Survivor 14.2 "You keep your head."

BEFORE WE BEGIN: AROUND THE REALITY HORN

I was underwhelmed with Amazing Race all-stars, which really should've been called, "Amazing Race: Veterans Edition," because yes, they've all been on the show before, but a lot of them were forgettable. I wish they'd bothered to show a clip or two about each pair, reminding us who they were. And we've already lost a likable pair--yes, I'm rooting hard against Rob and Ambuh even though their sense of entitlement is probably a put-on. I loved the clip they kept showing on the promos with Rob saying, "Second place din't sit so good," I kept thinking, c'mon Rob you gotta be used to second place by now. As of now, I'm gonna watch it, but I've gotta admit, I'm more emotionally invested in "Grease: You're the One that I Want." All the Sandy's are pretty good, but if they choose anyone but Chad or Austin as Danny, they have made a grave error. American Idol is just ramping up, though I only like a couple of the guys--Blake aka beat-box guy, Chris Sligh and a couple others. The girls were so way better! I especially love Melinda, the former back-up singer. But it's early...okay, onto Survivor...

MISERY LOVES WATER

At Ravu, the poor waterless fireless foodless tribe is licking the dew off of leaves in order to stay alive, "It's tree-lickin' good," Mookie laughs thru the pain. Everyone struggles to make fire with sticks, but they're to weak to put any muscle into it--half the tribe seems to weak to stand, and the only sustenance is that limited supply of coconut milk growing on the trees. Meanwhile, at Moto, Immunity and luxury abound and you hear people saying things like, "These pillows are awesome!" Lisi, a red-headed tough gal who occasionally talks like Popeye the sailor man raves, "This game is so vicious, it's delicious." Then, drunk with power--and the CBS-provided lemonade, she kills an ant with a hammer. Seriously! Boo, a charmless lout who likes to fart loudly and state the obvious as though it were profound, boasts that they will be the first people to gain weight on Survivor. Boo is an ass...and this isn't Survivor! Then we get a display of Boo, who we must now call Boo-boo, as he seriously hurts his eye by walking into a sign, then he almost cuts his foot off when he's careless with the axe! And when people try to help out he brays, "Ah'll tell ya when I need help." Then he rests in the hammock...and it falls to the ground. I think it's the work of the Survivor gods, because Boo-boo is an ass. Dreamz predicts that Boo-boo will "hurt himself out of the game," and I for one can't wait!

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE, WE DON'T EVEN HAVE FUN AND GAMES

Sylvia returns from Exile, and even though no one really likes her, her arrival is something different, and a distraction from their own eminent deaths, so everyone gives her a warm greeting. Yau-man tries to peak in her bag for the Immunity Idol while he gives her a hug. She is shocked to find out that unlike Exile Island, Ravu doesn't have flint--so yes, she was better off over there, where at least she could make fire and drink water. She voices her surprise that the walking corpses haven't built a shelter yet, and everyone makes a face. She then laments to us that she feels like an outsider, cut to: every single member of her tribe bitching about her bossiness. Mookie, Rocky and Anthony agree amongst themselves that Sylvia is the next to go. Later, earl, Erica and Rocky go on a trek for food, and all they find are unripe mangoes. Thankfully, Erica soon finds a pineapple patch near camp, and everyone's spirits rise as they finally get to eat something. Earl deadpans, "Me and Erica, we're getting married. She just saved my life."

DREAMZ ACADEMY

Dreamz and Papa Smurf--again, not my creation, go hunting for food. Dreamz is having fun climbing trees, and he tells us that this experience is not unlike digging in garbage cans for food, which he and his siblings did when they were kids. He is firm about his ideals--when you find food, you share it, because you know your family is waiting for it back home. He points out that the rest of his tribe is unfamiliar with the concept of struggle, a fact that is demonstrated as Moto sits around gorging on fruit. Dreamz says they're living so well on the island, that there are people watching at home who have less food in their refrigerators. The rest of his tribe laughs and is all, "That would be horrible, but of course it's not possible, because everyone in America is doing great, and even though were the biggest bunch of spoiled babies in the history of Survivor, we still reserve the right to complain about our situation." They just don't get it. Dreamz doesn't force the issue, he just looks a little disappointed. Right now, I pretty much love Dreamz...and that's it for Moto. Seriously, this is more of an experiment on US, the viewers, because...how do root for the rich tribe over the poor tribe?

REWARD AND IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Once again, reward and Immunity are combined, which is probably because Ravu couldn't survive two challenges in as many days. Ravu arrives with their faces painted and their confidence sky high. Ravu drags in, weary. For some reason, many Moton's look shocked by Jessica's ouster--maybe because she was a PYT? I don't know, maybe they just liked her. Sylvia gets her orange buff from Jeff. The challenge is a canoe race to gather...sigh...puzzle pieces--or, excuse me, puzzle-pole pieces, and then they have to assemble this pole on the beach and then put their flag on it and raise it, kinda like Iwo Jima only...not. The winning team wins Immunity, flint, a ton of fishing gear, and some shiny machetes. Things start out even, and then Ravu takes a pretty good lead! But then, once they're on the beach, they start arguing amongst themselves and things bog down. Erica gets very insistent that she's right, but she's wrong, and Sylvia orders her to calm down. They can't get it together though, and Moto wins and they jump up and down and cheer while Ravu collapses in agony and exhaustion and dehydration. Boo is especially annoying about it, 'natch. Seriously...what is the point to all this? Are the tables gonna turn soon, or what, because if Ravu keeps losing, I don't think anyone's gonna be all that interested or impressed or surprised by the fact that a well-fed, hydrated, spoiled tribe with a flipping COUCH can beat-up on a bunch of people who haven't drunk water in 5 days. I'm...having trouble enjoying this, I just so happen to like an even playing field, call me crazy.

