Survivor Thailand Finale 5.13

Earlier in the season I said that Clay and Brian were the worst case scenario for the final two, and it inevitably came to pass--everyone else was too stupid to stop them. Porn Star Brian's victory is the perfect way to end this perfectly dreadful season.

Let's get this over with. We begin right after Ted's ouster, and Clay and Brian are of course gloating about how Ted was an idiot to trust them,
"WeknewwhenwegottothispointwehadtogetridofTedblahblahtotalshock
blahblahblehwetoldhimJanwasgoingblah." Helen feels *kinda* bad and Brian and Clay insist that hosing people is part of the game. Helen tells us, "At this stage in the game, it's every man for himself...I don't know where that leaves the women, I'll have to ask Brian about that." At the campfire, Brian chuckles, "Final Four...it sounds like a basketball tournament." "Yeah!" Jan enthuses, "That's what I keep thinking!" These people are such freaking idiots.

Next morning they get some tree mail and a bunch of little floats to decorate.

Bonus Haiku

you know what this is
pretend you care for others
we need to fill time

So Brian, Helen, Ted and Jan--the Final Four, if you will, have arts and crafts time doing flower arrangements for these little hat-like boats that each bear the name of one of the losers. Jan feels that Erin's hat boat should get a Lotus flower because Erin was contemplating getting a Lotus tattooed on her foot. Well okay then. Brian's tells us, "All I could think of was how awful it would be to see your name on one of these stupid things and know what a loser you," he *literally* pats himself on the back! "I was thinking, you've come a long way baby, as I like to say. My attire might be a beard and a bathing suit, but that's more than I wear on most jobs, so trust me, I'm still in business mode!" Helen and Jan go around the corner to get the mail and Clay and Brian shake hands and vow to keep immunity from the girls.

Immunity Haiku

learn from past mistakes
we're done being creative
you've seen all of this

"Well, that's obvious, what that is," Brain says with a pretentious stroke of his beard. "What?" Clay barks, and there's this absolutely hysterically dead silence and then Jan answers, "What...what we've learned. On the island." Brian is such a putz. Sadly, this isn't the "How well do you know your fellow castaways quiz, which *I* always enjoy. Instead it's just a boring hodge podge of a bunch of obstacle courses we've seen on this island of many obstacle courses and Brian easily wins. Helen can't manage to balance herself on a balance beam and sucks hardcore. The *only* good thing about it is Brian has to eat a spider at the end and he doesn't want to. Back at camp Helen is lamenting, "I hate to lose and I hate to look like a fool doing it and I did both today." Well, get used to that feeling because it's gonna happen again at Tribal Council, honey. Brian tells Clay that Helen's making him nervous, and they revisit the sand-scratching incident. Clay is so freaking stupid that he keeps blabbering about how *he* thought they were just playing tic tac toe. Clay, Brian's paranoid and turning on Helen, just shut up and go with it. Brian goes to Jan, "You know who's next to go, right?" Jan says, "Me, right?" "No, Helen." Jan lies down on the sand to cry and nap and ponder the idea of voting out Jan and Brian and Clay hover over her in a threatening manner and tell her it's either Helen or her so she'd better make up her mind. "You'll be third--isn't that great? And don't worry, I'll talk to Helen." The boys leave and Jan says brokenly, "I'm gonna kill myself. Helen works harder than anyone, she sings, she cooks...this is hard." Hard enough to seek her out and talk to her? Nah. Meanwhile, Helen comes back to camp wonders to the boys, "Shouldn't we tell Jan that she's going tonight? It seems like the decent thing to do." "No! No...uhshe'supsetjustleaveherbe!" Clay insists. "Okay," Helen shrugs, not bothering to talk to Jan before Tribal Council. "I checked with Brian, and Jan's going next," Helen says with some confidence. Because she is a moron.

In the Navy! Helen doesn't have a clue!
In the Navy! Brian tells her what to do!In the Navy She's gonna look just like a fool!
In the Navy! In the Navy!
You're about, you're about, you're about to be voted out!

Tribal Council

Jeff calls the remaining tribe members on the fact that they all (and this must have been off camera) said they felt safe last time but Ted was ousted and he must have been lied to. "Is this smart? Screwing over people and then asking them to vote for you?" Clay cackles, "Everyone
hastobeeliminatedblahblehlyingispartofthegameanditskeptClayinthegame." Jan maintains that she's never lied--she never discussed the vote with Ted and he certainly didn't ask her who she was voting for (because, like Helen, he stupidly only checked with the boss, Brian). Jeff asks Brian if he's lied in the game and he pontificates, "No. I've changed my mind a couple hundred times, but I haven't lied. I've been lied to and betrayed, Jeff and I've punished those responsible." Jeff stares incredulously, "Hokay. Helen, have you been lied to?" "Oh I know I have." Clay? "Yeah butIjestdealtthecardrightbacktooldJakeblahblahblah." Jeff sighs heavily, "Helen, seriously, how can you NOT SEE that Clay and Brian are about to stab you in the back!? It is SO FREAKING OBVIOUS!" Helen shrugs, "Meh, I know what I'm doing." Jeff asks Clay another question and regrets it, having to cut him off for the trillionth time, "That's enough Clay, it's time to vote." Brian votes for Helen, "Cause and effect. You caused this effect by daring to think of yourself ahead of me, even if just for an instant." Clay does the same, "Yougotcaughtblahbleh
you'reagreatcookbutIwillkissthecooklaterinlife." WHAT?! Helen and Jan vote for each other and Helen is stunned. She claims in her exit speech that "of the three knives in my back, Brian's smarts the most." Whatever, Helen, we no longer believe that anything you say will resemble what you actually wind up doing. It's ironic that while Brian is correct in saying Helen caused this effect, its for doing the exact opposite thing he claims. He's punishing her for plotting against him when it's her utter lack of strategizing and her loyalty to him that costs her in the end. That, and she's a stupid idiot. Not as stupid as Stoopid Susan Hawk, who also finished 4th to a manipulative creep whom she resepected. Other 4th placers are sweet Lil' Elisabeth, Big Tom, and Judge Paschal.

