Survivor Africa Week 3

This review was almost late because I had to stay up late making
necklaces--it's a "Generation X" thing for all you OLD people, I don't
expect you to understand, OK? Not that we're not friends, we TOTALLY ARE.
Just not "necklace friends."

Lions, oh my. Episode three opens with lions snarling and circling around
Boron's camp. Kinda puts my fear of opossums in perspective. Kelly yells
at them to go away before she has to call campus safety, than bangs on some
pots. That may work at TKE parties, Kel, but this is Africa! One of the
Survivor's (Lex) realizes that "this is REAL!" Everyone take one drink.
Tom claims that his mind told him to stay, but his feet told him to go.
Since he didn't run, I'd say it was actually more the other way around--I
mean, how often do you think Tom's mind wins an argument with any other
part of his body? And what did his buttcrack have to say, I wonder?

Back at Samburu, the four Boomers wake up early to fetch water. The kids
are like, so tired from doing nothing? That they don't EVEN want to get
up. Lil' Kim explains, "The old people like, do stuff? Like work? And
we're all still sleeping and whatever so we're like...whatever, you know?"
Lindsey, "They do all the work, so we can save our strength for making
necklaces--all part of our fiendishly clever plan!"

Brandon, sporting a ridiculous turban that would get him beat up in a gay
bar, tells Teresa he'll make breakfast in her place, then proceeds to
overfeed the lazybeans, arguing, "Think of all the ancient ones have put us
through, lo
these long seven days! They do all the work, get all the water, make the
fence
and TOTALLY rub our faces in it! Now they have the gall to go off and get
more water and TALK ABOUT US!! BEHIND OUR BACKS! They are horrible,
hard-working people!"

It occurs to me that a lot of potential employers watch "Survivor."

Out at the watering hole, Teresa tries to give Silas the benefit of the
doubt, but Carl tells "T-bird" that Silas has--shockingly--decided NOT to
be their stooge. He wants to be a big fish in the little gene pool. The
four boomers are discouraged, but Linda, angling for a regular gig on Oprah
when this is over, warns them that they mustn't return to camp with "broken
spirits", or there'll be a scolding from Mother Africa. "I've been here
before several times, and it means more to me than to the rest of you! And
I'm black! Listen to my wisdom!" Linda hella bugs.

They return to camp and find that Brandon has "accidentally" (tee-hee)
burned their breakfast! Yet another Machivellian bartender on our hands,
kids! The mind reels at the cunning!

Back at Boron, the tribe checks out the pawprints left by the
lions--they're mighty big! Lex, apparently due to all those surfing
safaris he's been on, is elected wildlife expert, and tells everyone what
to do when they encounter an
lion--don't "walk, don't run" just...stand around until they leave? Maybe
he's a scoutmaster in Santa Cruz, I don't know. All they have out there is
raccoons, as far as I know...Maybe they just want to listen to Lex--because
Lex IS SO FREAKING COOL! The
tribe works as a unit to fix the fence. They aren't divided by age, the
gender war has subsided, everyone does their share (while keeping one eye
on the beancans and the other on CB).

Back at Samburu, the girls are fixing Lindsey's bitchin' necklace--how is
it this ISN'T a luxury item, when other people's necklaces, good-luck
charms etc.--ARE? Anyway, Lindsey's bestest friends back in Oregon made it
for her and each bead stands for someone special in her life! Kinda
reminds me of the vest I made when I was a campfire girl.

And yes, Lindsay, I WAS in the fifth grade. Crap, I'm on FRANK'S
side...NOOOOooooooooo!

You know who's side I'm not on? Yours, Doc Carl. Talkin' bout my
generation. I don't think any race, creed, culture, orientation or
generation deserves to be judged solely on those members of said group that
choose to go a reality television show...you baby-boomer sell-out. What
were you doing in your twenties? I'd wager a disco and some gold chains
were involved...

Lindsay likes that the necklaces show that they are four tribesmen sharing
one brain. Brandon thinks they are like, totally "in your face!" C'mon
Brandon, unless there's some piercing involved, jewelry is rarely "ballsy."
Silas (I
just have this really strong "Of Mice and Men" vibe off the guy, anyone
else?) wants the old people to know he's TOTALLY with the young people,
"Kim and Lindsay are hot! I'll bet they TOTALLY put out at the Nairobi
Hilton when all this over, if I play my cards right! h'yuk." Kim
concludes, "We're gonna show the "working" people, (like whatever), that
our
childishness and our sloth is going to carry the day. These necklaces
represent power--the power of twentysomething!"

United We Stand Annoying.