THIS EARL DOESN'T NEED TO TRY AND BE A BETTER PERSON

Moto sends Earl to Exile, I guess because he's a big strong guy who they want to weaken? Well, the joke's on them, then, because he gets to have a fire and boil water! So there! Then a giant sea snake creeps up behind him, and Earl wacks him to death with the machete. Earl sighs heavily about having to kill the creature, because he loves animals and he feels snakes are misunderstood--but he couldn't take the chance of the poisonous snake coming back to get him. I heart Earl.

AS THE GAME TURNS

Even though everyone said that Sylvia was going to go home, after the challenge, the mood has shifted, and several Survivors feel that it was Erica's panicking about the pole that cost them the win. She's their "Tony Romo," as it were, heh heh heh. Even Rocky, who vowed to nevuh write huh name down is quick to call Mokkie his latest bestest bud, and turn on Erica, "Ah jes' can't read huh no more," he claims, which I think is Rocky for "Ah realized she wasn't nevuh gonna make out wit' me." Sticking to the Sylvia-is-toast line is Anthony (who reminds me of David from Sesame Street, remember David from Sesame Street?), who is sick of Sylvia's order giving and who values Erica's strength. When Sylvia gets wind of all this, she is thrilled and quick to label Erica's excitability at the challenge a distraction that needs to be eliminated, "You keep your head," she sniffs, hoping to keep her figurative head off the chopping block. Then things seem to swing back around in Erica's favor, as Michelle and Rita both vehemently agree with Anthony that the tribe vibe was much better before Sylvia got there, and she should be the one leaving. Since this is Ravu, their boat gets swamped, and they have to waste precious energy bailing it out before they can paddle out to Tribal Council.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Anyone notice how kick-ass the soundtrack has been lately? Awesome. Anyway, Tribal is pretty boring, probably because everyone's so tired. I'm really surprised at the lack of bitterness towards Jeff during all this. Putting up with all his "Pull it together," lectureyness and not saying, "THEY'RE EATING AND WE'RE NOT! WE HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO BOIL OUR WATER." Frankly, I'd go on a talk strike--no flint, no drama. At one point, Erica rolls her eyes when Rocky claims that Sylvia is used to telling people what to do "in a positive way." Then Sylvia pulls a say-what-now when she suggests the tribe elect a leader when they get back to camp, so everyone knows who's in charge and isn't offended by someone helpfully suggesting a course of action. Yau-man says the person going home is someone who's been too vocal and too stubborn and my sister and I added, "Who's name is Sylvia," at the same time, because that was SO a Sylvia comment, right? Right? WRONG! Only Erica and Anthony wind up voting for Sylvia, and Erica goes home 6-2. She's not happy about it, and predicts her tribe will regret the decision. Oh, and of course, we had to take a long look at a giant millipede.

Erica is evicted in 18th place. A dude named Brook left us in Vanuatu, and no one remembers, nor cares. In Palau, Jolanda was ousted for "being bossy," and her tribe lost every subsequent challenge--that's some vindication right there. In Guatemala, cranky Jim tore a muscle in his chest so he was dead weight, and last season, Cecelia was sent home.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

A Katrina evacuee, Erica is the second native Louisianan to be ousted in a row. She lists "Forensic Files" as one of her favorite TV shows, which means we could, like, totally hang out.

Peace Out! :D

Christine

Survivor 14.1 "Askew means not orthogonal."

Ahoy, and welcome to season 14 of Survivor! It started out similar to previous seasons, with Jeff trying to scare us with tales of snakes, skulls, sharks and cannibalism, even though Fiji is a well-known surfing mecca and vacation destination for the jet-set. He even tantalizes us with news that a contestant quit moments before this season was to start, because Fiji is soooo unknown, but I read in TV Guide that the girl in question suffers from claustrophobia, not a fear of ancient cannibalistic customs. Jeff tells us there are two Immunity Idols, and that there are different rules about them, which will be revealed later. 39 days! 19 people! One Survivor!!! :D