Back at camp, Jan thanks Brian and Clay for being so magnanimous in allowing her to be the third place finisher. Brain runs down Helen, saying she went nuts on them, while Clay gloats, "Itwaslikeatruckhiterinthe
stomachweslappedherdowninfrontofthecouncilbutshestillhastogiveoneof
usthemoneywho'sshegonnablame," He grins. Clay and Brain are so mean. They get some tree mail and it's Helen's hat boat, which Jan tearfully decorates with cooking spoons. Touching, yes, but sending those spoons adrift means less money for the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation EBAY auction, Jan.

The next morning the final three take in a sunrise and pretend to eat imaginary donuts while sipping imaginary coffee, because they're idiots. Jeff arrives and tells them to send of the hat floats so they can fill up some air time with clips of everyone who got voted out. Tanya is shown projectile vomiting and Robb is shown choking Clay--which *is* his finest moment, in my opinion. They arrive in a bat cave where Jeff tells them to squat in a very uncomfortable position whilst holding several coins between their fingers. When the coins fall, they're out. Now, if I'm doing this for a MILLION DOLLARS, I wait until my legs give out and I fall on my face or when the coins fall out of my hands despite my bst effort but Jan of course just up and quits and apologizes to the boys out of habit. Brian wins and Jan knows she's toast and isn't very broken up about it because she's still just so grateful to still be there. Brian tells us he's leaning towards keeping Clay because he's as sleazy as he is. No Duh!

Tribal Council

Jan gets weepy talking about the spoons on Helen's float as Helen glares pissily from the jury box. Clay claims the ceremony of the hat floats actually meant something to him. When Jeff asks Brian if he's worried about making a $900,000 mistake Brian says, "Yeah, I've been teeter tottering, as I like to say. But it's all tactical. I've gotta make a business decision with sharklike cool, and that's my specialty." Of COURSE, he votes out Jan, who gives Jeff a big hug after he snuffs her torch. She finishes third with people who played much, much harder: Rudy, Keith, Lex and Krazy Kath.

Camp Creep

Brian and Clay burn the canoe. Brian raves, "Burning the boat would be like a cleansing of the soul, if I had one." Clay says it symbolizes, "The endofthosewaterrunsandfishingexpeditionsthatIrefusedtotakepartin." The next morning, a crab pops out of its hole on the beach and does a little mocking dance, "Ya could have eaten me if you'd woken up early enough to catch me, suckuhs!" Clay prides himself in being the lucky little bastard that Brian hopes is the greater to his lesser evil. Brian shadow boxes in the weight-loss mirror and then bows to himself, saying, "Excellent job, sir." No, REALLY, he does. Then they prattle on to the camera about how far they come and what it means to make it to the final two of Survivor, yada yada yada. Magilla the monkey sheds a tear.

Tribal Council.

Opening Statements. Clay says, "I'mluckytobeherewe'reallpeoplenot
piecesofapuzzleIhadtotelluntruthsyou'ddothesamethingasmetogetwhere
IamblahblahblahfeelsorryformeI'm46andaloserIneedthemoneybad." Brian says, "It's been a pleasure manipulating you all, we've had good times and bad times together, all under my leadership. I fed you, I clothed you, I gave you a casa, and i gave you life. When it was time for you to go, I did what had to be done in a fair, business-like way. I respect you all, but it is time for you to offer your sacrifices unto me."

Jury Interrogation

Erin begins, "I've listened to everything you've all said. Now I want to know, why is it you think the person next to you doesn't deserve the money." Brian answers, "Duh, Clay is a lazy little sh**." Clay says something that doesn't make any sense. Ken dismisses Clay, "Youse said dat we'd all do dah same as you to get where you ah, well, dat ain't dah case. I'm goin' home wit my integrity, which all a real man has at duh end of duh day." Word. Then he asks Brian to recount for the jury, "Duh reason you said dat Ted couldn't make it to duh final two." "I never discussed Ted with you." "Remembah, I know duh answer tuh dis!" "Uh...he didn't quite make the effort to uh...fit in." Ken claims he's lying but he's not going to push him on it, it's between Brian and God. Which is unfortunate, because it sounds interesting--especially to Ted, whose eyebrows are glued to the roof.

Penny asks both men if they bothered to get to know her at all. Brian goes all TV psychic, "You have...an older brother...or sister..." "I'm the oldest," Penny corrects. "You're from...something Beaumont Texas," "That's Jan," Penny clarifies. "I see the letter P...or maybe J...and something about water...you were born near it, or you enjoy drinking it...or--" "That's enough, Clay?" And to his credit, Clay was actually listening while he was ogling her breasts, "Your future sister-in-law is planning your wedding, you're a huge Texas Tech fan, you had a rough time during your parent's divorce and you actually had to choose which parent to live with and that caused you to not spend the kind of time with your sister that you would have liked and your favorite color is blue and you're scared of clowns and blah blah bleh blah blah!" Penny is suitably impressed with his attention to her details.

