Survivor Africa Week 1

For the record, I do not feel the need to call it Survivor 3 or
Survivor Africa, as though any of us are confused that we are no longer in the
Outback. Do they call it "ER 8" or "Ed 2"?? We aren't stupid.
Also, I didn't really start reviewing the show last season til like,
week 4, so I had the advantage of knowing everyone pretty well. We're gonna
ease into this, kids.

Dug the Africanized Survivor theme, and I was happy to see Jeff:) I
love him so. Almost as much as Trip on "Enterprise." That's right,
I'm not just a Survivor geek, I'm a Trek geek. Enterprise rocks! So far, anyway
No pressure, but I really want to know someone on a reality show,
preferably Survivor. Start making those audition tapes. The show
started, and I actually got really sad. Everyone seemed so stoked to be in
Africa and I thought, "It's such a bummer that one of these people will only
last one day, how sad for them."

I got over it.

The tribes are abandoned in the middle of nowhere and march towards
their campsites. Boron has Diane read the map and she sucks at it. She zig
zags a lot and wanders out way ahead, "I was just going at my own pace,
which is obviously much faster than most people, especially when I'm just
carrying a paper map and they're lugging heavy stretchers full of supplies."

Samburu is having a great time bonding on the way to camp, making
jokes...except for General Frank, who thinks the tribe should maintain
radio silence until they reach the LZ. He keeps getting way ahead of
everyone else, which, must mean he's the leader, right? Brandon's is
the first of several, "Frank is all, like, Army guy? And we're like,
what-EH-ver, OK?" confessionals by Samburu. Brandon's online bio
states that he is gay--but he was married in college for a time, to which I
say, "Wow." I guess denial is a powerful thing. Brandon and Silas
are both bartenders--two bartenders, nothing to drink,
ah the delicious irony of Survivor!

Back to Boron (I'm confused still kids, so don't worry, we'll get to
know everyone in due time). Diane "falls." I don't buy one
ounce of her drama queen act. Anyone who has ever been
on a camping trip with a bunch of teens can spot Diane as the ubiquitous
desperate-for-any-attention-even-if-its-pity sucking ball of need.
Clarence teaches the white folks one of those nifty Negro handshakes--I
swear if you wrote that into a sitcom, it'd be taken out as a dated
stereotype, but it happened. I took it as a nice bit of team-building
on CB's part, but in retrospect, I think he was just being ingratiating.

At Samburu, Frank barks more orders. "What branch of the service were
you in, I'm trying to learn more about you so that maybe we can become
=friends!" Dentist Carl asks good-naturedly. Frank's (inane) response
is something like, "The American one, it's about freedom."
Actually, it sounded a hell of a lot like, "Up Yours!"
Frank is part Kel (weird arrogant army man), part Kimmi
(isolationist, proudly draws attention to loner status) and part
BB (You can tell by the way I'm yelling at you that I am the boss.)
Let's see how far Frank gets with that winner pedigree,
shall we? Did Frank ever watch the show? He is actually
also part Deb here, all about the surviving
the elements stuff, not into the whole "being remotely likable" thing.

The bad water makes everyone sick. They need a fire to boil the water
that they plan to hike to. Frank isn't the only one irritated with the
young irreverent pack--Linda (who's been to Africa before)
thinks HER tribesmen aren't respecting Mother Africa,
but wisely holds her tongue. Everyone' tired, dehydrated, scared,
hot etc, why get on anyone's short list--FRANK!?
Seriosuly though, I think Linda could get in some trouble if she
continues to criticize everyone's reactions to Africa. She's especially
irritated when some of the kids make a joke about their "sacred" tribal
name--c'monLinda, you know the Africans are making fun of the Survivors as we
speak. The springwater is stagnant and it's foul. There's scum on top and
flies and everyone is freaked. "Well I love that dirty water, awwww Survivor
you're my home!" Maybe the Peace Corp can come in and dig them a well?
Frank can't make fire, ha ha, armyboy. He raves like a madman, "the only
soft place I've ever been is in my momma's womb, everything else is hard, I
was born standing up, life's a bitch, I eat nails, Suffering is fun,
RAHHHH!" Brandon rolls his eyes. Frank is the father of two girls--
dating will be a lot of fun for them, you can just tell.

Back at Boron, J-Lo...er, Jessie, pukes her guts out. Crazy Farmer Tom
sings and pretends to be an elephant while his pants fall down.
According to his CBS bio, Tom's luxury item is a dried raccoon penis
he wears as a good luck charm--sorry ladies, he's already taken.
Actually, most of the luxury items are charms, jewelry. Someone has
paints, a journal. Silas brought a pillow. Teresa's prominently
displayed Atlanta braves hat is hers. I'd bring cards. I think Tina's
backgammon set helped her win because it enabled her to
interact with everyone, pick their brains, get a read on them.