ALL TOGETHER NOW

All the Survivors are dispatched to the same beach at first, a situation we saw in Palau as well. I told you last season that I enjoyed the small tribes, which allowed personalities to show quicker, but this year, nope, 19 people all at once--good luck figuring out who everyone is, right? Well, one thing about this season is everyone has a nickname--at least amongst the guys. I think they're trying to put blogging pundits like me, who like to come up with our own monikers for these people, out of business! We've got a Mookie, a Dreamz, a Papa Smurf, a Rocky and a Boo. Plus a guy who's real name is the nickname-sounding Yau-man (pronounced Yow-man). I'm not making any of those up, either. Papa Smurf is a bearish father-figure, Rocky is a droopy-eyed Bostonion with Survivor's favorite freakin' accent, Dreamz is former street kid turned cheerleading coach, Yau-man is an Island-survival guru, originally from Borneo (site of Survivor, season one). In my mind's eye, he is wearing a pith helmet. Everyone is excited to find water, and a cool cave for shelter, but they are also wary and confused about the lack of Jeff, instructions, flags or machetes. Suddenly a plane appears in the sky, and Jeff kicks out a large crate. Some of the guys try to open it with a rock, but wise Yau-man is there to throw the crate onto a rock, hitting the corner ans splitting it open. inside is a map to building supplies and instructions on how to build a living area, the likes of which have never been scene on Survivor--it will have a kitchen and a picnic table. You know how I'm always complaining that these people never seem to have watched the show? Mercifully, this bunch seems suitably nervous. Alex, a handsome Latino yuppie, puts it best, "Something very cruel is gonna happen." The Survivors get to the supplies and find shingles for a roof, nails, lumber and a toilet seat. "I'll say it again: a Toilet seat," one Survivor who's name I forgot to write down in my notes said (Yeah, I gotta work out the bugs of this, watch only once plan of mine.) Sylvia, a 40-something Asian woman, just so happens to be an architect, so she quickly finds herself in a leadership role, which she takes to like a duck to water, which seems to chafe Gary, the guy who winds up being called Papa Smurf. Sylvia is a bit stuffy: in a classic exchange, dimwit Rocky doesn't know what she means by the word, "askew," and she replies, "Askew means not orthogonal." Thank you, Lt. Commander Data. Yau-man quickly makes a good impression on the group by showing them how to open coconuts for food. "You're the professor on this Gilligan's Island," praises a black guy named Earl. Later that night, as the group huddles on the floor of the cave and tries to sleep, a wound-up and shouty Dreamz seems unable to settle down, and his rants on various topics, including race, starts to irk the group, especially the equally volatile James-who-should-be-Rocky-and-is. A sensitive crab scuttles out of the cave to avoid the conflict. The next morning, Rocky is upset with himself for losing control, but the story of the once homeless Dreamz, who probably wasn't socialized the same way the other Survivors were, is one to watch...

REWARD AND IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

The gang gathers at the Challenge beach, where Jeff quizzes the group. When no one argues the fact that Sylvia's the group's early leader, since she knew what to do with the architectural plans, he gives her the job of dividing the team into two, which she does swiftly, confidently, and with no visible trepidation. The lime-green buffed Moto tribe consists of Lillian, Cassandra, Stacy, Leci, Dreamz, Boo, Papa Smurf aka Gary, Alex and Ed. The orange buffed Ravu tribe consists of Michelle, Erica, Rita, Jessica, Rocky, earl, Yau-man, Anthony and Mookie. And I don't know the difference between most of those people either. It is at least as racially-diverse as last season's group, if not more so--in other words, I'm not sure if there are fewer white people, but there's definitely fewer blondes. Sylvia is now odd-person out, and Jeff then tells her that she's going to Exile immediately, and that she really, really, really needs to watch out for the sea snakes over there. Really. She will join the losing team, replacing the first evictee. Jeff then unveils the kick-ass and freaky Immunity Idol, that's like, a skull with bones raiding out of it, like some sort of Heavy Metal nightmare sun, that's on a staff. It rocks! Then Jeff reveals the big twist--the winners will get to go back to the shelter they've all worked so hard to build, which will include a couch, and the losers will be sent to a crappy beach with no shelter, no supplies, and no flint. Just a pot and a machete. The challenge is a chariot race, with people instead of horses, and of course they have to get puzzle pieces because there must always be freakin' puzzle pieces. Puzzle pieces, scary freaky bugs, and someone with a grating Boston accent: That's Survivor in a nutshell. Anyway, Moto wins.

UPTRIBE, DOWNTRIBE

Moto arrives at their chi-chi shelter, complete with sofa and sewing machine. Alex states, "It was a huge boost of morale to win that first challenge." Um, DUH, you have a freakin' couch! And bags or rice! And fire! And cutlery! And hammocks! And a shower! And a toilet seat! I'll say it again: a toilet seat! CBS: I know Survivor. Survivor is a favorite show of mine. This is not Survivor. On Sea Snake Island (and no, Jeff wasn't hyperbolizing this time, the place is seasnakarific), Sylvia climbs to the top of the Island, in a cool little lookout hut that CBS lawyers probably made Mark Burnett build, to protect exiles from the sea snakes. Sylvia, who really got rooked if you asked me, having no chance to be on the spoiled tribe, all because she knew how to read a blue-print, gets her first clue to the Idol's location--it tells her it's back at her camp. She sighs and returns her attention to the spectacular Fijian panorama: a view with a clue...

Meanwhile, the Ravu losers all try to make the best of their situation by making "who needs a lousy shelter" jokes. The importance of positive thinking and bravado is completely lost on cranky Erica, who raves, "I'm pissed off and I can't believe on one else is!" C'mon, Erica, when life gives you lemons...wait...the other tribe got all the lemons, too, never mind. She, Rocky and Jessica from an alliance and vow not to vote for one another. America cringes when Rocky calls the Asian Michelle, by way of praising her tree-climbing ability, "a little ninja." They all decide that this woman named Rita is the weakest link. Then we see a horrible, horrible spider of horrible horribleness--body like a snow globe and eight wooded-spoon legs--that apparently symbolizes "a tribal mood shift," because many of the other Ravuans have decided that Jessica is the weak link--and she DID fail to put together the part of the puzzle she was responsible for, so there's some "fairness" for her paying for it, many feel. Rita declares that the young woman is "flying under the radar," a truly ridiculous accusation to make on Day Two. Erica and Rocky are stunned at this shift, and reaffirm to each other that they will never, NEVAH! put her name down, but...they don't give Jessica a heads up either...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

