Survivor Week 12---the Phantom Menace!

Because, like Star Wars: the Phantom Menace, it wasn't all that exciting,
but there was some cool stuff at the end which implied that the next one
might be cool--plus good music. And, I suppose Tom could be construed as a
phantom menace...nah.

For all the naysayers, Survivor has been in the top 3 the last few weeks,
with 19 million viewers. I wish they'd do Survivor 4 over the summer,
especially if its another suckfest at the box-office (I'll be there, George
Lucas, but my expectations are low *fist shaking*). But it'll probably be
a
regular season show :( It will be set on another island, near Tahiti,
which I think is cool. It'll be fun to kick it old school and watch people
get "voted off the island."

The episode opens with manly Ethan pouring spring water into the water
tower thing. Everyone else has wasted away (Lex looks like a heron addict)
but good and noble Ethan has remained ripped. Those arms! *sigh* Ethan is
stoked to
still be around, "We started with 16, and it's down to 5--dude, I'm in the
playoffs!" Speaking of the playoffs, if you think *I'm* embarrassing,
gushing over Ethan as I do, wait 'til you hear the FOX commentators go on
and on about *their boyfriend* Brett Farve, who can do no wrong, even when
he's being a complete idiot, during the 49er-Packer game this Sunday. GO
NINERS! Plant that pill-poppin' hillbilly in the icy Lambeau tundra.

ANYWAY, Everyone's tired. The lions, the monkey's, the Survivor's. They
should have inserted shots of people yawning at home on our couches. When
the tribe starts talking about how poor their circulation is, Lex has to
out-do everyone, "Oh it's not just my arm that's asleep. It's my head, my
legs, my ass--but the gut's ever vigilant, mind you. The gut doesn't
sleep, man!" Then he goes on and on about how he never expected it to be
SO HARD in every way, but he won't give in, "I'm no punk, man, I ain't no
sissy. Would a sissy wear these cool Ray-ban's all the time? Would a
sissy have a FREAKIN COOL tattoo of an eightball with a knife going through
it on his leg???" I get the impression that Lex is talking to the
cameraman 24/7.

SO, the tribe goes down to the spring to get water, and find an Uberturd in
the water--the elephants are dissin' Motomaji! Tom says, "Ahnt ta behn
harmenee w'all da hemals en duh people. Bet ehts hord teh do, speshly
dount t'end." No, REALLY, that's what he said. I don't know if it was
funny or not, someone let me know! Then he reveals that OnlyKim has been
washing in turd water the whole damn time, and he tried to tell her and she
wouldn't listen. Several things bother me about this: A) Ewwww. I mean,
that's the best footage you have? Kim washing herself with dirty water?
She's watching this with her family, you know. B) You can't tell me *any*
of that water is clean. What's the rule here, two feet downstream from the
elephant toilet is gross, but eight feet is Evian country? C) MAYBE SHE
JUST DIDN"T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU SAID TOM!

"Washing in dung-infested water" becomes "Reason 34 I can't actually try to
go on Survivor myself." You know what they say, those who can't do,
commentate (Yeah, Collinsworth, I'm talking to you!).

Then Lex informs us, "Boredom has become a reality." No sh**. I could
have told you that two weeks ago. He continues, "We're obviously not very
interesting people. We've run out of things to say and do." Okay, 1) they
have a set of cards and a checkers game. 2) I guaran-damn-tee you that *I*
would not run out of things to say in a mere 35 days. Somewhere, Abby, my
former office mate, is rolling her eyes in agreement ;) Then we get AN
ENTIRE SEGMENT ABOUT TOM'S STINKY FEET. And in doing so, Mark Burnett
hands next year's reality show Emmy to the Amazing Race. Ethan says,
"Tom has the stinkiest feet I've ever smelled and I'm a professional
athlete. I'm in and out of dozens of locker rooms a year." Tom redeems
himself by effortlessly catching "Potpie" the chicken as it tries to escape
(out of the human camp into the Lion's den--no one ever said chicken's had
brains). "His feet stink, but he's got great hands--goalie hands," Ethan
raves.

