Survivor 6.13 NOOOOOooooooooooo! >:O

Yeah, Jenna won. No, I didn't jump out of a window, yeah it took me over two months to re-watch the episode and another month on top of that to put fingers to keyboard and share my thoughts....And though you may not care anymore, my neuroses demand that I finish this season's reviews before I start the next. My finale reviews are always a little half-assed (creatively speaking that is, they're still way too long) so forgive me...

You may remember that when we last left Jenna, she was allegedly sick with tonsillitis and when she gets it, it's like, so much worse than when regular people get it because it's also pharyngitis, which is an inflammation of the pharynx AND the larynx. She is just ducky the rest of her stay in the Amazon, I'm just saying. Do they give them antibiotics out there? Or was Jenna phaking the phlegm? Anyway, its storming at camp John Le Carre, and the guys are all stoked about ousting self-proclaimed super-genius Heidi. Rob's words of wisdom to the fellas at home, "No matter how hot you think a girl is, somebody somewhere is sick of dealing with her crap." Yeah, DUH, Rob. Vain twits with big fake boobs are high-maintenance bitches, who would've thunk it? And I'm sorry, I'll admit Jenna is pretty but Heidi is a ferret.

The Final Four of Butch, Rob, Jenna and Sir Matt have the cliché "Survivor" "Gosh, can you believe WE'RE the Final Four" talk, where they pretend to really just be glad to be there and happy for the others, even though they're actually trying to figure out how to screw two people over and still get their vote at the end. The boys are all gunning for Jenna, who pretends to be cool with that, "Like, since I have pharyngitis, which is an inflammation of the pharynx AND the larynx, I'd really like to go to the Amazon Ramada Inn anyways." And poor dumb Butch buys every word of it, "Well, Jenna's sick so we menfolk are gonna send her onto the jury real simple like. And Rob and Matt and I have formed an EXTREMELY strong alliance, so Jenna's absolutely positively going to go next." Oh Butch, what's a nice junior-high school principal doing in an unprincipled game like "Survivor." The boys can't wait to get rid of the last girl so the best man can win--it was pretty infuriating. The next morning, Matt goes around hacking things up and setting them on fire, "Mr. Machete and I took great pleasure in dismembering the camp site, and then Butch danced a jig for us--ever so much fun!"

Immunity Haiku

Good morning morons
This ain't Trivial Pursuit
Jenna's got a chance

The challenge is a tribute to Earth Wind Fire and Water. The contestants must groove their way through a maze while blindfolded, to find four keys that correspond to those elements. Everyone keeps bumping into one another, and since they have their arms out in front of them, Jenna keeps getting "accidentally" felt-up, but she perseveres because she knows to stay in the game, she's got to get immunity into her life. Matt tries to help Butch for some reason, maybe taking the "teaming up on Jenna" thing to literally--it's not team sport, dumb-ass, just find the keys. Shining Star Jenna winds up kicking the guys butts. When Jeff places the fire-damaged immunity necklace around her neck she's breathes, "You don't know how BAD I needed this!" Jeff frowns, "You DO know I watch the show, right?" The men go from arrogant to ass-kissing in no time--that's the way of the world. No "Survivor" has ever had so many reversals of fortune as "Amazon", and that's why its one of the best ever!

