Survivor 10.1 "We are Survivors! We're gonna build a Fortress!"

Greetings and salutations, to quote the famous spider. Survivor: Palau isn't as "radical" as CBS and company want us to believe, but it's got a big thing going for it--for the most part, the cast seems to be pretty good-natured. And yeah, the twists were pretty fun, but I don't think they need to reinvent the wheel. When the show is weak, it's not because people are bored with the formula, it's because they're bored with the cast.

Okay, to begin, you all have to know that I'm totally back in love with Jeff Probst. He did this interview with Entertainment Weekly where he ranked the seasons and he pretty much validated all my opinions about the strengths and weaknesses of the show and past winners and losers. Jeff, if you would just complete that eHarmony personality profile I keep forwarding you, I think you'll agree that I'm waaaay more compatible with you. And huh, not young enough to be your child, so that's a bonus. Jeff also gave out some great dish--he says he believes that Jerri really DID see Kel eating beef jerky because PEOPLE TRY TO SMUGGLE FOOD ALL THE TIME. They catch people with stuff all the time, so it obviously doesn't get you kicked out. I had no idea.

Palau is spectacular, and the season opens with Jeff piloting a boat across the clear water to intercept a row boat filled with twenty Survivors--or I guess I should say "potential" survivors ;) He tells us about the all the beautiful and dangerous inhabitants of the sea--including many jellyfish, so I hope people will be prepared to pull a Kath if they have to (yeah, she's pretty much never living that down.) There's also all kinds of wreckage lying around from World War II--and perhaps Amelia Earhart, I mean, who's to say? We learn that the Survivors have been ditched without their luggage and only have the clothes on their backs--mercifully, nobody chose to wear a scout uniform for the photo this time. Jeff pulls alongside the big row boat (wearing a blue shirt, because he knows I like the blue shirt--Oh, Jeff, I can never stay angry at you) and gives the group a very brief welcome. He points to the shore of an island and tells them that's home. On it they'll find two machetes, a map to water and two immunity necklace--one for the first woman and one for the first man to reach them. They can jump out and swim whenever they choose to. Then he up and leaves, prompting James to sputter, "Jeff's uh somabtich ah taylyawhut, ah wand brake-fist arr sumpin lahk det. We's pretty much in trouble." So's we who're tryin' to understand you, James --how James is James and not a Jim Bob or a Jimmy Ray is a mystery for the ages. We do have a Bobby Jon, and ooh my is he a cutie pie. He;s also a committed Christian. So am I, so I find it interesting that when I saw his promo and he said, "I'm a committed Christian and that's how I choose to live my life," the first words out of my mouth were "Oh, shit."

Everyone debates whether or not to jump out of the boat but they continue rowing for quite a spell. Wanda, a rather odd looking woman, gets up and starts singing a Survivor Fight Song--she's written dozen of songs about Survivor over the years. I'd like to mock her, but I'd hate to damage my lovely glass house. So she's reeeeallly into Survivor--where's the harm? Willard is unthrilled with the self-styled songstress. Eventually, Stephanie and Jonathan jump out, and are immediately and comically passed by the rowing boat. "Oh my Gaaahd, that's the dumbest thing I've ever done," Stephanie laughs later. Jonathan doesn't think it's as funny. Of course once the boat is close to shore, everyone starts abandoning the ship and it turns into a free-for-all. The women's winner is no surprise--former national track star Jolanda, whereas the men's winner is a big surprise--doofy-looking Ian, who's kinda like Nerd Ryan from the Pearl Islands, if he could like DO stuff. James huffs, "Ian's the winnuh fer the mihn--ah'm tellin' yuh thet thar's a fast little booger." I'm tempted to call James "Little Tom" as opposed to "Big Tom," since he's hard to understand and full of colorful hickisms, but since we have a Tom this season...it would just complicate things.