Then the "tree mail" comes. Lex looooves saying "tree mail," "It's like
EMAIL, only it's TREE mail, 'cuz it comes from the tree, get it?" Everyone
gets letters from home. Lex says, "I got letters from my old lady, from
the little Lex's, and from my parents, Rosemary and Lucifer. This would
really nourish my soul, if I had one." T-bird is moved to tears by a
letter from her ill father. Tom reads aloud from his son's letter: "Don
furgen the prres's awn soef yew felawk been uh puss, jes member ya gottuh
ephold meh reppatashun, nowet ahm deh beeg Dawg." Well, Tom understood it
and it made him laugh, and that's really the important thing. The depth of
my Ethan Obsession was revealed to me by my anxiety over who Ethan was
getting letters from, and my utter sense of joy and relief when he didn't
mention getting a note from his girlfriend. OnlyKim gets a poem from her
man.

Back at camp, they get....

A REWARD HAIKU!!!! And it's totally lame. I'm not saying you *can't*
rhyme haiku, but I think they're more enigmatic and cool when you don't.
The Survivor's even get into an argument about what a Haiku is: Lex
pretends to know by saying, "That's a haiku," and they fret about having to
write one. For the record it's 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables.
Like:

My haiku is best
I should work on Survivor
Then poems wouldn't suck

The reward is a secret, and to win it, they have to do a Swahili word
search. Which leads us to our first quiz in a few weeks:

Which of these Swahili Word Scramble words should have been used instead of
boring "Boron"?

A) Vongonya
B) Shaba
C) Chakula
D) Matwana

Bonus props for any of you who use one of those words to name your dog, cat
or goldfish. Or your next baby if you're really feeling bold.

Anyway, the Survivors have to find twelve Swahili words in the word search,
then take letters ala "jumble," then solve a riddle. Lex, who's been
eating every once in a while, thanks to reward wins, is at a great
advantage. Asking Tom to read Swahili is just plain cruel. Lex wins
easily, and Ethan throws his chalk angrily at the board. I won't throw the
yellow card for unsportsmanlike behavior, since I totally agree. Ethan
then physically recoils from Lex when he hugs him. Lex wins a cool Chevy
Avalanche--which kicks the Pontiac Aztek's butt, btw. I hate Rich and Sue,
but I have to acknowledge that they're right about how winning to much can
work against you. I never bought the theory coming form them since the
torpid twosome was unlikely to win anything ever, and it always sounded
like smug grapes, "We never wanted to win those stupid rewards!' When
let's face it, Kelly just plain kicked their (rather substantial) butts!
But you can see that Lex's
winning almost everything is REALLY affecting the group, especially Ethan
who says, "I'm just sick and tired of him winning everything, and I'm sick
of pretending to be happy for him, because I'm NOT!"--music to my ears! :)
Maybe Ethan doesn't want to go in with Lex after all. You have the power
Ethan, you really really do.

Jeff tells Lex that he gets to be a goodwill ambassador. "Survivors: you
know. Global AIDS: real big problem. Reward: Delivering supplies to a
hospital." What does Jeff have against pronouns--did they do something
mean to him when he was a kid, or did he merely lose them in
the divorce? Then we find out that Teresa lost her brother to AIDS 11
years ago. Okay, so her Dad's dying, her brother's dead, she's the last of
Samburu yet she always has that Little Orphan Annie pluck--if this show was
written, I'd say they were laying it on too thick.

Lex and Jeff hit the road. Poor Jeff earns his paycheck by having to
listen to Lex obsess about "Survivor." "I've been ruminating on the word
'Survivor" this whole time, but man, I never *really* GOT it, dig? It
means, like, LIVING man, like far-out. I'm playing this crazy Survivor
game, and ironically, it never dawned on me what its true meaning was until
just now. People with AIDS are the REAL Survivors!" Maybe you'll want to
ruminate on the word "ironic" next, Lex. Then Lex repeats everything Jeff
JUST told us seconds before, in that Ubersincere
"Nobody's-EVER-thought-of-this-before rasp of his he uses when he wants to
convey how *deep* he is. I swear he'd tell us "Man, have you ever noticed
that the sky is like, BLUE?? I was just noticing it the other day when I
went to pick up the *TREE MAIL*"

Hey, boys, if you really want to be "Survivors", buckle up your damn
seatbelts! >:(

They get to the hospital, which Lex refers to as "self-sufficient" even
though Jeff just got done explaining how they depend on donations--like the
one Lex himself is delivering from CBS. I half-expected Les Moonves to
show up with an oversized check, but it was surprisingly restrained--Jeff
never even mentions that the donation is coming from CBS, and there are no
eye logos painted on the sides of the crates. Lex basks in the glow of
all the attention and talks about how life-changing it all is, blah blah
blah.

