Survivor 10.11 "I'm Taking a Bath, In Honor of Jeff Probst."

Whoa Nelly! That was a much longer break than I expected, but for those of you who still care, I'm back to finish up season 10 of "Survivor." I'm not gonna pretend we don't all know what happens in the end, so the tone will be a little different at times, and I won't be doing any speculating, which is punishment I deserve for being so late, because I love speculating.

THE FURTHER STRUGGLES OF STEPH

So, things are pretty awkward at camp, what with Janu quitting, and Steph still hanging around, and everyone knowing that Steph was supposed to go. Everyone at Er-Ror goes out of their way to assure Steph that Janu was the one who was gonna go, and they lay it on real thick and Steph doesn't really buy it, but she realizes she has another chance so she doesn't call anyone on their bull crap. Whole lot of bull crap this season, wouldn't you say? King Gregg approves in theory of placating Steph because it's good for camp morale, but he laments, "Steph progressing in the game means Er-Ror falls apart and everyone starts stabbing each other in the back." No, that's next week. Steph gets annoyed when Katie won't give her a straight answer about sticking to the old alliance she they made, along with Tom and Ian, on Day One. Katie insists that they are all helpless, since Gregg is calling the shots. Steph goes to Tom and he gives her the same load of bull crap he's been giving Caryn, that he's "trying to look out for her," and he insists, "Uh, the promise was that we'd TRY to help you." See, this is what drives me nuts about this season, and this perception that Ian was a liar and Tom was all good and noble. Tom didn't out and out lie as much, but he was such a weasel. He manipulated and misled and he used people and then tossed them aside. I know we're not supposed to say that about a FIREMAN, you know, who SAVES LIVES for Pete's sake, but you know what? There are firemen and policemen and yes, even soldiers who remain jerks, despite being brave and whatnot [on a related note, Thank you, Kaysar, for getting sanctimonious lunatic fireman Eric out of the Big Brother house]. Anyway, Tom tells Steph that he's sympathetic to her plight, because he's gonna be in the same place she is in two votes. Actually, it's one vote, Tom, but if you actually believed that, you would accept Steph's offer to help you...right? Instead Tom decides to give his tribe a bizarre speech.

TOM'S BIZARRE SPEECH

Tom calls everyone together and declares, "You weak bunch a idiots uh all still heyuh on account of MY leadership, and MY being so strong and winning all those challenges single handedly and you shouldn't punish me for being so great an' everything. No one's evuh won duh million dollars by winnin' all of duh rewards [Porn Star Brian did it in Thailand]so...don't you all go and do something smart like...vote me out or anything, okay? And don't give me dat weenie excuse about "Oh, Tom's a THREAT," we all know that recognizing threats is for cowards!" THen he goes off to float in the ocean, leaving the others to laugh at him behind his back and marvel at how desperate he came off, YET they won't get rid of him this week. Whatever. Gregg tells the others, "There's a reason the strong people don't ever win--they get voted out!" This is actually NOT historically true. Very dominant people have won before (Porn Star Brian, Ethan) and several have come in second place (Kelly in season one, Colby in season two and Boston Rob in All Stars won almost every challenge). Tom is behaving like a typical reality-show contest, and demanding a double standard: Steph is a great competitor so she MUST go, whereas he is a great competitor so he MUST stay. Which is valid in terms of wanting to win, it's just annoying when people start resenting it when other people try just as hard to win. Steph floats the idea of a woman's alliance to vote out the boys, and Katie and Jenn are all open to it, and all agree Tom would be the first to go. This works for Jenn and Katie because they can flip on Tom, and then flip back on Steph so they can stick with their partners (Gregg and Ian, respectively). Steph is at least not going out like a sucker--she knows she's probably a goner so she's trying to work every angle she can, "You want to think I'm a threat? I'll show you how threatening I am!" she smiles. America wishes she wasn't doomed...