At Samburu, Kim (there are two kim's, we'll figure someway to
distinguish them soon--right now, Samburu's Kim
is the one who talks...a LOT) discovers a telescope in the med kit
and gives it to big beefy Silas
(a bartender/aspiring actor residing in LA---Nooooooooooooooo!!!) so that
HE can start the fire, which was odd. Not that she had him do it, but
that she played dumb like, "Hey...I dunno, could YOU maybe figure a way to
make fire using the sun and a magnifying glass? I'm just a girl,
teeheehee." Silas kinda bugs. In his bio he describes himself as "exciting."
UhHuh. But, I was glad they got the fire going before Frank, who doesn't
participate in the silly fire dance the other perform.

At Boron, the dried-out Survivors bust open a can of cherries. They
pass it around, and Clarence takes two when he' only supposed to take one.
It does not go unnoticed.

Samburu gets some mail about the challenge. I THINK it was a poem, but
Kim don't read so good, her timing is off on the rhyming.
The tribes meet for the challenge and Boron is demoralized when they
hear Samburu has fire. Jeff shows them the immunity idol, and Lex grabs it
and kisses it--he's so wacky, you can tell by his tattoos *eyeroll*

The Immunity challenge is BRUTAL and painful and scary--Ethan was
roadkill by the end! Boron leads the whole way but gets passed by Samburu at
the last minute. Diane "passes out" and "her eyes roll back in her head,"
whatever you big faker. I'll bet Diane has filed a couple false disability
claims in her time with the USPS.

So, they kinda fooled me, as we spent more time getting to know Samburu
(I thought). It would seem to be a no-brainer--if its dead-weight you're
looking for--how about the woman you're carrying back to camp!? But
suddenly--

THE GREAT BEANCAN BETRAYAL!!!
The Boron tribe goes to get water. Clarence volunteers to stay behind
with poor, wittle Diane. Everyone agrees this is a capital idea, and they
head out. Now, if Clarence hadn't so OBVIOUSLY eaten two cherries instead
of one, no one would be suspicious. He could have had the beans, and
probably no one notices they're a can short. But he DID, and the other six
Borons fret about how they should have counted the cans etc etc. They come
back and Diane looks refreshed and so does CB, so Tom confronts him and CB
admits to eating a can of beans with Diane, and all the guys jump all
over CB's case for basically stealing from the group. The girls all watch
the show unfold, but keep mum. Clarence apologizes, but he doesn't seem to
really care. He apologizes because everyone seems to demand it,
continuing to maintain that because he opened the can as a selfish act of
friendship for the near-death Diane, it doesn't matter that he "happened" to eat
some too. Lex sputters something about needing to rebuild trust, while Tom
says he'd shoot Clarence if he had a gun with him, and insists that from now on,
they'll shake hands the white--er, right way, from now on.

Tom's kinda uppity for a guy showing that much buttcrack.

THEN Diane pipes up, and claims she wasn't even that hungry and that
she didn't ask for food, "He poured it down my throat, I couldn't stop
him!" Clarence feels betrayed (Wow, Instant Karma). Diane smiles smugly to
herself, proud of her master-manipulation. She bears a frightening
resemblance to Susan Hawk in this moment. What an evil bitch Diane is!

At Tribal council, Clarence again says "Sorry everyone's mad, sorry I
got caught, sorry my noble gesture of eating some beans with a crippled
woman hurt your feelings." Tom claims he'll forgive Clarence, but never
forget...which is one of those sayings that only makes sense until you
think about it. Jeff goes to "Tally the votes," Oh yeah, baby, you
know what that does to me ;)

Clarence and Diane vote for each other, and both accuse the other about
lying about BEANCANGATE, the pine tree calling the willow shady. I
don't trust either of these two. Tom votes out Clarence, but everyone else
makes the smart vote and ousts the useless, whiny Diane. Buh-bye.

Diane joins sweet Sonya and cantankerous Deb (yeah, I know she cried at
the reunion, blah blah, but who was REALLY sorry to see her go?) as the first
casualty. Diane claims she was "glad to go." Whatever you need to
tell yourself, babe.

Next week, my guess is Clarence or Frank goes, following the pattern of
ousting the odd man out (BB and Kel), in spite of whatever physical
strength either has. Most of the challenges will be winnable via teamwork
as opposed to brute strength, get rid of the source of friction. The
Ex-survivors always talk about getting rid of "leaders," but really its
the physically weak and the socially irritating who get knocked off before
the merger. It's only when the tribes become one that people are
eliminatedfor being threats. In the coming weeks, the women
will start making more of an impression. I don't have a handle on
either of the Kims, Lindsay, OR Kelly. If Teresa wasn't wearing
her Braves hat, I wouldn't know who she was either

Have a great weekend, Let's Go A's! Christine :)