Survivor 8.14 Super Fast "I'm leaving on a Jet Plane" Review! :O

STORMY WEATHER

Everyone's cold wet and stinky and sick of one another. Chachi remembers one brief shining moment, when he understood what the hell Big Tom was saying, but that time has passed and Tom is now mumbling incoherently. "AH tink 'e's not gettin' enough wahtuh," Chachi speculates. Nope, Rob, that's just how he talks. Chachi is now wearing the greenish polo shirt off his brother Mike's back, which I wouldn't've thought was illegal but whatever. Jenna and Rupert go a'gathering for coconuts and plot to oust Chachi and of course he overhears but he pretends he didn't and they're all "We were just saying we've gotta beat Big Old Tom...which kinda sounds like Boston Rob...heh." I was pretty surprised to hear that Jenna is out to get Rob, I thought she was in Rob and Amber's little clique but it would seem not. Rupert's trying not to be paranoid, "paranoia WILL destroy ya," he warns with a grin. Is that the Kinks he's invoking? Chachi runs to Amber, who has somehow wrestled planteeeeen duty away from Poor Jenna. Chachi frets, "Dey gotta plan about who's in duh Final Foh--and it ain't us!" Amber pretends to be engrossed in her chopping, "Huh. So, uh, who are they thinking to get rid of first?" "Me uh course." "Huh." Amber doesn't have the heart to do the math for Chachi--if he's voted out next, she's still in the Final Four because there's only five people left.

MONSTER TRUCK CHALLY

Time for the "You've won a TRUCK!" reward challenge. It's a kick-ass orange Chevy: the vehicles really have been sweet every since they ditched the Pontiac Aztek back in Australia. Jeff points out (as I did last season, ahem) that the winner of the truck has NEVER won Survivor (if memory serves, Ted, Sean and Burton all won them immediately before their respective ousters). The winner also gets a "night at the movies" reward, which is sweet. I don't think they've done it since Brandon and Frank watched "Out of Africa." The challenge is no joke--it's a balance beam, belly-crawl/puzzle solve, see-saw basket fill ladder climb flying fox race-o-rama. Rupert can't keep his balance, Jenna can't solve the puzzle and Tom can't fill his basket faster than Rob or the Amazing Amber, who quite frankly rocks the hiz-ouse when it comes to filling a basket with objects one propels from a see-saw. Perhaps not a very marketable skill but the once-and-future men's magazine cover girl doesn't really NEED marketable skills, does she? Rob beats her on the race part and naturally chooses Ambuh as his drive-in companion. The two are of stoked at the Survivor Drive-In Snack Bar, which has popcorn, drinks, hot dogs and candy. Then Amber gets a special surprise--as the person who got picked by the winner, she gets a sweet Chevy Malibu (a sedan I've enjoyed renting over the years, I must say)! Then the two settle into the bed of Chachi's truck and watch the 1960's film adaptation of "The Lord of the Flies," which Jeff credits as part of the inspiration for "Survivor" itself. And I must be going soft because I was...kinda happy for Chachi and Amber. I was glad they got to have a Danny-Sandy type date night, and I was glad they got cars. Because they HAVE played the game (and their companions) extremely well.

POOR JENNA DIDN'T GET A CAR

Rupert wants Rob and Amber to bring back food, and insists that whenever he won challenges, he stuffed food into his pockets for the others--this from a guy who ate a steak in front of Big Tom and Shii Ann as they ate bland food he assigned them. I mean, seriously. I like Rupert but sometimes he trumpets his own nobility and it hits a sour note. The happy couple returns and Amber wisely asks whether the others want to hear about the movie night before she launches into her tale--remember Neleh going on and on about the magnificent dinner she and Paschal had on the boat? And the unfortunate "here's a slightly-used mint" incident? Anyway, these people have been stranded for 36 days, so of course any new story is a good story so Amber tells them everything--including the fact that she won a car. She says she considered hiding it "but that's just not me." I don't know if that means it's not in her to lie about it or it's not in her to not rub the others faces in it, but regardless, it's a smart move because it's just the sort of thing Jeff might mention at Tribal Council if she didn't (though he DID keep the secret of Jonny Fairplay's not-so-dead grandmother). Everyone else is peeved about Amber's good-fortune, especially a bitter Jenna, who's adding this to the list of things that as usual go everyone else's way but hers. In fact, she's probably mad at RUPERT, "If he'd won he would have taken ME and then I'D have a Chevy Malibu! Damn you, Rupert!" Everyone scowls and hopes there's something to the "car curse" as Chachi and Amber make-out. Rupert is mad that the pair brought back candy back for themselves after pigging-out at the Drive-In. Gee, Rupert, it is THEIR candy which they earned...kinda like the fish you caught the other day? I'm just saying.

