Survivor Week 12---the Phantom Menace!

Because, like Star Wars: the Phantom Menace, it wasn't all that exciting,
but there was some cool stuff at the end which implied that the next one
might be cool--plus good music. And, I suppose Tom could be construed as a
phantom menace...nah.

For all the naysayers, Survivor has been in the top 3 the last few weeks,
with 19 million viewers. I wish they'd do Survivor 4 over the summer,
especially if its another suckfest at the box-office (I'll be there, George
Lucas, but my expectations are low *fist shaking*). But it'll probably be
a
regular season show :( It will be set on another island, near Tahiti,
which I think is cool. It'll be fun to kick it old school and watch people
get "voted off the island."

The episode opens with manly Ethan pouring spring water into the water
tower thing. Everyone else has wasted away (Lex looks like a heron addict)
but good and noble Ethan has remained ripped. Those arms! *sigh* Ethan is
stoked to
still be around, "We started with 16, and it's down to 5--dude, I'm in the
playoffs!" Speaking of the playoffs, if you think *I'm* embarrassing,
gushing over Ethan as I do, wait 'til you hear the FOX commentators go on
and on about *their boyfriend* Brett Farve, who can do no wrong, even when
he's being a complete idiot, during the 49er-Packer game this Sunday. GO
NINERS! Plant that pill-poppin' hillbilly in the icy Lambeau tundra.

ANYWAY, Everyone's tired. The lions, the monkey's, the Survivor's. They
should have inserted shots of people yawning at home on our couches. When
the tribe starts talking about how poor their circulation is, Lex has to
out-do everyone, "Oh it's not just my arm that's asleep. It's my head, my
legs, my ass--but the gut's ever vigilant, mind you. The gut doesn't
sleep, man!" Then he goes on and on about how he never expected it to be
SO HARD in every way, but he won't give in, "I'm no punk, man, I ain't no
sissy. Would a sissy wear these cool Ray-ban's all the time? Would a
sissy have a FREAKIN COOL tattoo of an eightball with a knife going through
it on his leg???" I get the impression that Lex is talking to the
cameraman 24/7.

SO, the tribe goes down to the spring to get water, and find an Uberturd in
the water--the elephants are dissin' Motomaji! Tom says, "Ahnt ta behn
harmenee w'all da hemals en duh people. Bet ehts hord teh do, speshly
dount t'end." No, REALLY, that's what he said. I don't know if it was
funny or not, someone let me know! Then he reveals that OnlyKim has been
washing in turd water the whole damn time, and he tried to tell her and she
wouldn't listen. Several things bother me about this: A) Ewwww. I mean,
that's the best footage you have? Kim washing herself with dirty water?
She's watching this with her family, you know. B) You can't tell me *any*
of that water is clean. What's the rule here, two feet downstream from the
elephant toilet is gross, but eight feet is Evian country? C) MAYBE SHE
JUST DIDN"T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU SAID TOM!

"Washing in dung-infested water" becomes "Reason 34 I can't actually try to
go on Survivor myself." You know what they say, those who can't do,
commentate (Yeah, Collinsworth, I'm talking to you!).

Then Lex informs us, "Boredom has become a reality." No sh**. I could
have told you that two weeks ago. He continues, "We're obviously not very
interesting people. We've run out of things to say and do." Okay, 1) they
have a set of cards and a checkers game. 2) I guaran-damn-tee you that *I*
would not run out of things to say in a mere 35 days. Somewhere, Abby, my
former office mate, is rolling her eyes in agreement ;) Then we get AN
ENTIRE SEGMENT ABOUT TOM'S STINKY FEET. And in doing so, Mark Burnett
hands next year's reality show Emmy to the Amazing Race. Ethan says,
"Tom has the stinkiest feet I've ever smelled and I'm a professional
athlete. I'm in and out of dozens of locker rooms a year." Tom redeems
himself by effortlessly catching "Potpie" the chicken as it tries to escape
(out of the human camp into the Lion's den--no one ever said chicken's had
brains). "His feet stink, but he's got great hands--goalie hands," Ethan
raves.