Back at camp, Sir Matt slyly asks Rob, "UH, I say, good man, care to journey with me to the river's edge where we could WASH CLOTHES?" Rob nods, "Yeah, sure, Matt. That sounds like a great idea, I would LOVE to WASH CLOTHES with you!" The ever-paranoid Matt sputters, "Rob, promise me you'll inform either myself or my agent, Mr. Machete, if Jenna should come to you and say that she wants to get rid of Matt." Rob rolls his eyes and assures him that so long as they both vote for Butch, they'll be cool. Then he begs Matt not to screw him over which fuels the ego of the already delusional Matt, who doesn't realize Rob is just working him. Meanwhile, Butch tries to sell Jenna on a partnership, "You know, it would, it would be pretty neat-o if, if, the oldest and, and the youngest person were the last two contestants." Jenna says, "Well you know Rob totally screwed me over so of course I want him gone. So as of now, okay, we have an agreement." FYI, if someone ever says to you that "as of now" you have an agreement? You don't have an agreement. Especially if that person is a self-absorbed swim-suit model who is competing against you for a million dollars. Later that day, Jenna agrees with Matt that Butch hasn't played the game, doesn't deserve to be there, and that he should go. They vow to take one another to the Final 2, a promise that Matt would have to break if he honors his similar alliance with Rob.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff asks the jury to explain how they've gotten to the Final Four, and Butch says earnestly, "I've accomplished more in this game than I ever dreamed of. I've, I've worked hard, I've never put anyone down, I've stayed positive and I look for the good in every single person." The remaining contestants shift uncomfortably, knowing they're about to oust the nice guy. Sir Matt further irritates the already hostile jury by raving, "I have a multi-faceted strategy based on honesty, integrity, intelligence and an alliance with Mr. Machete and other inanimate objects whom I choose not to disclose at this time." Rob is self-deprecating as he claims merely to have zigged when he should have zigged and zagged when he should have zagged. Jenna rhapsodizes over her ability to overcome pharyngitis and being screwed over while Heidi beams with adoration from the sidelines--seriously, I think Heidi likes Jenna in a much deeper way than Jenna likes Heidi. If you know what I mean. And I think you do. Jeff asks Jenna how it felt to have all three of the guys coming to her to work a deal. "Jeff, being the center of the universe has always come natural to me, from my early days as a spoiled only child to my current incarnation as sorority turned fashion model." Butch is ousted 3-1 (he votes for Rob). Forth placers are often surprised to be odd-man out in their alliances, like Stoopid Soo, Big Tom, and Thailand's recently duped Helen. Paschal was eliminated at this point in an unlucky tie-break game of chance. Li'l Elisabeth was the only one who KNEW she was gone when she didn't win immunity. Butch probably DID believe he was gonna outlast Rob, but he's not bitter. It just isn't in him.

Back at camp, the remainders are attacked by moths (coincidence or divine retribution for axing the goodly Butch?). They spend the day eating all the remaining food, and going through the played out ritual of seeing how much weight they lost. The scale is in kilograms--I guess maybe CBS thought seeing dumb starving people try to math might be interesting but let's face it, math is never interesting. At least skinny Jenna refers to being under 100 lbs. as a bad thing. She claims her usual weight is about 120, which is about what I weighed when I was in high school. Enjoy it while it lasts, sucker! Then Jeff rounds them up and takes them on a seaplane ride to tour the camp from overhead before they take a canoe ride to a hut where they decorate and paint themselves "like warriors" so that the jury can laugh at them. I swear Matt's sole purpose in all this is to give boring exposition of what we have just seen with our own eyes. Matt is considering throwing the competition, thinking he's both Rob and Jenna's choice and then he doesn't have to betray either of them.

TRIBAL COUNCIL AND FINAL IMMUNITY HAIKU

If you lose balance
your heart will be as heavy
as this stupid hat

The jury walks in wearing homemade arm bracelets but their significance remains a mystery to this day. The painted-up Final three must stand on a small perch while holding a heavy headdress above their heads which is tied to their waist. It's a fairly standard battle of balance and will that the Survivor Finale is famous for. I think Africa's was actually a quiz that Colby won, but all the rest have come down to holding on to something longer than anyone else (and women have won such contests 4 out of 5 times in Survivor history though in one of those, Marquesas, only women remained in the game anyway). Matt does indeed take himself out of the contest, pretending to lose his balance waaaaaay to early to make it seem unintentional. I don't know what he gains by it seeming unintentional, but that is his, er, intention. Richard Hatch threw the very first Final Three Battle of Wills, screwing over the old and easily-distracted Rudy who was no match for fit and focused Kelly. But he didn't go, "Whoops! Oh good heavens, I have unintentionally lost my balance and possibly my shot a million dollars, oh heavens, now whatever should I do!" Hatch knew they both thought they could beat him in vote, and arrogant ass that he was, he told them so. Turning to history himself, Rob offers Jenna a deal ala Vecepia and Neleh, who agreed to take one another once Krazy Kath lost her footing. But Jenna rejects the offer, "Like, um, let's just see who wins and then we'll like, pick who we want to pick, mmmkay?" Which means she either doesn't trust Rob to keep his word or she's decided to take Matt as they agreed earlier. When Jeff asks Matt if he's surprised that Rob is trying to deal with Jenna he responds, "Since I clearly have no understanding of this game or of Rob, yes. I am very surprised." Rob falters, and Jenna wins. Alex and Heidi pee their pants, they're so happy for their homegirl. Jenna claims she will make her choice based on "Who deserves to win--I consider myself a competitor and I don't want to take someone who I totally like, KNOW I could beat." Uh...well that's...stupid. Jenna votes to axe a heartsick Rob. He joins Rudy, Keith Famie, Lex, Kathy and Jan in wouldacouldashouldaville. And you know what? It's pretty scary that someone I dubbed Krazy Kath is actually the sanest person on that list.

