Survivor 4 Week 11

The short summary of this week's episode is this: Everyone's miserable so CBS uses their loved ones to torture them. A couple people contemplate not voting out the General, but of course, they do it anyway. THE END.

Say, I don't really hate this year's "Survivor", I love it, but these last few weeks have been tiresome. Plus, I'm having a little bit o' backlash because everyone (Burnett, CBS, the media) keeps saying how this season has "revived" the franchise and how it's oh so much better than that crappy Africa season. WHAT!? First of all, I loved Survivor Africa, it was a great cast with a great outcome (it's completely laughable that anyone calls Ethan's win "predictable") and I don't see why Marquesas has to be propped up at Africa's expense. And as far as Survivor Africa being a ratings disappointment, I just say, ZUH!? It was, AT ITS WORST, a top ten show! At least 20 million people a week watched it! C'mon, CBS. I was one of what, like, fifty people who watched "Cover Up"?? And even fewer will actually admit it today! You and EYE both know what it feels like when no one watches one of your shows--remember "Square Pegs"? "Whiz Kids"? "Bring 'Em back Alive?" I DO!! (I wrote letters to save Square Pegs--but alas, I grew up in the early 80's, when no one cared what 11 year olds thought about anything and my pleas went unanswered) "Survivor"--in all it's incarnations, has been a goldmine to you, and it's the first CBS show I've set my VCR for since you cancelled "Northern Exposure," so none of this "Africa" bashing, got it? Good. >:(

Ahem. Say, that rant was more satisfying than my "Square Pegs" letter because someone is actually reading it. Hokay, on to the review:

Morning at Soliantu--storm clouds are coming in, but it symbolizes nothing, these are literal rain clouds. Life sucks at Bitter Beach, as Kathy (who really should have brought Lithium instead of her paints as a luxury item) wails, "This game is sooooooo hard! There's so much anxiety! And now everyone misses home and they keep talking about. I know in my heart that my son is safe...I mean, they'd HAVE to tell me if my son was dead....wouldn't they? WOULDN'T THEY!? Our mental stability is *very* fragile right, now, yes...Yes Kath, we're fragile but we're gonna pull through this. Really Kath? You promise? Stick with me Kath, Kath'll pull you through." *cameraman walks slowly and carefully away*

Everyone works together to repair the storm damage to their shelter. Sean almost falls out of a tree and the General helps him to safety. The fall: Believable. The "Oh I'm so woozy and weak form hunger I can no longer stand up" bit he did once he was on the ground: Sean majored in drama and psychology in college, 'nuff said.

Pretty much everyone veers into "Lex and Keith Melodramaland" in this episode, even the usually level-headed Paschal, "If you do the math, we've spent something like 900 hours solid with some of these people...that's more than we spend with our friends back in the world, who we see maybe a couple hours a week if we're lucky. Therefore, besides our families, these are the most intense relationships we've ever had!" Well, personally, I think my apparently inferior "non-gameshow" friendships are all the better for the fact that we are well-fed, not stinky, not living together in a bug-infested log shack and not trying to figure out how to ruin one another's chances at being a millionaire, but I'm young, and I freely admit I don't know everything (though I INSIST I know everything about Survivor!).

Kath inspects Sean's mouth for sores (I know those of you who missed this one are just *kicking* yourselves), turns out the taro seemed to cut everyone's mouth up something fierce--*cut to Richard Hatch putting razor blades in taro and then burying them* Pappy claims he'll miss his Survivor family when he's back in the world...yeah, okay, I guess I believe him regarding, like, Neleh and Kath and Sean and Gabe, but there's no way he could miss creepy Zoe and bitchy Tammy. The General says he won't allow himself to fall into depression by thinking about his family the way everyone else is, "I gotta concentrate on winning that million dollars!" Gee, by that, I hope he's thinking about his Lotto numbers, or what magazines he's gonna order from Publishers Clearing House, because it sure don't look good for him here.

Pappy and Kath get the mail. It's inside a little wood turtle box that will go for $800 on ebay. Kath claps with glee at the sight of it and says, "No matter how hard this game is, it's still a blast!" That's why you gotta love Kath. Like most of the manic-depressed, when she's not suicidal, she a heck of a lot of fun! The Reward Poem reads:

Your spirits have reached a new low
So to the reward beach you'll go
With loved ones we'll taunt you
And losing will haunt you
We're crazy sick bastards, you know!

