Survivor 3.11--CBS is yanking my chain!

I think. And, as someone who is essentially giving them
free publicity every week, I'm a little hacked off about it.
I know, I know, they have to keep everything a secret,

and I have always enjoyed their little games in the past.

But, that ad they ran for last week's episode was such bs.

It's one thing to say, "It's the men vs. the women!" and then

that turns out not to be true. I can handle that. But that clip

of OldKim saying, "It's gonna be one interesting tribal council,

that's for sure."??? Was that even from this episode?

Because it sure as h-double-runga-sticks wasn't an interesting

tribal council, so what gives? Then again, Kim Johnson *could*

have said it, she could have been lying to the camera the same

way she apparently has been to T-bird...or the way she's been

lying to herself if she thinks she stands a chance of breaking

up the boys club without help. Anyway, #6 holds steady as

the "PYT" slot, as Lil Kim joins Amber and Colleen as 11th out,

a message from Playboy awaits her on the voicemail.

The episode opens with the little Survivors sleeping in their nets.

Ethan and Lex are up early. Lex needs Ethan to help him strap

on this FREAKING COOL bracelet he made, "Am I awesome or what?

Tie it REALLY TIGHT, I'm gonna wear it forever, man."

Ethan tells us, "I'm very ALONE. I'd like to make it very

clear that I've only known these people for a short time
and if YOU, America, were stuck out here for 39 days,

maybe you would have made an alliance with Lex too

VERY EARLY ON and THEN discovered he's a weird,

paranoid creep a little later but by then it'd be to late

and in order to make it to the end game, you'd have to

still pretend to give a rat's butt about his uberspoons and

uberbraclets and...please don't lose respect for me, America,

I'm still the same good and true Ethan I always was! Honest!"

Ethan and Lex get the mail. It's this cool flip book.

Reward Haiku reads:

Time to see loved ones
Cry on national TV
I'll still hate you, Lex.

Everyone gets to see clips of loved ones. Dates on some

of the tapes reveal that this season was taped in late July--

so the two finalists have to wait over five months to find

out if they won? That's harsh. Although I'm not sure if

they're waiting this year, CBS hasn't said. Ethan's
mom seems tipsy. Old Kim's family seems rich.

T-bird's little kids are adorable, and her parents call her T-bird.

Tom's Dad and his son, Bo, are both as incoherent as he is,

and his wife is just as inappropriate, goin' on about missin'

having her stud to ride, good gravy. Lil Kim gets all shaky

when she sees her Mom and Jeff says, "C'mere, let Uncle Jeff

make everything all right," but Lil Kim insists she's okay.

When her mom says she misses her little girl so much,

she calls her voicemail to hear her voice, Lex says, "NICE,"

in his surfer dude drawl. Which *seems* sweet, until you

realize he''ll say the exact same thing, the exact same way,

while watching two lions devour a wildebeest in a few minutes.

Finally, we see Lex's two boys. The first one says,
"I love you daddy. I...I...Love you more than Ice cream.

Please don't kill me daddy."
The next one says, "You rock daddy! I'd never betray you,

ever! I promise!" Then his wife, cluttered with tattoos, says,

"I miss you honey. I loved you the moment I saw you and I

have honored our sacred blood vow never to cheat on you

or side with anyone else in an argument against you!

We miss you...even though these last 30 days have been

so relaxing!" The kids seem nice enough now, but I see short busses

and prescription meds in their futures...and lotsand lots of tattoos.

Just a "gut" feeling.

Jeff tells the Survivors That the reward will be a truck safari,

an overnight stay at a resort and then a balloon safari--all paid

for by his "own personal VISA card!" The number on this card,

btw, is 4000 1234 5678 9010, so it's a prop card used as a big

VISA commercial, meaning all this talk about "Jeff's personal

visa card" are more CBS LIES! So, the survivors have to

answer Jeff's questions, and hope their loved ones give the

same answers. It's hard. I mean, I don't know what

I'd answer as my 'crowning achievement' and my most

embarrassing moment, so my family would be at a loss

too, I'd imagine. ANd the people with kids always
come off better because they can answer their family for everything,
whereas the single people actually have to think about their answers.

Ethan reveals his most embarrassing moment involved

burning off some of his hair with a curling iron as he prepared

for prom--are his curly locks the result of a perm?? No. No.
That CAN'T be true. He must've been trying to straighten it...

yes, yes, that's it *deep breath* Whew. Tom relates an incident

where he encountered some unexpected company in his kitchen
while wearing soiled underpants. Reality TV: Not only CAN'T

you write this stuff...you just WOULDN'T. Tom's wife claims

he can't get embarrassed--hopefully she shares
this trait, or else she's got a whole trainload of most embarrassing

moments coming down the pike, this fall on CBS' Survivor Thursday!