I am sick and tired of "The Lex Van Den Berghe Hour."

And so is the rest of Moto Maji. Tom tells us that there's a lot of
animosity towards Lex. He actually says "animosity," too--is this the
brilliant strategist forgetting to wrap his two-dollar words in cornpone?
Then he inexplicably starts talking about lions. He says that everyone's
been asking him about "his lions," whatever *that* means. Eh, what's that?
Oh "his ALLIANCE," you say? Ah, yes, well that makes sense. OnlyKim
asks Tom what's up, and Tom ducks the issue, saying that he and Lex and
Ethan were an alliance, and no one's told him otherwise and he's done his
best to use his power for good and do-right by the people that are nice to
him--so watch yer step, missy! Tom sees himself as Big Papa Bear, the
benevolent dictator of Boron. He's a big...something, all right. Is it
just me, or does he come off stoned half the time?

OnlyKim then warns Ethan that Lex and Tom want to come down together at the
end, and Ethan says, "I know." I think Tom does indeed want to end up with
Lex, but Lex is a wild card. He doesn't realize how odious he is, whereas
Tom knows he can be little hard to take. Then she says, "Christine, I must
reiterate that I'm NOT stupid, as you asserted weeks ago. The three guys
have been an alliance since we got here, so I had to work at just being
number four. now that I'm almost there, I can start working on moving up
the order--if that's all right with you?" You go girl! She tells Ethan,
if he can't get rid of one of them this week, then he'd better do it next.
Ethan is too nice a guy for Lex OR Tom to be sitting next to. Personally,
I think Ethan can beat anyone if he makes it to the final two.

Lex returns, and everyone is still bitter. They down jump up to greet him,
and they aren't all jazzed to hear his tales of honor and conquest--which
doesn't sit well with the gut. "The vibe was real heavy, man. The losers
were all, like, freezing me out, and I was wigging, man. It was funky.
Like when you go to the Boardwalk, and the Giant Dipper is closed, dig?"

Ethan wonders, "Lex is winning, eating, resting--in what kind of messed-up
alternate dimension is Lex able to beat me at anything??" Next morning,
Lex pumps OnlyKim for info about why no one knelt and kissed his ring when
he returned to camp. She shines him on, pushing all the right buttons, "Oh
Lex, we weren't mad at you. We envy you. If anything, we were angry at
ourselves because, try as we might, we can't seem to best you at anything!"

And then it FINALLY GETS INTERESTING!

The episode, not this review. If you're not interested by now, you should
just delete and move on 'cuz its just more of the same.

Tom sort of sneaks up and hears Lex refer to himself as vulnerable. Then
OnlyKim reveals to us that Tom has, on several occasions, told him that it
might be a good idea to eliminate Lex, but that he couldn't vote for him
(perhaps still bonded by the "baby-shoe blood pact" of week 1 or 2. I
think that crafty country bear is trying to load Lex up with votes to
protect himself if there's a tie. When Ethan, sick of losing to the freak,
suggests out-and-out screwing the alliance and dumping Lex, Tom is again,
evasive. He says they formed an alliance, and maybe they should just stick
with it, and see where it goes, which doesn't sit too well with Ethan who
complains, "I came into this game wanting to end up winning by going head
to head with the best people--not these inferiors!" Be still my heart!
Vanquish the scuzzy Lex, Sir Ethan!

Kim tells T-Bird that Ethan is angry with himself for not viewing Lex as a
threat until it was too late. Teresa has the line of the season: "All
y'all want to get him off, none of you want to do it!" Word! She says
she's happy that Kim is finally wising up and coming around to the notion
of dismissing Lex--so she thought Kim was stupid too:)

Tom find a purty necklace in the box--which turns out to have *nothing* to
do with the challenge *at all*. "Looky whu' I found A tisket a tasket, ah
found something in the basket." The CBS Immunity challenge poem? Even
worse than that. There's no meter, and it's just a lame excuse to rhyme
"Choose" and "Lose," like that's never been none before? Is that all you
got CBS? Next time, you better BRING IT!

Learn from past mistakes
Grueling Physical Challenge
Goodbye Teresa

The well-rested and protein-laden Lex kicks everyone's torpid butts. Ethan
is pissed, which is encouraging. Lex celebrates--i wanna smack him. And
he has Hitler-hair, there I said it.

