Survivor 14.1 "Askew means not orthogonal."

Ahoy, and welcome to season 14 of Survivor! It started out similar to previous seasons, with Jeff trying to scare us with tales of snakes, skulls, sharks and cannibalism, even though Fiji is a well-known surfing mecca and vacation destination for the jet-set. He even tantalizes us with news that a contestant quit moments before this season was to start, because Fiji is soooo unknown, but I read in TV Guide that the girl in question suffers from claustrophobia, not a fear of ancient cannibalistic customs. Jeff tells us there are two Immunity Idols, and that there are different rules about them, which will be revealed later. 39 days! 19 people! One Survivor!!! :D

ALL TOGETHER NOW

All the Survivors are dispatched to the same beach at first, a situation we saw in Palau as well. I told you last season that I enjoyed the small tribes, which allowed personalities to show quicker, but this year, nope, 19 people all at once--good luck figuring out who everyone is, right? Well, one thing about this season is everyone has a nickname--at least amongst the guys. I think they're trying to put blogging pundits like me, who like to come up with our own monikers for these people, out of business! We've got a Mookie, a Dreamz, a Papa Smurf, a Rocky and a Boo. Plus a guy who's real name is the nickname-sounding Yau-man (pronounced Yow-man). I'm not making any of those up, either. Papa Smurf is a bearish father-figure, Rocky is a droopy-eyed Bostonion with Survivor's favorite freakin' accent, Dreamz is former street kid turned cheerleading coach, Yau-man is an Island-survival guru, originally from Borneo (site of Survivor, season one). In my mind's eye, he is wearing a pith helmet. Everyone is excited to find water, and a cool cave for shelter, but they are also wary and confused about the lack of Jeff, instructions, flags or machetes. Suddenly a plane appears in the sky, and Jeff kicks out a large crate. Some of the guys try to open it with a rock, but wise Yau-man is there to throw the crate onto a rock, hitting the corner ans splitting it open. inside is a map to building supplies and instructions on how to build a living area, the likes of which have never been scene on Survivor--it will have a kitchen and a picnic table. You know how I'm always complaining that these people never seem to have watched the show? Mercifully, this bunch seems suitably nervous. Alex, a handsome Latino yuppie, puts it best, "Something very cruel is gonna happen." The Survivors get to the supplies and find shingles for a roof, nails, lumber and a toilet seat. "I'll say it again: a Toilet seat," one Survivor who's name I forgot to write down in my notes said (Yeah, I gotta work out the bugs of this, watch only once plan of mine.) Sylvia, a 40-something Asian woman, just so happens to be an architect, so she quickly finds herself in a leadership role, which she takes to like a duck to water, which seems to chafe Gary, the guy who winds up being called Papa Smurf. Sylvia is a bit stuffy: in a classic exchange, dimwit Rocky doesn't know what she means by the word, "askew," and she replies, "Askew means not orthogonal." Thank you, Lt. Commander Data. Yau-man quickly makes a good impression on the group by showing them how to open coconuts for food. "You're the professor on this Gilligan's Island," praises a black guy named Earl. Later that night, as the group huddles on the floor of the cave and tries to sleep, a wound-up and shouty Dreamz seems unable to settle down, and his rants on various topics, including race, starts to irk the group, especially the equally volatile James-who-should-be-Rocky-and-is. A sensitive crab scuttles out of the cave to avoid the conflict. The next morning, Rocky is upset with himself for losing control, but the story of the once homeless Dreamz, who probably wasn't socialized the same way the other Survivors were, is one to watch...

REWARD AND IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

The gang gathers at the Challenge beach, where Jeff quizzes the group. When no one argues the fact that Sylvia's the group's early leader, since she knew what to do with the architectural plans, he gives her the job of dividing the team into two, which she does swiftly, confidently, and with no visible trepidation. The lime-green buffed Moto tribe consists of Lillian, Cassandra, Stacy, Leci, Dreamz, Boo, Papa Smurf aka Gary, Alex and Ed. The orange buffed Ravu tribe consists of Michelle, Erica, Rita, Jessica, Rocky, earl, Yau-man, Anthony and Mookie. And I don't know the difference between most of those people either. It is at least as racially-diverse as last season's group, if not more so--in other words, I'm not sure if there are fewer white people, but there's definitely fewer blondes. Sylvia is now odd-person out, and Jeff then tells her that she's going to Exile immediately, and that she really, really, really needs to watch out for the sea snakes over there. Really. She will join the losing team, replacing the first evictee. Jeff then unveils the kick-ass and freaky Immunity Idol, that's like, a skull with bones raiding out of it, like some sort of Heavy Metal nightmare sun, that's on a staff. It rocks! Then Jeff reveals the big twist--the winners will get to go back to the shelter they've all worked so hard to build, which will include a couch, and the losers will be sent to a crappy beach with no shelter, no supplies, and no flint. Just a pot and a machete. The challenge is a chariot race, with people instead of horses, and of course they have to get puzzle pieces because there must always be freakin' puzzle pieces. Puzzle pieces, scary freaky bugs, and someone with a grating Boston accent: That's Survivor in a nutshell. Anyway, Moto wins.