Later, Silas--master-manipulator that he is, "tricks" Carl into revealing
that he's got money. Silas laments that all he wants is $20,000 so that he
can buy a "vehicle." Carl senses a trap, and when the kiddies try to get
him to reveal what sort of car he drives, he vows never to tell them!
EVER! The girl's needle him, c'mon, tell us! The girls, incidentally,
are
doing push-ups--the necklace gang only exerts themselves when it can't
benefit other people--no fetching or working allowed! Carl hold firm,
"I'm not telling you."

But then, he...senses..."Are they implying that there's something WRONG
with owning a Mercedes Benz??" And his yuppie imperative to defend the
conspicuous ownership of really nice things must be answered!

"Yeah, I own a Bennie. And a Porche! My wife bought that one, though, as
a birthday present. She's rich too--nothing wrong with that! What, I'm
supposed to feel guilty about having money?!"

Well, No, Carl but you really should feel guilty about being out-thunk by
Smiley Silas.

Carl tells the camera, "This Generation X has got no work ethic...and they
almost never floss." Makes me all anxious to go to work this morning and
pay into that social security pool that Carl and his boomer peeps are gonna
suck dry before I see dime one. Carl is also "glad to be 46 and not part
of all that." Always interesting when an older generation complains about
the next one as if they had nothing to do with how it turned out.
Actually, Carl's two kids are "generation Y," so maybe usefulness skips a
generation? Go back to Florida and doublebill some insurance companies,
Carl, I don't want to hear anymore from you!

Brandon is angered by Carl, "He's always talking about how he has money,
and like, a career? Like he's a better person than me because he makes
some sort of contribution to society? Whatever! Survivor should only be
won by a total loser who can't be expected to make a living without
television exposure, OK? I don't even know why they let people with jobs
go
on the show."

Mail call. The poem-writers didn't even try, it was like:

"Push a boulder as a team
through some flags--it'll be a scream
finish first, duh duh duh....sun beam
Uh...then you'll win a water stream!"

The challenge involves pushing a giant Hollywood prop boulder through some
flags. For water. Surprisingly, Lil Kim and brandon volunteer to sit out
the challenge to even up the teams. Silas has so much fun throwing the big
ball-y around that he forgets about the flags. There's a lot of yelling
and falling. Boron sticks together as a team and WINS SOMETHING!! Yay!
Brandon and Kim shrug as they watch Boron celebrate, "It's not like WE have
to fetch water anyway, that's the old people's scene, OK?" Kim and Brandon
grimace at Tom, but I couldn't tell if it was due to his barf or his
buttcrack.

Poor Jessie, the good-tasting water came a day late for her :(

At Samburu, Jerri makes a surprise cameo in the form of a destructive
whirlwind, and knocks over a rice pot. Lil kim and Lindsey go to the
mailbox and bring back news ( in that "I never stop talking" croak of
Lindsey's)
of the immunity challenge--a distress signal that will be judged from the
air. They did this in Survivor One for reward--the box o'target crap went
to evil Tagi. Kim seems impressed with the "totally unique challenge."
"We'll be building an SOS signal? And we're going to be competing. And
get this? We're gonna be competing against the other tribe! Dude, I
know, how awesome is that?"

Frank tries to suggest using bright and modern objects to draw attention,
and Silas responds, "Um...yeah, whatever." Frank is indifferent and goes
about dragging branches in keeping with Silas's plan (seriously rethink
your life decisions if you ever find yourself in the position of following
"Silas's plan"). Lindsay snickers, "It's would be sooo sweet for one of
the older players to be weak or lazy for even a second. It hasn't happened
yet, but when it does, whoa nelly, the Necklace Bunch is sooo all all over
it!"

At Boron, Good Old Kim dyes fishing nets bright colors using the paints she
brought as luxury items. The tribe strips down to their skivvies and dance
around to draw attention. Kinda like that Janet Jackson video? Only with
ugly people.

Tom sticks a feather, or a sock or SOMETHING that shouldn't be there, in
his now-legendary buttcrack and wiggles around. The man spends waaaay to
much time with goats, agreed?

Lindsey goes all Crouching Tiger on some branches and winds up hurting
herself. Lil Kim is stunned to find her crying and lying on the ground,
"That is soooo totally unlike Lindsey. Unless she's sleeping in, or making
necklaces, or proving a point, or shirking her responsibilities, or getting
a suntan, Lindsay NEVER lies down." Lindsay cries that she might have
broken a bone, but when Linda comes by, she barks at her to go away and
leave her alone! Linda gloats to the camera, "Mother Africa opened up a
can
of whoop-ass on that ungrateful child!" Lindsey starts throwing up,
"Bleh....shut up, Blehh...Frank..." as frank advises the gang to wave and
make themselves known to the plane--he's so bossy! Oh yeah, and RIGHT.
Samburu loses.