Then the "tree mail" comes. Lex looooves saying "tree mail," "It's like
EMAIL, only it's TREE mail, 'cuz it comes from the tree, get it?" Everyone
gets letters from home. Lex says, "I got letters from my old lady, from
the little Lex's, and from my parents, Rosemary and Lucifer. This would
really nourish my soul, if I had one." T-bird is moved to tears by a
letter from her ill father. Tom reads aloud from his son's letter: "Don
furgen the prres's awn soef yew felawk been uh puss, jes member ya gottuh
ephold meh reppatashun, nowet ahm deh beeg Dawg." Well, Tom understood it
and it made him laugh, and that's really the important thing. The depth of
my Ethan Obsession was revealed to me by my anxiety over who Ethan was
getting letters from, and my utter sense of joy and relief when he didn't
mention getting a note from his girlfriend. OnlyKim gets a poem from her
man.

Back at camp, they get....

A REWARD HAIKU!!!! And it's totally lame. I'm not saying you *can't*
rhyme haiku, but I think they're more enigmatic and cool when you don't.
The Survivor's even get into an argument about what a Haiku is: Lex
pretends to know by saying, "That's a haiku," and they fret about having to
write one. For the record it's 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables.
Like:

My haiku is best
I should work on Survivor
Then poems wouldn't suck

The reward is a secret, and to win it, they have to do a Swahili word
search. Which leads us to our first quiz in a few weeks:

Which of these Swahili Word Scramble words should have been used instead of
boring "Boron"?

A) Vongonya
B) Shaba
C) Chakula
D) Matwana

Bonus props for any of you who use one of those words to name your dog, cat
or goldfish. Or your next baby if you're really feeling bold.

Anyway, the Survivors have to find twelve Swahili words in the word search,
then take letters ala "jumble," then solve a riddle. Lex, who's been
eating every once in a while, thanks to reward wins, is at a great
advantage. Asking Tom to read Swahili is just plain cruel. Lex wins
easily, and Ethan throws his chalk angrily at the board. I won't throw the
yellow card for unsportsmanlike behavior, since I totally agree. Ethan
then physically recoils from Lex when he hugs him. Lex wins a cool Chevy
Avalanche--which kicks the Pontiac Aztek's butt, btw. I hate Rich and Sue,
but I have to acknowledge that they're right about how winning to much can
work against you. I never bought the theory coming form them since the
torpid twosome was unlikely to win anything ever, and it always sounded
like smug grapes, "We never wanted to win those stupid rewards!' When
let's face it, Kelly just plain kicked their (rather substantial) butts!
But you can see that Lex's
winning almost everything is REALLY affecting the group, especially Ethan
who says, "I'm just sick and tired of him winning everything, and I'm sick
of pretending to be happy for him, because I'm NOT!"--music to my ears! :)
Maybe Ethan doesn't want to go in with Lex after all. You have the power
Ethan, you really really do.

Jeff tells Lex that he gets to be a goodwill ambassador. "Survivors: you
know. Global AIDS: real big problem. Reward: Delivering supplies to a
hospital." What does Jeff have against pronouns--did they do something
mean to him when he was a kid, or did he merely lose them in
the divorce? Then we find out that Teresa lost her brother to AIDS 11
years ago. Okay, so her Dad's dying, her brother's dead, she's the last of
Samburu yet she always has that Little Orphan Annie pluck--if this show was
written, I'd say they were laying it on too thick.

Lex and Jeff hit the road. Poor Jeff earns his paycheck by having to
listen to Lex obsess about "Survivor." "I've been ruminating on the word
'Survivor" this whole time, but man, I never *really* GOT it, dig? It
means, like, LIVING man, like far-out. I'm playing this crazy Survivor
game, and ironically, it never dawned on me what its true meaning was until
just now. People with AIDS are the REAL Survivors!" Maybe you'll want to
ruminate on the word "ironic" next, Lex. Then Lex repeats everything Jeff
JUST told us seconds before, in that Ubersincere
"Nobody's-EVER-thought-of-this-before rasp of his he uses when he wants to
convey how *deep* he is. I swear he'd tell us "Man, have you ever noticed
that the sky is like, BLUE?? I was just noticing it the other day when I
went to pick up the *TREE MAIL*"