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE

Jolanda and Ian are congratulated by the rest, and everyone exults in being in Survivor and getting to know one another. Of course, they're mightily confused--there's a flag with no tribe name. I've been on Survivor on a tribe with no name, it felt good to get off of that boat. In Survivor, you can't remember your tribe name, if Jeff ain't around to give you a name in the first place, LA la la la la la la la LA la la. In you FACE, Wanda! Jolanda endears herself by bellowing, "I'm Jolanda--Jo if you're to much of an idiot to pronounce it properly!" Caryn, a forty-something, even-tempered woman who I SWEAR I've seen somewhere before, suggests that four people go to get water while everyone else builds a shelter, and remarkable, everyone agrees that this is a good idea and they very easily break-off into groups and start making camp. Wanda starts singing again, "We are Survivors, We're gonna build a Fortress!" Man, when some psycho puts up the money to produce Wanda's "Survivor: the Musical," I'm gonna be front row center on opening day. NYC Fireman Tom (I told you there was a Tom) dodges fire-building job and tells us, "That's a losuh job, man." Word. Everyone tries to adapt their press-photo clothes into survival-gear by hacking pants into shorts and chopping off their high-heels. No whining is heard and many viewers press the "info" button" on their remote, to make sure that this is indeed "Survivor." Feisty Janu, who has the kind of flowing black hair that romance novels would call a mane, volunteers to scale up a tall tree to help build the shelter. "I climbed that sucker like a monkey," she boasts. She earns the admiration of then men, though it's unclear whether that's because of her guts, her strength, or how much butt-crack she showed on the way up. Stephanie, Ian and Tom form an early "what the hell" alliance. Jolanda eats a grasshopper. The ease at which the group builds shelter makes all previous Survivors seem like complete freaking idiots.

Caryn joins Willard, Coby and Angie on the quest for the water hole. Willard is good to have along on a jungle-hunt, being a former sniper and recon man during Viet Nam. Coby is a rather prissy gay hairdresser, who immediately bonds with Illustrated Girl, Angie. Angie's many tattoos aren't enough to cover the young girl's rabid insecurity, which wears like a badge of honor on her chest (you can't see it because of the giant dragonfly painted on her cleavage, but I assure you, it's there. They hold hands and sing the "Misfits" song from "Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer" and vow to be bestest alliance buddies until the end of time. Coby warns, "We can't have all the young good-looking people have all the power---and there's a lot of them." I agree with this sentiment in theory, but I also suspect that Coby is evil, so...we'll see. Anyway, the water gang also finds a bag containing the groups "game" shoes, and are thrilled that the shelter people might forever associate their faces with podiatric comfort. Coby launches a campaign of "I dunno, I just don't connect with that guy, do you/ Really?" against Baywatchy Jonathan--the same campaign that defeated John Kerry. Coby is anticipating Jeff's showing up and announcing an immediate Tribal Council, "At this point, nobody really cares who goes home, as long as it isn't them." Coby knows his Survivor, that's for sure.

GAME ON

Jeff sneaks up on the bunch and decrees that Ian and Jolanda do indeed have immunity--which will last for at least 10 minutes, suckuhs! Whaaaaa!? America exclaims along with the 20 Survivors--or should I say "potential Survivors?" Because only 18 of them will SURVIVE to play the game. There will be two tribes of nine members each. Two people won't get picked and will get sent home. Ian and Jolanda are "tribe captains," and will make the first pick--Ian will pick a girl, Jolanda will pick a guy, and then each person picked will pick someone of the opposite sex until two people are left-over to feel like big ol losers. It's harsh, but it's different--I'm in. Ian's team wears brown buffs and is dubbed "Koror," which sounds like something a Klingon might say. Jolanda's team wears blue buffs and is dubbed Ulong (ooolong). They DO alternate, but to keep it simple I'll just report who picked who: Ian picks Katie who picks Tom who picks Janu who picks Dreamy Gregg who picks Jennifer who picks Coby (who's wearing his pink shirt as a sarong) who forsakes Katie for Caryn who has a crisis of conscience when forced to exclude either hunky Jonathan or "old" Willard [ Willard is only "reality show old", to put it in perspective, he's a little younger than the President] but c'mon, she's a civil-rights attorney and Willard was her water-hole buddy...plus, she has a nagging uncertainty about Jonathan, thanks to Coby. Jonathan pouts, "I thought I'd be picked, like, first or something because I'm like, blond and handsome and awesome and stuff." Jonathan is Gonathan. And I'm not broken up about it or anything, but I know Coby thinks he's a mastermind now, and I haven't made up my mind about him.

At the same time, Jolanda picks Cute Bobby Jon, who picks Stephanie who is now bummed that her what the hell alliance with Ian and Tom has gone to hell. She chooses Jeff-Not-Probst who chooses Kim who chooses James who chooses Ashlee who chooses Beefy Ibrehem who chooses Angie, who just now realizes that she's Ducky to Coby's Molly Ringwald and has subsequently been dumped at the dance (and isn't he pretty in pink?). She's so miffed by this that she seems to completely miss that Warbling Wanda is going home, not her. For the rest of the episode, Angie will lament how she was "last picked," which is still way better than "not picked," you big baby. Everyone applauds Gonathan and Wanda as they're whisked away from the island, and Wanda sings one of her songs in farewell. No one has ever been voted of in 20th and 19th place before, and since they were never voted in, I guess that's still true. Koror is the "older" and "less athletic" tribe, and Gregg urges the group to take the high road and not trash-talk the other tribe. Meanwhile, Ulongs Jeff tells his tribe not believe the others when they come around telling lies and stuff. To define him from Jeff Probst, I will now refer to Ulong's Jeff as Idiot Jeff. Yes, that will do nicely. Ibrehem shrugs, "Who cares if Koror's smarter--we got muscles. But y'know, if this wasn't an unscripted reality show, I'd SWEAR I just foreshadowed our doom just now."