Jake is still hung up on the chore thing and is *still* insisting that he did his share of the chores around camp and he wonders why Clay got so upset about his comments about it at Tribal Council weeks ago. Clay tells Jake that he tried to play everyone against each other and it didn't work so nyah. Jake asks Brian what he thinks and he says, "Clay was wrong, Jake, you did a lot of work around camp." Jake is satisfied. Ted gets up and laces into Brian, "You are a great used car salesman: you sold me your friendship, your understanding of cultural diversity, your word--they were all lemons. Clay, you rode just rode the coattails of Brian. I overestimated you--you're nothing but a redneck hillbilly." He asks Clay to define racism, and Clay hedges, and Ted accuses Clay of making racist comments behind his back. Clay's interesting answer is, "About you? No." Well...about who, then? Clay then defines racism as "SomeonewhotriestobelittletheotherracebutIdon'tthinkI'msuperior toanyonebetheypinkgreenorangeblackorpurplenyeh!" FYI, anyone who uses this argument, where they invoke colors of people that don't actually exist to prove how tolerant they are? Racist. Jan asks both men to talk about what they did around camp to make sure everyone was surviving and you can guess how that turned out: Brian did stuff, Clay gets defensive about the stuff he didn't do. Then Helen goes off on Brian, also calling him a sleazy car salesman (too bad they didn't have the sleazy porn star card in their arsenal) and screaming at him for not being "man enough" to tell her she was going that night (she wasn't "woman enough" to warn Ted or Jan, but whatever). Brian accuses *her* or plotting with Ted and surprisingly, after yelling back and forth for a bit, Brian actually manages to get Helen to feel that his alleged paranoia (I still think he was acting, he never wanted Helen in the final two) is flattering to her, "I made one little mistake that cost you a shot at a million dollars, is that worth being angry about? I was afraid of you Helen, you are so powerful and I knew you could get rid of me!" "Well, I wouldn't have. But thanks, sir, for your honesty about how you lied to me." She wonders what lowly worm Clay ever did around camp and he blows her off "NothingIsaywillsatisfyyousotherenyah," Clay *really* wants that 100 grand runner-up prize.

Which he gets. Erin, Ken and Penny vote for Clay, with Penny saying, "You seemed to care more about who I am and what I'm about, and that's very important to me because I'm so pretty." Ted and Helen both vote for Brian, despite their hatred of him, because he played a better game. Helen actually makes a valid point when she says that Brian won several of the team challenges single-handedly (the breath holding one, for example) so she figures they all made it as far as they did because of him. Jake of course votes for "class act" Brian as does Jan, and Brian is announced the winner to a Los Angeles studio audience who I have to believe was instructed not to boo either possible result. Clay joins runners-up Kelly, Colby, Old Kim and Neleh, while Brian is in the winners circle with Rich, Tina, Ethan (sigh) and Vecepia. Brain, in an attempt to look as scruffy as he did on the island, is now sporting a look that dreamy Ewan MacGregor wasn't even able to pull off in "Attack of the Clones": full beard and feathered hair, blech. Jeff thanks the jury for the vitriol that made the last episode almost interesting. He also renews our engagement when he says before he reads the votes that the winner would get the million dollars and a new Chevy Trail Blazer, "And Brian, you'd already have one if you could spell Road, dumbass." Yeah!

The reunion was nice because Jeff does the Q &A instead of snotty Bryant Gumbel or self-promoting Rosie O' Donnell. He only gives Brian a couple minutes to rave about positive affirmation and his all-business attitude before he cuts him off and goes to the rest of the gang, which was refreshing. Clay still can't figure out what he could have said that Helen would have related to Ted as racist, "AndJeffifStromThurmondhadbeen
electedpresidentin1948wewouldn'tbehavingthisproblem!" In his defense, there were a few black people at Clay's party in Louisiana. At any rate, no one ever comes right out and says what the alleged comment was so we remain in the dark...so to speak.

Jeff tells Clay he was an idiot for antagonizing so much of the jury. He asks Ted why he and Helen and Jan didn't get together with Jake to oust Brian and Clay. "Because we were stupid, Jeff." Helen corrects him, "It was because Jan was stupid--I did try to get rid of Clay, remember?" Jan doesn't, despite the fact that she watched the scene on TV just last week. Jeff asks Jan how she could just sit there and be content with being third place, especially after Brian and Clay were so menacing and arrogant. "I was drunk, Jeff." The Ghandia/Ted incident is revisited and Ghandia apologizes, "I was a stupid moron, Jeff." Shii Ann laughs at her fatal mistake, "Even I was a big idiot, Jeff, and I'm pretty danged smart most of the time." Robb smiles at his clip reel of bad behavior, "Dude, look at what an idiot I was," while we look at his lame ass hair and see that he still is. Jeff tries to get us to care about Robb's dumbb epiphiny--and you really have to be living in Hollywood too long to call that drunken confession of growth and love "powerful," Jeff. Penny looks like a 12-year-old who's just discovered make-up, Jed still doesn't get that he was ousted for being a snot, John still doesn't get that he wasn't so much a threat as he was a big jerk and Jeff praises Erin for having really big boobs and proving...er...that busty women can still be...uh...nice? I guess? I think he was hitting on her. Jeff insists that tearful Tanya, who can barely keep it together, recount how her estranged father and sister were reunited by her "Survivor" farewell party, which made it sort of okay that he was killed a few days later, while she was still in Thailand. Finally, he laments how Stephanie could be so naked and fun on her audition tape and yet so boring and sick and stupid in real life. Steph drawls, "Who's the bigger idiot, Jeff, the idiot who sleeps in the rain and treats everyone like crap? Or the idiots that cast her on their reality show in the first place?" Goodbye Survivor Thailand, you big bunch of idiots!