Hey, boys, if you really want to be "Survivors", buckle up your damn
seatbelts! >:(

They get to the hospital, which Lex refers to as "self-sufficient" even
though Jeff just got done explaining how they depend on donations--like the
one Lex himself is delivering from CBS. I half-expected Les Moonves to
show up with an oversized check, but it was surprisingly restrained--Jeff
never even mentions that the donation is coming from CBS, and there are no
eye logos painted on the sides of the crates. Lex basks in the glow of
all the attention and talks about how life-changing it all is, blah blah
blah.

I am sick and tired of "The Lex Van Den Berghe Hour."

And so is the rest of Moto Maji. Tom tells us that there's a lot of
animosity towards Lex. He actually says "animosity," too--is this the
brilliant strategist forgetting to wrap his two-dollar words in cornpone?
Then he inexplicably starts talking about lions. He says that everyone's
been asking him about "his lions," whatever *that* means. Eh, what's that?
Oh "his ALLIANCE," you say? Ah, yes, well that makes sense. OnlyKim
asks Tom what's up, and Tom ducks the issue, saying that he and Lex and
Ethan were an alliance, and no one's told him otherwise and he's done his
best to use his power for good and do-right by the people that are nice to
him--so watch yer step, missy! Tom sees himself as Big Papa Bear, the
benevolent dictator of Boron. He's a big...something, all right. Is it
just me, or does he come off stoned half the time?

OnlyKim then warns Ethan that Lex and Tom want to come down together at the
end, and Ethan says, "I know." I think Tom does indeed want to end up with
Lex, but Lex is a wild card. He doesn't realize how odious he is, whereas
Tom knows he can be little hard to take. Then she says, "Christine, I must
reiterate that I'm NOT stupid, as you asserted weeks ago. The three guys
have been an alliance since we got here, so I had to work at just being
number four. now that I'm almost there, I can start working on moving up
the order--if that's all right with you?" You go girl! She tells Ethan,
if he can't get rid of one of them this week, then he'd better do it next.
Ethan is too nice a guy for Lex OR Tom to be sitting next to. Personally,
I think Ethan can beat anyone if he makes it to the final two.

Lex returns, and everyone is still bitter. They down jump up to greet him,
and they aren't all jazzed to hear his tales of honor and conquest--which
doesn't sit well with the gut. "The vibe was real heavy, man. The losers
were all, like, freezing me out, and I was wigging, man. It was funky.
Like when you go to the Boardwalk, and the Giant Dipper is closed, dig?"

Ethan wonders, "Lex is winning, eating, resting--in what kind of messed-up
alternate dimension is Lex able to beat me at anything??" Next morning,
Lex pumps OnlyKim for info about why no one knelt and kissed his ring when
he returned to camp. She shines him on, pushing all the right buttons, "Oh
Lex, we weren't mad at you. We envy you. If anything, we were angry at
ourselves because, try as we might, we can't seem to best you at anything!"

And then it FINALLY GETS INTERESTING!

The episode, not this review. If you're not interested by now, you should
just delete and move on 'cuz its just more of the same.

Tom sort of sneaks up and hears Lex refer to himself as vulnerable. Then
OnlyKim reveals to us that Tom has, on several occasions, told him that it
might be a good idea to eliminate Lex, but that he couldn't vote for him
(perhaps still bonded by the "baby-shoe blood pact" of week 1 or 2. I
think that crafty country bear is trying to load Lex up with votes to
protect himself if there's a tie. When Ethan, sick of losing to the freak,
suggests out-and-out screwing the alliance and dumping Lex, Tom is again,
evasive. He says they formed an alliance, and maybe they should just stick
with it, and see where it goes, which doesn't sit too well with Ethan who
complains, "I came into this game wanting to end up winning by going head
to head with the best people--not these inferiors!" Be still my heart!
Vanquish the scuzzy Lex, Sir Ethan!

