X-Files 9.19 "the Truth" Series Finale--mini-review!

Well, I thought it was both boring and lame. Mulder's on trial and it's just all this recap and clips--but not real long clips, as IF that doesn't make it a clip show! Skinner is defending Mulder and it's done in that way some writers think is clever: the opposing counsel asks how Skinner got the gig of defending Mulder and Skinner says, "That's a good question," in sort of a resigned "what am I doing here?" way, which is supposed to make up for the fact that it doesn't make even the slightest sense that Skinner would be acting as a lawyer--let alone with the TV-lawyer smarm and swagger he demonstrates throughout. But calling attention to it doesn't make up for how stupid it is, Chris Carter!

Then there's the "ghosts" of dead cast members (The lone gunmen, krycek, X) who keep talking to Mulder, and the damned "supuh sohjers" to quote Doggett, who are as tedious in their indestructibility as Jason of Friday the 13th fame by now and, oh yeah, the world is going to end in alien invasion in 2012, according to Cancerman (aren't you SHOCKED he's not dead? but don't worry, he SHOCKINGLY dies) and of course, the Mayan calendar confirms it.

The only interesting thing was the last two minutes, when Chris Carter decides to lead everyone to Christ. In ain't consistent, but it sure was different. But, c'mon, Scully wasn't even wearing the same cross from earlier episodes. Maybe it was prematurely auctioned to charity. Peace, Christine :D

Star Wars: The Gen X Woodstock...

So, "Star Wars: Attack of the Clones" opened today, and of course I went to see it at 10am. I had to see it with my peeps, the serious fans who would shriek with delight during the 20th Century Fox drumroll, cheer at the Lucasfilm logo, and then shut their traps for the next 2 hours.

Some might call them geeks. Some might call me a geek, and when it comes to "Star Wars," it would be a hard accusation for me to duck, what with my Lego Millennium Falcon so prominently displayed in my office (when I have one).

Five years ago, when George Lucas re-released his films in the theaters (with completely unnecessary "improvements") I had the pleasure of seeing the first two films, "Star Wars" and "The Empire Strikes Back," opening night at Mann's Chinese Theatre, and it was then that it struck me that for Generation X, MY generation, those born roughly between the early 60s and the late 70s, "Star Wars" is our Woodstock--the defining event of our cultural life. Seeing the film that night in Hollywood, as viewers shouted out reactions to the long-ago memorized dialogue as though it was "Rocky Horror," I wondered how many of us were drawn to work in Show biz, ultimately, because of these films. Lots, I'd reckon.

I first saw "Star Wars" when I was 6. I don't recall *wanting* to see it, or if I had even heard of it, I just remember my Dad (who was then 34) pointing to the ad in the newspaper and saying "That's what we're gonna see tomorrow!" We drove to the Concord BART station, took BART to Walnut Creek and walked to the theatre--which makes no logical sense, those familiar with San Francisco's East Bay realize, but my Dad knew how cool we thought it was to take "the train," so he made even getting to the film an EVENT:)

And so it was. It would not be an exaggeration to say it was an event that changed my life--the life of a 6-year-old being a very impressionable thing. It was all I cared about that summer, and what we all played on the playground--exclusively--that fall. For the next three years, almost every shiny quarter I got for my allowance went towards Star Wars Trading Cards, and every crisp dollar bill that fell from birthday and Christmas cards went towards buying Star Wars action figures. I remember how cool my sister Jen thought it was that her middle name, Leila, was *almost* Leia. I remember older kids would torment us by telling us how "they heard" that Luke Skywalker DIES in the next movie, which we had to wait three years to see! Three years is an unimaginable length of time, even for imaginative children.

By the time of the next film, "The Empire Strikes Back," I was a 9-year-old girl, and while still somewhat of a tomboy, my focus shifted strongly from thoughts of spaceships to those of romance. Nothing remotely as adult as a Britney-weaned 9-year-old might contemplate today, mind you, but by 1980, if you were a girl you had to make *a choice.* Han Solo or Luke Skywalker? I made my first public declaration of my allegiance with Han Solo in August of that year, at Melissa Dolby's slumber party, where we listened *exclusively* to Billy Joel's "Glass Houses" album. To a certain extent, I fear I'm still single today at 31 because I'm still waiting for some impossible combination of Han Solo and Lloyd Dobbler to walk into my life.

Anyway, I cared so much for the carbon-frozen Captain Solo, I used to literally lie awake in bed at night worrying about his fate. Was he dead? Was he still frozen? was he unfrozen but in some sort of jeopardy or pain? I still associate Olivia Newton John's "Magic" with these childhood anxieties, which abated in time as I became more consumed with pop music and "General Hospital."

"Return of the Jedi" came out when I was 12, and just finishing elementary school. I remember my friend Debbie Nonemaker was the envy of all because her parents actually took her to see it on opening day--Wednesday--a school day! I had to wait until Sunday. I loved the movie at the time, but today, regard it as a deeply misguided film that cheats EVERYONE--from fans to protagonists alike. The three main leads come together in the first film, are tragically separated in the second, and, in my opinion, should spend most of the third film together. Luke should become a hero more publicly, Solo shouldn't be played as a clown, and Leia's discovery that she is Darth Vader's daughter should mean...something to anybody, but it doesn't because it only exists in the film so that Lucas could have another "big" reveal: the reveal of Luke as Vader's son being so powerful in "Empire." (people literally screamed in horror in pre-internet-spoiler 1980).