REWARD LIMERICK

It's time to submit all your bids
before we will take off the lids
you'll just have to guess
what's worth more, what's worth-less
be it food or a note from your kids

So, it's the traditional auction of food. The Survivors apparently DO watch the show, because they are now all hip to the fact that they may need to save some of their money in case some letters from home go up on the block, as they did in All-Stars and the Amazon. Everyone gets $500 and Jeff tells them they can keep what they don't spend, which I don't remember him ever saying before. Even the new money smells delicious to our starving Survivors. The dishes are all covered, adding an element of danger to the proceedings. Jenn shakes with emotion after laying down $120 for an ice-cream sundae. Steph and Caryn go in together on an item, and then Jeff offers them a choice, and they use they're awesome smelling skills to discern a cheeseburger fries and soda from a plate of cheese and crackers. Ian avoids a jar of live crabs and gets a plate of spaghetti. As he's eating it, Jeff gasps, "Wow, Ian, you REEK!" And everyone agrees. Ian then lays down $40 on a cold beer. Tom wins the letter from home for $220 and then Jeff offers the letters to everyone else at the same price--Ian is the only one who can't pony up the funds. Tom cries as he looks at a drawing made by his little daughter--well, I never said he was EVIL. The auction is concluded, leaving Jenn miffed because Jeff doesn't let them bid on the cheese and crackers Steph and Caryn passed on earlier, and frankly, I think Jenn's got a point here.

MONKEY ARMS AND MONKEY BUSINESS

Ian declares, "I'm taking a bath, in honor of Jeff Probst." He gets Gregg to help wash his back, "Because I have long monkey arms," Ian claims, which leads to much giggling back at camp, because it does seem...kinda gay. Not there's anything wrong with that. Jenn chuckles, "I think they could've asked a girl to loofuh their backs, if they wanted to." "It was kind of a Grecian bath," Ian admits, "But I'm secure in my sexuality!" Tom continues to keep Caryn on a string, giving her the same lame line he's been giving Steph--he's not going to HELP her, per se, but he's gonna TRY to help her. If it doesn't interfere with HIS game. And Caryn is amazingly okay with this, I guess because she doesn't have any real friends in camp so what else is she going to do? More on that later...

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

Your tiles you will want to see broke
If you want in with the Survivin' folk
If you fail to shatter
your strength doesn't matter
and your chance of success is a joke

Tom claims to be nervous about going home tonight, which I just don't believe. I think he's saying that so he doesn't sound arrogant, the same way everyone always claims that they don't trust ANYONE, even when they do, so that when they get blind sided they can claim they weren't REALLY fooled, because they'd already called dibs on not actually trusting anyone. Even though they all clearly do trust someone. The Immunity challenge involves tossing coconuts at some tiles on the ground, in an attempt to break all five that have been assigned to you. If you break someone else's, it counts. It's kinda like that game Toss A-Cross, remember? Tic Tac Toe + beanbags = hours of preschool fun. Steph is bummed that challenge doesn't involve stamina or will power, and she's right to worry because she stinks at the challenge. Ian dominates and wins immunity, and you can tell by how happy everyone is that the plan is still to oust Steph. Or is it?