United we Stand America--begging Farmer Tom "In the name of all that is
good and holy, pull up your damn pants!!"

Boron wins hands down--er, actually hands and butts a-waving! Linda tells
Samburu that their quarreling has disquieted the peaceful spirits of
Mother Africa, and THAT is why they didn't win. That and your sucky
distress signal, right?

Tribal council day. Lindsey assures us that she was, like, dehydrated?
Which can totally happen to ANYONE, even a badass like her. But now
she's ok. Frank scoffs that 'barbie went down in Africa." Uh, G.I. Joe
ain't doing much better...

Jeff interrogates the factions, the older people make some swipes about the
lack of "communication (read: work ethic) while those sneaky kids giggle
about their necklaces but assure Jeff that everyone is sooooo totally
friends! Why bother? they are very confused. The alliances that have
worked have not made themselves known this early, but at this point, what
does anyone gain by lying to Jeff? Do they think he hasn't watched all the
dailies? Linda isn't hearing any of it, "Where's my necklace!?" she shouts
with a sense of boomer entitlement. "You DON'T get one, Linda, it is a
badge of honor, okay? Why don't you ask Mother Africa to get you one for
Christmas," Lindsey crows.

Silas, pleased with his "strategery" tells Jeff "I read on a cocktail
napkin at the bar I work at once, that if you don't bend, you'll break.
Which must have something to do with this situation since I memorized it
and everything." *Smile* Silas is so pleased with himself for getting one
over on the old folks, and they lose points for creating a situation where
he feels that way.

Silas honestly unnerves me. That boy ain't quite right. He bears a
striking resemblance to Gilbert Blythe from the PBS adaptation of "Anne of
Green Gables," but there's not a chance in hell that he'll will be
challenging Anne Shirley for the Avery scholarship at Queens college
anytime soon. the only scholarship I see in his future involves "drawing
Winky."

The vote is a tie, the elder vote for Lindsey, the kids for Carl. Jeff
asks them to plead their cases. Carl says, "I work. I am a dentist and a
man of honor." Lindsey counters, "Okay, maybe I don't "work very hard," or
whatever? I can't "cook" or "make fire" or "treat people well" or "shut
up"? But Carl, by his own admission, has a career. You'll note my bio
says I'm a "former" advertising account executive? Vote for me, I need the
money!

Another deadlock. Jeff reveals that immunity will be won through a quiz
about survival base on a pamphlet that *obviously* neither Lindsey or Carl
bothered to read, and in this war of attrition, Lindsey sucks slightly less
than Carl and the kids win. AY Carumba, its reverse-Darwinism at work!
Jeff tells Carl, "the tribe has spoken." Because it sounds better than
saying, "The quiz has spoken" or "You have spoken. Incorrectly. Therefore
you have to go." Kinda like on "Weakest Link" when she says "You are the
weakest link, goodbye," Instead of "You are not the weakest link, you're
actually the strongest....but the others voted you out because you're good
and this show is maddeningly unfair, GOODbye."

I'm glad to see Carl go, honestly. I predict a lot of losing in Samburu's
future. The kids are stupid enough to long for tribal council to get rid
of the annoying adults who want to work instead of play dress-up. At
merger, I have to believe the kids will be crushed. Because even of Born
loses the next three challenges, the young turkeys are still only four.
Teresa, Linda and Frank will not shield them from Boron--they'll probably
reveal Lindsey as the most vulnerable (and hopefully they'll load her up
with votes.)

Lindsey is very Jerri to me. Not quite as evil, but she's a mean and
clueless bully. Kim is her Amber, Brandon her Mitch and Silas is Colby,
although not as cute, interesting or smart. One doesn't see him switching
for the good of the tribe--but what on earth is the point of carrying
Brandon and Kim?? I guess when you're Silas, you take the rare opportunity
to actually be better than someone when it comes along.

So, I'm pulling for Boron all the way now, as teresa's the only one on
Samburu who I don't hate...oddly, Frank is moving towards tolerable for me
to...must be the contrast. My only concern is that this is the first
tribal council in which Tom hasn't been able to teach CB a lesson--what if
Clarence doesn't remember that Tom has forgivin--but NOT FORGOTTEN!