Instead, as an employer of mine once put it, no matter WHAT happens in this trilogy of prequels, because of Lucas's cuddly Jedi, "It all ends with dancing bears." In 1983 I had no such qualms about the film or the Ewoks. My main fear was that, by the time the prequels came along in three years (because Lucas always waited three years, right?) I would be a sophisticated high-schooler. "Maybe I won't even care about "Star Wars" when I'm fifteen," I worried. Ha ha.

The first prequel opened 16 years later, in 1999. I was a 28-year-old woman, and naturally, I rushed out and saw it at 11am, opening day. While it was a welcome return to a universe that will always remain dear to me, it was not the movie I waited half my lifetime to see. I didn't get to see Luke Skywalker or Han Solo or Princess Leia as nine-year-olds, why on EARTH would I want to see an annoying, cloying, nine-year-old Anakin Skywalker?? The film was kinda dull, and overly complicated. Lucas took what was once a spiritual body of films, where Jedi's "sensed" one's strength in the Force, and changed it into a clinical, scientific world, complete with Obi-Wan Kenobi bent over a danged microscope to analyze the future-Darth Vader's blood. I loved the casting of the film (Natalie Portman and Ewan McGregor) and Darth Maul--and that's about it! And Lucas killed off Darth Maul so he wouldn't even be in the next film, great. I didn't hate Jar Jar to the extent that many others did, but did think him pointless.

Later in 1999, I watched a Christmas toy commercial where a young boy rushes gleefully out of his house wearing a Jake Lloyd backpack and shouting proudly, "I'm ANAKIN!" I wondered what the heck Lucas was doing to these kids. "Do they even know how it all ends?" I thought sadly. Do they realize that their little tyke hero is doomed to destroy himself and all around him by turning to the Dark Side? That he becomes the embodiment of evil, Darth Vader?

Lucas claimed then (and still does) that he makes movies for kids, not adults. Those of us in our late 20s, 30s and early 40s--those of us who made him a billionaire, who built his Marin County fortress with our precious childhood allowances and the hard-earned minimum wages of our first jobs--no longer enter into his planning. Far too critical are we, the overly sensitive auteur complains, clearly not appreciating that it was our unflagging interest in his vision that kept "Star Wars" alive in the late 80s and early 90s, when Fox was focusing on "Die Hard" and "Aliens" and "X-Files" and "Simpsons" and everything else BUT Star Wars, and clearly not realizing that our disappointment in his later work is actually his own fault--he created our high standards with his own near-perfect "Star Wars" and "The Empire Strikes Back."

So, today, I saw "Attack of the Clones." While still much more cluttered than need be, it is far-superior to his last two films. While not nearly as heartfelt, it has the same humor and sensibility of Star Wars, and borrows, to great effect, from some good recent films (Braveheart, Gladiator--even Memphis Belle, LOL). My only big complaint is that because Lucas is under the false belief that the early films are lacking due to the technology he had to use at the time, his later films are sometimes needlessly crammed with visuals that make it hard to realize what's going on. Which probably makes me sound old. I just know that in "Star Wars," only three or four tie-fighters came after the Falcon when they escaped the Death Star, but that scene is still awesome to me. "Attack of the Clones" has way more emotion and import than "Phantom Menace," but it also has a lot of those fake-looking obviously-computer-generated effects that we're supposed to believe look real because Lucas and all the Special Effects gurus and movie Directors keep telling us it's so. Give me a plastic model zooming across a cloth sky any day, matte lines and all.

While I'm sure the action scenes will make children run home and pretend they have lightsabers and speeders and spaceships the same way I did in 1977, I do wonder why on earth they'd care about Anakin and Amidala's forbidden attraction and Skywalker's growing impatience with his teacher, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Those not enamored of the Classic Star Wars films may leave this new movie saying, "Eh, it was alright, that one battle scene was pretty cool, but the dialogue was stiff and...who cares?" It's the true fans, the 20 and 30 and 40-something's Lucas claims he's not making movies for anymore who will thrill at the in-jokes and backstory and introduction of characters from the first three films. We're the ones who will defend the sometimes-corny dialogue by saying, "That's how they talk in that galaxy, OK?" He says it's for the kids, but it's not the kids that demanded more "Star Wars" movies--why would they, since Lucas continues to hide the original films from the next generation by making them almost impossible to find on video and non-existent on DVD? Kids have plenty of entertainment options--Lara Croft, Harry Potter, you name it. They've got new heroes to root for.

It's the grown-ups who clamored for Lucas to finally make good on the promise he made years ago when he chose to re-dub the first film "Episode IV," which confused me for YEARS. We're the ones who want to see Luke and Leia born and separated for their own protection, who want to see those "Clone Wars" that everyone kept mentioning in the first trilogy play out in the second (or is that first? You know what I mean) We're the ones who'll be camped out in lawn chairs for weeks in May of 2005 to finally see for ourselves the confrontation between Kenobi and Anakin that will leave young Skywalker, "more machine than man." I will be 34. The same age my father was when he took me to see the first film. If I have found my Han Solo by then, and we have a baby, I won't bring said child, as I think people who bring infants and toddlers into movies are worse than nerf-herding scum. But I will be there. 10am, opening day, along with the rest of my generation. Once that's out of the way, and there's no more need for us to cut out of work to see anymore "Star Wars" movies, maybe then the notorious slackers of Generation X will finally be ready take our rightful place beside the baby boomers, and rule the galaxy--or at the world :) Peace, Christine :)

Survivor 4 Week 11

The short summary of this week's episode is this: Everyone's miserable so CBS uses their loved ones to torture them. A couple people contemplate not voting out the General, but of course, they do it anyway. THE END.

