Survivor 4.10

Ok, this is officially the WORST episode of Survivor EVER!!!!! Words cannot express how unbearably dull this was--so dull, the CBS editing magicians decided, "Hey, I know, let's make Neleh look like a villain!" This whole episode was nothing but chicanery!!! Tammy was voted off, DUH, and NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED AT ALL! This episode made me cranky. They really shouldn't do two Survivors practically back to back. I mean, I've gotta be one of the biggest most obsessed Survivor fans there is, and I'm getting so sick of this show! Grrrrr! >:o

Sigh. Morning at Soliantu. Blah Blah Blah, everyone's miserable! "We're cold!" "The ground is lumpy!" ""We're too tired to work!" WE KNOW!!!! We've watched Survivor before! Sean tells us "The whole "Love Tribe thing" is pretty much a fallacy [Yes, the oft-verbally, er, creative Sean actually said fallacy and he actually used it correctly]. I mean, in a game where you're trying to jockey for position, can you really be a love tribe? Will you call me after the game is over? Will I call you?" Two things: 1) Does Sean truly like ANYBODY besides himself? 2) I think the old Rotu Love tribe was pretty much just Gabe.

It's Vecepia's birthday, and they all have fruit to celebrate, and have her blow out a burning stick. It seems pretty genuine on everyone's part, and V seems pleased with it, but --GASP, oh no, I don't think Sean's satisfied! I swear they keep playing "#9 Dream," has Yoko been notified? everyone sits around obsessing about all the sweets they miss from home, except for a disapproving Kath, who goes off snorkeling in hopes of "whacking a shark." She tells us, "I think all this talk about sweets we can't have is counterproductive. It just makes everyone even lazier than they already are and it doesn't accomplish anything." I had high hopes that this heralded the return of Krazy Kath, but, no, that would have been fun and interesting so it didn't happen. Kath doesn't catch a shark, nor does she lecture her tribesmen.

Pappy tells us, "I know those Africa people are gonna say they had it worse, but don't you believe them! We are filthy, hot, hungry, windblown, bug-eaten, infected denizens of HELL!" You forgot to mention boring, Paschal. V and Sean go to get the mail. Sean says, "See if my check came in," AGAIN!! He sings "Happy Birthday," which means CBS Business Affairs has to cough up some money to that total soulless scumbag who bought the rights to it. Vecepia scores points when we learn she married a guy named "Leander." It's just a cool name. It's fine from a "I miss my man," stand point, but I haven't spent my ACTUAL birthday with my family in like, 10 or 11 years. Maybe in that span, I was home for one. It's not really a big deal, you know? Then Sean says, "We've been blessed beyond our means," which, if that's his way of saying he's stunned and lucky to still be there, I hella agree.

Reward limerick:

If you want a night on a ship
Then into the water you'll slip
If you are the strongest
and can last the longest
then you get a really cool trip

Everyone anticipates a kick-ass reward. Sean frets as he's not a very strong swimmer, so Kath tries to give him some helpful advice. The General says, "I really need to win something!" and Sean frowns, "Duh, Rob, look around at our sorry-ass tribe, we all need to win something!" So, the prize is an evening on a cruise ship, hot shower, great food--all on "Jeff's personal Visa card," which we know from Survivor Africa is total bunk. 1234 567 8910 INDEED! So, they all have to dive deep for some shells, and like musical chairs, they're one short. One person gets eliminated each time, and then the last four have to spring to shore carrying a 40 pound rock underwater. Vecepia quits outright, she just knows her limits I guess. Sean is next out, then Neleh. In the final sprint, Pappy, who is apparently some sort of superhero, actually kicks everyone's butts. He actually runs along the ocean floor at one point. It was pretty amazing. Sean, Neleh and V are thrilled that Pap wins. Later, while he's waiting for Jeff to pick him up, everyone tries to be happy for him, but you can tell people are pretty bitter. Kath seems genuine when she suggests he order Bananas Foster, because it's a French dish and they're in French Polynesia. I just love Kath, I really truly do. So, Jeff arrives in a speed boat, a tight black long-sleeved shirt flapping about his body, sigh. It's so great that even when we lose the cute contestants (ala Hunter, sniff sniff), we still get the beautiful Mr. Probst every week. Anyway, he tells Paschal that he can bring someone along and OF COURSE he picks his bestest buddy from day one, Neleh. No one is surprised by this at all, and Vecepia seems none the worse for wear, she cheers on Neleh as she runs out to the boat all excited. But SEAN has a problem with Pappy's selection, sniping to the camera, "Did Neleh REALLY deserve to go? I mean, it was V's birthday and she was feeling down. I would have taken V." Well no freaking duh, Sean. You would have taken V regardless of her birthday--she's you're best pal. The General would have taken Tammy, too, we know. Pappy taking V would be so ridiculous to everyone. He wanted to share the trip with his best friend in the tribe, and only the judgmental Sean can find fault with that. Anyway, if it's a case of deserving, Vecepia didn't even try to complete that challenge, which in my mind puts her dead last, birthday or no.