Next week, I'd bet Samburu loses again. I just can't imagine them working
in concert with one another on anything and again, I think the kids might
deliberately lose to vote out...They keep saying Frank but I think they'll
dump the less useful and more obnoxious (and more openly hostile) Linda
first. I'm sticking with CB as Boron's next victim, like a lottery number
you have to keep betting on 'cuz you'll feel so stupid if it comes up the
week you didn't play.

Next week--don't underestimate Lindsey--she's a topless biker, OKAY?
Whatever!

Carl gets in YET ANOTHER DIG at GEN X on his way out, as he worries about
the future of America. Oh, tell us about the seventies, oh wise one!

Peace, Christine :)

Survivor Africa Week 2 <:0

Yawn. The voting doesn't usually heat up until week four or five,
remember. Right now, it's about eliminating the weakest links (no, NBC
legal, I am NOT infringing on a copy right!).

So, I was totally wrong about Frank going, seems he has a little alliance
going. Just ask him, or never mind, just go wander within...TEN MILES of
him, and you can hear him bellowing about his SECRET.

But, I'm getting ahead of myself here.

Last week, I can't believe I missed out on pointing out on a milestone: in
the first vote, Diane spelled Clarence, "Clanence." Our first misspelled
name! Sigh, I love it. Future milestones to look for : "It just...isn't
fun anymore." and "It's your time to go."

First season had more mysterious and random voting, which was fun--a person
getting only two or three votes was ejected. Now, there's all this pesky
agreement within the tribes.

The episode starts with Boran (worst tribe name ever) and Clarence
referring to tribal council as 45 minutes of hell--hey that's 5 minutes of
great television for America, CB, suck it up! Clarence informs us there's
nothing worse than hearing Jeff say your name...I think it'd be
delightful;)

We get a rare "that very same night" conversation after the vote, instead
of the morning after talks, as Jessie and Clarence talk about the vote.
Clarence continues to distance himself from beancangate, "People need to
know if their tribesman is a crook...well I'm not a crook!" Jessie ain't
trying to hear that, nor will she feel sorry for him over Diane's
"betrayal." YOU ATE THE EVERLOVING BEANS CLARENCE!!! Just me a man and
say you're sorry like a freakin' adult! Jessie wonders what he's learned
and CB maintains that he's "too nice."

I hate Clarence Black.

Back at Samburu, Frank tells everyone what to do. His Executive Officer,
Carl, keeps detailed performance reviews, and it turns out, the kids ain't
all right. The tribe is split down the middle--Gen X vs. the Baby Boomers
(silas, at 21, may technically be Gen Y, depending on your interpretation,
the cutoff is 81 I think, but I've read 77). Both groups are actually
quite arrogant and insufferable, but, if you're going to be arrogant, maybe
it should be about working. If I were in Africa and Frank and Carl were
barking orders at me, I'd tell them to back off, but I would do what they
said because, and this may sound silly Brandon and Young Kim, but I'd want
to appear "useful."

Does Brandon serve any earthly purpose at all? Shouldn't he be
condescending to customers at a gap somewhere?

Despite the age-divide, Samburu wins the reward challenge quite easily, and
makes off with some food, blankets, lanterns etc. The challenge was cool
and inventive--and physically grueling. Old Kim (sorry, it's old Kim and
young Kim, that's the best I can do) falls flat on her face.

She apologizes to Boron for losing the challenge, but it seemed to me half
the tribe was lollygagging on that last leg. Still, Kim offers no excuses
and vows that it will never happen again. She owns her mistake and the
tribe tells her not to worry about it, they like and are proud to serve
with her.

Clarence looks on, uncomprehending.

Jessie is all dried out but won't drink the nasty tasting water. Everyone
tries to help her but she won't listen. Okay Jessie, I'm fussy too, which
is why I'll probably never go to Africa. You signed up for this, drink the
FREAKING WATER.

"Sure the water is nasty," Clarence offers, "but out here, you have to
think of the rest of the team and what you're doing to them when you're
weak. Is there anything more noble than opening a can of beans for a sick
tribesman, and then eating most of it yourself? I don't think so. It's
like on a plane, they tell you to put on YOUR mask first, then help the
others. That what CB's all about--helping others."

Back at Samburu, the old people alliance (it's all relative, boomers,
relax) seems strong. Teresa tells us, "I like the kids, but they must be
destroyed, lazy whining little---hello Lindsay!" Actually, I like Teresa,
and she's wisely befriended Lindsay and the other young turks. If the
youth vote wins out, she has the best chance of hanging in with them.