THE LORD OF THE LIES

Rupert's mad that Chachi and Amber just lay about and don't work, which gets them rested for the challenges. He and Tom sneak off to plot and Poor Jenna, covering her own ass I suppose, draws attention to this fact by asking Chachi and Amber, "Where'd those guys go? I mean, I have no idea because I CERTAINLY have no plans to vote with the two of them to send one of you home, no SIR." Rupert tells Tom that Tom's out if he doesn't win immunity, and that he himself is out if Tom wins it. He wonders, "Do you really want to vote out your only worker?" The worker-bees ALWAYS think it's so important to keep them around when the schemers are completely prepared to suffer for, what, 3 or 4 more days? Tom gives lip service to the idea of turning on Amber and Chachi, but isn't really sold on the idea. He's been doing this from the start--agreeing with everyone else's plan to break-up the power couples IN THEORY, but never actually wavering from Rob and Amber IN PRACTICE. At one point, Rupert doesn't understand what mumbling Tom said so he asks him to repeat himself: a concept that's never occurred to selfish Chachi who's content to pretend he understood him because he's not really interested in anything anyone has to say anyway. Chachi is nervous about Rupert and Tom's plotting though it's been clear to me for some time that the two men clearly don't have much use for one another. Each would prefer to be the only worker in the tribe--each man's self-esteem is completely built around how useful and industrious and capable they are in comparison to the weak whom they provide for. But Chachi decides to instigate a fight, and tells Tom that Rupert's been telling Rob that they have to get rid of Tom, and Tom gets mad and confronts Rupert in front of a delighted Chachi who thrills at his own "genius," as if there's something Machivellian about poking a bee's nest with a stick. Tom refers to Rupert's actions as "5th n' 6th grade tattletale stuff," despite the fact that he's been telling Chachi ALL ALONG to oust Rupert--he wanted him gone before Alicia. Rupert regains my respect for standing up for himself and calling Tom on his hypocritical bullhonkey, "Did you not tell me you're sick of Rob's laziness and wanted him gone? You've been telling everybody to get rid of everybody behind everybody's back and now I'M the bad guy!?" Rupert recognizes Rob's hand in the fight but is unconcerned.

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

Instead of your brawn it's your brain
in control of who stays in the game
whoever is faster
will be a long-laster
and won't fear the long walk of shame

Remember when Lex called leaving the "Tribal Council area immediately" the long walk of shame and Kelly wore that shirt that said "shameless" the next time and Lex had to pretend he didn't mean it as an insult? Those were good times. The Immunity challenge is a word search and Big Tom is unthrilled, as he did so badly in Africa. As I mentioned before he was so embarrassed at his inability to read and write well that he started a kid's literacy program and worked on his own skills. And good for him because he doesn't embarrass himself at all, he does very well at the "tribe name word search," just not as good as Amber and Rob. It's Amber who finds all 17 tribe names but it's Rob who's first to solve the puzzle made from the intersecting letters : CHABOGA MOGO No one's happy to see Rob win again, but I have to give Chachi his props. I don't WANT him to win, because he's SUCH a cocky bastard, but you can't say he hasn't earned it. He was the MVP in most of the group challenges and he continues to dominate in both mental and physical challenges. Despite ALL the bad feelings he's engendered on the jury, he may still be hard to beat if he makes it to the Final Two because the superiority of his game play is just that apparent.

