Survivor 12.11 "You're so beautiful, brother, but this is for strategy."

BEFORE WE BEGIN

Sorry, sorry, for the delay. I hope to catch up soon--it's my goal to get the review of the finale out before, oh, the end of May, lets say, rather than wait until the new season begins in September. Really.

Have you all heard that George Lucas is going to release the Star Wars Trilogy on DVD in its original, non-CGI'd format? This means the return of the "Yub Yub" song at the Ewok Celebration and the return of "Lapti Nek," the disco-rock number at Jabba's palace in Return of the Jedi, and, more importantly, it restores Star Wars to it's original state, sans the terrible Hutt/Solo scene (deleted for a reason, it sucked) that puts Boba Fett in the movie (sorry fan boys!) etc. In other words, we can watch the version of the movie that won Lucas' ex-wife an Oscar for Best Editing. I'm geeking out over this, especially since I always thought Lucas was to stubborn to do it. Maybe he needs the cash to move his company from the Presidio to the Moon....

WE GET IT, SHANE, YOU'RE "CRAZY"

The episode begins with Terry off fishing by himself. He tells us, "Bruce's horrifyingly painful ordeal was great for me because I didn't have to participate in a challenge and I need to win all of them because I have this huge target on my back. So, hurray for bowel obstruction." Then there's this whole extended discussion over the fact that Shane has found a piece of wood that allegedly reminds him of his Blackberry (his pda) so he goes off to his thinking rock and acts all crazy, talking about talking to "real people" thru imaginary text messages, and everyone else in camp is all, "Shane's crazy!" Shane's an ACTOR, people, and that's all he's doing--he wants to guarantee himself some more screen time, and he knows it's too close to the Final vote to alienate people with one of his early-season abusive verbal smackdowns.

IF A CAR IS WON ON SURVIVOR, AND NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT, DOES IT MAKE A CURSE?

Everyone gathers for the Reward challenge, which is ostensibly for a rockin' BBQ, to be consumed by one of two randomly selected teams. The first team is Terry, Courtney and Danielle, and the second team is Aras, Shane and Cirie. They are tied together and have to go thru and obstacle course on the beach, then over some pontoons and thru the water and then they can unhook from one another so that each team member can run across some more pontoons and dive for a bag, and bring the bag back to the finish. It's very anticlimactic, because Cirie, Aras and Shane get all tangled up in the water, making victory fairly easy for Danielle, Courtney and Terry to achieve. They then have to decide who to exile, and Courtney and Danielle wash their hands of the decision that Terry gets to make--Aras. Shane and Cirie head back to camp, "More beans for us, Cirie," Shane chirps. Once the losers are gone, Jeff reveals to the winners that they will break tiles with a slingshot in order to try to win this years Cursed Car: the environmental nightmare known as the fully-loaded 2007 GMC Yukon. Terry is in his full-on, overgrown Beach Boy mode as he gushes, "Dude, excellent!" *Yawn* of course Terry wins. It's unclear whether anyone bothers to tell the losers about the car challenge--the car is never mentioned by anyone after the BBQ--Jeff doesn't even bring it up at Tribal Council. It's weird, because last year, Cindy's new car was so pivotal and divisive. Maybe everyone's so used to Terry kicking their butts, they don't even care anymore? It was just weird that no one ever says, 'Hey, Terry won a freaking car, at least on camera. I don't get it, kids. I really hope the car is still cursed: remember, no one who's directly won a car on Survivor has won the million dollars. Sigh. I'm already bracing myself now for Terry's seemingly inevitable win, and having to sit thru the finale where he's dubbed "The most dominant player in the game, he got the hidden Idol and didn't even NEED it," ugh.