Back at camp, T-bird makes a last-ditch effort to turn the fickle and
paranoid Lex against Tom. Lex is pretty much saying goodbye to her here,
"We're tight, chick. We'll talk back in the world, dig?" He looks ready
to a guest spot on "Oz." He tells us, "She's in a mess of hurt." Which
just shows you how way-too-seriously he takes this. She's not dying, Lex.
Teresa, meanwhile, is playing him like a violin...no, its not that hard...
She's playing him like a kazoo. Several weeks ago, Alicia from last year's
Survivor!
said in TV Guide that she expected Teresa to do well because she's a flight
attendant, and therefore "used to being nice to people she doesn't like."

"Lex," T-bird gives him a self-deprecating smile, "You know I'm going
tonight, so do I. And...out of the goodness of my heart--just so that I
can leave with a clean conscience, I have to confess something to you."
"Anything, T-Bird. You know that. My gut has always told me to trust you.
We're like, connected, you dig?" "I do, Lex, I appreciate that I really
do," *bats eyes* "I...cast that vote for you. The little one that sent you
into a psychotic tailspin? I didn't mean nothin' by it Lex, aw...you must
know that, right? I want you to do well--and so you need to be right
careful." Lex is very moved by her admission. He refers to the vote as
"the one I thought *might* have been cast by Kelly." Yeah, Lex, *might.*
Whatever.

Then she tells him the reason she voted for Lex was that *a little bird*
told her to, but that she can't say who that was. She keeps smiling
nervously throughout the whole encounter, which leads me to believe she's
lying. I think she chose Lex rather randomly when she decided she couldn't
vote against the doomed Clarence. So Lex says, "Wow, I sure hope its Kelly
because otherwise, I'm a complete moron who turned on a friend because
Brandon bewitched me." And Teresa just stares at him. She doesn't say
ANYTHING. And the highly suggestible Lex suddenly says, "Did TOM tell you
not to trust me? That's the only thing that makes any sense!!" It's like
"The Crucible," I saw Tom Buchanan dancing in the wood! With poppets!"
Lex is in overdrive now, "It all fits!" Lex tells us that Teresa nodded to
confirm that Tom sold him out, which we don't see on camera. I'm not
saying she didn't, but it's also possible that T-Bird doesn't have to work
*at all* to get Lex all riled up and paranoid.

Then OnlyKim joins in, telling Lex that Tom told her to vote for Lex on
several occasions, but that he didn't want to know anything about it.
Teresa tells us that Tom wants lex gone, but wants to remain the "good
guy." He doesn't want to get his hands dirty. If it (please, no) comes
down to Lex and Tom in the end, T-bird *might* vote in Lex's favor. I
think Teresa's wrong that Tom wants Lex gone. He just wants him vulnerable
in a tie, and in need of Big Dog's help. Lex, playing for the camera as
usual, whispers in dawning horror, "Do you....think the jury....knows this
evil side of Tom that...doesn't want me to win? Do you think they have any
idea what he's like???" And the girls shake there heads woefully, "No, the
jury thinks he's a big ol' teddy bear--it's tragic, really. I'd sure hate
to go up against him in the final two, that's for sure!" Tee hee hee. Lex
really thinks that he's cool and he has a shot in the vote. he thanks a
guilt-ridden T-Bird for her help, as though she's just literally pulled him
from a burning building. "The game is suddenly sinister," he laments, "I
thought it was only Kelly and Frank who hated me. But its Tom! And Ethan!
And those damn Freemasons! They're trying to kill me! They're trying to
steal my million dollars, man! That ain't cool!" OnlyKim, meanwhile, is
in agreement with Teresa that Tom isn't as nice a guy as he lets on, and
that he can't be trusted.

Lex tells us that *now* he's ready to defeat his enemy. "I'm in cutthroat
mode, man. If he's gonna try and screw with Led, and stab me in the back?
I'll cut his THROAT!" And yes, in actuality he did use three murderous
allusions in one short paragraph--yeep!

