Survivor Thailand Finale 5.13

Earlier in the season I said that Clay and Brian were the worst case scenario for the final two, and it inevitably came to pass--everyone else was too stupid to stop them. Porn Star Brian's victory is the perfect way to end this perfectly dreadful season.

Let's get this over with. We begin right after Ted's ouster, and Clay and Brian are of course gloating about how Ted was an idiot to trust them,
"WeknewwhenwegottothispointwehadtogetridofTedblahblahtotalshock
blahblahblehwetoldhimJanwasgoingblah." Helen feels *kinda* bad and Brian and Clay insist that hosing people is part of the game. Helen tells us, "At this stage in the game, it's every man for himself...I don't know where that leaves the women, I'll have to ask Brian about that." At the campfire, Brian chuckles, "Final Four...it sounds like a basketball tournament." "Yeah!" Jan enthuses, "That's what I keep thinking!" These people are such freaking idiots.

Next morning they get some tree mail and a bunch of little floats to decorate.

Bonus Haiku

you know what this is
pretend you care for others
we need to fill time

So Brian, Helen, Ted and Jan--the Final Four, if you will, have arts and crafts time doing flower arrangements for these little hat-like boats that each bear the name of one of the losers. Jan feels that Erin's hat boat should get a Lotus flower because Erin was contemplating getting a Lotus tattooed on her foot. Well okay then. Brian's tells us, "All I could think of was how awful it would be to see your name on one of these stupid things and know what a loser you," he *literally* pats himself on the back! "I was thinking, you've come a long way baby, as I like to say. My attire might be a beard and a bathing suit, but that's more than I wear on most jobs, so trust me, I'm still in business mode!" Helen and Jan go around the corner to get the mail and Clay and Brian shake hands and vow to keep immunity from the girls.

Immunity Haiku

learn from past mistakes
we're done being creative
you've seen all of this

"Well, that's obvious, what that is," Brain says with a pretentious stroke of his beard. "What?" Clay barks, and there's this absolutely hysterically dead silence and then Jan answers, "What...what we've learned. On the island." Brian is such a putz. Sadly, this isn't the "How well do you know your fellow castaways quiz, which *I* always enjoy. Instead it's just a boring hodge podge of a bunch of obstacle courses we've seen on this island of many obstacle courses and Brian easily wins. Helen can't manage to balance herself on a balance beam and sucks hardcore. The *only* good thing about it is Brian has to eat a spider at the end and he doesn't want to. Back at camp Helen is lamenting, "I hate to lose and I hate to look like a fool doing it and I did both today." Well, get used to that feeling because it's gonna happen again at Tribal Council, honey. Brian tells Clay that Helen's making him nervous, and they revisit the sand-scratching incident. Clay is so freaking stupid that he keeps blabbering about how *he* thought they were just playing tic tac toe. Clay, Brian's paranoid and turning on Helen, just shut up and go with it. Brian goes to Jan, "You know who's next to go, right?" Jan says, "Me, right?" "No, Helen." Jan lies down on the sand to cry and nap and ponder the idea of voting out Jan and Brian and Clay hover over her in a threatening manner and tell her it's either Helen or her so she'd better make up her mind. "You'll be third--isn't that great? And don't worry, I'll talk to Helen." The boys leave and Jan says brokenly, "I'm gonna kill myself. Helen works harder than anyone, she sings, she cooks...this is hard." Hard enough to seek her out and talk to her? Nah. Meanwhile, Helen comes back to camp wonders to the boys, "Shouldn't we tell Jan that she's going tonight? It seems like the decent thing to do." "No! No...uhshe'supsetjustleaveherbe!" Clay insists. "Okay," Helen shrugs, not bothering to talk to Jan before Tribal Council. "I checked with Brian, and Jan's going next," Helen says with some confidence. Because she is a moron.

In the Navy! Helen doesn't have a clue!
In the Navy! Brian tells her what to do!In the Navy She's gonna look just like a fool!
In the Navy! In the Navy!
You're about, you're about, you're about to be voted out!