This season, Tribal Council is in a kick-ass Tree House! Yeah! Thought the skull-encrusted fire pit? Way over the top. Then Jeff reveals the game's second major twist: Fire no longer represents life, SKULLS DO!!!! Just kidding :D The tribe puts on their brave faces and tell Jeff they're ready to deal with the reality of their Reality Show situation. Even Erica seems to have drunk the Kool-aid...oh, wait, no, the other tribe got all the Kool-aid. Anyway, she seems to have bought the party line as she tells Jeff they're pleased with their, "abundance of coconuts." It really is interesting, because I find myself automatically feeling like I SHOULD root for the underdog Ravu tribe, even though several of them really annoy me (Erica and Rocky), and despite the fact that Moto has done nothing wrong--they won the challenge before them and now sit in the lap of luxury. Yau-man frets that he may be vulnerable because of his age but his survival skills have made him vital to this deprived group. Mookie says the decision to night, for him, is as simple as "Can this person be replaced by Sylvia," and that's a little cold but it's also a lot true: there's no net loss to the tribe in terms of numbers. But, it's not an easy vote for anyone else--there's no one who's lazed around while the others worked, no one who's made weird statements about their bowel movements...no blatant jerks. In the end, Jessica votes for Rita, Rocky and Erica cast meaningless votes for Yau-man and Mookie, and everyone else votes for a stunned Jessica (Yau-man, who I heart, apologies, "This is strictly mercenary. Nothing personal". Turns out her pals didn't write her name down...but they also didn't right down a name that would help her. Not a bad move on their parts, really, as it keeps people guessing, and doesn't reveal their fledgling alliance. Ravu then sulks off after Jeff tells them they won't be getting fire until they win it. HARSH!

Jessica is ousted in 19th place. In Palau, Wanda, the woman who wrote and sang songs about Survivor, was not chosen to be part of one of the tribes. Last Season, Ozzy engineered his tribe's defeat in order to evict Billy, the Heavy Metal guy, who famously declared his love for Candice, which he somehow believed was mutual. Oh, that Billy!

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

I gotta believe that a girl who would list "eating pancakes" as one of her hobbies was probably someone we would've liked to get to know better, but C'est La Survivor!

Next up...are the tribes gonna stay rich tribe poor tribe til the merge? Will Boo kill himself with a hammock? I dunno, we'll find out!

Peace Out! :D

Christine

Survivor 13 wrap-up AND a new day dawns

Hey all, once again, I fell hopelessly behind due to work and Christmas and what-not, but I loved this season of Survivor and didn't want it to go by the wayside. However, I've decided that in order to keep doing a Survivor review, I need to majorly retool. So, I'm no longer going to do a point by point recap, I'm gonna do more of a "here are the highlights/lowlights" deal, which is what I used to do anyway, which will mean I'll be able to stay on track, you won't have to wade thru as much, and I'll probably start throwing in my thoughts on other reality shows I watch too, like American Idol, and the Amazing Race. As always, you can email me to opt out at ANY TIME! There is no obligation to read. Also, I encourage you share your opinions with me via email. In fact, I encourage you to just chime in on the blog site :)

Survivor 13.11 "I think he's a filthy, miserable rat!"

A great episode that saw Jonathan taking the fallout for flipping on Raro. He insisted to Candice and company that Yul strong-armed him, by using the threat to the Idol, but he told US he liked Yul and co. better anyway. There was a truly awesome moment early on, when Parvati, Adam and Candice insisted to Jonathan that DUH, Yul DOESN'T have the Immunity Idol. Jonathan then plotted against Parvati, but Yul and the Gang...I can't believe I only thought about calling that alliance "Yul and the gang JUST NOW, in freakin' February, anyway, they all were mildly amused by Parvati, and didn't share Jonathan's contempt. Then we saw this scene of Candice, Parvati and Adam giggling alone in the shelter like monkeys--they kinda reminded me of those 60's movies where the biker-gang kids get some socialite up in a cage and rip around the house on their motorcycles laughing. Then we had the Reward auction--no sharing allowed. Yul showed everyone that he had the Idol, which I found odd. It was almost like, he couldn't wait until the Finale to show everyone how well he had played it. Becky can send anyone to Exile ans she chooses Candice instead of Adam, which I also didn't get. Jonathan won almost all the food rewards and was an ungracious ass about it, paving the way for his eventual, though not immediate doom (he even runs afoul of Jeff Probst when he offers him a tip--Jeff shot him this "I win over a million dollars every SEASON!" glare.) After the auction, Yul makes one of his "Is he a robot or a person?" observations when he realizes, "Watching people eat food when you can't is surprisingly painful." Then Jonathan has to go on and on about how ALL that food made him SO thirsty and when he departs to the bathroom, Sundra dubs him "an obnoxious force." Yul and the Gang are also fed up with how unsportsman like and yelly he is at challenges, and they toy with eliminating soon. Clever Parvati picks up on this and then tries to get Adam to realize same by using an elaborate series of signs, graphs and an interactive slide show, but Adam remains the puzzled dolt that he is. She casually bonds with Sundra and Becky over not liking Jonathan, but doesn't overplay her hand. When Jonathan gets wind of the sea change at camp, he blames the whole thing on Parvati "getting in the girls' ears" instead of owning up to the fact that he's a bit of a jerk.