TOM'S LAST STAND

Scrambly crabs represent scrambly survivors as everyone jockeys for position. Chachi frets, "If ah lose Ambuh ah lose my powah--I wonduh if dey know dat." I disagree. I think Rob is more than capable of winning the next few immunities and he may be the guy people want to take with them into the final four because they're banking on his reaping all the bitterness he's sown there. He may miss his snuggle-buddy when she's gone, but Amber is also Chachi's biggest obstacle to the million dollars...except for Tom. Chachi is so unsure he suggests to Amber that they flip a coin. Tom sidles up and lobbies to get rid of Jenna, because he fears her strong mind. I think Big Tom's not getting enough water. Chachi confronts Tom and demands a loyalty oath, which Tom does. tom points out, "You've marked yourself every time you WON," which is true. He denies ever telling anyone that getting rid of Chachi would be the smartest move, even though he'd be dumb not to have done so. You have to lie in this game to protect your alliances--at the very least you have to shine people on a bit about your intentions. Chachi's anger at Tom reminds me of all the heat Kelly took way back in Borneo, when her shining-on Pagong into the false hope that she might help them oust Hatch wound up freaking out Sue and the others (though I think Kelly did throw a vote to Dr. Sean instead of a Pagonger in a passive anti-Hatch move but I'm not sure). Tom tells Chachi and Amber to tell him how to vote and Amber pretends they aren't calling all the shots and tells him to tell them how HE wants them to vote (probably because neither she nor Chachi actually HAVE a coin). Chachi doesn't look Tom in the eye when he tells him their sticking to their alliance with him, and he let's Tom choose to dump Jenna rather than Rupert (even though he was a "low-life" tattle-tale--whatever Tom). Amber frets, Rob reassures her.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

It's all the usual playing-it-safe nonsense about how nerve-wracking it is to be in the final five and everyone's paranoid (if such a thing is possible when you're playing a game where ultimately everyone IS out to get you)until Amber says, "I can SMELL the money, it's so close." This causes Shii Ann's eyes to roll (much like...everything) and the rest of the jury to react with incredulous horror. Jeff sees this and tries to get Amber off the hook, "Fair to say you ALL feel that, right Jenna? Rupert? All of you? You all smell the money, right? Right. You'd ALL say that, not just Ambreasts." Chachi riles up the jury even more (it's kinda like watching a bratty kid antagonize animals at the zoo) when he declares, "Some people play too hahd and some people ah getting caught in dere lies." Uh, Chachi, you forfeited the high-road back in the Marquesas, you can't claim it now and it quite frankly doesn't suit you. The only way Rob can win is if he makes a case for this all being a game where lying is allowed and encouraged and where he did it better than everyone else. He's the LAST person who should be complaining about anyone's trying to deceive him because he's the LAST person who should WANT the jury thinking they should be awarding the million to the most-moral person--Rupert. Jeff asks Tom, "will you feel insulted if you're voted out next?" And Big Tom drawls, "Et tu Brute, Jesus said it Himself, Peter you betrayed me too!" Brute being Latin for Peter, I suppose, and Tom being Jesus in this analogy: Nice :D Can't wait for what may fall form his mouth when he confronts the Final Two because...

Tom is indeed betrayed, and he's out 4-1. He casts his vote for Genna--at least he doesn't call her the whore of Babylon or something. Chachi claims, "Pony rides ovuh, yuh welcome fuh carryin' ya dis fah." Ugh. When Jeff snuffs Tom's torch and tells him the tribe has spoken, Tom shoots back, "Ah heard 'em." The jury reacts in horror (did I imagine it,or did Alicia sneer when Jenna walked by) which just proves how smart a move it was BY ALL to get rid of Tom--he had three of the four existing votes sown up. Kathy, Lex and Alicia (and maybe Shii Ann, who knows)all wanted to give their votes to Tom and now they HAVE to give them to one of the four who remain which quashes any argument anyone might have about "why didn't Rupert and Jenna join with Tom to get rid of Amber"? It simply wasn't in their best interest.