*Insert of MotoMaji's flag symbolically falling to the ground*

Tribal council. Frank enters wearing a sarong, I kid you not. Full of
surprises, our Frank. Kelly enters wearing a black tank top emblazoned
with the word "Shameless" in silver. Jeff smiles, "Well, I have to call
attention to something I noticed when the jury walked in: Kelly's breasts.
Er...I mean, her tanktop. Specifically, ahem, what's written on it: The
word "shameless." Obviously, a reference to the other night when you
called them all losers, Lex." Lex tries to spin it, "Well Jeff, it depends
on what your definition of the word loser is. The Walk of Shame is one of
those cool phrases we came up with, like Motomaji--which means hot water?
OR Tree mail...get it? [at this point, Brandon leans in to whisper
something to Lil' Kim--and my guess is that he's saying that Lex was the
one who coined the phrase] Instead of...well, anyway, I didn't mean
anything by it, and we all said it, and I can't really worry about how
certain whiny crybaby backstabbing LOSERS might interpret it, OK?"

Jeff asks Tom if he tries to be more careful about what he says when he's
in front of the jury. Jeff, what does it matter? they can't understand a
damn word he's saying anyway! Tom does his "I'm just lovable, ignorant Big
Tom, ya gotta love me!" schtik. Jeff asks Ethan if he's more perceptive at
this stage of the game, more aware of things around him. Ethan chuckles
good-naturedly, "Jeff, I may be young, great-looking, athletic, witty,
well-educated, kind and hard-working, but I'm not a superhero. I'm weak
and tired. I'm not a threat, and I don't think I'm better than my
friends...my good friends, on the jury. Please don't be jealous of me.
I'm Ethan, that's all. *Applause*

Jeff mentions that T-Bird is the last of the Samburans, and she jokingly
wishes he hadn't reminded Boron. She knows she's a goner, and kinda twists
the knife a little. She says she's grateful that she got to know Ethan and
OldKim before the merge. They cut to Tom pouting here--I think he's too
dense to realize she's talking about the time she spend with the tribe
whilst he was dispatching Lindsey from the game over at Samburu. Then Jeff
makes the mistake of asking Tom another question--if he has a game plan he
rambles on and
on--as though stoned, back me up here--until Jeff has to cut him off and
tell them to vote. Does Tommy still have some Bourbon in his pocket from
the
Safari??

Everyone on Boron votes for T-Bird, while she votes for Tom. Though she
ranks 5th, along with Dr. Dumb Sean and good ol Rodger, She also shares the
"last of the losing tribe slot" with fellow national sweethearts, Colleen
and Elisabeth. Tonight: Three Hour Survivorganza!!! I predict *fingers
crossed* Ethan wins it all. If he sides with Kim, he can beat Tom or Lex
even if they do try to oust him--both of them have votes and he doesn't.
Hopefully, they can oust Lex first. If Lex wins immunity, they can dump
Tom but Lex could be a real threat to win the final immunity and choose...I
think he'd go in with Ethan, thinking OldKim more of a sympathy threat.
But I don't think anyone beats Ethan in the final vote. Go
Ethan! Go Niners! Peace, Christine :)

Survivor 3.11--CBS is yanking my chain!

I think. And, as someone who is essentially giving them
free publicity every week, I'm a little hacked off about it.
I know, I know, they have to keep everything a secret,

and I have always enjoyed their little games in the past.

But, that ad they ran for last week's episode was such bs.

It's one thing to say, "It's the men vs. the women!" and then

that turns out not to be true. I can handle that. But that clip

of OldKim saying, "It's gonna be one interesting tribal council,

that's for sure."??? Was that even from this episode?

Because it sure as h-double-runga-sticks wasn't an interesting

tribal council, so what gives? Then again, Kim Johnson *could*

have said it, she could have been lying to the camera the same

way she apparently has been to T-bird...or the way she's been

lying to herself if she thinks she stands a chance of breaking

up the boys club without help. Anyway, #6 holds steady as

the "PYT" slot, as Lil Kim joins Amber and Colleen as 11th out,

a message from Playboy awaits her on the voicemail.

The episode opens with the little Survivors sleeping in their nets.

Ethan and Lex are up early. Lex needs Ethan to help him strap

on this FREAKING COOL bracelet he made, "Am I awesome or what?

Tie it REALLY TIGHT, I'm gonna wear it forever, man."

Ethan tells us, "I'm very ALONE. I'd like to make it very

clear that I've only known these people for a short time
and if YOU, America, were stuck out here for 39 days,

maybe you would have made an alliance with Lex too

VERY EARLY ON and THEN discovered he's a weird,

paranoid creep a little later but by then it'd be to late

and in order to make it to the end game, you'd have to

still pretend to give a rat's butt about his uberspoons and

uberbraclets and...please don't lose respect for me, America,

I'm still the same good and true Ethan I always was! Honest!"