GIRL POWER...OR NOT

It's raining, and while Tom lounges in the hammock, Katie and Caryn go off to the caves to get snails. While they're alone, Katie tries to get Caryn to join the other girls in a ladies alliance, "There's four of us and three of them and you and I don't' have a chance at beating them at any kind of challenge so why not get rid of Tom right now while we have the chance? I mean, I love Tom and I'll totally cry when I stab him in the back but I'm also a total bitch so I'll get over it real quick." Why Caryn doesn't go for this, I have NO idea. Maybe she doesn't trust Katie (which is valid), maybe she's in thrall of Tom's firemanness, or I dunno, maybe she really does value her word over her chances in a TV game show. Anyway, she goes running straight to Tom (CUT TO: Vanuatu's Ami sitting on her couch with her girlfriend, and blowing a gasket) and tells him that Katie discussed the idea of forming a women's alliance to get rid of him and instead of being grateful to her, he gets all suspicious and barks, "Why are ya telling me this?" and Caryn shrugs, "Because I told you I would." And Tom's all, "Uh, well, lemme see if Ian believes ya and I'll get back to ya." Whatever, Tom. Tom tells Ian, and Ian accuses Caryn of making it up to cause trouble. Then he confronts his gal pal Katie about the whole thing, and she cops to thinking about it, because she doesn't stand a chance of beating either Tom or Ian in the Final Two and he says he thinks she could beat him, which is a total lie because the whole reason Tom and Ian are keeping her around is that they know how easy she'd be to beat in the Final Two, duh. Ian and Katie reaffirm their friends to the end alliance, and later Ian vows to get rid of Steph and then Caryn, while Katie complains, "We can't get a female alliance together because Caryn sucks!" Word. Caryn frets, "I think I'm screwed because Katie told Ian I'm playing both sides." Yet it's Caryn's refusal to play both sides that's actually gonna get her out the door. Eventually. King Gregg is worried that his pawns are going to deviate from the plan before he has a chance to checkmate Tom, while Steph reasons, "If they're smart, and are playing for themselves, they'll get rid of Tom." But they're not smart, and whether they know it or not, everybody else is playing for Tom......WE INTERRUPT THIS SURVIVOR REVIEW TO BRING YOU THE LATEST INSTALLMENT OF:**THE CHACHI AND AMBER REPORT**
Leave it to CBS to exploit people's religious practices for a cheap laugh. The racers have to negotiate themselves through some whirling dervishes. Neither Amber nor Chachi know what they are, and Chachi cracks, "Ah tink its a topless woman." No, it's someone taking part in an odd but sacred ritual, Rob. Like the Red Sox playing at Fenway only with God instead of baseball? Oh, never mind. They get to the airport and Chachi orders the travel agent not to let anyone else use the Internet. Uh, okay. They get to London where they pick up an English Sanjo to do all that pesky thinking the other teams have to do for themselves. They get on the giant Millennium Ferris Wheel, and Rob yells, "Ah feel lahk ah'm in outuh space ovuh ear!" Sometimes, Rob really seems retahded. English Sanjo deciphers a clue leading the pair to Baker Street, which is fortunate since Ambuh and Chachi wouldn't know Sherlock Holmes from Magnum P.I. They get to the Yield first and Yield former pals (aka suckers) Ron and Kelly and proceed to drive a Bid Double Decker bus through some cones. It's very HAAAAAAD, but eventually Chachi does it and they win the leg easily and get yet prize, this time a Home Entertainment System. This season of the Amazing Race should've been renamed, "Boston Rob and Amber's Amazing Wedding Shower."

TRIBAL COUNCIL

In a very uneventful Tribal Council, Steph seems at peace with her imminent ouster, though Caryn voices concern that she could go too. Tom gives everyone a reprise of his "Don't hate me because I'm powerful" speech, and Steph warns everyone that they don't know what it's like to have to backstab anyone in their little clique yet, and that things could get ugly.

Steph finishes in 7th place, where Gervase was voted out by the First Alliance, and where Nick exited Australia--black guy, Ivy league? Was a model or something? I'm very tired of being accused of making this guy up, especially since season 2 is out on DVD--you can verify this for yourselves, people. In Africa, weird Frank said goodbye at this stage and in Marquesas we lost Tammy, who had this great bio on paper, but that never translated into her being very interesting. A lot of boring people have finished 7th--in Thailand we lost perky Penny, who became vaguely conniving and bitchy but not in an altogether interesting way. In the Amazon, Alex went from hero to zero when he followed Deena's lead and became arrogant and jerky and was thus overthrown. In the Pearl Islands, plucky Tijuana finished 7th and in Vanuatu Ami's immunity protected her against the power play that cost her her right-hand gal LeAnn, who I had really liked until she became kinda power-mad. Survivor, it will break your heart.

Looking at this list though, I can honestly say that Steph's ouster this season is the first time 7th place has really hurt. I know they've said they'd never do "All-Stars" again, but if they did, Steph'd be at the top of the list.

My goal is to get the remaining three review out to you and up on the blog http://opinionjamboree.blogspot.com/ before next season starts--I've given up on making any promises. I'll pull a Tom and promise to TRY ;)

Peace Out!

Christine