Next up? A strong chance at a tie at the next Tribal Council (I'd love the jury to decide, hee hee). I think Jenna might turn on Rupert at this stage, though. It should be fun. I'm oddly pulling for Amber in the end (the person I felt was least deserving of the invite in the beginning), though I wouldn't mind Rupert getting it. I just don't envision this jury giving it to the new guy. This is All-Star, and I think this jury will favor the people who, through whatever means, actually beat them, actually sent them to the jury box. That means despite all the hard feelings, Rob or Amber will win unless Rupert and Jenna are the final two--advantage? Rupert. What's the big shocker CBS keeps touting? Maybe that no one can EVER leave the Pearl Islands ;) Seriously, my guess is that ALL the All-Stars will be returning to vote for the winner, but my HOPE is that it will be something that is cool and fun and catches me off guard. If I arrive home from my trip Sunday night to discover my VCR isn't taping it, then make-up the guest bedroom, Angelenos, because I'm inviting myself over...no...REALLY :I

"Lindsey had a tick on her butt. When a woman has trouble on her butt, I told her that's just what I'm made for." Tom Buchanan, 2001

Peace! :D

Survivor 8.13 Shii's Come Undone

Although she DID know what she was heading for. Work is frying my brain and gobbling my time so the next two reviews are going to be on the short-side (for me). I HOPE to get off the next one either Tonight or Friday night, rather than having to roll it into the Finale review. I will be traveling during the Finale so please, don't call me! I won't be able to watch until late Sunday night (my plane lands @ 9:30). If my VCR doesn't tape it, those in the LA area can expect a frantic phone call <:o

JENNA HELLA BUGS

A beautiful morning greets the remaining Chattanooga Choo Choos, but Shii Ann can't really enjoy the nice weather, since she knows she's doomed unless she can get two of the Three Stooges (Jenna, Tom and Rupert) to rise up and smite their overlords, Chachi and Ambuh. The Blue Bird of Irritation sings his annoyed song for Poor Jenna, Queen of the Plantains, which she calls "planteeeeens," even though that's not how you say it. "I'm cooking two coconuts but no planteeeeens, if you want planteeeeens, you'd better get 'em yourself 'cuz I'm not making them even though getting and cooking the planteeeeeens is my main job!" Then Rupert returns from fishing with a nice haul and Chachi patronizes him, "Rupaht, you dah man!" For some reason, Rupert always seems compelled to undercut his achievement by insisting that EVEN BIGGER fish got away from him, I don't really get it. Anyway, Rupert has a rare moment of Non-Doormatness, and decides to cook himself a fish before cleaning any of the other fish and cooking them up for the others. It's his "pal" Jenna who remarks passive-aggressively, 'Wow, usually you gut and clean and cook a fish for each of us." Jenna yammers to us about how she's just a wee little thing who'd be crushed by the tides so she couldn't fish even if she wanted to, "What if I decided to only get planteeeens for myself and only cook enough planteeeens for me!? What would happen!?" Ummm, I'm guessing everyone would stroll over to the nearest tree and pick their own damned plantains, Jenna. She berates Rupert, who has had it with the lazy tribe, "Don't be mad at me, Jenna. I mean, how many fish have the others caught? How many fish have they cleaned?" Jenna sighs heavily in frustration, "I'm not TALKING about everyone else, I'm talking about ME! You needed to clean and cook a fish for ME! It's ALL about ME! Planteeeeen! UGGGH!!!" Rupert tells us wearily, "Jenna's a pain in the ASS and I'm sorry I have an alliance with her!" Way ahead of ya, big guy. The fight gives Shii Ann false hope that she could throw over Jenna since nobody likes her, but that's exactly her value in the game--who'd give her the million bucks? I'm guessing nobody.

SUPER-NASTY EATING CONTEST WITH LOVED ONES FROM HOME

The Survivors are surprised by their loved ones at the Reward Challenge--Amber and Shii Ann's moms, Jenna and Chachi's brothers, Rupert's wife and Big Tom's son all arrive and everyone cries. Rupert and his wife (who kinda looks like 60's singer Melanie) make out and everyone gets uncomfortable. Then they find out that it's the family members who have to eat the gross thing, as was the case in Thailand. Amber gets props for me for being happy that her mom is out on the first object, a big ol' fish head, saying "Now you don't have to eat anything else!" Shii Ann's mother has trouble with the fish head, and that surprised me because in Thailand Shii Ann went on and on about how in her family they ate the whole fish--the eyes and the guts and what-not, and it freaked Dumbb Robb out. Shii's mother is more sensitive than her daughter, obviously, and is out next on a cockroach. Bleh, I hate the gross food challenge, I really do. Rupert's wife can't choke down the Marinated Stink Meat. Next up is a truly sick giant spider. Jenna's brother Jie (spelling?) drinks water to wash it down and Jeff disqualifies him and OF COURSE Poor Jenna's brother is as whiny and entitled as she is. He keeps insisting Jeff didn't tell him he couldn't drink water until they were done with the spider, but he finally relents. Big baby. Next up is a live squirmy grub and Tom's kid Bucky Bo slams it down in less than two seconds to win the prize, a Survivor par-TAY over at Old Shakira with his son and one other tribe member of his choice and their loved one. The girls implore Tom to reunite Rupert with his wife but Big Tom naturally chooses to pay homage to his master, Chachi.