Say, I don't really hate this year's "Survivor", I love it, but these last few weeks have been tiresome. Plus, I'm having a little bit o' backlash because everyone (Burnett, CBS, the media) keeps saying how this season has "revived" the franchise and how it's oh so much better than that crappy Africa season. WHAT!? First of all, I loved Survivor Africa, it was a great cast with a great outcome (it's completely laughable that anyone calls Ethan's win "predictable") and I don't see why Marquesas has to be propped up at Africa's expense. And as far as Survivor Africa being a ratings disappointment, I just say, ZUH!? It was, AT ITS WORST, a top ten show! At least 20 million people a week watched it! C'mon, CBS. I was one of what, like, fifty people who watched "Cover Up"?? And even fewer will actually admit it today! You and EYE both know what it feels like when no one watches one of your shows--remember "Square Pegs"? "Whiz Kids"? "Bring 'Em back Alive?" I DO!! (I wrote letters to save Square Pegs--but alas, I grew up in the early 80's, when no one cared what 11 year olds thought about anything and my pleas went unanswered) "Survivor"--in all it's incarnations, has been a goldmine to you, and it's the first CBS show I've set my VCR for since you cancelled "Northern Exposure," so none of this "Africa" bashing, got it? Good. >:(

Ahem. Say, that rant was more satisfying than my "Square Pegs" letter because someone is actually reading it. Hokay, on to the review:

Morning at Soliantu--storm clouds are coming in, but it symbolizes nothing, these are literal rain clouds. Life sucks at Bitter Beach, as Kathy (who really should have brought Lithium instead of her paints as a luxury item) wails, "This game is sooooooo hard! There's so much anxiety! And now everyone misses home and they keep talking about. I know in my heart that my son is safe...I mean, they'd HAVE to tell me if my son was dead....wouldn't they? WOULDN'T THEY!? Our mental stability is *very* fragile right, now, yes...Yes Kath, we're fragile but we're gonna pull through this. Really Kath? You promise? Stick with me Kath, Kath'll pull you through." *cameraman walks slowly and carefully away*

Everyone works together to repair the storm damage to their shelter. Sean almost falls out of a tree and the General helps him to safety. The fall: Believable. The "Oh I'm so woozy and weak form hunger I can no longer stand up" bit he did once he was on the ground: Sean majored in drama and psychology in college, 'nuff said.

Pretty much everyone veers into "Lex and Keith Melodramaland" in this episode, even the usually level-headed Paschal, "If you do the math, we've spent something like 900 hours solid with some of these people...that's more than we spend with our friends back in the world, who we see maybe a couple hours a week if we're lucky. Therefore, besides our families, these are the most intense relationships we've ever had!" Well, personally, I think my apparently inferior "non-gameshow" friendships are all the better for the fact that we are well-fed, not stinky, not living together in a bug-infested log shack and not trying to figure out how to ruin one another's chances at being a millionaire, but I'm young, and I freely admit I don't know everything (though I INSIST I know everything about Survivor!).

Kath inspects Sean's mouth for sores (I know those of you who missed this one are just *kicking* yourselves), turns out the taro seemed to cut everyone's mouth up something fierce--*cut to Richard Hatch putting razor blades in taro and then burying them* Pappy claims he'll miss his Survivor family when he's back in the world...yeah, okay, I guess I believe him regarding, like, Neleh and Kath and Sean and Gabe, but there's no way he could miss creepy Zoe and bitchy Tammy. The General says he won't allow himself to fall into depression by thinking about his family the way everyone else is, "I gotta concentrate on winning that million dollars!" Gee, by that, I hope he's thinking about his Lotto numbers, or what magazines he's gonna order from Publishers Clearing House, because it sure don't look good for him here.

Pappy and Kath get the mail. It's inside a little wood turtle box that will go for $800 on ebay. Kath claps with glee at the sight of it and says, "No matter how hard this game is, it's still a blast!" That's why you gotta love Kath. Like most of the manic-depressed, when she's not suicidal, she a heck of a lot of fun! The Reward Poem reads:

Your spirits have reached a new low
So to the reward beach you'll go
With loved ones we'll taunt you
And losing will haunt you
We're crazy sick bastards, you know!

So, they all meet Jeff at Reward Beach, and we proceed to witness the sickest, most cruel challenge in the all-time HISTORY of "Survivor." I could just picture Moonves and the other CBS execs sitting around a conference table with Mark Burnett, "Mark, we love the show--except Survivor Africa--but...the whole sappy part where they get to chat or watch a video of their family...it just kind of *sits* there. Is there anyway we can make that EDGY?" Burnett agrees, "Yes, I've wanted to add some sort of jeopardy to that element for some time, suspend the bloody loved ones over crocodiles or something but your bloody Business Affairs department always said no way!" "It doesn't need to be *dangerous,* necessarily," pipes up a junior exec, "Just so there's an unspeakable level of cruelty involved--like, they can see their loved ones, but aren't allowed to touch or talk to them if they lose." "Brilliant! That's the missing piece!"