Ethan and Lex get the mail. It's this cool flip book.

Reward Haiku reads:

Time to see loved ones
Cry on national TV
I'll still hate you, Lex.

Everyone gets to see clips of loved ones. Dates on some

of the tapes reveal that this season was taped in late July--

so the two finalists have to wait over five months to find

out if they won? That's harsh. Although I'm not sure if

they're waiting this year, CBS hasn't said. Ethan's
mom seems tipsy. Old Kim's family seems rich.

T-bird's little kids are adorable, and her parents call her T-bird.

Tom's Dad and his son, Bo, are both as incoherent as he is,

and his wife is just as inappropriate, goin' on about missin'

having her stud to ride, good gravy. Lil Kim gets all shaky

when she sees her Mom and Jeff says, "C'mere, let Uncle Jeff

make everything all right," but Lil Kim insists she's okay.

When her mom says she misses her little girl so much,

she calls her voicemail to hear her voice, Lex says, "NICE,"

in his surfer dude drawl. Which *seems* sweet, until you

realize he''ll say the exact same thing, the exact same way,

while watching two lions devour a wildebeest in a few minutes.

Finally, we see Lex's two boys. The first one says,
"I love you daddy. I...I...Love you more than Ice cream.

Please don't kill me daddy."
The next one says, "You rock daddy! I'd never betray you,

ever! I promise!" Then his wife, cluttered with tattoos, says,

"I miss you honey. I loved you the moment I saw you and I

have honored our sacred blood vow never to cheat on you

or side with anyone else in an argument against you!

We miss you...even though these last 30 days have been

so relaxing!" The kids seem nice enough now, but I see short busses

and prescription meds in their futures...and lotsand lots of tattoos.

Just a "gut" feeling.

Jeff tells the Survivors That the reward will be a truck safari,

an overnight stay at a resort and then a balloon safari--all paid

for by his "own personal VISA card!" The number on this card,

btw, is 4000 1234 5678 9010, so it's a prop card used as a big

VISA commercial, meaning all this talk about "Jeff's personal

visa card" are more CBS LIES! So, the survivors have to

answer Jeff's questions, and hope their loved ones give the

same answers. It's hard. I mean, I don't know what

I'd answer as my 'crowning achievement' and my most

embarrassing moment, so my family would be at a loss

too, I'd imagine. ANd the people with kids always
come off better because they can answer their family for everything,
whereas the single people actually have to think about their answers.

Ethan reveals his most embarrassing moment involved

burning off some of his hair with a curling iron as he prepared

for prom--are his curly locks the result of a perm?? No. No.
That CAN'T be true. He must've been trying to straighten it...

yes, yes, that's it *deep breath* Whew. Tom relates an incident

where he encountered some unexpected company in his kitchen
while wearing soiled underpants. Reality TV: Not only CAN'T

you write this stuff...you just WOULDN'T. Tom's wife claims

he can't get embarrassed--hopefully she shares
this trait, or else she's got a whole trainload of most embarrassing

moments coming down the pike, this fall on CBS' Survivor Thursday!

I thought it was interesting that while relating how
she accidentally flashed some fellow triathletes, Lil
Kim kept nervously pulling up her "Survivor" tank top.
When they have to guess what their loved ones will
say is their worst feature, Ethan erroneously guesses

that his family will say he's perfect--That'd be MY
answer, Ethan. Tom reveals that he doesn't like being
bald--I didn't know he WAS until he took off his hat.

Other interesting revelations: Ethan and I are both

terrified of vomiting--I haven't thrown up in over a
decade. It's not a whole lot to base a relationship
on, but it's a start! Lil Kim called off a wedding
at the last moment, and Old Kim eludes to a painful
past when she relates she didn't have any family until
she got married. I will *try* to remember this later
on, when she starts to bug the crap out of me.