ANIMAL SHELTER

Tom, Bucky Bo, Chachi and Mike are treated to some pizza and beer at Old Shakira. The boys get loaded and swang on the swang and what-not. Big Tom mumbles drunkenly, "Ah whish ahs here wi' mah waff er mah nayber's sister." Then he insists he didn't take Rupert and his wife because he was creeped out by their long slobbery kiss earlier, even though the truth is he really doesn't care much for Rupert. Frankly, I'd have thought a big ol' perve like Tom would pick Rupert and his wife in the HOPES of seeing them "reunite" but Tom's priority (like Rupert's in the previous reward) is sucking up to Chachi. Chachi is pleases, "We pahteed hahd! Beer good!" He goes for a walk with his brother so that he can fill him in on his genius so far, "I asked Lex tuh keep Ambuh as a favuh tuh me and the dumbass keptuh!" I join Chachi and Mike in mocking Lex's stupidity. Mike is concerned that Chachi is banking so much on his trust in Amber, while Big Tom frets to his son bout his place in Chachi's Big Picture. The next morning, the boys return to Chattanooga Choo Choo, where Rupert wants to put them to work. Bucky Bo the farm boy works his tail off fetching wood, which fills his dad with pride, while Mike follows his brother's lead and sits around and hits on Amber. Later, Rupert takes Bo fishing and the Pelican of DEATH foreshadows the demise of one of the Hawaiian slings, as Bo promptly loses one of the spearheads the same way Shawn did in the Pearl Islands. Rupert pretends to be mad, but you know he's really glad that there's now only one spear--HIS. Chachi laughs, "Bo is ah bigguh dumb-ass den 'is dad!" Yeah, well your brother is as creepy as you AH, Rob.

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

To win you must build a big fire
And run to the beach--do not tire
If your flame stays lit
Then pretty you'll sit
Unconcerned about Chachi the Liar

This challenge was first seen in Australia--you build a fire on one end of a see-saw, and on the other, you fill a bucket with water in order to lift your fire up so that it will fire up a torch and blow some fireworks and Yay! you win. Many of you may remember this challenge as "The one Keith tried to cheat on." This go around, everyone pretty much sucks--Chachi, Amber, Jenna and Rupert all run out of matches before they can get a sustainable fire going, which goes the challenge some pop because Shii Ann really does have hope of pulling of another stunning victory to force Chachi and Ambuh's hand, but alas, Big Tom rises to the challenge and wins. Good sport Shii Ann gives a big hug of congratulations. Jeff tells the tribe, "You have the afternoon to decide who goes home--oh, who am I kidding?"

SHII'S GOT GAME

Shii Ann will not go quietly onto that good jury, and lobbies hard for the others to dump Poor Jenna rather than her. Big Tom is very open to the idea, since Jenna is his only really rival for the Final Three beside Chachi and Amber--he knows they like her worthlessness and he knows they want to get rid of Rupert's likeability ASAP (Tom's not nearly as dumb as Chachi thinks, and he's got the jury in the bag, I think). but Tom has no real power and will only sign on if Shii can swing the others. Rupert wants Jenna gone, but he's got that pesky morality thing going and won't betray his alliance no matter how obnoxious she gets. Amber is intrigued by the idea and the two women bitch a little about Poor Jenna, who then sidles up to them and asks what they're talking about. Shii Ann protects Amber, "We were talking about all the great food I'm gonna eat tonight at the hotel," and Jenna buys it. She complains, "Shii Ann is a scrambler and I can't STAND her. Put it this way--when she opens her mouth, I want to put a gun in mine." I know EXACTLY what she means. Also, I hate how Jenna and Rob take anyone else's attempt to stay alive in the game as a personal affront. I'd love to see the inexplicably-arrogant Jenna ousted next week, but I think she's a lock for the Final Three (more on that later). Shii Ann tries to sway Chachi, but he doesn't want to decide who he's been lying to until he absolutely has to--which is actually a good move on his part. I he votes Shii Ann out, no one's angry at him, not even Shii Ann, who knows it's coming.