Then we get a shocking Immunity Challenge that involves remembering stuff AND doing math, and...Adam wins!!! Then Yul and the Gang and Jonathan decide to eat dinner without Candice, Parvati and Adam, who didn't help catch or prepare the meal, and Candice throws down, confronting the group for being selfish, and then running afoul of Yul by telling Jonathan that Yul doesn't like him and told her so (which is basically true). The real thrust of Candice's rant, "Jonathan sucks because he's betrayed everyone in this game, while I've only betrayed, like, half," is pretty laughable, but it made for some great TV. Jonathan doesn't like being called a weasel by Candice. Yul is genuinely concerned by Adam and Candice's assertion that Yul will be rewarded for ousting Jonathan and if he doesn't he will be punished in the final vote.

At Tribal Council, the jury enjoys the drama and name-calling, as the dinner incident, and Jonathan's flip-flopping get rehashed and Candice insists that everyone of Yul and the Gang have stated that they don't like Jonathan. Adam calls him a rat. Yul hedges that "the picture that they're painting is not accurate," so Parvati calls Yul out for being "the Puppet Master," and Yul finally gets frustrated and shouts, "What to you expect me to do, we're all trying to win." Candice, Parvati and Adam all admit they're sitting ducks, and state that they just want Jonathan to leave the game before they do. The jury continues to lap it all up, though it has to be said--had Nate and co. stuck with Jenny or Rebecca instead of Jonathan, they'd probably still be in power. It ain't on Jonathan, it's on you, losers. The jury gets to show another big reaction when Jeff refers to the fact that Yul has shown everyone the Immunity Idol. Candice goes down 5-3 and makes out with Adam, which is not "leaving the Tribal Council Area Immediately," which is sounding more and more like an empty threat, Jeff.

Candice is eliminated in 8th place. In Season One, whiny yet captivating Poor Jenna was sent home, which affected me days later while driving home from work later that week, "Egads," I shouted to myself, "Survivor gets rid of it's stars before the Finale!" In the Outback, all races, creeds, religions, what have you celebrated as one in a Festival of Joy and Peace in celebration of the ouster of mean ol' Jerri, the bartender. In Africa, bitchy, lazy Brandon was put out of our misery and in the Marquesas, creepy yet boring Zoe couldn't be saved, despite her attempts at bribery thru creepy handmade jewelry. In Thailand Ken, the boring New York cop got the ax while in the ever-morphing Amazon, Deena the lawyer cut her own throat when she got drunk with power and plotted against Alex. In the Pearl Islands, Lil the whiny woman boy scout turned on America's Sweetheart, Rupert, so CBS had to come with the whole All-Stars deal just so they could do an online voting deal where America could give him a million dollars or America would've never watched CBS ever again. In Vanuatu, it wasn't the fact that he had only one foot that doomed Chad, it was the fact that he had a Y chromosome, and thus Ami the Evil Lesbian wanted him GONE. In Palau, Jeff talked Janu into quitting so that the more-worthy Steph could stay one more week. Jeff denies it, but we were there. In Guatemala, man-child Jamie's paranoia led to his early exit and last season we bid adieu to the very likable Sally.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Well, Candice's last name is "woodcock," which would make Beavis and Butthead's heads explode. Her bio is REALLY impressive--she was inspired by Survivor Africa to spend 10 weeks in a Kenyan mudhut while running an eye-clinic and teaching school. So, as a Survivor, she was annoying, but as a real life person, she seems pretty cool.

SURVIVOR 13.12

Best thing about the episode: a kick-ass shot of a skull with a moon in it's eye. Seriously, it rocked. When the moon hits your skull-eye like a big reward challenge pizza pie, that's Survivor. Jonathan basks in beating Candice. Then the episode gets serious when Parvati hacks up her hand really bad with the machete and she's quite brave and troopery about the whole thing, while Adam can't look and complains that Parvati's injury was really upsetting to his game, because he's a selfish toad. The Reward Challenge is also a time to reunite with family members: Jonathan's wife, Parvati's Dad, Adam's Dad, Becky's sister, Yul's brother, Ozzy's Mom, and Sundra's Mom. Everyone gets really weepy, and then happy because they get to compete with their loved ones in the challenge, which involves blindfolds and water buckets. The wounded Parvati wins, and gets to choose an exile, and only Jonathan's wife is surprised by this. The addition of humanizing family members has softened everyone;s hearts, and Parvati is almost apologetic, rather than smug. Jonathan's wife is so intense during the challenge, it makes America say, "Note to our collective self, no scrabble night at Jonathan and Stacy's. Then Jeff asks Parvati's dad to pick who gets to share in the big reward with their Survivor's, and he picks Sundra's mom and Adam's dad, but Yul, Becky and Ozzy get to go back to camp with their loved ones, so Jonathan is the only one that gets really screwed. Adam, Parvati and Sundra get to take part in this sacred ceremony in a fresh-water cave, while Ozzy fumes that Parvati was able to win because he's been providing her food. Yul, Becky and Ozzy all come to a war-time decision to hide food from Parvati and Adam, to weaken them during challenges. But then Adam, Parvati and Sundra return, laden with extra food from the reward, and they abort the anti-Geneva convention plot. Everyone seems to agree that life without Jonathan is a lot more "chill."