The winners are flown to their BBQ on a small plane, or as Terry says, they're "airplaned off." I guess that's a technical term from the fighter pilot. "My Yukon is righteous, man. Cowabunga!" Courtney drones, "It was like, really like awesome to like, be on the winning side for like, a change." So clearly, she's in the mood to scheme when Terry says, "You know, I'd do anything to get US to the Final Three, and not just because beating I'm certain I can kick your butts at everything." Courtney agrees, "That would be sweet--you keep winning rewards and take us! This is like, the dream team." Yes, she really called them "a dream team." Danielle, by the way, is off forming an alliance with a soccer ball she's kicking around during all this, you know, Survivor-playing. So if clueless is a key component to a "dream team", she's your gal. Courtney feels that sitting next to Terry in the Finals is a good way to get the money, and I used to think this was true, but I'm more and more worried that the fact that Terry hasn't had to betray anyone, and HAS dominated the challenges, makes him the clear winner, despite his off-putting "I am so great" 'tude. Courtney is eager to target Aras, just as Terry is. When Danielle finally shows up, Terry fills her in, and says, "We'll be the Final Four with Cirie, then we get rid of her--she can't win Immunity--with my pocket Idol...actually, with our three votes, I never have to use it, and let's keep it that way." Danielle just kinda nods her head, then tells us she's not going to make things easy on Terry. We'll see...

Aras uses his time in Exile to do half-naked yoga while the helicopter cam shoots a gratuitous sweeping shot of his sweaty and toned bod. I'm sure that did something for somebody.

GONE FISHIN'

Shane and Cirie enjoy their alone time, and revel in the fact that they are on to the Final Five. Shane is certain that Danielle will go when Terry wins Immunity, and Cirie agrees, though she's actually unthrilled with this. She knows that Shane wants to take Courtney to the Finals, because his best--maybe only shot at winning involves being up against an Annoying Poseur, and she admits to us that she'd like to get rid of Courtney sooner rather than later. A snail crawls its way out of the snail pot, perhaps symbolizing Danielle's imminent escape from eviction. Cirie decides to take the fishing gear out, "I'm coming back with a fish," she declares. In a hilarious sequence, she squeals with fear and horror as she smashes a snail from it's shell so she can use it as bait. Remarkably, the inexperienced Cirie catches a pretty huge fish, and shrieks with delight and terror as she drags it back to camp. "Is it dead yet?" She keeps saying, pulling thru the sand and mud rather than touch it with her bare hands. It turns out, it's Shane's birthday, (making this November of last year, if you're wondering) so Cirie enters camp singing "Happy Birthday," and both SHane and Cirie are tickled and proud of her accomplishment, especially since Terry's been out fishing every day with no luck. The winners return from their BBQ and are also suitably impressed. I heart Cirie.

SNAILS AND BETRAYALS

Danielle and Terry are smashing snails together (you have to resort to some pretty weird past times when you don't have a television set), when Danielle wonders who Terry wants to take to the Final Two--she's sure it's obnoxious Courtney, and she insists she's not going to settle for second place. Terry claims, "I haven't really thought about it," which, in Survivor, ALWAYS means, "I've thought about nothing else in the last 30 days but I don't want you know the decision I've made." Because, seriously, what else is there to do out there? They're smashing snails, they're talking to their loved one on pieces of driftwood, okay? There's nothing else to do! Anyway, Terry agrees to Dani's suggestion that they and Courtney will just agree that in the Final Three Challenge, whoever comes in first and second will go to the Finals, to be fair. When Danielle fills in Courtney on the fair arrangement, she ends by saying, "Dis way, nobahdy gets a free ride, aright?" Courtney sputters, "Please, like, no one's like, getting a free ride, dude!" She then does her passive aggressive thing, "But like, whatever, it doesn't make like, any difference to me!" Even though, it clearly makes ALL the difference to her. She runs to the cameraman, miffed, and rants, "Like, Danielle didn't even like, REALIZE how insulting that was to me! But clearly she was talking about ME, because, like I suck so bad! So like, OBVIOUSLY I'D be the one getting like, a free ride!" Courtney...respect yourself. And is this even true? How has it been proved that Danielle is more athletic than Courtney? ANyway, Courtney gets so insulted and crazed, she mouths off in front of Cirie, and Cirie asks Danielle, "Uh...so what was that all about, all that whoever wins stuff--whoever wins what?" And Danielle nonchalantly explains the deal she and Terry came up with about the fair way to decide the Final Two in a Final Four that includes Cirie and the three girls. Cirie shakes her head, "They brainwashed Danielle during that BBQ. And I'm gonna be fourth place in that Final Four, please, I'm not stupid." She certainly isn't. She tries to impress upon Danielle that they're playing Terry's game right now--it he wants so badly to be in a Final Two with Courtney, why take her at all? She also tries to make her see that the "fair" plan is weighted towards Terry because he's physically stronger than all of them--he's probably gonna win, and if not, surely he'll win second, right? Why give him what he wants? Danielle just kinda nods her head. Cirie vows, "I want to get rid of Courtney like yesterday. Some kind of way, Courtney's goin'. B'lee dat." WORD!