The upshot of the whole thing is, Lex wins. So we have
to go on safari with Lex. He gets to pick a
companion, and he takes Tom. Greeeeaat. Since Ethan
picked Lex to accompany him on HIS adventure, you'd
think he might return the favor. But Lex is evil, and
he also probably realizes he needs to mend fences with
Tommy for that whole "I'm too loyal to my new bestest
buddy Brandon to protect you from expulsion" thing.
That's not what he says though. Lex claims, "I, the
great Lex, decreed that Tom was the most deserving of
a once-in-a-lifetime adventure. Wasn't it incredibly
noble of me to choose him? If anyone deserves to see
the world (besides me), it's that ignorant hillbilly
Tom." So, they get on a plane and go to a rustic yet
luxurious resort. Lex tells us, "You mere mortals,
who have neither been to Africa nor been one of the
chosen few "Survivor" contestants could not POSSIBLY
imagine what this place was like, it was like a 5-star
hotel in the middle of Africa!" Yeah but Lex, we
don't have to imagine because YOU'RE ON A FREAKING
TELEVISION SHOW. We saw the whole thing. Then he
raves that this resort, "is like the Garden of Eden."
Yes Lex, it really is. Adam and Eve were cast out
when they maxed out their VISA card and couldn't
afford to pay their room service bill--or something
like that...

Then we get Tom moaning in ecstasy over their own
private "pooper," lovely. When the boys are pigging
out, Lex gloats, "We'd better not tell the others how
great the food was--they might KILL us. I know I
would, if they tried to rub MY nose in their victory.
Bastards!" We cut to Ethan and the girls eating corm mush, natch. The
girls are using Old Kim's paints to make a deck of cards. Not since
Colby's Texas flag sheltered Bear Monday from the rain has a luxury item
proven so useful. Note to season four Survivors: bring paints! Later, Lil
Kim says she won't eat corn ever again. She will not eat it with a hippo,
she will not heat it with a Zippo. She does not like corn as a mush. Or
as a soup or as a slush. You really have to hand it to those CBS execs,
replacing the already proven Rice with the untested corn--what if everyone
liked it?? What would there be to complain about?

Tom and Lex go out into a herd of Wildebeests in a truck. Tom says,
"they's ugler en a gurl ah use ta dayt beck hohm," This woman's feelings
might be hurt if she could understand a damn thing Tom says. Then imitates
the grunting noise the beasts make and tells us it sounds like him on a
"good Saturday Night." Bleh. Whether he's talking about getting a ride
from Mrs. B or just a productive evening on the pooper, is unclear,
however.

Baby elephant RULES!

Then they go back to the hotel and get drunk. Lex chuckles, "Both Tom and
I are real men, and real men drink, okay? I was just thinking to myself,
I'd slit someone's throat for a cold beer right about now--I've certainly
down it before!" If YOU want to get drunk, play the Survivor drinking
game, and take a shot everytime Lex makes an allusion to murder. That guy
that got kicked off big brother should take Lex in as exhibit A to his
"defamation of character/wrongful termination/whatever" lawsuit vs. CBS,
no? Of course Lex toasts "To the all-consuming GAME!" Then Lex reveals
he's never tried to drink with a mustache before! Tom reveals that Trix
are for kids and salad is for weemen. Good night, this is the best footage
they got?? Wake me up for the season finale!

Tom drinks some more and becomes--I didn't think it was possible
either--LESS COMPREHENSIBLE than ever before. I did catch something about
wanting to dangle his fat ass out in the rain, but we are mercifully spared
a peak at Tom's crack--the winner of the last poll, by the way. Lex has to
put Tom to bed. They go on a balloon ride the next morning. Watching Lex
be stoked about anything is almost too much for me to bear at this point.
They watch as two lions stalk and kill a wildebeest. Lex grins, "Nice!
Check out how it's killing by asphyxiation. I prefer knives myself
but...mmmmmMMMMM, asphyxiation, she'll do in a pinch, heh heh heh." Lex
scares me. Then he laments, "It was so great, but then we had to go back
TO THE GAME. Back to the relentless, brutal warfare that is "Survivor!"
Lex is just as pompous and delusional as Keith. The difference being, if
you see lex with a knife: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!! If you see Keith with a
knife, prepare to have your tastebuds dazzled by some Fish Filet ala Famie.

Tom and Lex are welcomed back by the depleted defeated reward-losers. Lex
says, "Now I know how rich people vacation in Africa. They aren't any
better than me and my million dollars from CBS is gonna prove that once and
for all!"

The immunity challenge. It is like the plate challenge form last season.
They have to throw "runga" sticks at these pots with everyone's names on
them. Last one with a pot hanging wins. Jeff explains the rules like some
sort of super suave carny. When Tom hits Lex, Lex seems genuinely stunned
that anyone would try to get him out. Boron takes out T-bird and Lil Kim
first. They celebrate when Lex goes down to one, desperately wanting to be
able to vote against him. Eventually, Big Bear wins.