Jonathan returns from Exile to take part in the brutal Immunity Challenge, which Awesome Ozzy wins. Jeff asks the gang who's nervous about not having Immunity and Adam and Parvati raise their hands, but ominous music plays as the camera points out that Jonathan has not raised his hand--duhn duhn DUHN. Back at camp, everyone is ignoring Jonathan, rather obviously, so he realizes something's afoot. He asks Becky is they're still "cool," and when he asks is it's still Adam's turn to go, he's told "Isn't that what we said?" Which is a non-denial denial if I ever heard one. Jonathan goes to Yul and gets very heavy handed, demanding loyalty because he saved Yul and the Gang, which is true, but Nate saved Jonathan too, and look how Jonathan rewarded him? Turnabout is fairplay, suckuh! Yul sits and takes Jonathan's condescending lecture about how foolish it would be to spare Adam and Parvati, but he can't be crazy about Jonathan's tone. At Tribal Council, Parvati points out with glee at how happy camp was when Jonathan was in Exile. Jonathan tries to play the martyr about his "sacrifice" in turning against Nate and co., but it doesn't work, and he gets the boot. He asks if someone would please bring his hat back from the island, since he arrogantly didn't bring his possessions with him to Tribal.

Jonathan is ousted in 7th place. In the first season, Gervase's number came up, while in the Outback, we said goodbye to a handsome, black model-slash-law-student named Nick, who many still insist I made up. But no, this guy Nick really did outlast memorable players like Jerri and Kimmi. Fine, don't believe me. In Africa, we lost weird Army-guy Frank and in the Marquesas, we lost Tammy the crime writer who should've been interesting but turned out to be equal parts bitter and boring. In Thailand, we lost boring Penny, who was notable only in that I always remember she was a bitch to Shii Ann, aka the only likable person from Survivor: Thailand. In the Amazon, Alex became drunk with power, causing Rob C. to rethink his alliance with him and engineer his downfall. In the Pearl Islands we said hasta la vista to Tijuana, and in Vanuatu LeAnn was shockingly ousted when Twila opted out of the chicks-only club. LeAnn had been really likable until she decided to become Ami's stooge. In Palau, plucky Steph was sent packing, but she'd get another chance to win it all in Guatemala, where the 7th place finish was meant for Gary "No, really, I'm kinda famous if you're really really really into college football, and I mean really" Hogeboom. Last season, Bruce's mastery of kuh-rah-TAY could not help him defeat his own digestive troubles--he had to leave the game when his gastric distress became life-threatening (of course, what was important about that, was how upsetting it was to Courtney).

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Jonathan is not only an actor (who has appeared in "Seinfeld" and "CSI") but he received a 1994 Oscar nomination for a short film he co-produced and co-wrote!

SURVIVOR 13.13

Not a very memorable episode, in retrospect. There was that contest where they had to cover themselves with mud without carrying it? Cover themselves and get it back to their pots in their hair etc. Jeff made a comment about Adam's "long lean, legs," that was fraught with hoyay. Ozzy wins, and Parvati and Yul finish second and third and get to share a spa reward. Parvati takes the opportunity to try to seduce Ozzy away to her side, which only serves to alarm Yul and get her in front of Adam on the pecking order. Adam spent a miserable night in exile. Millipedes continued to abound. Becky toyed with turning on Ozzy and Ozzy toyed with siding with Adam and Parvati, but ultimatley Parvati gets sent packing. Yawn.

Parvati leaves us in 6th place, a place famous for PYT's such as herself. In Season One, plucky but doomed Colleen was cutdown by the Alliance of Evil. In Australia, we all assumed we'd seen the last of Jerri's stooge Amber, but she became an All-Star, a millionaire, Mrs. Boston Rob, and a reality show fixture. In Africa, Lil' Kim, the last of the friendship necklace alliance of 20-something slackers, went away while in the Marquesas, we lost The General, yet another unbearably boring and unmemorable contestant from that horrible season. In Thailand, we bid adieu to "coach" Jake--if you see him in a bar, don't tell him he didn't do his share around camp, or he'll cut ya! In the Amazon, deaf Christy, who I was really pulling for, shot herself in the foot (as was the way of Season 6) by giving Rob reason to doubt her loyalty. In the Pearl Islands, it was adios to hippie-chick Christa, aka Big Bird. Between "The General" and "Big Bird," I'm not sure if I'm talking about Survivor or the Manson Family. Anyhoo, this was a wonderful week in Vanuatu, as we were finally rid of Ami, the evil lesbian. In Palau, handsome but dull Gregg went home when Tom, Ian and Caryn beat him to the punch. In Guatemala, loud and boozy Judd got the boot, and wished crocodiles on those who betrayed him. Last season, we said farewell to Courtney, one of the most annoying contestants ever.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Parvati's last name is, no joke "Shallow." She spent the first 10 years of her life on a Florida commune.

SURVIVOR 13.14 FINALE--Finally!

Adam gets all sulky and, since he lacks the imagination to at least TRY to win anyone over (I do give Parvati credit for not giving up), he just isolates himself. Tarzan aka Ozzy wins immunity again--who cares if the guy did psuedo-porn, he's amazing--and Adam half-heartedly plots to steal the Idol from Yul, but of course, he doesn't. When we get to Tribal COuncil, Nate limps into the jury box, suffering from an injury that's never explained. Adam disses the remaining Final Four, Yul and the Gang aka the Boxcar Children, as being "boring" and "coattail riders," and the bitter and childish jury laps it up, but face it kids, you did it to yourselves. You chose to trust Jonathan, you continually lost challenge after challenge, you put yourselves out of the game. You LOST. Adam is voted out 4-1, and just like that Whitey's out of the game...