And that's pretty much what happens. Jeff wonders if they'd like to phone a loved one, and then says, "PSYCH! No phone calls today, suckers!" And everyone looks crushed and then he says, I'll do you one better--and Neleh's mother comes out from behind a bush and walks across the beach, saying "Keep it up sweetie, We all love you and are so proud of you!" and it was totally bizarre, it was like in the beginning of a beauty pageant when the girls walk across and the announcer says "Miss...CALIFORNIA," and then she has to say her name and some fun fact about her state. Miss Hawaii has to say "Aloha" whether she wants to or not, etc. And Neleh has a complete breakdown--the fact that none of the Survivors had heart attacks or even at least peed their pants is pretty amazing. I mean, I came close to pulling a spit take myself and I wasn't even there. There must have been beefy PA's, or the Springer Tribal Council guards standing off camera to prevent anyone running for their person, I mean, we didn't see it must someone must have tried, right? Then we see Kath's son, Pat--who I'd guess was around 20? Anyone know for sure? Then the General's sister Diana arrives--no, she does not call herself, "the Baroness." Sean's buddy Darrell arrives and then Vecepia's man, the famous Leander is followed by Paschal's wife Beverly. So, everyone's sobbing but they can only stare at their people from across the giant gameboard. It's that game where they're on a giant board and they stand on yellow cards and they have to flip over cards to turn the board green, but they need to have yellow places to move on to. Last person with "real estate" wins. I believe that this was the only game Rudy won in the first season. the twist is, the family members have to play the game, while the Survivors can only give them "non-verbal" communication (just to make it more cruel, I think). There's an added note of meanness thrown in: there's a space that tells one player to eliminate another. Greeeeat. Pappy's wife Beverly is out first, and Jeff acts like he's Mr. Sensitive, "Hey, I wouldn't DREAM of letting Bev go without letting her and Pappy hug for, oh...let's say 10 seconds....Okay, that's good, break it up. Beverly--go back behind the magic bush! NOW!!" Sean's pal gets the "vote someone out" card and looks to Sean for help, but Sean doesn't dare so Darrell takes his hat off and it blows to Leander. Pretty fair. So, throughout the game we have this awkward pattern: Intense game playing music. Someone's out. They go to hug loved one. Smooshy music plays, everyone sobs. Back to intense game playing music. It's not Survivor's finest hour, by any stretch. Darrell's out. Neleh's Mom's out. Neleh, who's wearing the top she made out of her kite, takes off her matching kerchief and gives it to her. Sean gives her a big sincere-looking hug of comfort, which is interesting considering he will spend the entire second and third acts trash-talking her behind her back as though she was the Devil's daughter. Love that Sean! >:p The General's sister is out and Kath's son wins! She jumps into his arms yelling, "You did such good job!" But Pat's reward is the highly dubious honor of becoming a member of Soliantu until tomorrow morning.

On the hike home, Kath continues to gush about how Pat won, and he rolls his eyes, 'AH Mom." Vecepia laments to Sean that, in the "seven seconds in heaven" she got with Leander, she neglected to ask if her Oregon Ducks won the National Championship--this is a blessing in disguise because the answer, that the Ducks were completely screwed out of a chance at even competing for it, would *not* have raised her spirits. Pat gets a dose of the joys of camping, and learns how to crack open shells with a rock so that Kath can make her famous cooked slime porridge, which he thinks is gross. Kath says, "It's not so bad if you follow it with a bite of apple!" To which I say, why not just eat the freaking apple and skip the yucka troca altogether?! Pat confides, "I've never been an outdoor person. I'm your basic preppy New England kid. I like my TV and my couch." Amen, brother. He tells us, "The food is REALLY not good," yeah, no kidding, it's SLIME.

Now, I was on Pat's side up to this point, because Lord knows, if one of MY loved ones (probably my sister Jessica) were to get on Survivor, and I got to visit their crappy camp, I wouldn't eat the food, I'd freak out at first sight of a spider or centipede, and basically come off like the big suburban baby I am. But when he went Taro hunting with Kath and said, "I got my hands dirty, which I normally don't do. I'm usually a pretty boy. My friends are gonna think I've gone crazy!" I was done with the kid. Maybe your friends would think you're useful you big galoot. And the guy's built like a linebacker, you'd think he'd help his mom out in the garden one's in awhile, sheesh. Then he says, "They're gonna think my Mother's crazy," which is interesting, because it implies they don't already which seems...impossible to me, if they've spent any significant amount of time at the Vavrick-O'Briens. But if poor Pat thinks the craziest thing his mother does on the island is get jazzed over digging for roots, he's in for a rude awakening...when he sees her pee on John's hand--he won't be so fond of his television at THAT moment, I'm sure :D

Back at camp, everyone's happy they saw their loved ones and Preachy Pappy goes off on another Lexish "Survivor is the most intense life changing experience anyone can experience" jag, "At 57 years old, this game has forced me to look at myself for the very first time [!?!?!?] and I'm not proud of what I see. I take to much for granted and things are gonna change. America is such a rich country, and we focus too much on the wrong things: fancy cars, the clothes you wear, how many TV's you have, how much money you have, when it's the people in your life that really matter!" Indeed. It IS the people in your life that matter--and you really only need *one* TV for you all to all watch together ;) It's not like I don't agree with the basic sentiment, and I certainly think he's sincere, but the guy is still on a GAME SHOW to WIN A MILLION DOLLARS, so getting a lecture from him about our mixed-up materialistic values is a bit kooky to me. We're also pleased to learn that Vecepia, who once claimed she never threw out an overripe banana before, admits she HAS thrown out stale bread, but those days are over, she's not taking anything for granted. On a *very special* "Survivor."

At the waterfall, Kath asks for her son's advice on how she should play the game because, "I respect the way you play games." This would be insufferably ass-kissy if she said it to an equal, but I thought it was a sweet and affirming thing to say to her boy who's becoming a man. Kudos, Momma Kath. She tells him that the General's on his way out, and Pap and Neleh are like father and daughter. If she sides with Sean and V to break up Pappy and Neleh they'll get rid of her too. She speculates that she needs to keep the General as her bestest buddy and join V and Sean in ousting both Neleh and Pap, but she says, "I don't know how to do that without being..." and Pat finishes, "...a bitch??" And she agrees. She laments how seductive the game is and how you have to be so cunning. Pat says, "I don't like this side of you." "Me Neither," Kath agrees, her eyes bugging out to an alarming degree, really. Pat thinks Survivor is, "Messed up." Word.

