Survivor 5.11

I thought this one was actually pretty entertaining, and I think it was because all the special guest stars distracted me from how awful the regular cast is. Kind of like "The Love Boat." The episode begins with Jan's explaining how Clay reaction to Jake's comments at Tribal Council that night about, yes, as tedious as it has become over the last five seasons, CHORES. All Jan seems to do is tell us about a clip that we've either already seen or are about to see. She's like an actor on a show with no storyline but a guarantee to appear in so many episodes so they just interview her about what the interesting...well...the more active characters are doing or have her explain what the immunity necklace means or whatnot.

The spin on this particular argument is Jake was somehow trying to call Chewing Gum on their bluff about the people being voted out deserving it for not pulling their weight. Which, DUH, is not the reason they're being ousted but that's what Brian said last time and Jake, presumably taking Brian at his word (ha!) made an issue of it. Little Baby Clay whimpers, "Ididn'tlikethatstaementyoumadeaboutblahblahblahblehblaheveryoneworks
ashardasyoudoblahtyblahIamalittlemanblehblahbleh." Helen tells us, "Jake's statement annoyed Clay because it's true. Jake does more than that lazy ass Clay--we all do." Clay continues, "Youslappedallfiveofus
acrosstheface!" "No I didn't." "Yesyoudid!" Ted tells us, "Clay is starting to get on my nerves." STARTING!?! "His outburst was childish and uncalled for. I didn't see anything wrong with what Jake said." After Jake walks away, Clay grins creepily at Ted and coos, "Areyouproudofme?" Ted says, "That was messed up, what you said." Clay, assuming that "messed up" is black slang for "cool," smiles at the "compliment" and chuckles smugly, "Itjesthadtobesaid.Jesthadto.Ijesthadto..." be a complete ass, apparently.

Hey, guess what? 31 days starving and dehydrating on an island with no running water makes you really miserable and golly, you sure miss your loved ones! Jake writes to his wife in his luxury item--a journal, by far the most logical and helpful luxury item you can bring to "Survivor"--barring a skateboard or you lucky deer antlers.

Reward Haiku

by now when we say
stuff like nourishment and feast
expect something else

Helen and Jan go to get the mail and find a small metal container with a little rice in it and run back to camp all excited, "We're eating! Someone's eating! There's rice in here therefore we're eating!"
Ted tells us, "When we heard words like feast and nourishment, we all assumed that it meant food, even though our assumptions have been really really wrong in the past." They get to the Reward Grove, where Jeff informs them that the reward is actually the chance to spend 24 hours with a family member as Helen's husband Jim appears from behind the trees. She of course almost has a stroke and when she gets up to embrace him, Jeff snaps, "HELEN STAY SEATED OR I'LL RELEASE THE HOUNDS!" Ted's brother arrives (sporting a bizarre braided beard), Brian's porn star wife, Jake's wholesome wife, and Clay's gotta-be-long-suffering wife. Finally, one of Jan's sons shows up. Jeff tells everyone the long-awaited gross-out food challenge is here and wonders, "Would you eat bugs in exchange for a day with your loved one? Because the losers ain't getting diddly, folks. Not a hug, not a handshake, nada. We are *that* cruel." Jan assures him tearfully, "I'd eat whatever I needed to be with my baby boy!" Anyone else think Jan's got a homemade still hidden near that animal graveyard of hers? She always seems loaded. Everyone seems eager to do it except for a nervous Brian, who probably doesn't want his busty and mouthy bride anywhere near his casa, blabbing about Cinemax and Cadillacs.

The twist of course is it's the loved ones who have to dine on disgusting creepy crawlers of the earth. "Survivor": When you care enough to eat the very worst. The first thing is a spoonful of red and flying ants, which everyone manages to tolerate. Jeff keeps saying, "It's surprisingly tasty, huh?" As if Mr. "Thailand Hilton" has tried all this crap. When Brian's wife CeeCee finishes her ants, she does a little victory dance that has Clay goggling, "Ohyeahshe'sgotitgoingnow!" while *his* poor wife is still choking on her ants, because he is a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE man! The next item is a big ol' water roach. ICK. When they spurt body fluid, Jeff chuckles, "Oh yeah, there's the juice." I really hate this disgusting, sadistic crap. I give soft-porn CeeCee props for not even trying to eat A FREAKING ROACH. She waves goodbye to her relieved husband. A live grub time trial eliminates Clay's wife, Ted's brother and Jan's son. Many tears are shed.