Kim tells T-Bird that Ethan is angry with himself for not viewing Lex as a
threat until it was too late. Teresa has the line of the season: "All
y'all want to get him off, none of you want to do it!" Word! She says
she's happy that Kim is finally wising up and coming around to the notion
of dismissing Lex--so she thought Kim was stupid too:)

Tom find a purty necklace in the box--which turns out to have *nothing* to
do with the challenge *at all*. "Looky whu' I found A tisket a tasket, ah
found something in the basket." The CBS Immunity challenge poem? Even
worse than that. There's no meter, and it's just a lame excuse to rhyme
"Choose" and "Lose," like that's never been none before? Is that all you
got CBS? Next time, you better BRING IT!

Learn from past mistakes
Grueling Physical Challenge
Goodbye Teresa

The well-rested and protein-laden Lex kicks everyone's torpid butts. Ethan
is pissed, which is encouraging. Lex celebrates--i wanna smack him. And
he has Hitler-hair, there I said it.

Back at camp, T-bird makes a last-ditch effort to turn the fickle and
paranoid Lex against Tom. Lex is pretty much saying goodbye to her here,
"We're tight, chick. We'll talk back in the world, dig?" He looks ready
to a guest spot on "Oz." He tells us, "She's in a mess of hurt." Which
just shows you how way-too-seriously he takes this. She's not dying, Lex.
Teresa, meanwhile, is playing him like a violin...no, its not that hard...
She's playing him like a kazoo. Several weeks ago, Alicia from last year's
Survivor!
said in TV Guide that she expected Teresa to do well because she's a flight
attendant, and therefore "used to being nice to people she doesn't like."

"Lex," T-bird gives him a self-deprecating smile, "You know I'm going
tonight, so do I. And...out of the goodness of my heart--just so that I
can leave with a clean conscience, I have to confess something to you."
"Anything, T-Bird. You know that. My gut has always told me to trust you.
We're like, connected, you dig?" "I do, Lex, I appreciate that I really
do," *bats eyes* "I...cast that vote for you. The little one that sent you
into a psychotic tailspin? I didn't mean nothin' by it Lex, aw...you must
know that, right? I want you to do well--and so you need to be right
careful." Lex is very moved by her admission. He refers to the vote as
"the one I thought *might* have been cast by Kelly." Yeah, Lex, *might.*
Whatever.

Then she tells him the reason she voted for Lex was that *a little bird*
told her to, but that she can't say who that was. She keeps smiling
nervously throughout the whole encounter, which leads me to believe she's
lying. I think she chose Lex rather randomly when she decided she couldn't
vote against the doomed Clarence. So Lex says, "Wow, I sure hope its Kelly
because otherwise, I'm a complete moron who turned on a friend because
Brandon bewitched me." And Teresa just stares at him. She doesn't say
ANYTHING. And the highly suggestible Lex suddenly says, "Did TOM tell you
not to trust me? That's the only thing that makes any sense!!" It's like
"The Crucible," I saw Tom Buchanan dancing in the wood! With poppets!"
Lex is in overdrive now, "It all fits!" Lex tells us that Teresa nodded to
confirm that Tom sold him out, which we don't see on camera. I'm not
saying she didn't, but it's also possible that T-Bird doesn't have to work
*at all* to get Lex all riled up and paranoid.

Then OnlyKim joins in, telling Lex that Tom told her to vote for Lex on
several occasions, but that he didn't want to know anything about it.
Teresa tells us that Tom wants lex gone, but wants to remain the "good
guy." He doesn't want to get his hands dirty. If it (please, no) comes
down to Lex and Tom in the end, T-bird *might* vote in Lex's favor. I
think Teresa's wrong that Tom wants Lex gone. He just wants him vulnerable
in a tie, and in need of Big Dog's help. Lex, playing for the camera as
usual, whispers in dawning horror, "Do you....think the jury....knows this
evil side of Tom that...doesn't want me to win? Do you think they have any
idea what he's like???" And the girls shake there heads woefully, "No, the
jury thinks he's a big ol' teddy bear--it's tragic, really. I'd sure hate
to go up against him in the final two, that's for sure!" Tee hee hee. Lex
really thinks that he's cool and he has a shot in the vote. he thanks a
guilt-ridden T-Bird for her help, as though she's just literally pulled him
from a burning building. "The game is suddenly sinister," he laments, "I
thought it was only Kelly and Frank who hated me. But its Tom! And Ethan!
And those damn Freemasons! They're trying to kill me! They're trying to
steal my million dollars, man! That ain't cool!" OnlyKim, meanwhile, is
in agreement with Teresa that Tom isn't as nice a guy as he lets on, and
that he can't be trusted.

