Survivor 5.12 Our long national nightmare is almost over...

Just a few more hours kids and we are free of Survivor Thailand! I am very pleased and looking forward to spending Christmas with my family. I don't know about you but I'm going to give my parents and extra special "thank you" for NOT being Teri and Ian from the "Amazing Race."

The episode starts with a gross montage of animals in the wild killing their own, as a metaphor for Chewing Gum's having to turn against one another. Turns out, these people care about as much for each other as we do about them, though sadly, that thing that Helen is eagerly chopping open with an axe is *not* Clay's hollowed out skull, it's just a coconut. Helen reminds us that they haven't gone to tribal council to vote out a Gum since Ghandia was ousted 12 days in. "We were the joke team, the old people, the Bad News Gums that no one thought could do it but look at us now!" Brian tells us the secret to winning the game, "It comes down to who's the best skater, who has the longest skates, who has the best skating skills, who can cut corners--you can't lose your cool, you have to *BE* the ice and cut off friendships and throw everyone else a slider--I'm Mr. Freeze. It's 110 degrees out here but I've got my skates on!" I was going to give him fake dialogue but that was just too perfectly stupid and funny to improve upon, especially how he throws the baseball metaphor in the middle of his epic ice skating analogy. I hate Brian.

Superfluous Tree Mail Haiku

here is a mirror
please talk about your weight loss
need to fill air time

Clay calls everyone over to see the mirror, "Y'allaren'tgonnabelievethewrinklesinmyface!" Uhm. They've been able to see your face the last 30 days, you moron. Ted shouts, "Don't look at it too long, Clay, we don't want it to crack!" Heh heh, good one Big Ted. The Survivors look at pictures of themselves taken right before they arrived and then at their emaciated selves. Clay ONCE AGAIN calls himself sexy, which is just more and more disturbing each time I hear it. We see pictures of Brian when he was good looking and Jan when she "had bosoms." Jan talks about her breasts a lot--that's disturbing too. Helen claims, "I still think I look fat," and if she's serious, she needs some counseling because she is not remotely fat. Ted points out her six pack abs that have developed but Helen fixates on the loose skin that's hanging near her stomach--loose because there is no fat their, woman! Ay! The men spend way more time in front of the mirror, preening and obsessing about their new physiques and Jan is right when she calls them pathetic. Is any of this interesting to watch? No, of course not.

Ted and Brian go out to talk and Ted asks his boss who's gonna be out next. "Uh. Er. Uh...yeah. It's gonna be...JAN! Yeah, that's the ticket, old granny Jan--she;s getting, uh...uh...perky, if you catch my meaning." "Oh, uh, yeah okay. I was just worried because I think Clay might try to--"Well I can't be blamed for what anyone else does," Brian interrupts, not making any eye contact. "Ohhhhkay. But, you and me, we're still tight, right?" "Ted, of course we are but remember this is a game and it's business and not personal." Ted tells us, "Brian's a good guy, I know that, but when he started talking about how this was business, I started to suspect he might be lying to me and trying to screw me over. Good guy though."

Reward Haiku

If we get you drunk
will it make you in'tresting?
we sure hope so

Jan starts jumping up and down at the mere mention of Reward Wine--or maybe she just has the shakes. When Clay starts yammering about food, Helen tells him he's had enough reward food, thank you very much. Ted tells us, "I'm still gonna trust Brian and do what he says, but I'm not gonna base the outcome of the game on that." Whatever, dude, nice knowing ya. Later that day, Ted and Helen start talking "privately" by scratching around in the sand. The other three are nearby but are looking in other directions or kind of dosing, I guess. Helen and Brian agree that Clay sucks and it'd be nice to oust his lazy ass. Ted tells us, "Clay does nothing around camp, so logically, he's the next to go." Somewhere in Hayward, California, Vecepia is cackling from underneath a pile of money.

The reward is a Chevy Trail Blazer AND a night of food, wine, hot water and massage. Jeff picks up the gang on the beach and rips around the sand as he zooms them to the challenge spot. The challenge is one of those ones where I zoned out the instructions once he got to the second thing. They had to collect a bunch of letters from an elaborate course and then spell out an activity. Everyone but Jan was pretty even but Brian gets it first--sort of :D He spells the correct answer 'Road Trip' incorrectly--Raod Trip and Jeff tells him he's wrong and Brian is stewing over it and Ted gets it and wins. Brian mutters bitterly, "I shouldn't have yelled it out." Yeah, but more importantly, you shouldn't have misspelled ROAD, dumbass. Clay of course is always bitter when someone else achieves anything. Ted doesn't say, "Thank you oh mighty ruler for being so stupid and careless," to Brian so he incurs his wrath. When he gets to bring someone along he chooses Helen, who he owes from the torch immunity game. Brian fumes even more, despite the fact that he chose Clay to accompany him on *his* little elephant adventure and the fact that Helen hasn't had a food reward yet. I hate Brian.