The old alliance might be hardworking, but the memo to Silas about their
alliance, cc: Lindsay, Kim and Brandon? Bad idea. Clarence tells
everyone, "Water run, only three people need to go. Me, Frank and...SILAS!
Yes SILAS you are the one who is going to go off with Frank and I to GET
WATER. C'mon SILAS let's go!" The others can tell something's afoot--why
not insist on going with them? Now would be a perfect time for Lindsay to
say, "I'm going too, I haven't done my share lately." instead, she stews
back at camp with the lazy kids.

Frank and Carl tell Silas that Frank, Carl, Teresa and Linda are a powerful
four person alliance, and it would be such an honor, so wise of Silas, to
help them vote of the other kids. While I agree that Brandon and Kim are
the weakest members, I would love to see Silas somehow betray them ( he
actually has no power unless one of the Four turns on the others), just
because they are so danged smug about how powerful they are. And Silas is
an idiot if he thinks being the fifth (Silas IS a perfect Sean, actually)
is any great honor, but he tells them, "Sure I'll be your tool, to use
against my friends only to be discarded in the end."

At Boron, the line seems to be drawn not along age but gender lines, as the
big strong men bring water and the girls watch. Lex tells Ethan, "Me and
Tom found this secret fort? And we have this secret club...and like, I'm
the president and Tom is the vice-president and you can be the treasurer if
you wanna, you wanna? Huh? Please, please please?"

But Ethan has one major flaw--he has no children to swear by, therefore,
his word is no good.

Back at Samburu, Lindsay is furious--in the words of Frida, she knows
there's something going on. Kinda hard not to when Frank tells Silas, "
YOU GOTTA VOTE ALL THOSE USELESS KIDS OUT OF HERE, STARTING WITH KIM AND
BRANDON. YOU ARE OUR SECRET WEAPON, A SPY IN THE ENEMY CAMP!"

I'm glad Frank's not in the military anymore, I'd hate to see him in
Afghanistan "NOW, MEN, OSAMA BUN LADEN IS HIDING IN ONE OF THESE CAVES. WE
DON'T WANT HIM TO KNOW WE ARE HERE!"

Lindsay gets all upset, "They're forming an alliance that's stronger than
mine! Isn't their some sort of rule against this sort of thing?" She
cries to Teresa, who says "I cannot tell a lie, there's an alliance."

You'd expect maturity to lead to some sort of craftiness, but the Boomers
are too drunk with power to be sly--they WANT the kids to know of their
plan, to punish them for being so young and pretty--I mean, so lazy;) It
just might backfire. Teresa reminds me of Tina, and I could see her
banding with Silas and Lindsay to get rid of, say, Frank at some point, the
way she Colby and Keith banded together to eliminate Mitch.

I think one of the things I like about Survivor is that, as much as Silas
irritates me (it hurts to watch him try and think, don't it?), a show like
Survivor gives him power--over people a lot smarter than he is, at least in
the traditional sense. It's still early in the game kids, and anything can
happen. Why soon, we may even start to like some of these people!

Immunity challenge time, and it's the gross food challenge. Man, did they
out do themselves this time. Jeff introduces the TV tribes to some real
African tribesman, one of whom he refers to as his friend...CHARLES. Fess
up, who saw THAT coming? The men demonstrate how they trap a cow, prick
its neck, drain a little blood to drink and then let the cow go with a
bandage on its neck.

Jeff mixes the blood with a little milk--Hey, Kool-Aid!? The tribe is
paired off, and everyone's up for the challenge. Lex goes twice as Boron
is one person down. In the tie-breaker, each tribe chooses a member form
the other tribe to chug down a larger glass of blood (not chased with milk
this time) and Linda and Kelly throw down. Linda drinks the blood faster
than Kelly, Boron must go to tribal council AGAIN.

Boron needs to pull it together and win some freakin immunity to keep
things interesting? Not so fast. Worst case, if Boron loses all four
remaining immunities, and only two merge with Samburu--wouldn't those two
be adopted into the weak GEN X tribe? It's Survivor, kids, lots of
variables and permeantations, don't fret!

Boron is disappointed in so-called sorority girl Kelly, who couldn't
chug-a-lug when it really mattered. Clarence seems to think that running
her down to Tom makes him look good...OK. Actually, it just tells Tom that
CB still needs to be learned wut's wut.

Tom tells the boys he wants Clarence around for his strength. Ethan hates
Clarence, and hates the idea of losing one of the girl's to keep his sorry
ass--but strong back, around.