In the finals, both Jake's wife and Helen's husband manage to eat a fried spider so it's on to a time trial with a scorpion. With Jeff obnoxiously berating them and insisting they could actually both lose, Helen's Jim gets the whole thing down and the two celebrate. I was happy for Helen, but my heart broke for Jake's wife who sobbed brokenly as she shuffled out of sight. CBS sucks.

Jim (who will be played in the movie by Bruno Kirby) joins Chewing Hard and Helen beams as she shows him around. He admits to us, "I was really surprised at how proud they were of this sh**hole cave of theirs," and jokes to the tribe that the loser must get *two* days on the island, ho ho. It was very amusing when Clay asked Jim a question and Helen had to translate from the hillbilly into English. Helen and Jim are given the girl's area to sleep and Jan wonders, "Where am I gonna (hic) sleep?" "With us," Ted smiles. "Well, alright, but there better not be any of that grinding and sexy biting I've heard about!" About her time with Jim, Helen says, "As has been proven time and time again, there is no *possible* way to truly understand the importance of family until you've been separated from them by your participation in a TV Reality Series."

The next morning Helen takes Jim out on the canoe, "Just so he can fully understand our suffering because I intend to bring up my island experience every time he claims anything is ever is *difficult.* For the rest of our married life." Jim says, "Considering how much she bitched during our family camping trip to the Grand Tetons, I was really surprised how well she's handling all the hardship. Helen's a pistol, and she didn't come out here to place third." Let's hope not, but she's still under Brian's sway, telling Jim, "Brian will play fair, Clay won't. I trust Brian, and I'm wondering if I can flip Ted and Jan and Brian to get rid of Clay?" Since Jim ISN'T one of the six people still on Survivor: Thailand, and therefore not a complete clueless moron, Jim says, "Seems to me you're well liked enough around here to do it without Brian's help. Why don't you get rid of Brian? He's the one everyone seems to inexplicably like, he's the biggest threat." "I'd feel bad doing that because I know I wouldn't still be here if it wasn't for Brian." WHAT?!?! Is this according to Brian? Has Helen gotten even one vote? Seems Helen's vote against Ghandia was what cemented her place in the tribe, not Brian's political voodoo on her behalf (if any actually occurred). This is getting way too Deja Hatch for me. Brian has everyone thinking he's their buddy til the end and that they owe him. When the boat comes to fetch Jim, Helen breaks down and cries--in your face, jerky guys she works with! She later feels badly for crying in front of the other campers, "They didn't even *get* a day--or even a handshake, thanks to CBS's typical cruelty!"

Immunity Haiku

If Jake does not win
then he will be voted out
everyone knows it

Jake explains, "There are five of them, and only one of me. And they are all from Chewing Gum and I'm still a Suck. Therefore, I have to win immunity or else they're gonna vote me out. Because five outnumbers one." Sigh. Well, now that that's been cleared up... At Immunity Beach, Jeff explains that they will be building a big cube out of a bunch of little cubes and all of sides of the big cube have to be the same color. Then he surprises the castaways (and me) with the presumed-exiled loved ones, who assemble on the beach for an orgy or crying and hugging and laughing. Despite the presence of cameras, Brian and CeeCee gratefully don't start simulating sex on the sand. However, they do provide themselves with B Movie dialogue, "You gotta do this, baby!" "Don't worry, baby, I've gotta plan. A BIG plan!" Yeah, lying and screwing people over, no one's ever thought of *that* before. Jeff informs the happy group that their family members will be their partners in this competition. Surprisingly, neither Clay nor Brian berates his wife when Ted and his brother win.

Back at camp, everyone's on a high from seeing the fam, except for Clay who still manages to glower suspiciously when Ted and Jake give one another a good-natured hug. Jake is so happy to have seen his wife he isn't even upset about his eminent demise, "I knew I had to win today to win the million dollars but it doesn't matter because I got to see my soul mate and that's what's really important, and unless you've spend 33 days away from your family while on a television show you have no earthly idea how amazing it was to spend just those few minutes on the beach with my beloved wife!" Dude, you were gonna see her in a week anyway.