I'll be back in February for "Survivor: The Amazon." It just *has* to be better!

Christine :D

Survivor 5.12 Our long national nightmare is almost over...

Just a few more hours kids and we are free of Survivor Thailand! I am very pleased and looking forward to spending Christmas with my family. I don't know about you but I'm going to give my parents and extra special "thank you" for NOT being Teri and Ian from the "Amazing Race."

The episode starts with a gross montage of animals in the wild killing their own, as a metaphor for Chewing Gum's having to turn against one another. Turns out, these people care about as much for each other as we do about them, though sadly, that thing that Helen is eagerly chopping open with an axe is *not* Clay's hollowed out skull, it's just a coconut. Helen reminds us that they haven't gone to tribal council to vote out a Gum since Ghandia was ousted 12 days in. "We were the joke team, the old people, the Bad News Gums that no one thought could do it but look at us now!" Brian tells us the secret to winning the game, "It comes down to who's the best skater, who has the longest skates, who has the best skating skills, who can cut corners--you can't lose your cool, you have to *BE* the ice and cut off friendships and throw everyone else a slider--I'm Mr. Freeze. It's 110 degrees out here but I've got my skates on!" I was going to give him fake dialogue but that was just too perfectly stupid and funny to improve upon, especially how he throws the baseball metaphor in the middle of his epic ice skating analogy. I hate Brian.

Superfluous Tree Mail Haiku

here is a mirror
please talk about your weight loss
need to fill air time

Clay calls everyone over to see the mirror, "Y'allaren'tgonnabelievethewrinklesinmyface!" Uhm. They've been able to see your face the last 30 days, you moron. Ted shouts, "Don't look at it too long, Clay, we don't want it to crack!" Heh heh, good one Big Ted. The Survivors look at pictures of themselves taken right before they arrived and then at their emaciated selves. Clay ONCE AGAIN calls himself sexy, which is just more and more disturbing each time I hear it. We see pictures of Brian when he was good looking and Jan when she "had bosoms." Jan talks about her breasts a lot--that's disturbing too. Helen claims, "I still think I look fat," and if she's serious, she needs some counseling because she is not remotely fat. Ted points out her six pack abs that have developed but Helen fixates on the loose skin that's hanging near her stomach--loose because there is no fat their, woman! Ay! The men spend way more time in front of the mirror, preening and obsessing about their new physiques and Jan is right when she calls them pathetic. Is any of this interesting to watch? No, of course not.

Ted and Brian go out to talk and Ted asks his boss who's gonna be out next. "Uh. Er. Uh...yeah. It's gonna be...JAN! Yeah, that's the ticket, old granny Jan--she;s getting, uh...uh...perky, if you catch my meaning." "Oh, uh, yeah okay. I was just worried because I think Clay might try to--"Well I can't be blamed for what anyone else does," Brian interrupts, not making any eye contact. "Ohhhhkay. But, you and me, we're still tight, right?" "Ted, of course we are but remember this is a game and it's business and not personal." Ted tells us, "Brian's a good guy, I know that, but when he started talking about how this was business, I started to suspect he might be lying to me and trying to screw me over. Good guy though."

Reward Haiku

If we get you drunk
will it make you in'tresting?
we sure hope so

Jan starts jumping up and down at the mere mention of Reward Wine--or maybe she just has the shakes. When Clay starts yammering about food, Helen tells him he's had enough reward food, thank you very much. Ted tells us, "I'm still gonna trust Brian and do what he says, but I'm not gonna base the outcome of the game on that." Whatever, dude, nice knowing ya. Later that day, Ted and Helen start talking "privately" by scratching around in the sand. The other three are nearby but are looking in other directions or kind of dosing, I guess. Helen and Brian agree that Clay sucks and it'd be nice to oust his lazy ass. Ted tells us, "Clay does nothing around camp, so logically, he's the next to go." Somewhere in Hayward, California, Vecepia is cackling from underneath a pile of money.

The reward is a Chevy Trail Blazer AND a night of food, wine, hot water and massage. Jeff picks up the gang on the beach and rips around the sand as he zooms them to the challenge spot. The challenge is one of those ones where I zoned out the instructions once he got to the second thing. They had to collect a bunch of letters from an elaborate course and then spell out an activity. Everyone but Jan was pretty even but Brian gets it first--sort of :D He spells the correct answer 'Road Trip' incorrectly--Raod Trip and Jeff tells him he's wrong and Brian is stewing over it and Ted gets it and wins. Brian mutters bitterly, "I shouldn't have yelled it out." Yeah, but more importantly, you shouldn't have misspelled ROAD, dumbass. Clay of course is always bitter when someone else achieves anything. Ted doesn't say, "Thank you oh mighty ruler for being so stupid and careless," to Brian so he incurs his wrath. When he gets to bring someone along he chooses Helen, who he owes from the torch immunity game. Brian fumes even more, despite the fact that he chose Clay to accompany him on *his* little elephant adventure and the fact that Helen hasn't had a food reward yet. I hate Brian.