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Aras returns from Exile, and Terry loans Jeff his Immunity Necklace, so they can continue in the charade that any of these guys can beat him at anything. Seriously. Old Kim won an Immunity Challenge, Vecepia, won a challenge...uh...Darrah, won one. Why can these guys beat Terry ONCE?? The challenge has the Survivors kneeling on a aboard, supporting an equal percentage of their body weight by holding onto tow ropes. They start with 20% of their own weight, and every 15 minutes, another 10% is added. When they let go of both ropes, they are unceremoniously dumped into the water. Shane is out first, the only person unable to handle the 20%. At 30%, we quickly lose Cirie and Danielle. Courtney obviously brought some Zen from Bruce's garden, because she seems to be at peace and not struggling at all during the challenge. Aras falters, and Jeff sees fit to give him an excuse, "Two days on Exile Island taking it's toll on Aras." Terry begins to really falter, and it appears that Courtney might beat win as they both hold 40% of their own weight. But eventually, Courtney loses one rope and then the other, and she goes into the drink with a smile on her face. I mean, like, why should she care about Immunity tonight, when she's got it worked out that Aras is going home, right? Terry cheers for himself, as everyone else rolls their eyes...

CIRIE MAKES IT HAPPEN, B'LEE DAT

Terry is a happy camper when they return to, well, camp. "Aras is going, and I finally have friends again, it's wicked gnarly, dudes!" But he doesn't know that while he's relaxing, Cirie's going to work. First, she neutralizes Courtney, by assuring her that she's in on the "vote out Aras" plan, so long as Courtney keeps her mouth shut and doesn't mention anything to Shane. Courtney is more than happy to along with this, because she's "afraid" of facing the wrath of Shane tomorrow (read: secretly thrilled and excited at the prospect of being the center of his attention). Then Courtney gives Terry this...bird call...like, you know, in the movies, when someone's trying to be all secret? And Terry comes up to her and she's all, "Hey, I gave you a run for your money, at least," and he does his phony Terry ass-kissing thing, "You kicked my ass...except for the part where, you know, I won and you lost." Terry flashes his gap-toothed grin, "I'm feeling really confident and really good. Aras is gonna be gone, and I'm finally gonna have the numbers advantage I want, because, as I like to say twice and episode, I have this HUGE target on my back, and I insist on complaining about it even though I won a car today and I have an Immunity Idol in my pocket." Meanwhile, Cirie continues to spin like a top, meeting with Aras, Shane and Courtney to go thru with the charade, for Shane's sake, that they're all set to vote out Danielle. But Cirie is determined to undermine both Shane and Terry's plans to take Courtney to the Finals, so she then goes and tells a grateful Aras EVERYTHING, and they scoop in the ever mercurial Danielle, who seems onboard to take out Courtney, not Aras...maybe. Cirie lays it out for her, "Okay, Courtney thinks we're voting for Aras, and that Aras is voting for you. Shane thinks Aras, Courtney and I are voting for YOU." Danielle's head explodes, "Wait...am I still Danielle? Oh ah you me now, an' does that mean yuh me? AN' what's my soccuh ball doing duhring all dis?" Cirie is worried about Danielle's ability to come thru for her and Aras...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