At tribal council, Jeff once again gives Clarence a chance to be a man and
Clarence ducks it, "I did NOT have gastronomical relations with that
beancan!" Which doesn't sit well with Ethan, but he still votes out
Jessie. Jessie is voted out 5-2 Jessie and Tom vote for Clarence.
Clarence is screwed in a tie-break, at this rate. Some people believe that
Tom writes CB because he can't spell Clarence either, but ol' Tom is just
sending Clarence a message. Tom is still forgiving--but not forgetting!

Tom's "I'm a father figure" statement is interesting, especially in light
of the scenes for next week which involve him dancing around and showing
more buttcrack. The kind of father-figure you don't talk about and don't
invite to the wedding.

So, proving that the show isn't rigged by the network, Survivor loses it's
hot Latina sheriff--proving that law enforcement officers don't do so well
(Deb...Mad Dog?). Jessie is voted off in the BB and Kel spot I had
reserved for Frank of CB, but she's really more of a Ramona or a Mitch,
cast-off because they can't hack the brutal conditions of SURVIVOR!

Next week, let's hope Boron wins immunity. If they don't, Clarence HAS to
go. The girl's won't vote for one another, and Ethan won't vote to save
Clarence one more time. A tie eliminates CB because of existing votes. At
Samburu, I'd expect to see Young Kim go, or maybe Brandon? Tune in next
week! Christine:)

Survivor Africa Week 1

For the record, I do not feel the need to call it Survivor 3 or
Survivor Africa, as though any of us are confused that we are no longer in the
Outback. Do they call it "ER 8" or "Ed 2"?? We aren't stupid.
Also, I didn't really start reviewing the show last season til like,
week 4, so I had the advantage of knowing everyone pretty well. We're gonna
ease into this, kids.

Dug the Africanized Survivor theme, and I was happy to see Jeff:) I
love him so. Almost as much as Trip on "Enterprise." That's right,
I'm not just a Survivor geek, I'm a Trek geek. Enterprise rocks! So far, anyway
No pressure, but I really want to know someone on a reality show,
preferably Survivor. Start making those audition tapes. The show
started, and I actually got really sad. Everyone seemed so stoked to be in
Africa and I thought, "It's such a bummer that one of these people will only
last one day, how sad for them."

I got over it.

The tribes are abandoned in the middle of nowhere and march towards
their campsites. Boron has Diane read the map and she sucks at it. She zig
zags a lot and wanders out way ahead, "I was just going at my own pace,
which is obviously much faster than most people, especially when I'm just
carrying a paper map and they're lugging heavy stretchers full of supplies."

Samburu is having a great time bonding on the way to camp, making
jokes...except for General Frank, who thinks the tribe should maintain
radio silence until they reach the LZ. He keeps getting way ahead of
everyone else, which, must mean he's the leader, right? Brandon's is
the first of several, "Frank is all, like, Army guy? And we're like,
what-EH-ver, OK?" confessionals by Samburu. Brandon's online bio
states that he is gay--but he was married in college for a time, to which I
say, "Wow." I guess denial is a powerful thing. Brandon and Silas
are both bartenders--two bartenders, nothing to drink,
ah the delicious irony of Survivor!

Back to Boron (I'm confused still kids, so don't worry, we'll get to
know everyone in due time). Diane "falls." I don't buy one
ounce of her drama queen act. Anyone who has ever been
on a camping trip with a bunch of teens can spot Diane as the ubiquitous
desperate-for-any-attention-even-if-its-pity sucking ball of need.
Clarence teaches the white folks one of those nifty Negro handshakes--I
swear if you wrote that into a sitcom, it'd be taken out as a dated
stereotype, but it happened. I took it as a nice bit of team-building
on CB's part, but in retrospect, I think he was just being ingratiating.

At Samburu, Frank barks more orders. "What branch of the service were
you in, I'm trying to learn more about you so that maybe we can become
=friends!" Dentist Carl asks good-naturedly. Frank's (inane) response
is something like, "The American one, it's about freedom."
Actually, it sounded a hell of a lot like, "Up Yours!"
Frank is part Kel (weird arrogant army man), part Kimmi
(isolationist, proudly draws attention to loner status) and part
BB (You can tell by the way I'm yelling at you that I am the boss.)
Let's see how far Frank gets with that winner pedigree,
shall we? Did Frank ever watch the show? He is actually
also part Deb here, all about the surviving
the elements stuff, not into the whole "being remotely likable" thing.