Lex tells us that *now* he's ready to defeat his enemy. "I'm in cutthroat
mode, man. If he's gonna try and screw with Led, and stab me in the back?
I'll cut his THROAT!" And yes, in actuality he did use three murderous
allusions in one short paragraph--yeep!

*Insert of MotoMaji's flag symbolically falling to the ground*

Tribal council. Frank enters wearing a sarong, I kid you not. Full of
surprises, our Frank. Kelly enters wearing a black tank top emblazoned
with the word "Shameless" in silver. Jeff smiles, "Well, I have to call
attention to something I noticed when the jury walked in: Kelly's breasts.
Er...I mean, her tanktop. Specifically, ahem, what's written on it: The
word "shameless." Obviously, a reference to the other night when you
called them all losers, Lex." Lex tries to spin it, "Well Jeff, it depends
on what your definition of the word loser is. The Walk of Shame is one of
those cool phrases we came up with, like Motomaji--which means hot water?
OR Tree mail...get it? [at this point, Brandon leans in to whisper
something to Lil' Kim--and my guess is that he's saying that Lex was the
one who coined the phrase] Instead of...well, anyway, I didn't mean
anything by it, and we all said it, and I can't really worry about how
certain whiny crybaby backstabbing LOSERS might interpret it, OK?"

Jeff asks Tom if he tries to be more careful about what he says when he's
in front of the jury. Jeff, what does it matter? they can't understand a
damn word he's saying anyway! Tom does his "I'm just lovable, ignorant Big
Tom, ya gotta love me!" schtik. Jeff asks Ethan if he's more perceptive at
this stage of the game, more aware of things around him. Ethan chuckles
good-naturedly, "Jeff, I may be young, great-looking, athletic, witty,
well-educated, kind and hard-working, but I'm not a superhero. I'm weak
and tired. I'm not a threat, and I don't think I'm better than my
friends...my good friends, on the jury. Please don't be jealous of me.
I'm Ethan, that's all. *Applause*

Jeff mentions that T-Bird is the last of the Samburans, and she jokingly
wishes he hadn't reminded Boron. She knows she's a goner, and kinda twists
the knife a little. She says she's grateful that she got to know Ethan and
OldKim before the merge. They cut to Tom pouting here--I think he's too
dense to realize she's talking about the time she spend with the tribe
whilst he was dispatching Lindsey from the game over at Samburu. Then Jeff
makes the mistake of asking Tom another question--if he has a game plan he
rambles on and
on--as though stoned, back me up here--until Jeff has to cut him off and
tell them to vote. Does Tommy still have some Bourbon in his pocket from
the
Safari??

Everyone on Boron votes for T-Bird, while she votes for Tom. Though she
ranks 5th, along with Dr. Dumb Sean and good ol Rodger, She also shares the
"last of the losing tribe slot" with fellow national sweethearts, Colleen
and Elisabeth. Tonight: Three Hour Survivorganza!!! I predict *fingers
crossed* Ethan wins it all. If he sides with Kim, he can beat Tom or Lex
even if they do try to oust him--both of them have votes and he doesn't.
Hopefully, they can oust Lex first. If Lex wins immunity, they can dump
Tom but Lex could be a real threat to win the final immunity and choose...I
think he'd go in with Ethan, thinking OldKim more of a sympathy threat.
But I don't think anyone beats Ethan in the final vote. Go
Ethan! Go Niners! Peace, Christine :)