The next morning, Pat tells us he slept terrible, which isn't surprising because Kath had them sleeping on bamboo logs out in the open, perhaps to protect her little boy from Sean's toxic winds. Kath cries at his departure, but he tells us he couldn't bear to spend another night in this hellhole. Everyone gives him a big hug goodbye. Was it significant that he asked Sean to, 'Take care of my Mom," and Sean responded, 'It ain't over."? Was this game talk? Everyone looks longingly after him as his boat speeds away and Vecepia says, "He was a nice taste...of the life we left behind." What is this, "Alas, Babylon"? Win or lose, they're going home in like, 8 days! Then Kath tells us, 'I don't wanna get depressed. Finish what you start, that's what I've always taught my son, and by God, that's what I'm gonna do...FINISH IT!" She said it with such demented zeal, I half-expected them to cut back to camp where we find Kath standing over the bloody bodies of her slain tribesmen.

No such luck. Kath and the General go out to get...taro, I guess, it's all anyone seems to do on this freaking island. I think I'm gonna start using that as an excuse any time I want some alone time, "Hey guys, I'm gonna go out and...dig for some taro." The General tries to be all casual-like, talking about how Sean and V are really annoyed at Neleh, "You know, just today, in fact, V told me that I definitely deserve to be here longer then Neleh," and Kath seems to be biting, "Do you think there's anyway to change Neleh and Pappy in the final two?" Then we cut to an oblivious Neleh, blithely jabbering on to Paschal about how happy her mom was to see her and how she's not giving up, no siree! Then we cut to Sean and V. Sean is doing his falsetto Neleh voice, mocking her relentlessly, 'Oh, I'm so happy to be here and were so lucky," and then he tells us, "V and I feel she's doing the girl-next-door thing to the next level," whatever the HELL that means. Sean is coherent about one in twelve times that he opens his mouth, "We feel that she's riding on Paschal's coat tails." Which, coming from a guy who's only still here a0 because he rode on CHACHI'S coat tails, is pretty stupid. Couple that with the fact that if Neleh hadn't impressed upon Paschal that they needed to vote with Sean and not against him, he'd be glaring from the jury box right now. The CBS inserts a grizzly shot of a wasp being devoured by ants, which is sort of a mixed visual metaphor, since Mormons aren't technically Protestants. Then we have Kath saying to the General, "No one, not even self-righteous Paschal, would be offended if we voted him out to safe ourselves...he DOES still remember this is a game...right?" But both are wary of any action that would involve voting pout Paschal over Neleh, and the General doesn't want Paschal to be outlasted by Sean either, but Kath reminds him of what the blonde-blinded Sean and Vecepia don't seem to be aware of, "Paschal is our strongest adversary." If Paschal is in the final two, HE WINS. Period. But V and Sean are still in their spiteful little world as V raves "sweet little Mormon girl ain't got nothing to do with "Survivor!" Why the heck not?? Neleh is just as worthy as being there as anyone else! She isn't a stooge like Amber or Lil' Kim, she's been an active participant in her own survival--as well as Sean and V's AND Kathy's! It's like those bitter ScRams after the Super Bowl, saying "The best team didn't win." Er...yes, they did. That's why you have to play the game--you have to win to be the best. "Survivor" is a game of survival. If you're still there, then you've survived--end of story. And anyway, I'm sure more on the side of that sweet Mormon girl then on the side of those petty, malicious, bitter Christians. It's funny that Neleh seems to be guilty, in the minds of her tribesmen, of doing nothing to deserve being there as well as "playing the game harder than anyone else." Which still doesn't sound like an insult to me. As they approach the waterfall, we hear Neleh shouting with joy, and Sean spits, "I hear her loud mouth already!" Has Sean opened his luxury item of late? In Ephesians 4:31-32 it says, "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with malice. And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." Word. OF GOD.

Kath tells us she just *has* to be a unit with General Rob in order to survive, which is just madness to me, she has so much more power than she realizes. Plus, I think it bothers her that everyone has a bestest friend in the game they can count on and hers was evil Zoe.

Immunity time. The competition is a sling shot game where they fire rocks at clay plates that break and release sand onto an idol on the ground. When someone's idol is covered, they're out, and everyone moves from station to station to ensure everyone gets equally assaulted. Pappy, Sean and the General are out first, leaving the women to celebrate an all-chick final, which I agree was pretty cool. Kath is out next, leaving V and Neleh to duke it out, and Vecepia wins. She celebrates by shrieking, "Thank you Jesus!" and pumping her fists--I thought she was gonna deck Neleh for a second. For the record, a lot of times when Christians thank God for achievement, it's not because they think Jesus rigged the Grammy voting or whatever, they're thanking Him for their talent and life etc. So, I'd like to believe that V is being "thankful in all circumstance," but I get such a "prosperity religion" vibe off of her that I doubt it. I think she might really believe (like that HORRIBLE Holly on Real World Road Rules Challenge) that Jesus gave her the immunity necklace to vanquish her enemies, as though He really cares. If V wins, He'll care how it affects her, but it's not like he needs her to be a millionaire in order for her to do His will on earth and if He did, he could give it too her a thousand different ways. Like Kurt Warner, I think Vecepia might learn more as a Christian by losing than by winning, which is absolutely none of my business, but I'm a sinner too so there, I said it. For the record, Rich was an atheist who openly mocked God and anyone in camp who believed in Him, and he won the million dollars. And I think Christians who think God actually rewards good behavior or faith or ANYTHING by giving them money are way off the mark. END SERMON ;)