The paints just KEEP on giving as we see a calendar has been painted onto
the water tank. Tom is happy to have immunity, but EVEN Tom can't be
stupid enough to think he needs it. Lex sits cross-legged as he imparts
his wisdom to us, "T-Bird has a fire in her belly--which I admire in my
prey, and she might do ANYTHING to win. Nothing's more dangerous than a
cornered animal--except ME when someone crosses me! You better give me my
million, Probst or I'll cut ya!"

Teresa tries *yet again* to get Old Kim to vote out one of the boys--this
time, the odious Lex. T-Bird doesn't want to see it come down to three
guys at the end, and Kim agrees that would suck. But KJ insists Tom won't
vote out Lex. Which...is *odd* because, they don't need Tom's vote. If
the girls all vote for Lex, and the boys all vote for ANYONE ELSE, Lex
loses the tie. He has 2136 votes against him! Or twelve or something! So
she's being disingenuous by acting like she's worried about not having the
support. I'm sure went running off to Chief Big Bear to tell them what
T-Bird said. I hope Old Kim outlasts Lex, but dad gummit, it'd serve her
right if she didn't. Teresa says, naively perhaps, that this is the time
you have to consider who you want to go to the end with. She wants to go
in with someone she respects. I think it would benefit Old Kim immensely
to get rid of Lex. You gotta figure: If you suspect that Ethan, and maybe
Tom, want to go in with Lex at the end, why not eliminate him? Then Ethan
might want to go in with Old Kim, betting on the chauvinism that T-bird
fears in the jury, who knows? Old Kim tells Teresa, "I'm not stupid."
Okay Kim...if you say so.

They head out to Tribal Council. Tom tells us he can never ever forget
what Lex did for him for taking on the balloon safari--jeez Tom, are you
that cheap? He CLAIMS that he's still irritated at Lex for siding with
Brandon over him, and then says, "He knows my feeling on that." Based on
what, your breaking his pot? Or based on a conversation CBS didn't bother
to show us?

The jury arrives. Frank, still sporting his fuzzy beard that doesn't match
his hair, looks exactly like an old G.I. JOE action figure. Brandon wears
a sarong, you work it! Jeff asks some pretty dull questions. Tom says he
can't thank Lex properly for taking him on that trip, and Lex basks in the
glow of victory. When asked about regrets, T-bird is the only one who
scores any points with me, declaring it a mistake to have fractured
Samburu in to two tribes so early on in the game. The priceless moment of
the episode comes next, when Jeff asks Lex if he's worried this time
around, not having the immunity necklace to protect him. He replies,
"Sure, it's different. It's a change from the norm. I am threatening, and
therefore may be a target. I've seen my name on more than one or two...or
six or seven cards, and I've almost taken that walk of shame like those
losers over there in the jury. That is the harsh reality of tribal
Council. But my gut keeps telling me to carry on Jeff, and so I Must make
it THROUGH this dark time." You know, if Lex makes it to the final two
they'll have to reveal the winner in Africa because otherwise, Jeff will
read one vote, then send the other six to LA. He won't get a single vote.
The look that Brandon and Kelly exchange during this idiotic rambling was
classic. Of course, Brandon knows he's the one that sent Kelly down the
walk of shame in Lex's place.

Anyway, the upshot is, Old Kim votes with the boys and Lil Kim is ousted.
*yawn* It bugs me how they don't show us hardly any of the votes anymore.
It's FUN to hear what they say. I realize in close votes and surprising
votes, they want to keep it a big secret, but in votes like these last two
snoozers, why not show us something? Give us some soundbites, throw us a
bone. By trying to ring drama from a stone, they wind up cheating us out
of character moments.

Next week: Okay, tonight ;) : Lex threatens to cut someone's throat...is
Survivor a repeat this week, zuh? I hope Lex turns on Tom. If Lex is
gonna be around a while, he shold at least be more entertaining. I want
T-Bird to win immunity SO BAD,
but I fear it's her turn to go. Jen believes Old Kim has a pact with Tom,
but I fear it'll be the three boys at the end. Then Tom and Lex turn on
Ethan because he so good and pretty. Man I SO don't want to have
to root for Tommy Bear over Lethal Lex, that'd bite. Here's hoping Old Kim
surprises me. Peace, Christine :)