So, they all meet Jeff at Reward Beach, and we proceed to witness the sickest, most cruel challenge in the all-time HISTORY of "Survivor." I could just picture Moonves and the other CBS execs sitting around a conference table with Mark Burnett, "Mark, we love the show--except Survivor Africa--but...the whole sappy part where they get to chat or watch a video of their family...it just kind of *sits* there. Is there anyway we can make that EDGY?" Burnett agrees, "Yes, I've wanted to add some sort of jeopardy to that element for some time, suspend the bloody loved ones over crocodiles or something but your bloody Business Affairs department always said no way!" "It doesn't need to be *dangerous,* necessarily," pipes up a junior exec, "Just so there's an unspeakable level of cruelty involved--like, they can see their loved ones, but aren't allowed to touch or talk to them if they lose." "Brilliant! That's the missing piece!"

And that's pretty much what happens. Jeff wonders if they'd like to phone a loved one, and then says, "PSYCH! No phone calls today, suckers!" And everyone looks crushed and then he says, I'll do you one better--and Neleh's mother comes out from behind a bush and walks across the beach, saying "Keep it up sweetie, We all love you and are so proud of you!" and it was totally bizarre, it was like in the beginning of a beauty pageant when the girls walk across and the announcer says "Miss...CALIFORNIA," and then she has to say her name and some fun fact about her state. Miss Hawaii has to say "Aloha" whether she wants to or not, etc. And Neleh has a complete breakdown--the fact that none of the Survivors had heart attacks or even at least peed their pants is pretty amazing. I mean, I came close to pulling a spit take myself and I wasn't even there. There must have been beefy PA's, or the Springer Tribal Council guards standing off camera to prevent anyone running for their person, I mean, we didn't see it must someone must have tried, right? Then we see Kath's son, Pat--who I'd guess was around 20? Anyone know for sure? Then the General's sister Diana arrives--no, she does not call herself, "the Baroness." Sean's buddy Darrell arrives and then Vecepia's man, the famous Leander is followed by Paschal's wife Beverly. So, everyone's sobbing but they can only stare at their people from across the giant gameboard. It's that game where they're on a giant board and they stand on yellow cards and they have to flip over cards to turn the board green, but they need to have yellow places to move on to. Last person with "real estate" wins. I believe that this was the only game Rudy won in the first season. the twist is, the family members have to play the game, while the Survivors can only give them "non-verbal" communication (just to make it more cruel, I think). There's an added note of meanness thrown in: there's a space that tells one player to eliminate another. Greeeeat. Pappy's wife Beverly is out first, and Jeff acts like he's Mr. Sensitive, "Hey, I wouldn't DREAM of letting Bev go without letting her and Pappy hug for, oh...let's say 10 seconds....Okay, that's good, break it up. Beverly--go back behind the magic bush! NOW!!" Sean's pal gets the "vote someone out" card and looks to Sean for help, but Sean doesn't dare so Darrell takes his hat off and it blows to Leander. Pretty fair. So, throughout the game we have this awkward pattern: Intense game playing music. Someone's out. They go to hug loved one. Smooshy music plays, everyone sobs. Back to intense game playing music. It's not Survivor's finest hour, by any stretch. Darrell's out. Neleh's Mom's out. Neleh, who's wearing the top she made out of her kite, takes off her matching kerchief and gives it to her. Sean gives her a big sincere-looking hug of comfort, which is interesting considering he will spend the entire second and third acts trash-talking her behind her back as though she was the Devil's daughter. Love that Sean! >:p The General's sister is out and Kath's son wins! She jumps into his arms yelling, "You did such good job!" But Pat's reward is the highly dubious honor of becoming a member of Soliantu until tomorrow morning.

On the hike home, Kath continues to gush about how Pat won, and he rolls his eyes, 'AH Mom." Vecepia laments to Sean that, in the "seven seconds in heaven" she got with Leander, she neglected to ask if her Oregon Ducks won the National Championship--this is a blessing in disguise because the answer, that the Ducks were completely screwed out of a chance at even competing for it, would *not* have raised her spirits. Pat gets a dose of the joys of camping, and learns how to crack open shells with a rock so that Kath can make her famous cooked slime porridge, which he thinks is gross. Kath says, "It's not so bad if you follow it with a bite of apple!" To which I say, why not just eat the freaking apple and skip the yucka troca altogether?! Pat confides, "I've never been an outdoor person. I'm your basic preppy New England kid. I like my TV and my couch." Amen, brother. He tells us, "The food is REALLY not good," yeah, no kidding, it's SLIME.