Insert : A Human Skull. I hope that's not the guy that Kath, Neleh and Paschal found. I can just see some "Survivor" crew member taking it home and turning it into a lamp. Or selling it on ebay. The General tells us he knows that the jury consists of his fellow Smugglies, "I ain't trying to change my fate by begging or talking to anyone." Yeah, except for in the woods with Kath when you did exactly that, you ASS. We saw! Then he does his, "I came here with four things, pride, dignity, integrity and a backpack, and the only think that's tattered is the backpack," thing he already did in tribal council. For a crazy person, the General sure is dull. Every time he's talking to the camera it's to repeat something he's already said or restate something that's already said by someone else, or reiterate something we've just seen on camera with our own eyes. Urk, good riddance you boring, boring man! Kath tells us that her attitude has changed (along with her brain chemicals, I'm sure) since yesterday, "Rob has voted against us every time, and our heads were on the chopping block, so it's his turn tonight--but Paschal and Neleh still have to be severed, I swear that'll happen!" If I were Neleh, I'd hide the machete at night. I understand Kath's thinking, but they soooo easily could have kept Gina instead of her. Maybe gratitude has no place in Survivor, but ANYONE's dismissal next week besides Sean is not gonna be fair and is gonna piss me off.

TRIBAL COUNCIL. You know, Jeff didn't wear blue at *every single* tribal council, until I mentioned how well it worked for him. The jury comes in and an overly-made-up Tammy gives them her hardest look. Ooooh, they're shaking in their Reeboks, Tammikins. Jeff asks Kath about "the game," and Kath says she came in thinking she could summarize everyone's motives in no time but everyone had masks on--and most still do. When Jeff asks V if everyone's played all their cards yet, Vecepia responds, "No, there are some cards yet to be played. Some have started the game late, and could still be holding on to a trump card. You just have to expect the unexpected and go for what you know." Two things: One, can someone explain to me how you can expect the unexpected and go for what you know at the same time? And two...trump card...does someone have Sarah stashed on the island somewhere?!

Jeff asks the General his perceptions of V and if they've changed. The master strategist says, "Yeah, at first I thought she was this nice, quiet lady but now I see her for the deceptive player that she is." When Sean is asked if anyone in the game has really surprised him he says, "For sure, Neleh. She's playing the hell out of this game--and I don't mean that in a bad way. I only bad mouth her behind her back!" Then Jeff asks Pappy to sing her praises and he enthuses, "Neleh is only a child of 21, but she's got the calculating mind of a vicious adult, let me tell ya. She's as cunning and crafty as any of those snake-in-the-grass jurors!" Just like when he went on and on last week about how the cruise ship reward was the very very best thing that anyone could ever win ever, I feel he did more damage here than good. Then Neleh is asked to assess herself and she says, 'I think I fell through the cracks--no one saw me as a threat. But I knew I would go no higher than sixth if I didn't speak up!" It's a nice reminder of the pivotal role she played in the survival of EVERYONE who's left, but I fear it'll do no good. Of course V keeps immunity, especially as the marked-for-death General used his last words to call her sneaky. The General goes down in a hail of votes, casting his for Sean. Gotta hand it to the guy, he is consistent. Why, he tried to vote out black people until the very end. Kath was smart not to try and protect him, because now the Smugglies can't possibly have "one of their own" to vote for in the final two. In his exit, The General postures by saying "Knowledge is power and those that judged me--now I'm duh judge! the Day of Reckoning comes for all!" Well, no, it comes for...one. The other person gets a million dollars. And the loser gets, what, is it 50 or 100 grand? Day of Reckoning my CBS Eye, I'll take that kind of vengeance any day!

Next week, looks like we get some legit drama again, as the final five finally (say it five times fast!) have to start eating each other. CBS is hitting the "Neleh is toast" button so hard, I have to believe that's the most obvious result, though if Sean is stupid enough to attack Neleh in front of Pappy, Kath might be wise to vote him out instead. Immunity is the key, and man I'd love for Neleh to get it! Peace! :D Christine

Survivor 4.10

Ok, this is officially the WORST episode of Survivor EVER!!!!! Words cannot express how unbearably dull this was--so dull, the CBS editing magicians decided, "Hey, I know, let's make Neleh look like a villain!" This whole episode was nothing but chicanery!!! Tammy was voted off, DUH, and NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED AT ALL! This episode made me cranky. They really shouldn't do two Survivors practically back to back. I mean, I've gotta be one of the biggest most obsessed Survivor fans there is, and I'm getting so sick of this show! Grrrrr! >:o

Sigh. Morning at Soliantu. Blah Blah Blah, everyone's miserable! "We're cold!" "The ground is lumpy!" ""We're too tired to work!" WE KNOW!!!! We've watched Survivor before! Sean tells us "The whole "Love Tribe thing" is pretty much a fallacy [Yes, the oft-verbally, er, creative Sean actually said fallacy and he actually used it correctly]. I mean, in a game where you're trying to jockey for position, can you really be a love tribe? Will you call me after the game is over? Will I call you?" Two things: 1) Does Sean truly like ANYBODY besides himself? 2) I think the old Rotu Love tribe was pretty much just Gabe.