The bad water makes everyone sick. They need a fire to boil the water
that they plan to hike to. Frank isn't the only one irritated with the
young irreverent pack--Linda (who's been to Africa before)
thinks HER tribesmen aren't respecting Mother Africa,
but wisely holds her tongue. Everyone' tired, dehydrated, scared,
hot etc, why get on anyone's short list--FRANK!?
Seriosuly though, I think Linda could get in some trouble if she
continues to criticize everyone's reactions to Africa. She's especially
irritated when some of the kids make a joke about their "sacred" tribal
name--c'monLinda, you know the Africans are making fun of the Survivors as we
speak. The springwater is stagnant and it's foul. There's scum on top and
flies and everyone is freaked. "Well I love that dirty water, awwww Survivor
you're my home!" Maybe the Peace Corp can come in and dig them a well?
Frank can't make fire, ha ha, armyboy. He raves like a madman, "the only
soft place I've ever been is in my momma's womb, everything else is hard, I
was born standing up, life's a bitch, I eat nails, Suffering is fun,
RAHHHH!" Brandon rolls his eyes. Frank is the father of two girls--
dating will be a lot of fun for them, you can just tell.

Back at Boron, J-Lo...er, Jessie, pukes her guts out. Crazy Farmer Tom
sings and pretends to be an elephant while his pants fall down.
According to his CBS bio, Tom's luxury item is a dried raccoon penis
he wears as a good luck charm--sorry ladies, he's already taken.
Actually, most of the luxury items are charms, jewelry. Someone has
paints, a journal. Silas brought a pillow. Teresa's prominently
displayed Atlanta braves hat is hers. I'd bring cards. I think Tina's
backgammon set helped her win because it enabled her to
interact with everyone, pick their brains, get a read on them.

At Samburu, Kim (there are two kim's, we'll figure someway to
distinguish them soon--right now, Samburu's Kim
is the one who talks...a LOT) discovers a telescope in the med kit
and gives it to big beefy Silas
(a bartender/aspiring actor residing in LA---Nooooooooooooooo!!!) so that
HE can start the fire, which was odd. Not that she had him do it, but
that she played dumb like, "Hey...I dunno, could YOU maybe figure a way to
make fire using the sun and a magnifying glass? I'm just a girl,
teeheehee." Silas kinda bugs. In his bio he describes himself as "exciting."
UhHuh. But, I was glad they got the fire going before Frank, who doesn't
participate in the silly fire dance the other perform.

At Boron, the dried-out Survivors bust open a can of cherries. They
pass it around, and Clarence takes two when he' only supposed to take one.
It does not go unnoticed.

Samburu gets some mail about the challenge. I THINK it was a poem, but
Kim don't read so good, her timing is off on the rhyming.
The tribes meet for the challenge and Boron is demoralized when they
hear Samburu has fire. Jeff shows them the immunity idol, and Lex grabs it
and kisses it--he's so wacky, you can tell by his tattoos *eyeroll*

The Immunity challenge is BRUTAL and painful and scary--Ethan was
roadkill by the end! Boron leads the whole way but gets passed by Samburu at
the last minute. Diane "passes out" and "her eyes roll back in her head,"
whatever you big faker. I'll bet Diane has filed a couple false disability
claims in her time with the USPS.

So, they kinda fooled me, as we spent more time getting to know Samburu
(I thought). It would seem to be a no-brainer--if its dead-weight you're
looking for--how about the woman you're carrying back to camp!? But
suddenly--

THE GREAT BEANCAN BETRAYAL!!!
The Boron tribe goes to get water. Clarence volunteers to stay behind
with poor, wittle Diane. Everyone agrees this is a capital idea, and they
head out. Now, if Clarence hadn't so OBVIOUSLY eaten two cherries instead
of one, no one would be suspicious. He could have had the beans, and
probably no one notices they're a can short. But he DID, and the other six
Borons fret about how they should have counted the cans etc etc. They come
back and Diane looks refreshed and so does CB, so Tom confronts him and CB
admits to eating a can of beans with Diane, and all the guys jump all
over CB's case for basically stealing from the group. The girls all watch
the show unfold, but keep mum. Clarence apologizes, but he doesn't seem to
really care. He apologizes because everyone seems to demand it,
continuing to maintain that because he opened the can as a selfish act of
friendship for the near-death Diane, it doesn't matter that he "happened" to eat
some too. Lex sputters something about needing to rebuild trust, while Tom
says he'd shoot Clarence if he had a gun with him, and insists that from now on,
they'll shake hands the white--er, right way, from now on.

Tom's kinda uppity for a guy showing that much buttcrack.

THEN Diane pipes up, and claims she wasn't even that hungry and that
she didn't ask for food, "He poured it down my throat, I couldn't stop
him!" Clarence feels betrayed (Wow, Instant Karma). Diane smiles smugly to
herself, proud of her master-manipulation. She bears a frightening
resemblance to Susan Hawk in this moment. What an evil bitch Diane is!