I thought it was interesting that while relating how
she accidentally flashed some fellow triathletes, Lil
Kim kept nervously pulling up her "Survivor" tank top.
When they have to guess what their loved ones will
say is their worst feature, Ethan erroneously guesses

that his family will say he's perfect--That'd be MY
answer, Ethan. Tom reveals that he doesn't like being
bald--I didn't know he WAS until he took off his hat.

Other interesting revelations: Ethan and I are both

terrified of vomiting--I haven't thrown up in over a
decade. It's not a whole lot to base a relationship
on, but it's a start! Lil Kim called off a wedding
at the last moment, and Old Kim eludes to a painful
past when she relates she didn't have any family until
she got married. I will *try* to remember this later
on, when she starts to bug the crap out of me.

The upshot of the whole thing is, Lex wins. So we have
to go on safari with Lex. He gets to pick a
companion, and he takes Tom. Greeeeaat. Since Ethan
picked Lex to accompany him on HIS adventure, you'd
think he might return the favor. But Lex is evil, and
he also probably realizes he needs to mend fences with
Tommy for that whole "I'm too loyal to my new bestest
buddy Brandon to protect you from expulsion" thing.
That's not what he says though. Lex claims, "I, the
great Lex, decreed that Tom was the most deserving of
a once-in-a-lifetime adventure. Wasn't it incredibly
noble of me to choose him? If anyone deserves to see
the world (besides me), it's that ignorant hillbilly
Tom." So, they get on a plane and go to a rustic yet
luxurious resort. Lex tells us, "You mere mortals,
who have neither been to Africa nor been one of the
chosen few "Survivor" contestants could not POSSIBLY
imagine what this place was like, it was like a 5-star
hotel in the middle of Africa!" Yeah but Lex, we
don't have to imagine because YOU'RE ON A FREAKING
TELEVISION SHOW. We saw the whole thing. Then he
raves that this resort, "is like the Garden of Eden."
Yes Lex, it really is. Adam and Eve were cast out
when they maxed out their VISA card and couldn't
afford to pay their room service bill--or something
like that...

Then we get Tom moaning in ecstasy over their own
private "pooper," lovely. When the boys are pigging
out, Lex gloats, "We'd better not tell the others how
great the food was--they might KILL us. I know I
would, if they tried to rub MY nose in their victory.
Bastards!" We cut to Ethan and the girls eating corm mush, natch. The
girls are using Old Kim's paints to make a deck of cards. Not since
Colby's Texas flag sheltered Bear Monday from the rain has a luxury item
proven so useful. Note to season four Survivors: bring paints! Later, Lil
Kim says she won't eat corn ever again. She will not eat it with a hippo,
she will not heat it with a Zippo. She does not like corn as a mush. Or
as a soup or as a slush. You really have to hand it to those CBS execs,
replacing the already proven Rice with the untested corn--what if everyone
liked it?? What would there be to complain about?

Tom and Lex go out into a herd of Wildebeests in a truck. Tom says,
"they's ugler en a gurl ah use ta dayt beck hohm," This woman's feelings
might be hurt if she could understand a damn thing Tom says. Then imitates
the grunting noise the beasts make and tells us it sounds like him on a
"good Saturday Night." Bleh. Whether he's talking about getting a ride
from Mrs. B or just a productive evening on the pooper, is unclear,
however.

Baby elephant RULES!

Then they go back to the hotel and get drunk. Lex chuckles, "Both Tom and
I are real men, and real men drink, okay? I was just thinking to myself,
I'd slit someone's throat for a cold beer right about now--I've certainly
down it before!" If YOU want to get drunk, play the Survivor drinking
game, and take a shot everytime Lex makes an allusion to murder. That guy
that got kicked off big brother should take Lex in as exhibit A to his
"defamation of character/wrongful termination/whatever" lawsuit vs. CBS,
no? Of course Lex toasts "To the all-consuming GAME!" Then Lex reveals
he's never tried to drink with a mustache before! Tom reveals that Trix
are for kids and salad is for weemen. Good night, this is the best footage
they got?? Wake me up for the season finale!

Tom drinks some more and becomes--I didn't think it was possible
either--LESS COMPREHENSIBLE than ever before. I did catch something about
wanting to dangle his fat ass out in the rain, but we are mercifully spared
a peak at Tom's crack--the winner of the last poll, by the way. Lex has to
put Tom to bed. They go on a balloon ride the next morning. Watching Lex
be stoked about anything is almost too much for me to bear at this point.
They watch as two lions stalk and kill a wildebeest. Lex grins, "Nice!
Check out how it's killing by asphyxiation. I prefer knives myself
but...mmmmmMMMMM, asphyxiation, she'll do in a pinch, heh heh heh." Lex
scares me. Then he laments, "It was so great, but then we had to go back
TO THE GAME. Back to the relentless, brutal warfare that is "Survivor!"
Lex is just as pompous and delusional as Keith. The difference being, if
you see lex with a knife: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!! If you see Keith with a
knife, prepare to have your tastebuds dazzled by some Fish Filet ala Famie.