Matt and Jenna spend their last day in camp by painting the names of the fallen survivors on a crate. Yeah, it's come to that. No epic spiritual journey past signposts bearing the names of "the fallen," nope, they just give Matt and Jenna a 2$ can of paint. Was the production staff on a sickout or something? Anyway, the two offer their very shallow observations about the not-final 14, and then talk a lot about themselves. Matt has learned he should spend more time watching TV if he REALLY wants to learn about the human race, as opposed to say studying Swedish. Jenna sings another refrain of "I'm so young and pretty." Then Jenna nervously humors Matt when he suggests they take all the extra (auctionable, but whatever) stuff lying around camp, pile it on the canoe, and light it on fire. When he does this, he comes seriously, dangerously close to burning his face off, which MAY explain why it sort of looks that way in the first place. Then we have interviews of the jury. Heidi trash talks Matt in favor of her beloved Jenna while Butch praises Matt's super work around camp. Alex wants an honest answer, "I want someone to say, "Yeah, I came here to kick ass, and I KICKED ASS." I was hoping this was leading to a "Tootsie" moment, where Matt would say exactly that and then Alex would throw a drink in his face, but sadly that doesn't happen. Rob anticipates that both of them will claim to have played with integrity even though they both lied. Dave--remember Dave? Self-proclaimed rocket-scientist? Sorta? He kind of goes off on a bitter rant.

TRIBAL COUNCIL FOR THE DRIP AND THE DIP

Rob arrives shaved which is a shame because I thought the beard was starting to work for him. Jenna's opening speech is pretty lame, "You guys like, totally know that I played this game with like, totally awesome morals, just like my mother--who happens to have cancer--taught me." Matt's opening speech is insufferable, "I caught you fish, I was dedicated to the TRIBE. I played honorably and with heart! In fact, if not for the work that Mr. machete and I performed on your behalf, you all would have surely perished."

Onto the Q&A (and the jury, with one notable exception, asked GREAT questions this time :)
Butch isn't even able to ask his question before a huge branch breaks free and almost smashes him. No joke! He calls them on their claims of integrity, and tells them to come clean about the lying thing. Jenna cops to deceiving Deena when she was about to be voted out, while Matt owns that he lied to Ryan and Alex--but only to save his own skin. Rob does not disappoint, asking them to stop being nice and tell him why the other person does NOT deserve to win. Matt yaps about how Jenna was a whiny quitter who never contributed to THE TRIBE, while Jenna more convincingly calls Matt just plain lucky to be there. He didn't play the game so much as he was brought along by everyone for strategic purposes, plus he's a freaking rich weirdo who doesn't need the money. Alex asks each player to state their biggest regret in the game, and Jenna's answer is vague, "I shouldn't have trusted people so much." A pitiful answer for someone who obviously didn't suffer much for it, considering she's got a 50-50 shot a million bucks. Matt goes all the way back to the beginning of the game, when he sided with Ryan instead of Butch and Roger. Sling Heidi wonder, "Mmmmm. I be wonderin' who you think deserves to be up there instead of you, mmmmm hmmmm." Matt is quick to say Rob, "Without Rob's tutelage, I would not be here--and had I won the last TC, he would be at my side right now." Yeah, and why DIDN'T you win, Matt? Oh yeah, you blew the competition on purpose. Sheesh, the noyve of that guy! Jenna also praises Rob as the games best player and in an ALL TIME Christine's personal Survivor Highlight top ten moment, Heidi HUMILIATES herself by not taking Rob for an answer, "Is there anyone else?!? Anyone? Jenna, it was supposed to be you and me!! You and ME TO THE VERY END!!!" And then Jeff has to step in, "Uh, they didn't say you, sweetie. Deal with it." It was awesome. Deena tosses Jenna a softball, while nailing Matt with his "may the best man win" comment at an earlier Tribal Council. Matt responds, "Fair maiden, I do not recall saying any such thing and don't you worry your pretty little head about it." Conversely, Christy goes easy on Matt but asks Jenna to explain her "being pretty is a handicap" remark form weeks past. Jenna says, "I don't know if I said "handicapped" and Christy shoots back, "I do. I remember quite clearly--does anyone else here remember her saying that?" Rob nods vehemently as America jumps up from its collective sofa and shouts, "YES! YES! You said being pretty was a handicap! We remember! We remmeber and we hate!!" Jenna apologizes for any offense, and clarifies that she meant that she was afraid people saw her as not being strong or smart because she was a 21-year-old swim suit model (she keeps throwing that credit around and you just know it was for the Sports Chalet in Pittsburg or whatever. Then Dave, mistaking this for a college entrance exam, asks each candidate to explain what modern influential leader did they emulate during this game. Matt replies, "Colin Powell. I have really emulated his concept of versatility." Now, I have to defend Matt here by saying there is no possible way to answer this question seriously and not come off like a complete tool. Rather than look ridiculous by comparing herself to Indira Gandhi, Jenna says she don't no nuthin' about world leaders--she just tries to emulate her mom. Somewhere in Pennsylvania, poor Mrs. Morasca is insisting to her family and friends that she has never and would never strip nekkid for chocolate and peanut butter. In the damage control closing statements, Matt admits to being a liar while remaining proud of his strength, while Jenna admits she didn't get to the Final Two without help but she thinks she deserves props for winning immunity when she needed it. The only votes we see revealed before the Finale Reunion are the gimmee votes of Butch for Matt and Heidi for Jenna.

