretty DAMNED irresistible, ain't I?" Then we have to endure yet another tribute to the glories of food: "Wow! Food! It was so great! It was so much better than licking slime of rocks!" The guys share a hearty laugh at the thought of the girls back at camp eating mussels. Burton scoffs, "None of them is yet to catch a fish--they've been riding coattails this entire time." Hey Burt, if this game were really about who works hardest, Rupert would still be there kicking your ass. This game is not called PROVIDER or BEST LIAR or MASTERMIND, it's called SURVIVOR. Some survive by lying and deceit, others by laying low, others by excelling at the challenges when it matters. It is VERY (and WAY TOO) important for both Jon and Burton to appear in control of every single thing that happens, as though being "The Mastermind" is the only legit way to go. But there's more than one way to win this game and they ALL require luck and adaptability. Most importantly, you have to survive yourself and the way YOU'VE played. Presently, Jon and Burton are too power mad to account for what's about to happen...

HELEN AND JAN DON'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE

The girls lay about on the shelter, as Burton predicted, not fishing. Lil hedges, "It's hard not to wonder what those two boys are saying...or what they've promised each of us." Sandra frowns, 'Duh, they've promised us each the same thing." Lil imparts, "Don't trust anything Jon says," and Sandra replies, "Duh--I've been saying that from the beginning! I've always said they were both snakes and that they're both good liahs!" You uh, also dumped Tijuana instead of Burton when ya had the chance, Sandra. Let's not forget. Then the floodgates open and Lill informs an unsurprised Darrah of the boys plans to oust her before Sandra, "Wuhl, but I fooought for you. It should be SANDRA, I said," she insists right in front of Sandra. Darrah asserts that they need to get rid of the boys and Sandra agrees, "You don't have to tell me twice. Whichever doesn't win immunity--he's gone. No need to discuss it in the bushes where it can easily be overheard by...whoevuh." Then Lill has to be the wet blanket, "Wuhl, waaaait a minute. No matter whaaaat I may not be able to do any better than third because neither of you wants to go up against someone as nice and kind and good as I am!" But Sandra presents a good case, claiming Lill will have a better chance at winning immunity against the other two girls than she would against the boys. Lill nods, "I think we get Burton first." The girls all agree that should either of them win, Burton is the target and Sandra decides to put aside her plans to terrorize the camp...for now.

TESTOSTER-OH NO

Back at the ruins, Jon giggles, "So, are we even remotely worried about the girls strategizing against us?" Burton guffaws, "I think we can squash anything they come up with pretty quickly--none of them have had a strategy so far, why should they start now?" Jon feels that since they only need to sway one of the girls to their side, they're totally safe and besides, "We have the intellectual advantage." >:p Burton and Jon decide not to tell the women that Burton won the car so they won't resent him--don't worry, they hate you enough as it is, Burton. Burton isn't done bragging, "Jon and I have been running the game for some time now and I don't think the girls could come up with a strategy if they HAD to." WHAT strategy do they need come up with? It's not calculus we're talkin' here, it's simple arithmetic. 3 is greater than 2. If they CHOOSE to vote one of you out it is GOING to happen. Burton and Jon have no worries as they set up the camper tent section of Burton's massive SUV and Jon says, "We've played everything about as good as it could be played in this game," and Burton laughingly replies, "A bunch of people are about to get run over by a bus but you and I are good." They spend the rest of the night making sweet love to one another.

THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TRIBE

Lill has had trouble sleeping and moans, "I don't know why God's putting me through this." It's to punish you Lill. Ay yi yi, you're the one that signed up for 40 days in the wilderness on a cutthroat reality show, leave God out of it. Lill thinks she might be having menopause-related symptoms and proceeds to whine and wail and fret about Burton's being mad at her if she turns on him and Jon. Sandra and Darrah fret about Loose Cannon Lill and her habit of freaking out and over-reacting to every little thing. Sandra insists to the other girls that she will agree to whatever plan Jon comes to her with, but won't actually betray the New Girl Alliance. Darrah and Lill begin phase one of their scam by trotting dutifully out to greet the returning heroes and immediately regaling them stories about how rude Sandra is being and how they can't wait to get rid of her. They deny that Sandra tried to enlist them to get rid of Burton or Jon and Burton shakes his head, "No, that doesn't sound right--she'd HAVE to have talked about ME." He goes over to the shelter, where Sandra looks to be dying of consumption, and tries to flirt her out of bed. Sandra feigns utter depression and tells him she doesn't intend to do anything to help around camp since she's the next to be voted out. Burton isn't really buying the act but he shrugs, "None of them are very good liars or very good strategizers so we'll wear them done eventually." He tries to lean on Lill but pushes to hard and Lill snaps, "Honey, what do you want me to SAY!? I'm tired, I'm in pain, I want to go HOoooome to my dirty house and my garden and I'm having woman troubles!" And Burton runs away.