Now, I was on Pat's side up to this point, because Lord knows, if one of MY loved ones (probably my sister Jessica) were to get on Survivor, and I got to visit their crappy camp, I wouldn't eat the food, I'd freak out at first sight of a spider or centipede, and basically come off like the big suburban baby I am. But when he went Taro hunting with Kath and said, "I got my hands dirty, which I normally don't do. I'm usually a pretty boy. My friends are gonna think I've gone crazy!" I was done with the kid. Maybe your friends would think you're useful you big galoot. And the guy's built like a linebacker, you'd think he'd help his mom out in the garden one's in awhile, sheesh. Then he says, "They're gonna think my Mother's crazy," which is interesting, because it implies they don't already which seems...impossible to me, if they've spent any significant amount of time at the Vavrick-O'Briens. But if poor Pat thinks the craziest thing his mother does on the island is get jazzed over digging for roots, he's in for a rude awakening...when he sees her pee on John's hand--he won't be so fond of his television at THAT moment, I'm sure :D

Back at camp, everyone's happy they saw their loved ones and Preachy Pappy goes off on another Lexish "Survivor is the most intense life changing experience anyone can experience" jag, "At 57 years old, this game has forced me to look at myself for the very first time [!?!?!?] and I'm not proud of what I see. I take to much for granted and things are gonna change. America is such a rich country, and we focus too much on the wrong things: fancy cars, the clothes you wear, how many TV's you have, how much money you have, when it's the people in your life that really matter!" Indeed. It IS the people in your life that matter--and you really only need *one* TV for you all to all watch together ;) It's not like I don't agree with the basic sentiment, and I certainly think he's sincere, but the guy is still on a GAME SHOW to WIN A MILLION DOLLARS, so getting a lecture from him about our mixed-up materialistic values is a bit kooky to me. We're also pleased to learn that Vecepia, who once claimed she never threw out an overripe banana before, admits she HAS thrown out stale bread, but those days are over, she's not taking anything for granted. On a *very special* "Survivor."

At the waterfall, Kath asks for her son's advice on how she should play the game because, "I respect the way you play games." This would be insufferably ass-kissy if she said it to an equal, but I thought it was a sweet and affirming thing to say to her boy who's becoming a man. Kudos, Momma Kath. She tells him that the General's on his way out, and Pap and Neleh are like father and daughter. If she sides with Sean and V to break up Pappy and Neleh they'll get rid of her too. She speculates that she needs to keep the General as her bestest buddy and join V and Sean in ousting both Neleh and Pap, but she says, "I don't know how to do that without being..." and Pat finishes, "...a bitch??" And she agrees. She laments how seductive the game is and how you have to be so cunning. Pat says, "I don't like this side of you." "Me Neither," Kath agrees, her eyes bugging out to an alarming degree, really. Pat thinks Survivor is, "Messed up." Word.

The next morning, Pat tells us he slept terrible, which isn't surprising because Kath had them sleeping on bamboo logs out in the open, perhaps to protect her little boy from Sean's toxic winds. Kath cries at his departure, but he tells us he couldn't bear to spend another night in this hellhole. Everyone gives him a big hug goodbye. Was it significant that he asked Sean to, 'Take care of my Mom," and Sean responded, 'It ain't over."? Was this game talk? Everyone looks longingly after him as his boat speeds away and Vecepia says, "He was a nice taste...of the life we left behind." What is this, "Alas, Babylon"? Win or lose, they're going home in like, 8 days! Then Kath tells us, 'I don't wanna get depressed. Finish what you start, that's what I've always taught my son, and by God, that's what I'm gonna do...FINISH IT!" She said it with such demented zeal, I half-expected them to cut back to camp where we find Kath standing over the bloody bodies of her slain tribesmen.