Tribal Council

Jeff calls the remaining tribe members on the fact that they all (and this must have been off camera) said they felt safe last time but Ted was ousted and he must have been lied to. "Is this smart? Screwing over people and then asking them to vote for you?" Clay cackles, "Everyone
hastobeeliminatedblahblehlyingispartofthegameanditskeptClayinthegame." Jan maintains that she's never lied--she never discussed the vote with Ted and he certainly didn't ask her who she was voting for (because, like Helen, he stupidly only checked with the boss, Brian). Jeff asks Brian if he's lied in the game and he pontificates, "No. I've changed my mind a couple hundred times, but I haven't lied. I've been lied to and betrayed, Jeff and I've punished those responsible." Jeff stares incredulously, "Hokay. Helen, have you been lied to?" "Oh I know I have." Clay? "Yeah butIjestdealtthecardrightbacktooldJakeblahblahblah." Jeff sighs heavily, "Helen, seriously, how can you NOT SEE that Clay and Brian are about to stab you in the back!? It is SO FREAKING OBVIOUS!" Helen shrugs, "Meh, I know what I'm doing." Jeff asks Clay another question and regrets it, having to cut him off for the trillionth time, "That's enough Clay, it's time to vote." Brian votes for Helen, "Cause and effect. You caused this effect by daring to think of yourself ahead of me, even if just for an instant." Clay does the same, "Yougotcaughtblahbleh
you'reagreatcookbutIwillkissthecooklaterinlife." WHAT?! Helen and Jan vote for each other and Helen is stunned. She claims in her exit speech that "of the three knives in my back, Brian's smarts the most." Whatever, Helen, we no longer believe that anything you say will resemble what you actually wind up doing. It's ironic that while Brian is correct in saying Helen caused this effect, its for doing the exact opposite thing he claims. He's punishing her for plotting against him when it's her utter lack of strategizing and her loyalty to him that costs her in the end. That, and she's a stupid idiot. Not as stupid as Stoopid Susan Hawk, who also finished 4th to a manipulative creep whom she resepected. Other 4th placers are sweet Lil' Elisabeth, Big Tom, and Judge Paschal.

Back at camp, Jan thanks Brian and Clay for being so magnanimous in allowing her to be the third place finisher. Brain runs down Helen, saying she went nuts on them, while Clay gloats, "Itwaslikeatruckhiterinthe
stomachweslappedherdowninfrontofthecouncilbutshestillhastogiveoneof
usthemoneywho'sshegonnablame," He grins. Clay and Brain are so mean. They get some tree mail and it's Helen's hat boat, which Jan tearfully decorates with cooking spoons. Touching, yes, but sending those spoons adrift means less money for the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation EBAY auction, Jan.

The next morning the final three take in a sunrise and pretend to eat imaginary donuts while sipping imaginary coffee, because they're idiots. Jeff arrives and tells them to send of the hat floats so they can fill up some air time with clips of everyone who got voted out. Tanya is shown projectile vomiting and Robb is shown choking Clay--which *is* his finest moment, in my opinion. They arrive in a bat cave where Jeff tells them to squat in a very uncomfortable position whilst holding several coins between their fingers. When the coins fall, they're out. Now, if I'm doing this for a MILLION DOLLARS, I wait until my legs give out and I fall on my face or when the coins fall out of my hands despite my bst effort but Jan of course just up and quits and apologizes to the boys out of habit. Brian wins and Jan knows she's toast and isn't very broken up about it because she's still just so grateful to still be there. Brian tells us he's leaning towards keeping Clay because he's as sleazy as he is. No Duh!

Tribal Council

Jan gets weepy talking about the spoons on Helen's float as Helen glares pissily from the jury box. Clay claims the ceremony of the hat floats actually meant something to him. When Jeff asks Brian if he's worried about making a $900,000 mistake Brian says, "Yeah, I've been teeter tottering, as I like to say. But it's all tactical. I've gotta make a business decision with sharklike cool, and that's my specialty." Of COURSE, he votes out Jan, who gives Jeff a big hug after he snuffs her torch. She finishes third with people who played much, much harder: Rudy, Keith, Lex and Krazy Kath.