Adam was eliminated in 5th place, joining Dumb Dr. Sean, who was somehow a brain doctor. In the Outback, gentleman Rodger was sent packing while in Africa, sweet, noble T-Bird got her walking papers from Ethan and company. In the Marquesas, annoying Sean got the heave-ho while in Thailand, a bitter Ted was left reeling when Porn Star Brian showed his true colors. In the Amazon, we mercifully saw the end of Heidi and her fake boobs and in the Pearl Islands, we were not sorry to see smug Burton get voted off a second time. In Vanuatu, Julie lost her faith in Chris when he betrayed her, but she did gain a hot boyfriend in Jeff Probst. In Palau, Caryn the lawyer was kicked out, while in Guatemala, Cindy kept the car for herself and was quickly punished. Weird Shane was yet another unsuspecting eliminee last season.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

I'm trying real hard not to read anything creepy into the fact that he lists "Dakota Fanning" as his only favorite actress. That's weird, right?

So Yul, Becky, Sundra and Ozzy triumph over turncoats Jonathan and Candice, who's defection seemed to spell certain doom for the outnumbered Yul and the Gang. Now, we were left with easily the nicest, friendliest Final Four in Survivor History. All four get to take part in the famous "Survivor Fallen Comrade Ceremony" and they truly enjoy the time together. But then Jeff arrives (in the dreaded yellow shirt, no less) to spring an Immunity Challenge on them! They each have to stand barefoot on a perch, which gets smaller and smaller. Becky lasts 45 minutes before she falls, then Yul falls after over an hour. Ozzy keeps almost falling, but he keeps regaining his balance in dramatic fashion. "My nether regions are inching," he tells Jeff at one point, and America is happy to have that knowledge, Oz. Sundra lasts 2 and a half hours, but finally falls, leaving Ozzy the winner yet again! Afterward, Yul offers Becky the chance to use the Idol--which would force Sundra out of the game, but she declines. At Tribal, Becky explains to Jeff that the tribe has all agreed, since Yul and Ozzy both have Immunity, to have her and Sundra do a tie-breaker to decide who will be in the Final Three. This is a good move for Becky, who really doesn't need yet another example of "riding Yul's coattails" to add to the resume the jury has written for her (however unfairly). And playing Sundra like that would have also really hurt Yul's nice-guy cred, even if he was trying to honor his friendship with Becky. This scenario is a nicer-vibed re-run of LAST season's battle for third place, when Aras-backed Cirie lost a fire-building contest to Terry-backed Danielle. But nothing could really prepare us for how utterly unable to make fire Becky and Sundra were. After an hour of futility (and hilarious jury reaction shots), Jeff lets the girls use matches. And they still can't do it! Eventually, Sundra runs out of matches, and Becky wins.

Sundra finished in 4th place, where Stoopid Soo bid adieu in season One. In the Outback, Elisabeth was sent away from Survivor, but not from pop culture relevance as she is now mixing it up with Rosie and Joy on "The View." In Africa, Big Tom was stunned that Ethan and Lex voted him out instead of Old Kim and in the Marquesas, Paschal aka "Pappy" reached into the dreaded tie-breaker bag of rocks and was sent to the jury. In Thailand, clueless Helen was cut down and in the Amazon, good guy Butch lasted surprisingly long amid the den of vipers. In the Pearl Islands, the short-lived girl alliance that ousted Burton crumbled and pretty mortician Darrah was ousted. In Vanuatu, the car curse claimed Eliza, the girl America loved to be irritated by. In Palau, Greg's squeeze Jennifer was booted and in Guatemala we said goodbye to Lydia, the dancing coattail-rider. Last season, our hearts were broken when Cirie couldn't keep that damn fire lit.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Sundra is a first-generation American, born in Queens to Jamaican parents. She is an actress who's appeared in "CSI Miami" and "Sex and the City."

Back at camp, some Cook Islanders arrive with a feast for Yul, Ozzy and Becky. Ozzy knows that it's between him and Yul--he predicts, correctly, that Becky will not get a single vote from the jury. The Final Tribal Council begins with opening statements--lawyer Yul speaks to his leadership in getting his outmanned tribe to the Final Four, Becky reminds everyone that Survivor is a social game, which she feels she played well, and Ozzy touts his awesome physical game play.