Ted and Helen drive to the reward site in his new Trail Blazer. Those keeping score at home know that the winner of the truck has never won Survivor. In the first season, I *believe* there was no truck reward winner. I think Rich won one of those super ugly SUV's as part of his prize but that was it. Please correct me if I'm wrong. Colby, Lex and Sean won reward vehicles but none of them won the million dollars. Ted and Helen bag on Clay for a bit, but both agree they can't try to oust him unless they have Jan. Helen says "Well, I know Jan doesn't like Clay," as though this is new information--I mean, honestly, who would like Clay EVER? The pair sits down and gorges on their feast. The two non-drinkers decide to open up one of the bottles of wine and Ted gets blitzed. He also has trouble squishing all the food on his plate into his now shrunken stomach, and Helen tells him he shouldn't have filled up on rice.

Back at camp, Clay explains, "Iwasn'thappyforTedbecauseI'mapetty
jealouslittlesh**" Brian is still kicking himself for blurting out the answer and still furious at Ted, "I didn't even get a Heil Brian. All I wanted was for him to kiss my ring and thank me for my generosity. I did give him the truck." Personally, if I were in Ted's place, I would think that thanking Brian for his stupidity would be rubbing his face in it but, whatever. there's no winning with a psycho porn star, mark my words. Anyway, Brian asks Clay and Jan what was up with Helen and Ted's not-so-subtle sand scratching and whispering. Clay, who was closest to the plotting pair, doesn't know anything about it but Jan, who it turns out is actually playing this damn game chirps up, "Helen and Ted, I couldn't hear what they were saying. They thought I was asleep." Or stupid or clueless or drunk like I did. Clay reacts with that bug-eyed wronged look of his--I just want to beat the life out of that man, I swear--but Brian is surprisingly quick to defend Helen, "I don't think she and Ted have an alliance, we need to get rid of Ted next, that's an order." "SIR, YES SIR!"

Back at the beach, Ted slurs, "Now...Brian and Clayerrrrgonna give you the full court...pressure so you can't say anything...wait. What was I saying?" When Helen is taking a shower and brushing her teeth Ted calls, 'Helen, am I drunk?" "No, Ted." "I love you!" he replies. He goes on to shout, moan, and scream throughout his shower and massage, much to Helen's embarrassment, "He was annoying as hell but he *did* bring me along and I got to wash my hair so I didn't say anything." They wear silk pj's to bed and Ted insists, "My BODY is drunk, but my mind is clear--it's only when your mush is mind that you're drunk, that's what I think!" "Go to sleep Ted," Helen says wearily. If Helen is mistaken in the night for Mrs. Ted, she doesn't mention it, and I imagine she would.

Brian and Clay are playing golf when Ted and Helen return bearing gifts of food and several bottles of wine. Jan grabs a bottle, shoves it down her top and grins, "It's a perfect fit now that my bosoms are all shriveled up!" Helen fries up the food and the boys play golf and everyone pretends they like one another. Helen feels out Jan about Clay, and she's not exactly eager to go against Brian's programming. She does promise not to tell Brian or Clay that Helen discussed ousting Clay with Ted. Jan frets that she's yet to win immunity and may be next to go and Helen reassures her. She asks Jan to tell her before the vote if she's going to help vote out Clay or not and Jan agrees. Then she offers, "Brian's playing a real good game--why do you think he keeps Clay so close? Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." Sounds smart, of course, neither woman considers for a moment going against massa Brian which would be really smart.

Helen and Brian go for a canoe ride and Helen works it hard to get back into the King's good graces, "Ted was just terrible--it could have been so fun and peaceful and he had to go and ruin it with his boorish behavior." Brian tells us, "Helen could try to go against me, but I don't think she'd ever dare. She trusts me and she owes me and she knows she's only come this far because I have allowed it to be so, just as I allowed the sun to rise this morning." Helen gives up Ted's scheme against Clay, "And I agreed with him, I yeah yeah yeah'd him like I was Paul McCartney but I'm not working with him at all and I hope you know that and I hope Clay doesn't think I'm in cahoots with Clay!" "Yeah, he does, I've already had to steer him away from that--see how I protect you?" "Thank you, sir, I will not forget your kindness towards one as unworthy as I am." Then she claims to us that she doesn't know who's side she's really on, except her own, yet she continues to do Brian's bidding.

Immunity Haiku

ever notice how
one who needs immunity
almost never wins

The Immunity challenge involved putting together a bunch of steps and clomping up a podium--it was pretty dull and Brian won rather easily and then he strolled up the stairs like the cocky jerk that he is and everyone else proceeded to kiss his ass because they all know he's the one calling the shots. Lame!

Back at camp, a bunch of really gross, bulbous ants swarm around the fire and Ted does Tai Chi as he muses, "Everyone's playing each other. Logically, I'm next to go because I've won immunity and the truck so people see me as a threat." He goes to Brian and says, "Brother to brother, just tell me, am I next to go?" "No," Brian lies, "Vote for Jan." "Sir, Yes SIR! And thanks for being straight with me." "No sweat, but remember, I can't control what the others do, so if you get voted out, hold it against them not me." "Check." Ted goes back to camp and gives Jan a pretty rock, "Aw, thanks, Ted, this'll make a lovely grave marker for Oliver."