Meanwhile, Jon tries his charms (yeah, I know) on Sandra. He tells her she's NOT doomed, and that she has been specially selected to join him and Burton in the Final Three! She makes him swear on his poor dead grandmother which he does and then he makes her swear on her kids. Sandra scoffs to the camera, "And then he wanted to see my hands while I swore--so I wouldn't cross my fingers I guess? How stupid is that," she cackles, and America laughs with her. Sandra explains that in her mind, she was swearing on her children to screw over the boys, not to gun for Darrah and Lill, as Jon believes. She does NOT make a reference to fat women and wicker furniture.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

keys float on water
darrah dashes on wood planks
Burton sucks, ha ha

Yeah...look, I'm tired okay? The Immunity challenge has the Survivors filling a canteen with water, and using that water to pour into a glass chute in order to raise a key on a float high enough so that they can reach it and unlock and lower a series of planks. It's not even close--Darrah's teensy hands allow her to get the keys with far less effort than the others, and her athletic ability (?!) handles the rest. Darrah may be boring, but damn, is she representing for herself as she takes home her third straight Immunity.

Back at camp, the boys are settled on ousting Lill. Jon shrugs, "I feel kinda bad but Lill's really breaking down and she's not doing as much work around camp and there's really no point to Lill when she's not working her ass off, is there?" He asks her how she is and she whines mournfully, 'Look, I already gave my full report to Mr. Burton so please stop playing tag team on me." Jon is defensive, "WHa--I was genuinely interested in your well-being, I swear on my poor beloved dead grandmother!" He runs to his master and tells Burton that he thinks something's rotten in the state of Balboa, "I think Lill made a deal with the other girls to vote YOU out if Darrah won immunity," he says logically. Burton shakes his head and laughs, 'No no no, Lill adores me as all women do--I'm Burton. Lill's a basket case--a disaster. Her body's shutting down and so's her mind and that's why it's the perfect time to get rid of her." Jon is placated. Burton goes on one more fact-finding mission--when Sandra tells him that Darrah's winning every Immunity "is bad business," Burton tells her that Lill told him that there's a 3 girl alliance brewing. Sandra doesn't fall for the lie, and says smoothly, "She must be making that up cuz 'I'm not evuh siding with Lill. I know how she feels about me and I ain't buying all that grandmother niceness act of hers, it's BS. She don't even talk to me and I'm writing LILL on my card tonight in big ol' letters to save my ass, okay?" It's exactly what Burton wants to hear, so he buys it, "The great thing about Sandra is she'd stab her best friend in the back to get to the next level." It's funny to me that both Jon and Burton have this opinion of Sandra even though she hasn't betrayed anyone she genuinely considers a friend but whatever. As Lil lays in a hammock and gazes "despondently" at the sea, Darrah and Sandra assure Burton and Jon that they are on board to make Lill walk the plank. Jon sneers, "All three girls are ass-dumb. they all three share---I don't even think they share one brain between them because if they did they'd think, "Hey, we can get rid of these guys." The girls out here have done nothing for women's rights." Aw crap, and I so wanted to vote in the next presidential election--thanks a lot, Sandra. I was gonna say that Jon will have a hard time getting a girl after this but let's face it--he's a pretty tough sell even when he's keeping his mouth shut. He babbles on, "They've shown themselves to be nothing more than followers. It was downright foolish of them not to have talked to one another but they're not as smart as me, obviously." It's so funny on Survivor when someone is SO SURE that the person who they know is lying to everyone else is telling THEM the truth, and it's even more amusing to watch Burton and Jon drown in their arrogance, confident in their safety only because they are so certain that the women are incapable of deceiving them--since WHEN are women incapable of deceiving men, guys?