Tom and Lex are welcomed back by the depleted defeated reward-losers. Lex
says, "Now I know how rich people vacation in Africa. They aren't any
better than me and my million dollars from CBS is gonna prove that once and
for all!"

The immunity challenge. It is like the plate challenge form last season.
They have to throw "runga" sticks at these pots with everyone's names on
them. Last one with a pot hanging wins. Jeff explains the rules like some
sort of super suave carny. When Tom hits Lex, Lex seems genuinely stunned
that anyone would try to get him out. Boron takes out T-bird and Lil Kim
first. They celebrate when Lex goes down to one, desperately wanting to be
able to vote against him. Eventually, Big Bear wins.

The paints just KEEP on giving as we see a calendar has been painted onto
the water tank. Tom is happy to have immunity, but EVEN Tom can't be
stupid enough to think he needs it. Lex sits cross-legged as he imparts
his wisdom to us, "T-Bird has a fire in her belly--which I admire in my
prey, and she might do ANYTHING to win. Nothing's more dangerous than a
cornered animal--except ME when someone crosses me! You better give me my
million, Probst or I'll cut ya!"

Teresa tries *yet again* to get Old Kim to vote out one of the boys--this
time, the odious Lex. T-Bird doesn't want to see it come down to three
guys at the end, and Kim agrees that would suck. But KJ insists Tom won't
vote out Lex. Which...is *odd* because, they don't need Tom's vote. If
the girls all vote for Lex, and the boys all vote for ANYONE ELSE, Lex
loses the tie. He has 2136 votes against him! Or twelve or something! So
she's being disingenuous by acting like she's worried about not having the
support. I'm sure went running off to Chief Big Bear to tell them what
T-Bird said. I hope Old Kim outlasts Lex, but dad gummit, it'd serve her
right if she didn't. Teresa says, naively perhaps, that this is the time
you have to consider who you want to go to the end with. She wants to go
in with someone she respects. I think it would benefit Old Kim immensely
to get rid of Lex. You gotta figure: If you suspect that Ethan, and maybe
Tom, want to go in with Lex at the end, why not eliminate him? Then Ethan
might want to go in with Old Kim, betting on the chauvinism that T-bird
fears in the jury, who knows? Old Kim tells Teresa, "I'm not stupid."
Okay Kim...if you say so.

They head out to Tribal Council. Tom tells us he can never ever forget
what Lex did for him for taking on the balloon safari--jeez Tom, are you
that cheap? He CLAIMS that he's still irritated at Lex for siding with
Brandon over him, and then says, "He knows my feeling on that." Based on
what, your breaking his pot? Or based on a conversation CBS didn't bother
to show us?

The jury arrives. Frank, still sporting his fuzzy beard that doesn't match
his hair, looks exactly like an old G.I. JOE action figure. Brandon wears
a sarong, you work it! Jeff asks some pretty dull questions. Tom says he
can't thank Lex properly for taking him on that trip, and Lex basks in the
glow of victory. When asked about regrets, T-bird is the only one who
scores any points with me, declaring it a mistake to have fractured
Samburu in to two tribes so early on in the game. The priceless moment of
the episode comes next, when Jeff asks Lex if he's worried this time
around, not having the immunity necklace to protect him. He replies,
"Sure, it's different. It's a change from the norm. I am threatening, and
therefore may be a target. I've seen my name on more than one or two...or
six or seven cards, and I've almost taken that walk of shame like those
losers over there in the jury. That is the harsh reality of tribal
Council. But my gut keeps telling me to carry on Jeff, and so I Must make
it THROUGH this dark time." You know, if Lex makes it to the final two
they'll have to reveal the winner in Africa because otherwise, Jeff will
read one vote, then send the other six to LA. He won't get a single vote.
The look that Brandon and Kelly exchange during this idiotic rambling was
classic. Of course, Brandon knows he's the one that sent Kelly down the
walk of shame in Lex's place.

Anyway, the upshot is, Old Kim votes with the boys and Lil Kim is ousted.
*yawn* It bugs me how they don't show us hardly any of the votes anymore.
It's FUN to hear what they say. I realize in close votes and surprising
votes, they want to keep it a big secret, but in votes like these last two
snoozers, why not show us something? Give us some soundbites, throw us a
bone. By trying to ring drama from a stone, they wind up cheating us out
of character moments.

Next week: Okay, tonight ;) : Lex threatens to cut someone's throat...is
Survivor a repeat this week, zuh? I hope Lex turns on Tom. If Lex is
gonna be around a while, he shold at least be more entertaining. I want
T-Bird to win immunity SO BAD,
but I fear it's her turn to go. Jen believes Old Kim has a pact with Tom,
but I fear it'll be the three boys at the end. Then Tom and Lex turn on
Ethan because he so good and pretty. Man I SO don't want to have
to root for Tommy Bear over Lethal Lex, that'd bite. Here's hoping Old Kim
surprises me. Peace, Christine :)