At Tribal council, Clarence again says "Sorry everyone's mad, sorry I
got caught, sorry my noble gesture of eating some beans with a crippled
woman hurt your feelings." Tom claims he'll forgive Clarence, but never
forget...which is one of those sayings that only makes sense until you
think about it. Jeff goes to "Tally the votes," Oh yeah, baby, you
know what that does to me ;)

Clarence and Diane vote for each other, and both accuse the other about
lying about BEANCANGATE, the pine tree calling the willow shady. I
don't trust either of these two. Tom votes out Clarence, but everyone else
makes the smart vote and ousts the useless, whiny Diane. Buh-bye.

Diane joins sweet Sonya and cantankerous Deb (yeah, I know she cried at
the reunion, blah blah, but who was REALLY sorry to see her go?) as the first
casualty. Diane claims she was "glad to go." Whatever you need to
tell yourself, babe.

Next week, my guess is Clarence or Frank goes, following the pattern of
ousting the odd man out (BB and Kel), in spite of whatever physical
strength either has. Most of the challenges will be winnable via teamwork
as opposed to brute strength, get rid of the source of friction. The
Ex-survivors always talk about getting rid of "leaders," but really its
the physically weak and the socially irritating who get knocked off before
the merger. It's only when the tribes become one that people are
eliminatedfor being threats. In the coming weeks, the women
will start making more of an impression. I don't have a handle on
either of the Kims, Lindsay, OR Kelly. If Teresa wasn't wearing
her Braves hat, I wouldn't know who she was either

Have a great weekend, Let's Go A's! Christine :)

Survivor Africa preview review: in a word, weak.

Not that I expected much more, but...still. As predicted, it was the
losers telling us how to win. The winner, Tina, was the one who kept
saying it's largely luck. The whole idea of CBS having a special to teach
us how to watch their show is pretty stupid. Uh, it WAS the highest rated
show last year, seems like we figured it out just fine without a lesson,
CBS.
If there's one thing I know how to do, its watch a tv show!

I think one of the show's strengths is as a metaphor--everyone can think os
someone, be it in their work, dorm, family or whereever, that you'd "vote
off" if you had the chance. But in real life, you just have to deal with
that person. In "Survivor" there's some sad and frustrationg vote-offs to
be sure, but there's also those great moments when some clueless jerk gets
voted off because they are annoying, arrogant, loud or whatever, and we all
live vicariously through it.

Sue is still pathetic. Accusing Kelly of stabbing her in the back, still
unable to grasp how well Rich played her (a lot of hostility towards Rich
on the show, actually). She's doing tv guide commentary again but Alicia
has taken Gervase's spot with the counterpoint--should be fun. They both
refer to Survivor as a nice diversion from world events, and I couldn't
agree more--these idiot critics who think people won't watch survivor
because its real or its not real or its about greed or whatever---get a
life! I don't understand anyone looking at the deaths of 5,000 people and
saying, "Well, the good thing is this will kill reality tv," to be quite
honest. Again, it demonstrates an utter misconception of why we watch: We
don't watch it because we enjoy cruelty or money-grubbing or selfishness,
and anyone who lumps Survivor and the Mole in with Love Cruise or Fear
factor may as well do the same by lamenting I Love Lucy and Mary Tyler
Moore because of Married with Children and Veronica's Closet, or predicting
the doom of the the Sopranos because of Wolf Lake--this is terrible, there
goes the hour-long drama!. Crap and excellence can be found in every
genre, so quit picking on Survivor!! >:(

Rich and Keith weren't on the special, and that was great.

I was glad we didn't get too hard a look at the new show and contestants--I
want to watch the show unfold the way the others did. I was surprised to
see that Jennifer Lopez will be on Survivor, I thought she was doing okay
career-wise.

I think Frank might be the first off, he seems bossy, but both my sister
Jen and Gary have called Diane, the twice-divorced postal worker as the
most likely candidate--time will tell. They all seem craaazy, but maybe
that's because you have to seem crazy on your audition tape to get it
noticed.

I end with a question:

What would be more horrible than:

1) having a job which requires you attend a Richard Hatch motivational
seminar?

answer: Listening to it as a book on tape--as read by Sue.

2) getting sick and having your HMO assign you to Dr. Sean?

answer: watching him try to act on "Guiding Light".

3) attending a film screeing starring Jerri?

answer: attending a MUSICAL starring Jerri.

Next week, it begins! Survivor in Africa!! WoooooooHooooo!!!! Christine
:D