Camp Creep

Brian and Clay burn the canoe. Brian raves, "Burning the boat would be like a cleansing of the soul, if I had one." Clay says it symbolizes, "The endofthosewaterrunsandfishingexpeditionsthatIrefusedtotakepartin." The next morning, a crab pops out of its hole on the beach and does a little mocking dance, "Ya could have eaten me if you'd woken up early enough to catch me, suckuhs!" Clay prides himself in being the lucky little bastard that Brian hopes is the greater to his lesser evil. Brian shadow boxes in the weight-loss mirror and then bows to himself, saying, "Excellent job, sir." No, REALLY, he does. Then they prattle on to the camera about how far they come and what it means to make it to the final two of Survivor, yada yada yada. Magilla the monkey sheds a tear.

Tribal Council.

Opening Statements. Clay says, "I'mluckytobeherewe'reallpeoplenot
piecesofapuzzleIhadtotelluntruthsyou'ddothesamethingasmetogetwhere
IamblahblahblahfeelsorryformeI'm46andaloserIneedthemoneybad." Brian says, "It's been a pleasure manipulating you all, we've had good times and bad times together, all under my leadership. I fed you, I clothed you, I gave you a casa, and i gave you life. When it was time for you to go, I did what had to be done in a fair, business-like way. I respect you all, but it is time for you to offer your sacrifices unto me."

Jury Interrogation

Erin begins, "I've listened to everything you've all said. Now I want to know, why is it you think the person next to you doesn't deserve the money." Brian answers, "Duh, Clay is a lazy little sh**." Clay says something that doesn't make any sense. Ken dismisses Clay, "Youse said dat we'd all do dah same as you to get where you ah, well, dat ain't dah case. I'm goin' home wit my integrity, which all a real man has at duh end of duh day." Word. Then he asks Brian to recount for the jury, "Duh reason you said dat Ted couldn't make it to duh final two." "I never discussed Ted with you." "Remembah, I know duh answer tuh dis!" "Uh...he didn't quite make the effort to uh...fit in." Ken claims he's lying but he's not going to push him on it, it's between Brian and God. Which is unfortunate, because it sounds interesting--especially to Ted, whose eyebrows are glued to the roof.

Penny asks both men if they bothered to get to know her at all. Brian goes all TV psychic, "You have...an older brother...or sister..." "I'm the oldest," Penny corrects. "You're from...something Beaumont Texas," "That's Jan," Penny clarifies. "I see the letter P...or maybe J...and something about water...you were born near it, or you enjoy drinking it...or--" "That's enough, Clay?" And to his credit, Clay was actually listening while he was ogling her breasts, "Your future sister-in-law is planning your wedding, you're a huge Texas Tech fan, you had a rough time during your parent's divorce and you actually had to choose which parent to live with and that caused you to not spend the kind of time with your sister that you would have liked and your favorite color is blue and you're scared of clowns and blah blah bleh blah blah!" Penny is suitably impressed with his attention to her details.

Jake is still hung up on the chore thing and is *still* insisting that he did his share of the chores around camp and he wonders why Clay got so upset about his comments about it at Tribal Council weeks ago. Clay tells Jake that he tried to play everyone against each other and it didn't work so nyah. Jake asks Brian what he thinks and he says, "Clay was wrong, Jake, you did a lot of work around camp." Jake is satisfied. Ted gets up and laces into Brian, "You are a great used car salesman: you sold me your friendship, your understanding of cultural diversity, your word--they were all lemons. Clay, you rode just rode the coattails of Brian. I overestimated you--you're nothing but a redneck hillbilly." He asks Clay to define racism, and Clay hedges, and Ted accuses Clay of making racist comments behind his back. Clay's interesting answer is, "About you? No." Well...about who, then? Clay then defines racism as "SomeonewhotriestobelittletheotherracebutIdon'tthinkI'msuperior toanyonebetheypinkgreenorangeblackorpurplenyeh!" FYI, anyone who uses this argument, where they invoke colors of people that don't actually exist to prove how tolerant they are? Racist. Jan asks both men to talk about what they did around camp to make sure everyone was surviving and you can guess how that turned out: Brian did stuff, Clay gets defensive about the stuff he didn't do. Then Helen goes off on Brian, also calling him a sleazy car salesman (too bad they didn't have the sleazy porn star card in their arsenal) and screaming at him for not being "man enough" to tell her she was going that night (she wasn't "woman enough" to warn Ted or Jan, but whatever). Brian accuses *her* or plotting with Ted and surprisingly, after yelling back and forth for a bit, Brian actually manages to get Helen to feel that his alleged paranoia (I still think he was acting, he never wanted Helen in the final two) is flattering to her, "I made one little mistake that cost you a shot at a million dollars, is that worth being angry about? I was afraid of you Helen, you are so powerful and I knew you could get rid of me!" "Well, I wouldn't have. But thanks, sir, for your honesty about how you lied to me." She wonders what lowly worm Clay ever did around camp and he blows her off "NothingIsaywillsatisfyyousotherenyah," Clay *really* wants that 100 grand runner-up prize.