TRIBAL COUNCIL

The jury is let in and Christa is downright radiant as her shampooed hair flows free and she smiles at her pal Sandra. Sandra grins back, knowing that Christa will be thrilled with what's about to happen. Jeff asks Darrah how she's holding up and she drawls, "Well sir, I reckon I'm raht tard all the tam. I got no enuhgy an' I went tuh git fahrwood and it plumb tuckered me out, y'hear?" Knowing that Jon has been on camera 24/7 talking about how lame the women are, Jeff takes great delight in asking him what he thinks about three women being in the Final Five and Jon does his best Eddie Haskell (No relation to Colleen), "Oh the women are SO impressive, why Lill here is the strongest of all of us and truly the hardest worker. Sandra's every bit as tough as us men [Sandra stifles a snort] and Darrah has won three immunity's in row and that's no joke! I'm VERY impressed in that respect." Jeff turns to Lil and asks if she's surprised to have made it this far and she goes into her Little Midwestern Me shtick, "Oh well, between you and me and God--I feel I have to mention God every time I open my mouth, just to remind everyone that I am indeed a Christian woman, even though I know this just annoys Christine who thinks I'm an embarrassment to women, Christians, Boy Scouts and people from Ohio--anyway, between you me and JESUS and of course, the 20 million or so people who are watching this I suppose, I NEVER thought little pathetic me would make it this far and I would just be so honored to stay three more days or however long the rest of my tribe sees fit." Great Jon reaction shot here, as he's kinda surprised she's stopped playing dead, hee hee. Then Jon playfully tells Jeff, "Oh, I hate Tribal Councils--the last three votes have been so shocking to me and I really hope this one isn't another one!" Rupert and Tijuana grimace as they stick pins in little Jon voodoo dolls. My wonderful Jeff is pretty sure that Burton's on the way out so he gives him some rope to make a nice little noose, "Burton, the last three people who came here were completely blindsided--does that make you feel bad? Rhino, here's some buckets for you all to vomit in while you listen to Burton's answer." Burton nods sincerely, "I feel awful about it--don't forget that I TOO was blindsided...sort of, I mean, I saw it coming because I'm Burton and no one can fool me but still, I know how bad it feels to be voted out. But sometimes, blindsiding your target is the only way to make sure they don't turn around and get you instead." Lots of eye-rolling and seething. Tijuana has to be particularly annoyed because if she'd just gone ahead and blindsided Burton--and NOT told Jon, she might still be in the game.

In a marvelous SURPRISE vote, Burton is ousted 3-2. Jeff loves every minute of it--revealing Burton's name with a flourish, snuffing out Burt's torch, and rubbing Jon's face in the fact that there was another surprise vote. Jon smiles through the pain and tries to put up a brave show while Rupert and Christa bash fists in celebration from the jury box as Sandra revels in their victory. Burton upgrades from 13th place to 5th where he joins Dumb Dr. Sean, kind-hearted Rodger, tenacious T-Bird, Angry Sean, Sleep-grinding Ted and horrible hateful Heidi *shudder*. Burton's exit speech is a real charmer, as he starts out trying to be a big man and a good loser, talking about how he's just so honored to have a second chance and what not. But then he calls out Lill, "Lill, we had an alliance and you betrayed it. Big as Texas...I hope you can live with yourself." The Big as Texas thing--if someone gets that reference, please let me know--is it some kind of cattleman curse--"My revenge shall be as BIG AS TEXAS, bwah ha ha!" But the idiotic audacity of Burton to accuse Lill of betraying HIM, when he's spent the last two episodes INSISTING that they DIDN'T have an agreement to go to the end together and when he JUST NOW wrote LILL'S name down! Ay Carumba! It's another Survivor staple--the players that really do resent anyone who would dare try to, you know, win themselves? Burton, get over yourself.

Predictions? Last season, I got a lot of them right except, ahem, the winner and I also vowed to jump out a window if Jenna won, which she did but I didn't. I will make no such empty threats, especially as there remains a 50% chance of something terrible happening. I suspect however that Lill will be gone next vote, as much as I would like it to be Jon (Sandra and Darrah have VOWED to dump him, but WILL they?). We'll see. I think Sandra is the safest in the short-run, and she's who I desperately would like to win. Darrah would be alright--she's certainly proved worthy with all her immunity wins. I think Sandra and Darrah both want to go in against each other OR Jon, while Lill would probably want to go in with Darrah, I don't see Lill making the "go in with a jerk" move. If Lil wins, whatever dude. She did do some nice lying and alliance shifting in this episode, which at least makes her a real player...sort of. But I'm morally opposed to an outcast winning. It's cheating! She was voted out and she shouldn't be there, hmmpf! But I don't see this group keeping Lill around at the end. Darrah and Jon will want to take Sandra. I find it hard to imagine Jon having the votes on that jury to win. I'm gonna predict a win for Sandra--why the hell not? :D

Peace Out :D