Nate is the first to address the Finalists, and he gives them all props for getting where they are (calling Yul the Godfather Big Gangsta Boss), and he asks Ozzy how, besides his "warrior style" did he influence the course of the game. Ozzy boasts about how he engineered Billy's ouster (which hardly seems like a great move, unless he's angling for Candice's vote?), and he says that he played up the "I'm just a simple surfer dude" bit. Yul tells the next juror, Jenny, that he let Ozzy take a lot of the heat in the challenges. Parvati asks Becky to defend her place in the game, as she's "sitting between giants." Becky says she's not a sneaky person, and reminds them that she chose to fight for Immunity last night, even though Yul offered the easy way out to her. When Rebecca asks the jurors to "tell her something she doesn't know" about them, Yul speaks compeelingly about how it was his goal to present to the American viewing audience a positive Asian Man role-model. The speech goes over so well, that Ozzy swaps Mexican for Asian, and repeats Yul's speech. Adam gets up and, in typical lame, whiny, immature Adam fashion, says, "You guys are totally boring, and I'm bored, so Ozzy,m I want you to talk trash about Yul and Becky." Ozzy claims that Yul didn't work as hard as he could have, and that Becky rode coattails, blah blah blah." He acurately points out that Becky's inability to start that fire was embarrasing, but Becky and Sundra had to compete in every team Immunity Challenge, and did impressivly in the individual challenges. Coattails? And Ozzy was protected in the voting by Becky and Sundra. Candice gives Yul an ultimatum (after praising the three for surviving her mutiny) telling him he has her vote if he answers a question with a simple Yes or No answer, and if he elaborates, she'll vote for Ozzy. Yul chokes over the word "shamelessly" that Candice applies to his control of the game, but does give a one-word answer, and it's unclear whether is objection about "shamelessly" has cost him her vote. Brad is nice to everyone, and asks the panel to discuss their most challengeing experiences in life. Ozzy gets tearful when he discusses growing up without his father--the jury is moved, as is Yul, who gives him a big hug. Sundra is all smiles, calling the trio "mi gente," which means "My people," and tells them all it was a pleasure being in their tribe. She asks them to each realte what they have learned about themselves. Ozzy gives a nonsense hippy answer about, "Pure Love, man!" While Becky gets the jury to smile as she discusses how hard but rewarding it has been for her to live a life without watches and schedules. Yul says he has gained self-confidence. Look in the mirror, Yul, you're a stud! Jonathan commends yul, telling him he should run for office. He assk Yul if he's decieved people in the game, and Yul says that he has and that it's just a game, and he'd never treat people in real life the way he did in the game. Jonathan tells Ozzy that he's an arrogant punk, and wonders how giving him a million dollars would help him. Ozzy claims he'd go back to college and found some kind of surfing charity. Jonathan then disses Becky by not bothering to ask her anything. Brrrrrrr!

At the Hollywood Finale (gone are the clever exit/entrances of yore, like Jeff on the subway with the vote jar), we are reunited with the cleaned-up cast. Ozzy looks way-worse sans facial hair. The votes are read and it's a close one! Yul wins! 5-4! I was very glad. Ozzy wouldn't have been terrible, but Yul is such a good guy, and it's so wonderful to have that kind of winner. In the end, Yul got votes from Sundra, Jonathan, Adam, Candice and Brad, while Ozzy got votes from Parvati, Nate, Jenny and Rebecca. Ozzy looked a little sick when Adam revealed that he only voted for Yul because he'd given his word to him that he would, if Yul ousted jonathan before him. Jeff looked quite studly in a tight sweater. Jonathan declared, "There's no villain in monopoly," which probably depends on what your family's like. Then Jeff reveals that this year, CBS viewers got to reward a Survivor with a 2008 Mercury Mariner, which is awarded to Ozzy. Yes, folks: The car curse even works in reverse!

Becky wound up in third place, joining cantankerous vet Rudy, obnoxious chef Keith, annoying tattooed dude Lex, Krazy yet lovable Kath, crazy old Jan, crafty and humoerous Rob, evil Johnny Fairplay, lucky lay-about lesbian Scout who somehow made it to 3rd place while almost never really participating in a challenge, lanky and lovable Ian, Rafe the gay Mormon, and last year's Terry the insufferable "Navy guy." I'm still glad he didn't win.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Becky is also a first-generation American, born to South Korean-born parents in Flushing, New York. She was on the University of Michigan women's boxing team and has served as a kick-boxing teacher--too bad we never got to see her and Parvati throw down.

Ozzy falls just short of the million. He joins other second-place finishers Kelly, who was held to a higher standard than the creepier Hatch, dear gentleman Colby (who also lost by a vote), Old Kim who benefitted from being in an alliance, Oh My Heck Neleh, odious Clay, Weird Matt, whiny Lill, the girl Boy Scout who had no business being let back in the game, let alone winding up in spitting distance of the grand prize! Agh! Still makes me mad! Other second placers: Tricky Twila, mean puppet show creator Katie, tough chick Steph, who did deserve a second chance, and last season, Boston Danielle was our runner-up.

EVICTED SURIVOR FUN FACT

Ozzy owns land in Panama and can hold his breath underwater for three minutes--don't try this at home, folks!

Yul wins!!! :D :D :D He's easily one of the most likable winners. I almost said deserving, but...I really do think that anyone who manages to survive and win this game deserves to win. Yul joins evil tax-dodger Rich, Steel Magnolia Tina, good and beautiful Ethan, cunning and invisible Vecepia, Porn Star Brian, catalog-model Jenna, funny and sneaky Sandra, crafty charmer Chris, Fireman-dictaor Tom, Danni the sports reporter babe, and last year, the millon went to Yoga-punk Aras.

SURVIVOR FUN FACTS

Yul is freakin' awesome, he's a lawyer, a computer nerd with an interest in ultimate fighting, he attended the U.S. Marine Corps' officer's candidate school...let's face it, Yul is probably a secret agent. The name is Kwon, Yul Kwon. And yes, he hails from Concord, California same as me :)

Season 14. 1 Review to follow shortly! Let the games begin!

Christine :D