Which he gets. Erin, Ken and Penny vote for Clay, with Penny saying, "You seemed to care more about who I am and what I'm about, and that's very important to me because I'm so pretty." Ted and Helen both vote for Brian, despite their hatred of him, because he played a better game. Helen actually makes a valid point when she says that Brian won several of the team challenges single-handedly (the breath holding one, for example) so she figures they all made it as far as they did because of him. Jake of course votes for "class act" Brian as does Jan, and Brian is announced the winner to a Los Angeles studio audience who I have to believe was instructed not to boo either possible result. Clay joins runners-up Kelly, Colby, Old Kim and Neleh, while Brian is in the winners circle with Rich, Tina, Ethan (sigh) and Vecepia. Brain, in an attempt to look as scruffy as he did on the island, is now sporting a look that dreamy Ewan MacGregor wasn't even able to pull off in "Attack of the Clones": full beard and feathered hair, blech. Jeff thanks the jury for the vitriol that made the last episode almost interesting. He also renews our engagement when he says before he reads the votes that the winner would get the million dollars and a new Chevy Trail Blazer, "And Brian, you'd already have one if you could spell Road, dumbass." Yeah!

The reunion was nice because Jeff does the Q &A instead of snotty Bryant Gumbel or self-promoting Rosie O' Donnell. He only gives Brian a couple minutes to rave about positive affirmation and his all-business attitude before he cuts him off and goes to the rest of the gang, which was refreshing. Clay still can't figure out what he could have said that Helen would have related to Ted as racist, "AndJeffifStromThurmondhadbeen
electedpresidentin1948wewouldn'tbehavingthisproblem!" In his defense, there were a few black people at Clay's party in Louisiana. At any rate, no one ever comes right out and says what the alleged comment was so we remain in the dark...so to speak.

Jeff tells Clay he was an idiot for antagonizing so much of the jury. He asks Ted why he and Helen and Jan didn't get together with Jake to oust Brian and Clay. "Because we were stupid, Jeff." Helen corrects him, "It was because Jan was stupid--I did try to get rid of Clay, remember?" Jan doesn't, despite the fact that she watched the scene on TV just last week. Jeff asks Jan how she could just sit there and be content with being third place, especially after Brian and Clay were so menacing and arrogant. "I was drunk, Jeff." The Ghandia/Ted incident is revisited and Ghandia apologizes, "I was a stupid moron, Jeff." Shii Ann laughs at her fatal mistake, "Even I was a big idiot, Jeff, and I'm pretty danged smart most of the time." Robb smiles at his clip reel of bad behavior, "Dude, look at what an idiot I was," while we look at his lame ass hair and see that he still is. Jeff tries to get us to care about Robb's dumbb epiphiny--and you really have to be living in Hollywood too long to call that drunken confession of growth and love "powerful," Jeff. Penny looks like a 12-year-old who's just discovered make-up, Jed still doesn't get that he was ousted for being a snot, John still doesn't get that he wasn't so much a threat as he was a big jerk and Jeff praises Erin for having really big boobs and proving...er...that busty women can still be...uh...nice? I guess? I think he was hitting on her. Jeff insists that tearful Tanya, who can barely keep it together, recount how her estranged father and sister were reunited by her "Survivor" farewell party, which made it sort of okay that he was killed a few days later, while she was still in Thailand. Finally, he laments how Stephanie could be so naked and fun on her audition tape and yet so boring and sick and stupid in real life. Steph drawls, "Who's the bigger idiot, Jeff, the idiot who sleeps in the rain and treats everyone like crap? Or the idiots that cast her on their reality show in the first place?" Goodbye Survivor Thailand, you big bunch of idiots!

I'll be back in February for "Survivor: The Amazon." It just *has* to be better!

Christine :D