REWARD AND IMMUNITY LIMERICK

The first competition's a doozy
You're sure to feel tired and woozy
run to hell then race back
with supplies on your back
take to much and you'll feel rather lose-y

Ian and Jolanda relinquish their immunities and everyone cheers the monkiness of the Tribal Immunity Idol. Idiot Jeff grins when Ian and Jolanda lose their necklaces because what's good for others automatically hurts him. Jeff explains the race: Okay, so it's an obstacle course! I know, I couldn't believe it either. . The main thing is, during the obstacle part, they have to untie these mandatory oars, and then choose which optional items to take: flint, water canteens, flour and rice, and a tarp. Everything is weighted down so it's heavier than it really is. Then they take the oars and race around a flag in a boat. The smart tribe decides to only take the flint box, while Jolanda insists on untying everything and trying to take as much as they can--they wind up taking everything EXCEPT the flint and get severely bogged down. When they get to Jeff he scoffs, "You didn't bring fire--the lightest and the most important thing? Uh, interesting strategy, nimrods." So, the smart team is way in the lead, and then Ulong blows any remote chance their muscles had of catching them by going the wrong way in their canoe. Hence, they will be called U-turn from now on. Idiot Jeff expresses his frustration by childishly slapping the water with his oar. "Stupid ocean!" Koror wins and Jeff gives them a surprise: in addition to winning the fire-making kit and Immunity, they can also pick to remain on the island where they already have shelter, or go to a "mystery island." Rather than banish U-turn to the unknown, they decide to, in the spirit of adventure, take curtain number two. Suckers. Then, on the way to curtain number two, they're canoe tips over and they lose their reward. There's gotta be at least four or five Aesop's fables in this episode. Katie insists, "We were going along and then this HUUUUGE wave came along and tipped us over!" But I rewatched the event like it was the Zapruder film folks, and there was no wave from the grassy knoll. The once-jubilant tribe is now on a strange beach with no reward, no water, no shelter no nuthin. Just a new name from me: Error.

JOLANDALOO

Back at the nice beach that Error should have stuck with, the U-Turns are faced with having to U-Turn on one another. Heh, I crack myself up so easily. Jolanda growls, "I'm not gonna allow anyone to be negative," which sounds more threatening than it is encouraging. Idiot Jeff takes out his frustration with the machete, "Stupid coconuts!" Angie is fearful, "I'm not strong, I'm not in shape, I'm aggressively anti-social and different so yeah, I do think I'm a target. Plus I've got this giant red and white target tattooed on my back--damn, I so wish I hadn't done that." Captain Jolanda goes for a walk to confer with her lieutenants, Cute Bobby Jon and Ibrehem, and they all agree that Angie is the weak link. Stephenie also agrees, but wants Jolanda to own up to the fact that they lost the challenge because of her, "Look Jo, you're a strong black woman, so naturally, I fear you and I celebrate you--but...we took to long and that was...you know...you're fault but please don't hit me or call me a racist." Jolanda admits she blundered. Stephanie tells Jolanda she'll oust Angie, then goes to lobby everyone against her. Nice. Bobby Jon won't bite, he likes Jolanda and feels they need her. Then Jolanda starts barking orders, "Newsflash--for every two hours we work, I decree that we rest an hour!" Again, what she's saying is actually cool, but the way she says it is all wrong. Stephenie, Ashlee, Idiot Jeff, James, Kim and Angie all agree to dump Jo. Angie is especially thrilled, "You don't think i remember being last picked? I'm always last-picked. I'm always last and I'm always left out because I'm SO very different and misunderstood." Ugh. Angie, You've got a honkin' big dragonfly in your cleavage! You clearly don't WANT to fit in! Own it! Embrace it! Get over yourself! Gah!