Elsewhere, Helen pulls Brian aside and wonders, "I don't trust Clay, do you really think he deserves a number one or two spot?" Um, is Helen actually thinking of herself as #3 or is she bowing to lord god Brian and saying 1 or 2 spot behind him? She assures us, "Brian would never play me for a fool, and I wouldn't do it to him." Helen, you are so naive. She rants about what a lazy ass Clay is and Brian promises to take the matter under advisement. Brian tells us, "This is where the cool, calculating businessman side of me goes to work. I have to adapt and I'm good at that--I'm adaptable like a shark! It's about who trusts who the most and who has a little control and I have both." I wish he wasn't right, but he's right :(

Tribal Council

Now that she's not trying to pass herself off as sweet, new juror Penny has forsaken the pigtails for a sultrier look. Helen fibs a bit when she claims, "It was great to see everyone with the family we've heard so much about--I don't want to see *anyone* go." Brian certainly knows better. When Jeff asks Clay if all the warm fuzzies are going to affect the vote he annoys the Sucks by saying, "Noitwasdecidedbeforewegotherethere's
tensionincampanditwon'tbethereanymore," even though they'd've done the same thing to the Gums if the shoe had been on the other foot. Still, you have to think the duplicitous Clay doesn't have a prayer at winning the pivotal Suck vote--sadly, that might make Brian fight to keep him around...but that might arouse Helen and Ted's suspicions...we can only hope. Jeff asks Jake about recent events and he says, "They got a little upset with me for playing the same game they are but that's okay." Brian is once again baffling at T.C., raving, "The person who's leaving brought this on themselves with certain actions, it's simple as that." Or maybe I'm not giving him enough credit. Maybe this is a brilliant thing to say. It can mean all manner of things: That Jake didn't choose any of the Gums to be on his tribe in the first place, that Jake reneged on some sort of deal that he and Brian had, that Jake keeps mouthing off at Tribal Council, or that Jake shouldn't have "lied" to Ted about the Sucky votes that Clay and Brian told them to cast. This could all be part of Brian's performance--his moral indignation reassures the remaining Gums, "That's right, Brian is a stand-up guy! He'd never do *me* wrong." How it plays with the jury might be another story...

Red Herring Clay casts a refreshingly not-petty vote at Jake, saying, "we'stoocloseuhneighborsnottobefriends." Brian says, "Positivity goes a long way, man. Positivity my friend, positivity. You need more positivity in your life, dude." Or something equally stupid. Jake goes down 5-1 and once again votes for poor old Jan instead of potential vote-getter Clay. Let's face it, Jake sucks at this game. He did come in 6th, following in the footsteps of the wise and witty Colleen, who saw through Hatch but lacked the power to stop him. He's not quite in her league but Jake far outshines the rest of the 6th placers: Amber the stooge, Lil Kim the follower and Rob "The General," a legend in his own mind. Jeff raises the jury's collective eyebrow when he says, "I'm fascinated that after EVERYTHING that happened the last three days it was still an easy vote along Tribal Lines. Things are about to get very VERY VERY complicated." Is he overhyping the inevitable "Chewing Gum turns on its self" thing or is there possibly another twist afoot? We will see. Clay seems the likely victim--Unless Brian doesn't want it to happen. Technically, Jan, Ted and Helen don't need Brian to oust Clay but the odds of all three of them ignoring their boss's orders seems unlikely. But Brian seemingly *has* to make a decision on who to go with, and ousting Clay would assure him both Helen and Ted's loyalty. I assume Jan is going to vote the way Helen votes and continue to coast--she would make another likely target as Brian could invoke the old "she's only lasted this long because we've carried her" thing and she is sympathetic enough to get some votes at the end, making her a threat to win the whole enchilada. Hmmm, I wonder just how fast you *could* blow a million bucks on Wild Turkey and the Harriet Carter catalog? Anyway, if Brian doesn't have a deal in place with Jan, it puts off his having to make a decision about which of his supplicants to infuriate. I'd be surprised to see any of the other three go, though if it were Porn Star, pleasantly so.

Peace, and have a great week! Christine :)