It's Vecepia's birthday, and they all have fruit to celebrate, and have her blow out a burning stick. It seems pretty genuine on everyone's part, and V seems pleased with it, but --GASP, oh no, I don't think Sean's satisfied! I swear they keep playing "#9 Dream," has Yoko been notified? everyone sits around obsessing about all the sweets they miss from home, except for a disapproving Kath, who goes off snorkeling in hopes of "whacking a shark." She tells us, "I think all this talk about sweets we can't have is counterproductive. It just makes everyone even lazier than they already are and it doesn't accomplish anything." I had high hopes that this heralded the return of Krazy Kath, but, no, that would have been fun and interesting so it didn't happen. Kath doesn't catch a shark, nor does she lecture her tribesmen.

Pappy tells us, "I know those Africa people are gonna say they had it worse, but don't you believe them! We are filthy, hot, hungry, windblown, bug-eaten, infected denizens of HELL!" You forgot to mention boring, Paschal. V and Sean go to get the mail. Sean says, "See if my check came in," AGAIN!! He sings "Happy Birthday," which means CBS Business Affairs has to cough up some money to that total soulless scumbag who bought the rights to it. Vecepia scores points when we learn she married a guy named "Leander." It's just a cool name. It's fine from a "I miss my man," stand point, but I haven't spent my ACTUAL birthday with my family in like, 10 or 11 years. Maybe in that span, I was home for one. It's not really a big deal, you know? Then Sean says, "We've been blessed beyond our means," which, if that's his way of saying he's stunned and lucky to still be there, I hella agree.

Reward limerick:

If you want a night on a ship
Then into the water you'll slip
If you are the strongest
and can last the longest
then you get a really cool trip

Everyone anticipates a kick-ass reward. Sean frets as he's not a very strong swimmer, so Kath tries to give him some helpful advice. The General says, "I really need to win something!" and Sean frowns, "Duh, Rob, look around at our sorry-ass tribe, we all need to win something!" So, the prize is an evening on a cruise ship, hot shower, great food--all on "Jeff's personal Visa card," which we know from Survivor Africa is total bunk. 1234 567 8910 INDEED! So, they all have to dive deep for some shells, and like musical chairs, they're one short. One person gets eliminated each time, and then the last four have to spring to shore carrying a 40 pound rock underwater. Vecepia quits outright, she just knows her limits I guess. Sean is next out, then Neleh. In the final sprint, Pappy, who is apparently some sort of superhero, actually kicks everyone's butts. He actually runs along the ocean floor at one point. It was pretty amazing. Sean, Neleh and V are thrilled that Pap wins. Later, while he's waiting for Jeff to pick him up, everyone tries to be happy for him, but you can tell people are pretty bitter. Kath seems genuine when she suggests he order Bananas Foster, because it's a French dish and they're in French Polynesia. I just love Kath, I really truly do. So, Jeff arrives in a speed boat, a tight black long-sleeved shirt flapping about his body, sigh. It's so great that even when we lose the cute contestants (ala Hunter, sniff sniff), we still get the beautiful Mr. Probst every week. Anyway, he tells Paschal that he can bring someone along and OF COURSE he picks his bestest buddy from day one, Neleh. No one is surprised by this at all, and Vecepia seems none the worse for wear, she cheers on Neleh as she runs out to the boat all excited. But SEAN has a problem with Pappy's selection, sniping to the camera, "Did Neleh REALLY deserve to go? I mean, it was V's birthday and she was feeling down. I would have taken V." Well no freaking duh, Sean. You would have taken V regardless of her birthday--she's you're best pal. The General would have taken Tammy, too, we know. Pappy taking V would be so ridiculous to everyone. He wanted to share the trip with his best friend in the tribe, and only the judgmental Sean can find fault with that. Anyway, if it's a case of deserving, Vecepia didn't even try to complete that challenge, which in my mind puts her dead last, birthday or no.

On the cruise ship, Neleh gushes about everything and says, "Oh my heck," like 20 times. It's great to be clean, steak rules, yippee, blah blah blah. Back at Bitter Beach, everyone eats cooked slime and imagines what the others are doing. They set themselves up for disappointment when they wonder if they'll smuggle back some food. On the ship, Neleh and pappy are both surprised to find they like escargot, and Pappy leaves a $200 dollar tip for "Jeff." I thought they got rooked though, because they don't get to spend the night. A Bitter Beach, the starvers are lamenting that there was probably wine and beer to be had, but Neleh and Pappy don't drink. In the dead of night, Paschal and neleh arrive, all clean and sated and with no stolen food. For some reason, The General's gushing about how *great* Neleh's hair smelled made me...*uncomfortable.* So, yes, Neleh goes on a bit too long, I guess, about how great the shower was and how great the dinner was--though I'm sure she was prompted by someone saying, "How was it!?" Neleh then, inexplicably, offers everyone a hard candy that she's been sucking on, which is pretty gross. Sean's right on that one. Everyone declines, natch.