NO TIME FOR A QUIZ :I

Colby's final immunity win, and his decision to take Tina with him at the end, was the winning "most-memorable" immunity win for most of those who voted. There will be no quiz this time because I hope to be writing the next review within 48 hours of this one (ha!) and won't have enough time to hear from most of you. But thanks for all your participation this season :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D And for those of you who never voted, man, did you miss out on some fun! :p

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff begins by asking Jenna a loaded question about who's working and who isn't, and Poor Jenna is stupid enough to call the boss lazy right in front of him, "Rupert does almost all the work except for what Big Tom does and then I do all the planteeeeeens...Rob...uh...fishes. Sort of." Chachi defends himself by saying he attempts to fish as much as Rupert, he's just not as productive when he does--oh, so it's NOT like grabbing fish in a pet store, eh Chach? Amber finds the paranoia around camp, "annoying," which is funny since she's the root of much of it. Naive Rupert laments the "fracturing" of the tribe, because he's the only one who truly believed they were ever united. Then Jenna brings up Rupert's eating the fish he caught before serving any to anybody else, and Jeff expresses MY frustration with Rupert, "Rupert, if you're gonna insist on being the sole fish-provider, you're gonna have to not get mad when everyone takes you up on it." Though I do agree with Rupert that the others could do the cleaning and cooking. Jenna jumps in, "Yes, what if I decided that I was just gona pick enough planteeeeens for me, and only cook enough planteeens for myself? It would be anarchy!!!!" Seriously, plantains are like bananas and she's acting like it's this great chore to wrangle them to camp and cook them. Amber echoes Shii Ann's earlier assertion that Rupert deserves to eat his fish whenever the hell he wants. Then Shii Ann calls Jenna out on her insidious controlling-of-the-food and wonders aloud why Rupert and Jenna DON'T use her and Big Tom to split up the power couple of Chachi and Ambuh, or verse visa. It's SO obvious, she eye-rolls, which I suspect is the reason Shii Ann tends to be on the outs with whatever tribe she finds herself on--she can't suppress those judging, superior eyerolls. I give her major props for venting at Tribal Council--I wish more people would when they KNOW they're going home. Jeff seems peeved though, "You get everything out?" Uh, Jeff, it's not like any of the rest of these jokers are gonna be interesting tonight so let her go off! Shii Ann finishes, "I was thinking I'd vote for the person I find least-deserving and most-annoying and most-likely to count how many PLANT-ihns everyone eats, but instead, I'm voting for the person who I think is playing the best game and who I think might win the whole thing." I hope Chachi thought it was gonna be him.

Shii Ann is out 5-1. She casts her vote for a bemused Amber "out of respect." Jenna angrily tells Shii Ann where to stick it but then puts a passive-aggressive little smiley around her name--just own it, Jenna, honestly. Shii Ann is a wild card of a juror--so far she's the only one who wasn't lied to and she doesn't seem to have any real hard feelings for anybody. Tonight? Gotta be Rupert going unless he wins immunity and dooms Big Tom. Although Chachi may be chomping at the bit to chop Big Tom loose because Lex told Kath who told him that Tom was gonna side with Lex against Chachi--even though that's not what happened. Also, Chachi might be savvy enough to realize that Big Tom is a chauvinist who won't vote to give the million for a "whahman" unless he HAS to, wheras Rupert prefers women to men. Jenna's not going to turn away from Chachi and Ambuh, who both know that Jenna is probably a ticket to the million, since even bitter Kath and Lex don't see her as worthy enough to win. Jenna's the ONLY player in the game who doesn't stand a chance of winning the title of SOLE SURVIVOR, in my opinion (I think I said that about the other Jenna, and look how that turned out).

"I've not lied to you. Yet." Shii Ann Huang, 2002

Peace! :D Christine