Jan reveals, "I would only join Ted and Helen's alliance to get rid of Clay if I thought it was best for me. There's no real alliances here, we're all out for Brian and then ourselves." Brain goes over the ammunition he has in his arsenal to win the game, "I have total control because I know where everyone's head is at. I have grandma Jan who is completely disposable, I have my loyal soldier Helen who'll do my bidding--she's obedient enough to be my wife, but she doesn't have the bod. Then there's my good buddy Uncle Clay who'll do as I say because I'm the kind of guy he can only dream of being--he hates Helen and she hates him and I can sic them on each other whenever I want!" While checking off his teammates on his hand he gives America the bird and chuckles--well right back at ya, creep! Clay, who's been mercifully edited out during much of this episode, prattles, "We'reallusingeachothertuhgettuhthetopthat'sblahblahblah
herewegoagainthecircushascometotown!" Here *we* go again, I can't understand a word this guy says.

Tribal Council

The Sucks are obviously having a great time back at the hotel because they are the least bitter-looking jury in the history of the Survivor franchise. They just grin through the whole thing. Jake enters wearing a very odd sleeveless ensemble. Jeff asks Clay if he's worried about the fact that the Sucks are the majority of the jury and Clay says, "Ijesthope
I'moneofthetwothey'revotingonblahblahblahIgottadowhat'sbestforClay."
People who talk about themselves in the third person should be summarily executed. Helen responds, "Well, guess what, they have to vote for one of the Gums, so tough luck. I hope they choose the person that did all the cooking and fetched all the water." Jeff asks Brian if anyone's fate is sealed and Brian says, "No, it's not over until the fat lady sings--as I like to say." Everyone shares a smile, "Oh that Brian, he's so charming!" When Jeff asks if Jan feels more of a burden voting anyone out because she picked the team, she agrees, "We;'ve all grown together and fought to get this far and it's very hard to vote anyone out because we're all equally deserving." For a wonder, she does not cry. Big Ted goes down 4-1, he voted for Jan as Brian instructed him too. He joins dumb Dr. Sean, wise old Rodger, feisty T-Bird and chatty defensive Sean as the 5th place finisher.

It's been proven time and time again that for all my obsessing, I'm not always the best at predicting what's going to happen. I think it's very likely that Brian will win--everyone seems to feel indebted to him. I think he sees himself as a clear winner standing next to Clay (for obvious reasons) or Jan (because she'll be perceived as merely lucky). So he'll want to oust Helen. But here's where my hope lies: There are two immunity challenges left, and if we follow tradition, one will be the quiz about your fellow Survivors and the other will be the "stand on a pole as long as you can test of will" and I can see Helen winning both. And I don't think she'd be stupid enough to bring Brian--she knows he'll be hard to beat in the final two because these idiots (and she;s one of 'em) are all enamored with the scummy bastard. If Clay has the power, I think he'd bring along Jan. Jan will bring Clay. Helen will bring Jan. Who'll be ousted first out of the four? If Helen wins immunity, I think Jan's out, though I guess it's possible that Clay would go. A tie would be cool. Brian is safe regardless and Helen is in the most danger. Hope I'm wrong! Peace and enjoy tonight's Survivor and the hopefully-awkward reunion!

Christine :)

Survivor 5.11

I thought this one was actually pretty entertaining, and I think it was because all the special guest stars distracted me from how awful the regular cast is. Kind of like "The Love Boat." The episode begins with Jan's explaining how Clay reaction to Jake's comments at Tribal Council that night about, yes, as tedious as it has become over the last five seasons, CHORES. All Jan seems to do is tell us about a clip that we've either already seen or are about to see. She's like an actor on a show with no storyline but a guarantee to appear in so many episodes so they just interview her about what the interesting...well...the more active characters are doing or have her explain what the immunity necklace means or whatnot.

The spin on this particular argument is Jake was somehow trying to call Chewing Gum on their bluff about the people being voted out deserving it for not pulling their weight. Which, DUH, is not the reason they're being ousted but that's what Brian said last time and Jake, presumably taking Brian at his word (ha!) made an issue of it. Little Baby Clay whimpers, "Ididn'tlikethatstaementyoumadeaboutblahblahblahblehblaheveryoneworks
ashardasyoudoblahtyblahIamalittlemanblehblahbleh." Helen tells us, "Jake's statement annoyed Clay because it's true. Jake does more than that lazy ass Clay--we all do." Clay continues, "Youslappedallfiveofus
acrosstheface!" "No I didn't." "Yesyoudid!" Ted tells us, "Clay is starting to get on my nerves." STARTING!?! "His outburst was childish and uncalled for. I didn't see anything wrong with what Jake said." After Jake walks away, Clay grins creepily at Ted and coos, "Areyouproudofme?" Ted says, "That was messed up, what you said." Clay, assuming that "messed up" is black slang for "cool," smiles at the "compliment" and chuckles smugly, "Itjesthadtobesaid.Jesthadto.Ijesthadto..." be a complete ass, apparently.