On the cruise ship, Neleh gushes about everything and says, "Oh my heck," like 20 times. It's great to be clean, steak rules, yippee, blah blah blah. Back at Bitter Beach, everyone eats cooked slime and imagines what the others are doing. They set themselves up for disappointment when they wonder if they'll smuggle back some food. On the ship, Neleh and pappy are both surprised to find they like escargot, and Pappy leaves a $200 dollar tip for "Jeff." I thought they got rooked though, because they don't get to spend the night. A Bitter Beach, the starvers are lamenting that there was probably wine and beer to be had, but Neleh and Pappy don't drink. In the dead of night, Paschal and neleh arrive, all clean and sated and with no stolen food. For some reason, The General's gushing about how *great* Neleh's hair smelled made me...*uncomfortable.* So, yes, Neleh goes on a bit too long, I guess, about how great the shower was and how great the dinner was--though I'm sure she was prompted by someone saying, "How was it!?" Neleh then, inexplicably, offers everyone a hard candy that she's been sucking on, which is pretty gross. Sean's right on that one. Everyone declines, natch.

Next morning, and Neleh's still sort of pleased with how clean she is, while everyone else is jealous and bitter. It's not like Neleh is my favorite or anything, but I'm certain you could make anyone the villain through editing at this point. I'm certain there are oceans of footage of every tribe member being complained about at this point, since everyone is--maybe you've heard?--tired, cold, homesick, bug-bitten, grimy etc. So, Sean complains that Neleh doesn't work very hard. Okay, Sean, sweetie, I'm sorry but you gave up your moral authority in regards to the work habits of others when you and Chachi were talking about needing all that "chill time," and how you had to "conserve your energy for challenges," waaaaaaaaaay back at Moronmoo! Or maybe she just doesn't think you're her daddy, Sean;)

Cut to: Pappy and Neleh making one another laugh by comparing today's slime stew to the flank steak they had on the boat--this would be insufferable and villainesque if it were done to taunt the other tribemembers, but the only other person is the camera. it's just too friends sharing a joke and making light of a bad situation, but CBS wants us to be "That Neleh is such a snot!" I just don't see it. And while Kath is cooking, and the General is chopping wood--because that's what he does, obsessively, it seems--everyone else is lying around. Sean claims Neleh does less work then everyone else, but I don't see anyone but Kath and the General really exerting themselves on a consistent basis. So then we get more ridiculousness from Sean, who claims, "Neleh is playing this game harder than anyone who's still here on the island!" Uh...and that's a bad thing? Because it IS a game, and she should be playing--in fact, if she didn't play the game so hard, you would've been juror number one instead of King Johnny Baby, so maybe you should just shut up? Then he goes on to say that he thinks Neleh's sweet girl next door "oh heck" attitude is all an act that people need to wise up to. I think he's just jealous because people like her better than they like him. Same goes for my girl Kath, who thinks that Neleh, while sweet and genuinely caring, "Is 60% a really sweet person, and 40% working it. She's hiding under Pappy's wings for his protection and she's trying a little too hard." I just don't buy that. I think Kath, who's never been separated from the Pappy/Sweet Pea coalition, is just annoyed that she doesn't have anyone who'll vote her way no matter what. But, they could have ousted you instead of Gina, Kath, so shut up! I'd like to speculate here that neither Sean nor Kath went to high school with lots and lots of Mormon girls, nor did either of them attend a Christian university. I did both, and I can tell you, there are lots of girls in the world who are just like Neleh. They don't swear, they don't drink, they keep a super positive attitude at all times and it's NOT FAKE. Annoying as all get out? Absolutely, but, leapin' lizards, it's not an act.