No such luck. Kath and the General go out to get...taro, I guess, it's all anyone seems to do on this freaking island. I think I'm gonna start using that as an excuse any time I want some alone time, "Hey guys, I'm gonna go out and...dig for some taro." The General tries to be all casual-like, talking about how Sean and V are really annoyed at Neleh, "You know, just today, in fact, V told me that I definitely deserve to be here longer then Neleh," and Kath seems to be biting, "Do you think there's anyway to change Neleh and Pappy in the final two?" Then we cut to an oblivious Neleh, blithely jabbering on to Paschal about how happy her mom was to see her and how she's not giving up, no siree! Then we cut to Sean and V. Sean is doing his falsetto Neleh voice, mocking her relentlessly, 'Oh, I'm so happy to be here and were so lucky," and then he tells us, "V and I feel she's doing the girl-next-door thing to the next level," whatever the HELL that means. Sean is coherent about one in twelve times that he opens his mouth, "We feel that she's riding on Paschal's coat tails." Which, coming from a guy who's only still here a0 because he rode on CHACHI'S coat tails, is pretty stupid. Couple that with the fact that if Neleh hadn't impressed upon Paschal that they needed to vote with Sean and not against him, he'd be glaring from the jury box right now. The CBS inserts a grizzly shot of a wasp being devoured by ants, which is sort of a mixed visual metaphor, since Mormons aren't technically Protestants. Then we have Kath saying to the General, "No one, not even self-righteous Paschal, would be offended if we voted him out to safe ourselves...he DOES still remember this is a game...right?" But both are wary of any action that would involve voting pout Paschal over Neleh, and the General doesn't want Paschal to be outlasted by Sean either, but Kath reminds him of what the blonde-blinded Sean and Vecepia don't seem to be aware of, "Paschal is our strongest adversary." If Paschal is in the final two, HE WINS. Period. But V and Sean are still in their spiteful little world as V raves "sweet little Mormon girl ain't got nothing to do with "Survivor!" Why the heck not?? Neleh is just as worthy as being there as anyone else! She isn't a stooge like Amber or Lil' Kim, she's been an active participant in her own survival--as well as Sean and V's AND Kathy's! It's like those bitter ScRams after the Super Bowl, saying "The best team didn't win." Er...yes, they did. That's why you have to play the game--you have to win to be the best. "Survivor" is a game of survival. If you're still there, then you've survived--end of story. And anyway, I'm sure more on the side of that sweet Mormon girl then on the side of those petty, malicious, bitter Christians. It's funny that Neleh seems to be guilty, in the minds of her tribesmen, of doing nothing to deserve being there as well as "playing the game harder than anyone else." Which still doesn't sound like an insult to me. As they approach the waterfall, we hear Neleh shouting with joy, and Sean spits, "I hear her loud mouth already!" Has Sean opened his luxury item of late? In Ephesians 4:31-32 it says, "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with malice. And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." Word. OF GOD.

Kath tells us she just *has* to be a unit with General Rob in order to survive, which is just madness to me, she has so much more power than she realizes. Plus, I think it bothers her that everyone has a bestest friend in the game they can count on and hers was evil Zoe.

Immunity time. The competition is a sling shot game where they fire rocks at clay plates that break and release sand onto an idol on the ground. When someone's idol is covered, they're out, and everyone moves from station to station to ensure everyone gets equally assaulted. Pappy, Sean and the General are out first, leaving the women to celebrate an all-chick final, which I agree was pretty cool. Kath is out next, leaving V and Neleh to duke it out, and Vecepia wins. She celebrates by shrieking, "Thank you Jesus!" and pumping her fists--I thought she was gonna deck Neleh for a second. For the record, a lot of times when Christians thank God for achievement, it's not because they think Jesus rigged the Grammy voting or whatever, they're thanking Him for their talent and life etc. So, I'd like to believe that V is being "thankful in all circumstance," but I get such a "prosperity religion" vibe off of her that I doubt it. I think she might really believe (like that HORRIBLE Holly on Real World Road Rules Challenge) that Jesus gave her the immunity necklace to vanquish her enemies, as though He really cares. If V wins, He'll care how it affects her, but it's not like he needs her to be a millionaire in order for her to do His will on earth and if He did, he could give it too her a thousand different ways. Like Kurt Warner, I think Vecepia might learn more as a Christian by losing than by winning, which is absolutely none of my business, but I'm a sinner too so there, I said it. For the record, Rich was an atheist who openly mocked God and anyone in camp who believed in Him, and he won the million dollars. And I think Christians who think God actually rewards good behavior or faith or ANYTHING by giving them money are way off the mark. END SERMON ;)