The jury is brought out: Austin, and Sally, who's wearing WAY too much make-up and is hardly recognizable. She looks awful. Seriously, this side of 7th grade girls, no one wears too much make-up as badly as women on Survivor. Then everyone rejoices as a relaxed and unknotted Bruce arrives, looking good and happy. Then Jeff starts in on the questioning, and Terry tries to downplay the potential bonding that may have gone on between Terry and the girls at the BBQ. Jeff DOES NOT mention that Terry won a car. Cirie doesn't let him get away with it, "Please, as long as your torch is lit, you're playing this game--or at least you should be, suckuhs!" Terry shrugs, "no one has come to me saying , "Yo, T, you're controlling this whole game, so why don't we form an alliance, dude. It's really disappointing because I'd really love it if people started calling me T. It's just, you know, righteous to have a nickname, man. Oh, and it'd be neat to have allies because as it is, I have to win EVERY challenge--which I have-- on account of the huge target I have on my back." Aras admits he's worried about going home tonight, and Jeff once again perpetuates the myth that Aras stands the best chance of beating Terry, even though it was Courtney that almost did today. Jeff wonders whether anyone's thinking about who they'd like to be sitting next to in the end, and Shane demures, preferring to pretend he can't wait to oust Danielle, "Tonight, we have to EAT one of our own and that SOUNDS dramatic, and it is gonna BE dramatic." He doesn't know the half of it. He frowns when Danielle claims her brain is about to explode because of all the numbers and scenarios she's running thru her head. A frown that says, "How could Danielle POSSIBLY have options, if everyone is loyal to me?" Jeff then brings up all the dubious award Courtney won the other day, and the annoying motormouth pretends to not want to be the topic of discussion. She claims she's put it behind her--this from the girl who said she'd have to live with it the rest of her life. "After writing down my thoughts in Sally's journal, playing with my fire toys, doodling in Bruce's sketchbook and using his rock garden thingee to meditate to Mother Goddess Earth, I'm like, totally at peace." The defiled jury seeths. Onto the vote. Terry votes for Aras, saying, "I couldn't have asked for a better rival--someone who I consistently beat." Shane votes for Danielle, hissing, "You can eat however much you want, free from my terrifying rage." Courtney votes for Aras, raving "You're so beautiful, brother, but this is for strategy." Jeff reads the vote, and Shane is stunned to see two votes come up for Courtney after Aras and Danielle both receive solo votes. He's almost as floored as Courtney, who mutters, "That was a shocker," as she stumbles down the Walk of Shame, as Lex so famously dubbed it. Terry's look of profound disappointment is priceless--forget the curse of the car, how about, the curse of aligning with Terry? It was sweet how Cirie engineered all that.

Courtney is voted out in 6th place. In Season One, witty Colleen became Last of the Pagongins when Kelly continued to win Immunity when she needed it. In Australia, Tina and company decided that Rodger and Elisabeth were more deserving to move further in the game then their former ally, so they axed future All-Star winner, Amber. In Africa, the last of the necklace posse, Lil' Kim went home, while in the Marquesas, a guy you only barely remember because he dubbed himself "The General" was dispatched. In Thailand, Brian's alliance got rid of Ol' Jake. It's good that you don't remember Thailand, don't fight it. In the Amazon, deaf Christy's indecision spooked Rob, who flipped back to side with Heidi and Jenna to oust her. In the Pearl Islands, cool hippie chick Christa, aka Big Bird, bit the dust and in Vanuatu, Ami the evil lesbian was finally eliminated. In Palau, Gregg took HIS betrayal with a dull smile and a shrug, the same way he did everything else--a far cry from last year's 6th place backstabbing victim, Judd, who went kicking, spitting and cursing when Steph and Rafe blindsided him.

RANDOM EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Courtney was a nationally ranked gymnast who was part of the NCAA championship team from Georgia in 1993. She claims to read The Economist.

In her exit speech, she laments being betrayed by "her sisters," despite the fact that she was betraying "her brother" at the time, and if anyone doubted her poseur status, we got to see her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Thurston Howell the III, as they looked forward to sailing on the bay the next time they saw their "gangsta Hollywood firedancer...whatever the hell" daughter. Buh Bye, Courtney!

Peace Out!

Christine :D