UPTRIBE, DOWNTRIBE

Moto arrives at their chi-chi shelter, complete with sofa and sewing machine. Alex states, "It was a huge boost of morale to win that first challenge." Um, DUH, you have a freakin' couch! And bags or rice! And fire! And cutlery! And hammocks! And a shower! And a toilet seat! I'll say it again: a toilet seat! CBS: I know Survivor. Survivor is a favorite show of mine. This is not Survivor. On Sea Snake Island (and no, Jeff wasn't hyperbolizing this time, the place is seasnakarific), Sylvia climbs to the top of the Island, in a cool little lookout hut that CBS lawyers probably made Mark Burnett build, to protect exiles from the sea snakes. Sylvia, who really got rooked if you asked me, having no chance to be on the spoiled tribe, all because she knew how to read a blue-print, gets her first clue to the Idol's location--it tells her it's back at her camp. She sighs and returns her attention to the spectacular Fijian panorama: a view with a clue...

Meanwhile, the Ravu losers all try to make the best of their situation by making "who needs a lousy shelter" jokes. The importance of positive thinking and bravado is completely lost on cranky Erica, who raves, "I'm pissed off and I can't believe on one else is!" C'mon, Erica, when life gives you lemons...wait...the other tribe got all the lemons, too, never mind. She, Rocky and Jessica from an alliance and vow not to vote for one another. America cringes when Rocky calls the Asian Michelle, by way of praising her tree-climbing ability, "a little ninja." They all decide that this woman named Rita is the weakest link. Then we see a horrible, horrible spider of horrible horribleness--body like a snow globe and eight wooded-spoon legs--that apparently symbolizes "a tribal mood shift," because many of the other Ravuans have decided that Jessica is the weak link--and she DID fail to put together the part of the puzzle she was responsible for, so there's some "fairness" for her paying for it, many feel. Rita declares that the young woman is "flying under the radar," a truly ridiculous accusation to make on Day Two. Erica and Rocky are stunned at this shift, and reaffirm to each other that they will never, NEVAH! put her name down, but...they don't give Jessica a heads up either...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

This season, Tribal Council is in a kick-ass Tree House! Yeah! Thought the skull-encrusted fire pit? Way over the top. Then Jeff reveals the game's second major twist: Fire no longer represents life, SKULLS DO!!!! Just kidding :D The tribe puts on their brave faces and tell Jeff they're ready to deal with the reality of their Reality Show situation. Even Erica seems to have drunk the Kool-aid...oh, wait, no, the other tribe got all the Kool-aid. Anyway, she seems to have bought the party line as she tells Jeff they're pleased with their, "abundance of coconuts." It really is interesting, because I find myself automatically feeling like I SHOULD root for the underdog Ravu tribe, even though several of them really annoy me (Erica and Rocky), and despite the fact that Moto has done nothing wrong--they won the challenge before them and now sit in the lap of luxury. Yau-man frets that he may be vulnerable because of his age but his survival skills have made him vital to this deprived group. Mookie says the decision to night, for him, is as simple as "Can this person be replaced by Sylvia," and that's a little cold but it's also a lot true: there's no net loss to the tribe in terms of numbers. But, it's not an easy vote for anyone else--there's no one who's lazed around while the others worked, no one who's made weird statements about their bowel movements...no blatant jerks. In the end, Jessica votes for Rita, Rocky and Erica cast meaningless votes for Yau-man and Mookie, and everyone else votes for a stunned Jessica (Yau-man, who I heart, apologies, "This is strictly mercenary. Nothing personal". Turns out her pals didn't write her name down...but they also didn't right down a name that would help her. Not a bad move on their parts, really, as it keeps people guessing, and doesn't reveal their fledgling alliance. Ravu then sulks off after Jeff tells them they won't be getting fire until they win it. HARSH!

Jessica is ousted in 19th place. In Palau, Wanda, the woman who wrote and sang songs about Survivor, was not chosen to be part of one of the tribes. Last Season, Ozzy engineered his tribe's defeat in order to evict Billy, the Heavy Metal guy, who famously declared his love for Candice, which he somehow believed was mutual. Oh, that Billy!

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

I gotta believe that a girl who would list "eating pancakes" as one of her hobbies was probably someone we would've liked to get to know better, but C'est La Survivor!

Next up...are the tribes gonna stay rich tribe poor tribe til the merge? Will Boo kill himself with a hammock? I dunno, we'll find out!

Peace Out! :D

Christine