Ted and Helen drive to the reward site in his new Trail Blazer. Those keeping score at home know that the winner of the truck has never won Survivor. In the first season, I *believe* there was no truck reward winner. I think Rich won one of those super ugly SUV's as part of his prize but that was it. Please correct me if I'm wrong. Colby, Lex and Sean won reward vehicles but none of them won the million dollars. Ted and Helen bag on Clay for a bit, but both agree they can't try to oust him unless they have Jan. Helen says "Well, I know Jan doesn't like Clay," as though this is new information--I mean, honestly, who would like Clay EVER? The pair sits down and gorges on their feast. The two non-drinkers decide to open up one of the bottles of wine and Ted gets blitzed. He also has trouble squishing all the food on his plate into his now shrunken stomach, and Helen tells him he shouldn't have filled up on rice.

Back at camp, Clay explains, "Iwasn'thappyforTedbecauseI'mapetty
jealouslittlesh**" Brian is still kicking himself for blurting out the answer and still furious at Ted, "I didn't even get a Heil Brian. All I wanted was for him to kiss my ring and thank me for my generosity. I did give him the truck." Personally, if I were in Ted's place, I would think that thanking Brian for his stupidity would be rubbing his face in it but, whatever. there's no winning with a psycho porn star, mark my words. Anyway, Brian asks Clay and Jan what was up with Helen and Ted's not-so-subtle sand scratching and whispering. Clay, who was closest to the plotting pair, doesn't know anything about it but Jan, who it turns out is actually playing this damn game chirps up, "Helen and Ted, I couldn't hear what they were saying. They thought I was asleep." Or stupid or clueless or drunk like I did. Clay reacts with that bug-eyed wronged look of his--I just want to beat the life out of that man, I swear--but Brian is surprisingly quick to defend Helen, "I don't think she and Ted have an alliance, we need to get rid of Ted next, that's an order." "SIR, YES SIR!"

Back at the beach, Ted slurs, "Now...Brian and Clayerrrrgonna give you the full court...pressure so you can't say anything...wait. What was I saying?" When Helen is taking a shower and brushing her teeth Ted calls, 'Helen, am I drunk?" "No, Ted." "I love you!" he replies. He goes on to shout, moan, and scream throughout his shower and massage, much to Helen's embarrassment, "He was annoying as hell but he *did* bring me along and I got to wash my hair so I didn't say anything." They wear silk pj's to bed and Ted insists, "My BODY is drunk, but my mind is clear--it's only when your mush is mind that you're drunk, that's what I think!" "Go to sleep Ted," Helen says wearily. If Helen is mistaken in the night for Mrs. Ted, she doesn't mention it, and I imagine she would.

Brian and Clay are playing golf when Ted and Helen return bearing gifts of food and several bottles of wine. Jan grabs a bottle, shoves it down her top and grins, "It's a perfect fit now that my bosoms are all shriveled up!" Helen fries up the food and the boys play golf and everyone pretends they like one another. Helen feels out Jan about Clay, and she's not exactly eager to go against Brian's programming. She does promise not to tell Brian or Clay that Helen discussed ousting Clay with Ted. Jan frets that she's yet to win immunity and may be next to go and Helen reassures her. She asks Jan to tell her before the vote if she's going to help vote out Clay or not and Jan agrees. Then she offers, "Brian's playing a real good game--why do you think he keeps Clay so close? Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." Sounds smart, of course, neither woman considers for a moment going against massa Brian which would be really smart.

Helen and Brian go for a canoe ride and Helen works it hard to get back into the King's good graces, "Ted was just terrible--it could have been so fun and peaceful and he had to go and ruin it with his boorish behavior." Brian tells us, "Helen could try to go against me, but I don't think she'd ever dare. She trusts me and she owes me and she knows she's only come this far because I have allowed it to be so, just as I allowed the sun to rise this morning." Helen gives up Ted's scheme against Clay, "And I agreed with him, I yeah yeah yeah'd him like I was Paul McCartney but I'm not working with him at all and I hope you know that and I hope Clay doesn't think I'm in cahoots with Clay!" "Yeah, he does, I've already had to steer him away from that--see how I protect you?" "Thank you, sir, I will not forget your kindness towards one as unworthy as I am." Then she claims to us that she doesn't know who's side she's really on, except her own, yet she continues to do Brian's bidding.