Hey, guess what? 31 days starving and dehydrating on an island with no running water makes you really miserable and golly, you sure miss your loved ones! Jake writes to his wife in his luxury item--a journal, by far the most logical and helpful luxury item you can bring to "Survivor"--barring a skateboard or you lucky deer antlers.

Reward Haiku

by now when we say
stuff like nourishment and feast
expect something else

Helen and Jan go to get the mail and find a small metal container with a little rice in it and run back to camp all excited, "We're eating! Someone's eating! There's rice in here therefore we're eating!"
Ted tells us, "When we heard words like feast and nourishment, we all assumed that it meant food, even though our assumptions have been really really wrong in the past." They get to the Reward Grove, where Jeff informs them that the reward is actually the chance to spend 24 hours with a family member as Helen's husband Jim appears from behind the trees. She of course almost has a stroke and when she gets up to embrace him, Jeff snaps, "HELEN STAY SEATED OR I'LL RELEASE THE HOUNDS!" Ted's brother arrives (sporting a bizarre braided beard), Brian's porn star wife, Jake's wholesome wife, and Clay's gotta-be-long-suffering wife. Finally, one of Jan's sons shows up. Jeff tells everyone the long-awaited gross-out food challenge is here and wonders, "Would you eat bugs in exchange for a day with your loved one? Because the losers ain't getting diddly, folks. Not a hug, not a handshake, nada. We are *that* cruel." Jan assures him tearfully, "I'd eat whatever I needed to be with my baby boy!" Anyone else think Jan's got a homemade still hidden near that animal graveyard of hers? She always seems loaded. Everyone seems eager to do it except for a nervous Brian, who probably doesn't want his busty and mouthy bride anywhere near his casa, blabbing about Cinemax and Cadillacs.

The twist of course is it's the loved ones who have to dine on disgusting creepy crawlers of the earth. "Survivor": When you care enough to eat the very worst. The first thing is a spoonful of red and flying ants, which everyone manages to tolerate. Jeff keeps saying, "It's surprisingly tasty, huh?" As if Mr. "Thailand Hilton" has tried all this crap. When Brian's wife CeeCee finishes her ants, she does a little victory dance that has Clay goggling, "Ohyeahshe'sgotitgoingnow!" while *his* poor wife is still choking on her ants, because he is a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE man! The next item is a big ol' water roach. ICK. When they spurt body fluid, Jeff chuckles, "Oh yeah, there's the juice." I really hate this disgusting, sadistic crap. I give soft-porn CeeCee props for not even trying to eat A FREAKING ROACH. She waves goodbye to her relieved husband. A live grub time trial eliminates Clay's wife, Ted's brother and Jan's son. Many tears are shed.

In the finals, both Jake's wife and Helen's husband manage to eat a fried spider so it's on to a time trial with a scorpion. With Jeff obnoxiously berating them and insisting they could actually both lose, Helen's Jim gets the whole thing down and the two celebrate. I was happy for Helen, but my heart broke for Jake's wife who sobbed brokenly as she shuffled out of sight. CBS sucks.

Jim (who will be played in the movie by Bruno Kirby) joins Chewing Hard and Helen beams as she shows him around. He admits to us, "I was really surprised at how proud they were of this sh**hole cave of theirs," and jokes to the tribe that the loser must get *two* days on the island, ho ho. It was very amusing when Clay asked Jim a question and Helen had to translate from the hillbilly into English. Helen and Jim are given the girl's area to sleep and Jan wonders, "Where am I gonna (hic) sleep?" "With us," Ted smiles. "Well, alright, but there better not be any of that grinding and sexy biting I've heard about!" About her time with Jim, Helen says, "As has been proven time and time again, there is no *possible* way to truly understand the importance of family until you've been separated from them by your participation in a TV Reality Series."

The next morning Helen takes Jim out on the canoe, "Just so he can fully understand our suffering because I intend to bring up my island experience every time he claims anything is ever is *difficult.* For the rest of our married life." Jim says, "Considering how much she bitched during our family camping trip to the Grand Tetons, I was really surprised how well she's handling all the hardship. Helen's a pistol, and she didn't come out here to place third." Let's hope not, but she's still under Brian's sway, telling Jim, "Brian will play fair, Clay won't. I trust Brian, and I'm wondering if I can flip Ted and Jan and Brian to get rid of Clay?" Since Jim ISN'T one of the six people still on Survivor: Thailand, and therefore not a complete clueless moron, Jim says, "Seems to me you're well liked enough around here to do it without Brian's help. Why don't you get rid of Brian? He's the one everyone seems to inexplicably like, he's the biggest threat." "I'd feel bad doing that because I know I wouldn't still be here if it wasn't for Brian." WHAT?!?! Is this according to Brian? Has Helen gotten even one vote? Seems Helen's vote against Ghandia was what cemented her place in the tribe, not Brian's political voodoo on her behalf (if any actually occurred). This is getting way too Deja Hatch for me. Brian has everyone thinking he's their buddy til the end and that they owe him. When the boat comes to fetch Jim, Helen breaks down and cries--in your face, jerky guys she works with! She later feels badly for crying in front of the other campers, "They didn't even *get* a day--or even a handshake, thanks to CBS's typical cruelty!"