Insert : A Human Skull. I hope that's not the guy that Kath, Neleh and Paschal found. I can just see some "Survivor" crew member taking it home and turning it into a lamp. Or selling it on ebay. The General tells us he knows that the jury consists of his fellow Smugglies, "I ain't trying to change my fate by begging or talking to anyone." Yeah, except for in the woods with Kath when you did exactly that, you ASS. We saw! Then he does his, "I came here with four things, pride, dignity, integrity and a backpack, and the only think that's tattered is the backpack," thing he already did in tribal council. For a crazy person, the General sure is dull. Every time he's talking to the camera it's to repeat something he's already said or restate something that's already said by someone else, or reiterate something we've just seen on camera with our own eyes. Urk, good riddance you boring, boring man! Kath tells us that her attitude has changed (along with her brain chemicals, I'm sure) since yesterday, "Rob has voted against us every time, and our heads were on the chopping block, so it's his turn tonight--but Paschal and Neleh still have to be severed, I swear that'll happen!" If I were Neleh, I'd hide the machete at night. I understand Kath's thinking, but they soooo easily could have kept Gina instead of her. Maybe gratitude has no place in Survivor, but ANYONE's dismissal next week besides Sean is not gonna be fair and is gonna piss me off.

TRIBAL COUNCIL. You know, Jeff didn't wear blue at *every single* tribal council, until I mentioned how well it worked for him. The jury comes in and an overly-made-up Tammy gives them her hardest look. Ooooh, they're shaking in their Reeboks, Tammikins. Jeff asks Kath about "the game," and Kath says she came in thinking she could summarize everyone's motives in no time but everyone had masks on--and most still do. When Jeff asks V if everyone's played all their cards yet, Vecepia responds, "No, there are some cards yet to be played. Some have started the game late, and could still be holding on to a trump card. You just have to expect the unexpected and go for what you know." Two things: One, can someone explain to me how you can expect the unexpected and go for what you know at the same time? And two...trump card...does someone have Sarah stashed on the island somewhere?!

Jeff asks the General his perceptions of V and if they've changed. The master strategist says, "Yeah, at first I thought she was this nice, quiet lady but now I see her for the deceptive player that she is." When Sean is asked if anyone in the game has really surprised him he says, "For sure, Neleh. She's playing the hell out of this game--and I don't mean that in a bad way. I only bad mouth her behind her back!" Then Jeff asks Pappy to sing her praises and he enthuses, "Neleh is only a child of 21, but she's got the calculating mind of a vicious adult, let me tell ya. She's as cunning and crafty as any of those snake-in-the-grass jurors!" Just like when he went on and on last week about how the cruise ship reward was the very very best thing that anyone could ever win ever, I feel he did more damage here than good. Then Neleh is asked to assess herself and she says, 'I think I fell through the cracks--no one saw me as a threat. But I knew I would go no higher than sixth if I didn't speak up!" It's a nice reminder of the pivotal role she played in the survival of EVERYONE who's left, but I fear it'll do no good. Of course V keeps immunity, especially as the marked-for-death General used his last words to call her sneaky. The General goes down in a hail of votes, casting his for Sean. Gotta hand it to the guy, he is consistent. Why, he tried to vote out black people until the very end. Kath was smart not to try and protect him, because now the Smugglies can't possibly have "one of their own" to vote for in the final two. In his exit, The General postures by saying "Knowledge is power and those that judged me--now I'm duh judge! the Day of Reckoning comes for all!" Well, no, it comes for...one. The other person gets a million dollars. And the loser gets, what, is it 50 or 100 grand? Day of Reckoning my CBS Eye, I'll take that kind of vengeance any day!

Next week, looks like we get some legit drama again, as the final five finally (say it five times fast!) have to start eating each other. CBS is hitting the "Neleh is toast" button so hard, I have to believe that's the most obvious result, though if Sean is stupid enough to attack Neleh in front of Pappy, Kath might be wise to vote him out instead. Immunity is the key, and man I'd love for Neleh to get it! Peace! :D Christine