Immunity Haiku

ever notice how
one who needs immunity
almost never wins

The Immunity challenge involved putting together a bunch of steps and clomping up a podium--it was pretty dull and Brian won rather easily and then he strolled up the stairs like the cocky jerk that he is and everyone else proceeded to kiss his ass because they all know he's the one calling the shots. Lame!

Back at camp, a bunch of really gross, bulbous ants swarm around the fire and Ted does Tai Chi as he muses, "Everyone's playing each other. Logically, I'm next to go because I've won immunity and the truck so people see me as a threat." He goes to Brian and says, "Brother to brother, just tell me, am I next to go?" "No," Brian lies, "Vote for Jan." "Sir, Yes SIR! And thanks for being straight with me." "No sweat, but remember, I can't control what the others do, so if you get voted out, hold it against them not me." "Check." Ted goes back to camp and gives Jan a pretty rock, "Aw, thanks, Ted, this'll make a lovely grave marker for Oliver."

Jan reveals, "I would only join Ted and Helen's alliance to get rid of Clay if I thought it was best for me. There's no real alliances here, we're all out for Brian and then ourselves." Brain goes over the ammunition he has in his arsenal to win the game, "I have total control because I know where everyone's head is at. I have grandma Jan who is completely disposable, I have my loyal soldier Helen who'll do my bidding--she's obedient enough to be my wife, but she doesn't have the bod. Then there's my good buddy Uncle Clay who'll do as I say because I'm the kind of guy he can only dream of being--he hates Helen and she hates him and I can sic them on each other whenever I want!" While checking off his teammates on his hand he gives America the bird and chuckles--well right back at ya, creep! Clay, who's been mercifully edited out during much of this episode, prattles, "We'reallusingeachothertuhgettuhthetopthat'sblahblahblah
herewegoagainthecircushascometotown!" Here *we* go again, I can't understand a word this guy says.

Tribal Council

The Sucks are obviously having a great time back at the hotel because they are the least bitter-looking jury in the history of the Survivor franchise. They just grin through the whole thing. Jake enters wearing a very odd sleeveless ensemble. Jeff asks Clay if he's worried about the fact that the Sucks are the majority of the jury and Clay says, "Ijesthope
I'moneofthetwothey'revotingonblahblahblahIgottadowhat'sbestforClay."
People who talk about themselves in the third person should be summarily executed. Helen responds, "Well, guess what, they have to vote for one of the Gums, so tough luck. I hope they choose the person that did all the cooking and fetched all the water." Jeff asks Brian if anyone's fate is sealed and Brian says, "No, it's not over until the fat lady sings--as I like to say." Everyone shares a smile, "Oh that Brian, he's so charming!" When Jeff asks if Jan feels more of a burden voting anyone out because she picked the team, she agrees, "We;'ve all grown together and fought to get this far and it's very hard to vote anyone out because we're all equally deserving." For a wonder, she does not cry. Big Ted goes down 4-1, he voted for Jan as Brian instructed him too. He joins dumb Dr. Sean, wise old Rodger, feisty T-Bird and chatty defensive Sean as the 5th place finisher.

It's been proven time and time again that for all my obsessing, I'm not always the best at predicting what's going to happen. I think it's very likely that Brian will win--everyone seems to feel indebted to him. I think he sees himself as a clear winner standing next to Clay (for obvious reasons) or Jan (because she'll be perceived as merely lucky). So he'll want to oust Helen. But here's where my hope lies: There are two immunity challenges left, and if we follow tradition, one will be the quiz about your fellow Survivors and the other will be the "stand on a pole as long as you can test of will" and I can see Helen winning both. And I don't think she'd be stupid enough to bring Brian--she knows he'll be hard to beat in the final two because these idiots (and she;s one of 'em) are all enamored with the scummy bastard. If Clay has the power, I think he'd bring along Jan. Jan will bring Clay. Helen will bring Jan. Who'll be ousted first out of the four? If Helen wins immunity, I think Jan's out, though I guess it's possible that Clay would go. A tie would be cool. Brian is safe regardless and Helen is in the most danger. Hope I'm wrong! Peace and enjoy tonight's Survivor and the hopefully-awkward reunion!

Christine :)