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Okay, Tribal Council rules this year. There's this big ol' World War II tank behind Jeff and the fire is in these oil cans--it rules. Jeff reminds us all of the ritual of Tribal Council, and what fire represents. He says to the dejected group, "I know you don't want to be here." I can just imagine myself at Tribal Council, gazing dreamily at Jeff with my chin in hand and "I love you" written across my eyelids like that girl in Indiana Jones's class in "Raiders of the Lost Ark," "Oh, Jeff, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else--except...in your arms!" Ahem. Anyway, Jeff asks Stephenie what surprised her most about her first days here and she says, "Oh, you know, the same old usual Survivor stuff really. Hunger. Thirst. Cold. Fatigue." Jeff frowns, "You sure about that? It wasn't...I dunno, an awesome plot twist that most surprised you? Like how I didn't give you any information at first, and you were all on the same beach at first and then two people weren't even on a tribe? C'mon, that's...that's some pretty surprising stuff our non-union writers who we call segment producers came up with!" Stephenie shrugs, "I really didn't expect to be this hungry, Jeff." A miffed Jeff turns to James and asks him if he's confident in his tribe still. Gomer James smiles, "Goooaaaaly, ah em. This is a DAYUM faan trahb. We goan win sum matches, ah tellya whut!" I'm not sure if he meant, they'd win some matches, as in challenges, or win some matches as in things to start fires. I guess either would be a good thing at this point. Gomer James and Idiot Jeff both lament the poor decision making that doomed them, while Jolanda tries to justify what happened. Steph rolls her eyes when Jolanda complains about the knots. Jeff asks the loaded question about whether they have a leader, and Ashlee babbles on about how that's the one thing they really need and don't have, which is odd since they're DO have a leader and they're about to vote her out. Said leader Jolanda claims to be holding back from being the leader because she doesn't want to come off as bossy. Er...yeah. Okay. Finally, Jeff asks Angie is she's overcome being last picked. She sighs, "I don't overcome things, Jeff. It's just not in my nature. I'll probably get a tattoo to commemorate being last picked...like an eight ball or something? That'd be pretty original." She votes for Jolanda with the grammatically perplexing, "It's either you or I and I don't want it to me be."

Jolanda goes down 6-3, leaving her boys, Cute Bobby Jon and Ibrehem, rather shocked. She goes out with class, insisting, "Good luck you guys, I want you to win." She'll be fine--she's overcome an insane amount in her life, which you can read about in her bio. Seriously. She should get a Lifetime movie made about her. Jolanda joins last season's Brook in being voted out in 18th place. Jeff is ticked as he dismisses U-Turn, "Stop with your excuses, get a plan and thanks a lot for voting out the black lady out during black history month, that makes us all look SO great."

It's pretty hard to make predictions about the other tribe, since we haven't seen them function as a tribe. At U-Turn, I think Bobby Jon and Ibrehem will be a little bent, but not enough for them to piss off the others so much that they'd boot their team's muscle. Angie's still in trouble--and she'd be the first one to agree with me, of course.

Peace! Christine :D

Survivor Season 9 wrap up

Hey everyone!

Well, as many of you know, I have moved out of Los Angeles and back up to Northern California. I now reside in Sacramento and no, I don't know what I'm going to be doing career-wise. If you've ever moved, you know what an obnoxious all-encompassing drag it is, and my Survivor review was a necessary casualty. I just don't feel like reliving last season with my usual obsessive depth--we need to move on. But, me being me, I couldn't just cancel season nine reviews entirely--I am NOT the NHL, after all. So, here goes:

SURVIVOR: VANUATU, FINAL THOUGHTS

There was no "gross-out eating challenge" this season. Yay!

I hope this is the last time we do men vs. women, it's played out.

The pig reward challenge was the most anti-climactic reward in Survivor history. All that set up, keep the pig sfe, protect the pig, don't eat the pig. Then it's like, ooh, present it to the Chief! And then he's all, yeah, already got one so...here you go. And then the winners just let it wander off instead of, gee, I dunno. Bringing it home to EAT? lame.

Knowing that Jeff is dating Julie--yes, pig-tailed and robotic half-his age Julie-- is like a knife to my heart.

Also, Jeff's play by play during the challenges has gotten very irksome.

Okay, here's my BIG complaint about this season: Twila did not deserve all the flak she took for her "big lie" and swearing on her son, blah blah blah. Because here's what happened: she swore she was with LeAnn and Ami, and they told her RIGHT TO HER FACE that they didn't believe her. And in my book, if I promised I was going to do something and they rolled their eyes and smirked and said "I don't feel good about that, I feel guarded," or whatever, my reaction would be, "Okay, you know what? Fine. Promise OFF." Chris was such a big fat liar during the whole game, and just like Richard Hatch in Season One, he gets respect for being a "great player," while Twila gets dissed for beingtwo-faced like Kelly did. It blows.