The General and Tammy build a pig snare. YAAAWWN

The mail comes:

To win this you must build a fire
and use it to then light a pyre
If your fire burns strong
you cannot go wrong
let's be clear, you'll be building a fire

And then everyone is like, "I think we'll be building a fire," "Yes, I agree, a fire." "Sounds like...maybe, we'll have to be the first person to build a fire?" Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!! The General then bitches about how this was supposed to be an off day (what, does Burnett post a schedule??) and "I was out building a snare, while everyone else has been lying around doin' nothing." I don't know--nor do I care--who has been working and who has not! Either have entertaining confrontations about it or stop whining about it to America because we are not remotely interested in who's cooking more of the freaking taro or who's carrying more water jugs! Honestly! Argh!

Using flint and steel, the Survivors must light some kindling they've collected to pop popcorn, then use that fire to light a tall pyre. The General wins! All I could think of was, I hope they got to eat the popcorn. Kath hangs out with the General and Tammy. The General tells us that Tammy is like a sister to him and he wishes he could protect her. Tammy tells us, "I'm not used to losing, I'm super competitive so don't count me out!" But you're also super boring, Tammikins.

Before the vote, Kath and Paschal wonder what Tammy might do to stick around. Kath speculates, "Well, Vecepia's been loyal to us for a week--that's about her limit, right?" Neleh frowns, "Yeah, she's changes sides like 20 times already--and there's only been 9 votes!," and it's clear none of them really trust the fickle V, which doesn't bode well for her.

Sean and V bitch about the "lazy" Neleh, who always manages to look busy while not accomplishing anything. Sean says, "If V and I hooked up with The General and Tammy, we'd be in the finals FOR SURE. Except for, maybe they'd just go to Pappy and Kath and Neleh and accuse us of being backstabbers." Sean thinks they need to get rid of Neleh, pronto. I think they're barking up the wrong tree. Well, if we're being honest, I don't think Vecepia wins in the final two against ANYONE. I think Zoe is the only person who might vote for her. But Paschal is the one who'll get the most positive votes in the end, not the sweet but very young and kinda inconsequential Neleh. Pappy's the one they SHOULD feel most threatened by.

This is, of course, all smoke. At Tribal Council, Neleh doesn't get a single vote against her, and Tammy says, as she cast her vote for Vecepia, that V's the one that doesn't "pull her weight around camp." Who the heck cares?

Jeff even betrays me by asking the gang, "What are you most tired of?" Sigh. Yes, you guessed it, they're tired and bored and cold and bug-bitten and filthy and Jeff, I am most tired of hearing them whine about it! The General doesn't give up immunity, duh, and Tammy goes down 5-2, though V is nervous when her name come up twice. Tammy becomes the first woman to leave at this stage of the game, preceded by cranky frank, invisible Nick and charming Gervase. Tammy is very much like Nick--both were good on paper, athletic, attractive...but so boring you are still stunned they made it this far. People they outlasted: Chachi, Johnny, Gina, Jerri, Kimmi Alicia etc. will stick in your memories far longer.

Next week, The General is most likely toast. If he wins immunity, then Vecpeia seems the most vulnerable. Kath may have to choose what twosome she wants to go in with :Sean and V or Pappy and Neleh? There really isn't anyone left who seems a shoe in to always win immunity, so it may be a crap shoot. The scenes show everyone crying and moved and the voice over promises us some sort of "event," which is probably not terrible news or injury but rather videos from home. Jeff dismisses everyone by saying, "No one ever said that Survivor was easy!" Yes, but they have said it was interesting--in fact, I'VE said it was interesting!! Don't make a liar out of me, Burnett! :) In her exit speech, Tammy speculates that not everyone has it in them to survive the last few days....like, what, Tammy, someone's REALLY gonna quit? Collapse? Die?? Puhleeze. Or should I say, "Please?!" Peace, Christine :D