Next morning, and Neleh's still sort of pleased with how clean she is, while everyone else is jealous and bitter. It's not like Neleh is my favorite or anything, but I'm certain you could make anyone the villain through editing at this point. I'm certain there are oceans of footage of every tribe member being complained about at this point, since everyone is--maybe you've heard?--tired, cold, homesick, bug-bitten, grimy etc. So, Sean complains that Neleh doesn't work very hard. Okay, Sean, sweetie, I'm sorry but you gave up your moral authority in regards to the work habits of others when you and Chachi were talking about needing all that "chill time," and how you had to "conserve your energy for challenges," waaaaaaaaaay back at Moronmoo! Or maybe she just doesn't think you're her daddy, Sean;)

Cut to: Pappy and Neleh making one another laugh by comparing today's slime stew to the flank steak they had on the boat--this would be insufferable and villainesque if it were done to taunt the other tribemembers, but the only other person is the camera. it's just too friends sharing a joke and making light of a bad situation, but CBS wants us to be "That Neleh is such a snot!" I just don't see it. And while Kath is cooking, and the General is chopping wood--because that's what he does, obsessively, it seems--everyone else is lying around. Sean claims Neleh does less work then everyone else, but I don't see anyone but Kath and the General really exerting themselves on a consistent basis. So then we get more ridiculousness from Sean, who claims, "Neleh is playing this game harder than anyone who's still here on the island!" Uh...and that's a bad thing? Because it IS a game, and she should be playing--in fact, if she didn't play the game so hard, you would've been juror number one instead of King Johnny Baby, so maybe you should just shut up? Then he goes on to say that he thinks Neleh's sweet girl next door "oh heck" attitude is all an act that people need to wise up to. I think he's just jealous because people like her better than they like him. Same goes for my girl Kath, who thinks that Neleh, while sweet and genuinely caring, "Is 60% a really sweet person, and 40% working it. She's hiding under Pappy's wings for his protection and she's trying a little too hard." I just don't buy that. I think Kath, who's never been separated from the Pappy/Sweet Pea coalition, is just annoyed that she doesn't have anyone who'll vote her way no matter what. But, they could have ousted you instead of Gina, Kath, so shut up! I'd like to speculate here that neither Sean nor Kath went to high school with lots and lots of Mormon girls, nor did either of them attend a Christian university. I did both, and I can tell you, there are lots of girls in the world who are just like Neleh. They don't swear, they don't drink, they keep a super positive attitude at all times and it's NOT FAKE. Annoying as all get out? Absolutely, but, leapin' lizards, it's not an act.

The General and Tammy build a pig snare. YAAAWWN

The mail comes:

To win this you must build a fire
and use it to then light a pyre
If your fire burns strong
you cannot go wrong
let's be clear, you'll be building a fire

And then everyone is like, "I think we'll be building a fire," "Yes, I agree, a fire." "Sounds like...maybe, we'll have to be the first person to build a fire?" Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!! The General then bitches about how this was supposed to be an off day (what, does Burnett post a schedule??) and "I was out building a snare, while everyone else has been lying around doin' nothing." I don't know--nor do I care--who has been working and who has not! Either have entertaining confrontations about it or stop whining about it to America because we are not remotely interested in who's cooking more of the freaking taro or who's carrying more water jugs! Honestly! Argh!

Using flint and steel, the Survivors must light some kindling they've collected to pop popcorn, then use that fire to light a tall pyre. The General wins! All I could think of was, I hope they got to eat the popcorn. Kath hangs out with the General and Tammy. The General tells us that Tammy is like a sister to him and he wishes he could protect her. Tammy tells us, "I'm not used to losing, I'm super competitive so don't count me out!" But you're also super boring, Tammikins.

Before the vote, Kath and Paschal wonder what Tammy might do to stick around. Kath speculates, "Well, Vecepia's been loyal to us for a week--that's about her limit, right?" Neleh frowns, "Yeah, she's changes sides like 20 times already--and there's only been 9 votes!," and it's clear none of them really trust the fickle V, which doesn't bode well for her.

Sean and V bitch about the "lazy" Neleh, who always manages to look busy while not accomplishing anything. Sean says, "If V and I hooked up with The General and Tammy, we'd be in the finals FOR SURE. Except for, maybe they'd just go to Pappy and Kath and Neleh and accuse us of being backstabbers." Sean thinks they need to get rid of Neleh, pronto. I think they're barking up the wrong tree. Well, if we're being honest, I don't think Vecepia wins in the final two against ANYONE. I think Zoe is the only person who might vote for her. But Paschal is the one who'll get the most positive votes in the end, not the sweet but very young and kinda inconsequential Neleh. Pappy's the one they SHOULD feel most threatened by.

This is, of course, all smoke. At Tribal Council, Neleh doesn't get a single vote against her, and Tammy says, as she cast her vote for Vecepia, that V's the one that doesn't "pull her weight around camp." Who the heck cares?

Jeff even betrays me by asking the gang, "What are you most tired of?" Sigh. Yes, you guessed it, they're tired and bored and cold and bug-bitten and filthy and Jeff, I am most tired of hearing them whine about it! The General doesn't give up immunity, duh, and Tammy goes down 5-2, though V is nervous when her name come up twice. Tammy becomes the first woman to leave at this stage of the game, preceded by cranky frank, invisible Nick and charming Gervase. Tammy is very much like Nick--both were good on paper, athletic, attractive...but so boring you are still stunned they made it this far. People they outlasted: Chachi, Johnny, Gina, Jerri, Kimmi Alicia etc. will stick in your memories far longer.

Next week, The General is most likely toast. If he wins immunity, then Vecpeia seems the most vulnerable. Kath may have to choose what twosome she wants to go in with :Sean and V or Pappy and Neleh? There really isn't anyone left who seems a shoe in to always win immunity, so it may be a crap shoot. The scenes show everyone crying and moved and the voice over promises us some sort of "event," which is probably not terrible news or injury but rather videos from home. Jeff dismisses everyone by saying, "No one ever said that Survivor was easy!" Yes, but they have said it was interesting--in fact, I'VE said it was interesting!! Don't make a liar out of me, Burnett! :) In her exit speech, Tammy speculates that not everyone has it in them to survive the last few days....like, what, Tammy, someone's REALLY gonna quit? Collapse? Die?? Puhleeze. Or should I say, "Please?!" Peace, Christine :D