LeAnn and Ami SUCK. What a couple of self-righteous babies. They're dumb enough to make Twila feel uincertain about her place in their endgame, their stupid enough to tell Scout straight out (so to speak) that she's not in their Final Four, and then they betray their own "Girls Rule" code of honor or whatever the hell, and target Eliza, rather than dumping Chris, and then they have the audacity to resent Scout and Twila for playing the game in the way that benefitted THEM, not Ami and LeAnn. And girls, your stupid pink unicorn girl power myth crumbled because of YOU. And who the hell cares anyway that a woman's alliance never lasted before? Women have won Survivor five out of nine times already without it.

And, while I'm on the topic of Ami, MAN what a bitch. Scout looks out for herself, which is her RIGHT when playing a game of ultimate survival and Ami grumbles, "She' not part of any rainbow I know of," or whatever, like Scout's not cool enough to be gay anymore because Ami gets to decide who's woman enough to be a woman and lesbian enough to be lesbian and OH YEAH, she's the most kind and moral person she knows. Uh, yeah. Except anyone who's truly kind would see goodness in others and never think to declare themselves the kindest person they know. Bleh, Ami's in the pantheon of my most hated Survivors ever (but Lil still stands alone at the top).

The moment when Twila told Chris to recruit Eliza into a foursome with them and Scout was one of THE BEST SURVIVOR POWER SWITCHES ever. Scout and Twila finally did what the other girls refused to do--got passed how annoyed they were at Eliza and focused on the game. LeAnn's ouster was TV gold--especially Chad and Sarge's barely contained glee.

Eliza won a car--and did not win the million dollars. The car curse is still in full-effect (I am of the school that doesn't count Amber because she didn't win the challenge, Chachi did and just took her with him. By the way, as part of my reviews of Season 10, I WILL be updating you on Chachi and AMbuh's progress on "The Amazing Race." Should be irritating :D

Chris didn't need to be such a smug bastard in regards to Eliza and Julie. He could have just told them he was sticking with Twila and Scout because he felt he could beat them or whatever. Instead, he took such glee in needlessly blindsiding them.

I actually really enjoyed all the animosity between Eliza, Scout and Twila at the end. It was funny.

That vertical maze challenge KICKED ASS!!! Kudos Survivor, for coming up with something so cool.

It never ceases to make me chuckle when all the losers are interviewed at the end and they all insist they were too moral and good to win the game. As Twila said to Ami, "You been had--Screw you!!" Heh heh. Word.

Final Tribal Council was pretty good. Eliza asking for an apology from Chris and Twila was a laughable wasy for us to say goodbye to poor, entitled little motormouthed Eliza. Chris did, but I gotta give Twila props for telling eliza to get bent. I liked Sarge up until his cruel rant against Twila, Get over yourself >:( Chris was a big ol' liar too--and oh yeah, he voted you out.

I disn't mind the way Chris played the game until the very end--he was so slick and deferential to everybody, it just made me feel like he's huckster in real life too. I mean, it worked and everything, so he's got the money and who cares what I have to say, I just wish he didn't go out like such a little wieny.

And yes, I did love Jeff's parachuting out of a plane and then mororcylcing away and boy howdy did I love him in that baseball shirt. But ugh, Julie? JULIE!? I....I need time, people....

But I won't get it!

Twenty Americans are stranded in Palau, the South Pacific paradise some call the 8th natural wonder of the world, where colorful wildlife, dense jungles and an underwater world beyond belief are haunted by the wreckage and remnants of World War II. From the beginning, the game will be changed in a dramatic way: everything the Survivors have come to expect will be wiped out in the first 10 minutes. Who will outwit, outplay, and outlast all others in Palau? Get to know the new Survivors now, and don't miss a single episode of SURVIVOR: PALAU, premiering Thursday, February 17 at 8 pm ET/PT, only on CBS.

Nifty, eh? Maybe they'll find Amelia Earhart. There's 20 contestants this time, which makes me angry. Who needs it? Lousy expansion Survivors. If you check out the cast at cbs.com, you'll note it's a fairly young group--yeah, no more of this old people getting rid of all the young people stuff, it really hacked off Mark Burnett. But it should be fun--they're not getting any help, apparantly, and it sounds like they may have to compete to get in the game, so we might not be at 20 for very long. Anyway, it should be fun and I promise, I've ordered a full-season pick-up of Survivor Reviews now that I'm settled.

Peace Out!