NYC

Jeff is shown jet-skiing from the Amazon to New York, and then delivering the votes by subway and on foot in an adorable little montage :) Everyone's cleaned up and healthy--Matt looks surprisingly gorgeous, his facial muscles having somehow reattached to the right bones. Jenna wins 6-1. Jeff seems as flabbergasted as I was, but he comes back form the commercial break reminding us that Jenna won 4 of the 8 immunity contests (second only to Colby). I guess in the end, Matt was seen as a socially-retarded nut-job with too much money--maybe he can be ABC's next bachelor! Matt joins Kelly, Colby (sigh), Old Kim, Neleh and Evil Clay, while Jenna joins Rich Hatch, Tina, Ethan (swoon), Vecepia and Super Evil Brian. Looking at that list, I'd call Jenna my third-favorite winner--that's depressing as all hell.

I thought the Q&A was pretty dull. Jeanne got off some good insults at Heidi and Jenna's expense. Jeff points out to the audience that Christy is using a translator for the reunion, "That would have come in handy out in the Amazon, eh Deafy?" Christy makes a universally-understood gesture. Jenna owns her bad behavior, saying rather wisely, "I watched myself on TV and you know what, I AM spolied, and I can be annoying. It's very hard to have a learning experience in front of a viewing audience that doesn't know your learning!" In fact, that sounds a little TOO wise for our girl, I imagine a team of agents at ICM came up with that. Matt claims he was only acting psycho and Alex becomes so riled up and inarticulate in his insistence that Matt really IS a madman that Jeff has to tell him to shut the hell up. My embarrassment over my Alex crush is gonna make me very tentative about falling in love with any of those Season 7 dudes, let me tell you. He turned in to such a dork! Jeff brings up the fact that a woman won the Battle of the Sexes. I bring up that the winners have gone boy-girl-boy-girl so consistently that I keep having to have arguments with people who insist that proves the show is rigged (morons). But if you believe in the odds, pick a guy to win Season 7. Heidi gets hissed when they show a clip of her infamous "Younger, prettier girls" speech, and doesn't win anyone over by once again insisting that no one liked her because of her superior athleticism and intelligence, Ay Carumba! Jeff makes it all worse by telling us that Heidi's IQ is one of the all-time highest they've ever had on the show. Then Heidi and Jenna defend taking their clothes off for the chocolate and peanut butter "because we were starving!!" I don't know why Jeff continues to play along with them because it makes him look creepy. Jenna and Heidi got to eat because they jumped off the poll. They could have kept their clothes on and got better food but they wanted to do their Playboy audition--which worked, apparently. They posed TOGETHER in a recent issue and if anyone has it, I'm dying to see how creepy it is. I also imagine Heidi is no longer employed by the Missouri Dept. of Education, so there IS an upside to all this, at least for the children. The End.

Tomorrow: Survivor Pearl Islands, or as I like to think of it *cue Magnum, P.I. theme* Survivor, P.I.! See you there!