Immunity Haiku

If Jake does not win
then he will be voted out
everyone knows it

Jake explains, "There are five of them, and only one of me. And they are all from Chewing Gum and I'm still a Suck. Therefore, I have to win immunity or else they're gonna vote me out. Because five outnumbers one." Sigh. Well, now that that's been cleared up... At Immunity Beach, Jeff explains that they will be building a big cube out of a bunch of little cubes and all of sides of the big cube have to be the same color. Then he surprises the castaways (and me) with the presumed-exiled loved ones, who assemble on the beach for an orgy or crying and hugging and laughing. Despite the presence of cameras, Brian and CeeCee gratefully don't start simulating sex on the sand. However, they do provide themselves with B Movie dialogue, "You gotta do this, baby!" "Don't worry, baby, I've gotta plan. A BIG plan!" Yeah, lying and screwing people over, no one's ever thought of *that* before. Jeff informs the happy group that their family members will be their partners in this competition. Surprisingly, neither Clay nor Brian berates his wife when Ted and his brother win.

Back at camp, everyone's on a high from seeing the fam, except for Clay who still manages to glower suspiciously when Ted and Jake give one another a good-natured hug. Jake is so happy to have seen his wife he isn't even upset about his eminent demise, "I knew I had to win today to win the million dollars but it doesn't matter because I got to see my soul mate and that's what's really important, and unless you've spend 33 days away from your family while on a television show you have no earthly idea how amazing it was to spend just those few minutes on the beach with my beloved wife!" Dude, you were gonna see her in a week anyway.

Elsewhere, Helen pulls Brian aside and wonders, "I don't trust Clay, do you really think he deserves a number one or two spot?" Um, is Helen actually thinking of herself as #3 or is she bowing to lord god Brian and saying 1 or 2 spot behind him? She assures us, "Brian would never play me for a fool, and I wouldn't do it to him." Helen, you are so naive. She rants about what a lazy ass Clay is and Brian promises to take the matter under advisement. Brian tells us, "This is where the cool, calculating businessman side of me goes to work. I have to adapt and I'm good at that--I'm adaptable like a shark! It's about who trusts who the most and who has a little control and I have both." I wish he wasn't right, but he's right :(

Tribal Council

Now that she's not trying to pass herself off as sweet, new juror Penny has forsaken the pigtails for a sultrier look. Helen fibs a bit when she claims, "It was great to see everyone with the family we've heard so much about--I don't want to see *anyone* go." Brian certainly knows better. When Jeff asks Clay if all the warm fuzzies are going to affect the vote he annoys the Sucks by saying, "Noitwasdecidedbeforewegotherethere's
tensionincampanditwon'tbethereanymore," even though they'd've done the same thing to the Gums if the shoe had been on the other foot. Still, you have to think the duplicitous Clay doesn't have a prayer at winning the pivotal Suck vote--sadly, that might make Brian fight to keep him around...but that might arouse Helen and Ted's suspicions...we can only hope. Jeff asks Jake about recent events and he says, "They got a little upset with me for playing the same game they are but that's okay." Brian is once again baffling at T.C., raving, "The person who's leaving brought this on themselves with certain actions, it's simple as that." Or maybe I'm not giving him enough credit. Maybe this is a brilliant thing to say. It can mean all manner of things: That Jake didn't choose any of the Gums to be on his tribe in the first place, that Jake reneged on some sort of deal that he and Brian had, that Jake keeps mouthing off at Tribal Council, or that Jake shouldn't have "lied" to Ted about the Sucky votes that Clay and Brian told them to cast. This could all be part of Brian's performance--his moral indignation reassures the remaining Gums, "That's right, Brian is a stand-up guy! He'd never do *me* wrong." How it plays with the jury might be another story...

Red Herring Clay casts a refreshingly not-petty vote at Jake, saying, "we'stoocloseuhneighborsnottobefriends." Brian says, "Positivity goes a long way, man. Positivity my friend, positivity. You need more positivity in your life, dude." Or something equally stupid. Jake goes down 5-1 and once again votes for poor old Jan instead of potential vote-getter Clay. Let's face it, Jake sucks at this game. He did come in 6th, following in the footsteps of the wise and witty Colleen, who saw through Hatch but lacked the power to stop him. He's not quite in her league but Jake far outshines the rest of the 6th placers: Amber the stooge, Lil Kim the follower and Rob "The General," a legend in his own mind. Jeff raises the jury's collective eyebrow when he says, "I'm fascinated that after EVERYTHING that happened the last three days it was still an easy vote along Tribal Lines. Things are about to get very VERY VERY complicated." Is he overhyping the inevitable "Chewing Gum turns on its self" thing or is there possibly another twist afoot? We will see. Clay seems the likely victim--Unless Brian doesn't want it to happen. Technically, Jan, Ted and Helen don't need Brian to oust Clay but the odds of all three of them ignoring their boss's orders seems unlikely. But Brian seemingly *has* to make a decision on who to go with, and ousting Clay would assure him both Helen and Ted's loyalty. I assume Jan is going to vote the way Helen votes and continue to coast--she would make another likely target as Brian could invoke the old "she's only lasted this long because we've carried her" thing and she is sympathetic enough to get some votes at the end, making her a threat to win the whole enchilada. Hmmm, I wonder just how fast you *could* blow a million bucks on Wild Turkey and the Harriet Carter catalog? Anyway, if Brian doesn't have a deal in place with Jan, it puts off his having to make a decision about which of his supplicants to infuriate. I'd be surprised to see any of the other three go, though if it were Porn Star, pleasantly so.

Peace, and have a great week! Christine :)