Survivor 12.6 "I haven't lashed out at you in days."

Yes, after three long weeks, Survivor is back this Thursday with an all-new episode! Remember what happened in the last new episode? Well then, let me refresh your memory...

PILLOW TRASH-TALK

It's the middle of the night, so naturally Crazy Shane wants to loudly discuss Tribal Council. He tells Danielle that voting out Bobby instead of Bruce was a mistake, and he hangs it all on her, claiming the decision was made solely based on her personal antipathy for Bobby. Zuh? Shane is forgetting that HE was the first to bring up Bobby, and then he went all flip-floppy because he can't stand up to Aras. The whole tribe is kept as Shane blabbers on about how "Bruce is falling apart" and when Danielle worries about Bruce hearing this, Shane crows, "Who cares if Bruce can hear, no one can touch our mighty alliance. Oh, by the way, I want out of this alliance." That's right, Shane is so convinced that the girls are gonna bring him down with their irrational decision-making, he wants to go into the Merge as a "lone wolf," which in Survivor means sitting duck--especially when he's aggressively ticking people off, which is pretty much Shane on a good day. He wants Danielle to give him his son's name back so he can leave the alliance. This whole thing has conjured this image for me of like, "Clash of the Titans," with all the Greek Gods watching events unfold in their heavenly TV screen or whatever, "If Shane turns on Danielle, then Boston's soul belongs to ME," cackles Zeus. Dani wants to argue about in the morning, she's sane like that.

So, that morning, Cirie eagerly fills in Courtney (who likes to be all "one with the Goddess Island or whatever and sleep on the beach) about what happened in the shelter, that Shane wants his son's name back...*sigh*...and to be released from the alliance. "I'd like to release him from this game," Courtney snorts, as Cirie tries to keep her smile from showing. "I can't believe I talked this guy back into the game," Courtney laments, as America replies, "We can't either!" Dani arrives and she's sick of what Shane's "crazy, manic psycho fits." She and Courtney both agree that getting rid of Shane would be their next move--of course, it's too good to be true...

ROCKET MAN

At La MENa, Dan is reflecting on how beautiful Panama is, and how it's even more beautiful from space, "I AM an astronaut, you may recall," he reminds us. Sally is still the odd girl out, and she thinks the guys are playing a dumb game, "These guys think they know how the game is played," she shrugs, implying that they don't--she also doesn't think the all-man alliance will last as long as they think it will. As Terry and Austin choke down minnows to live, Dan gives Nick the same "Even I find it hard to believe" delivery he gave to Terry when he reveals, "Well it turns out, I didn't just WORK on the shuttle...I RODE on the shuttle!" Seeing him do it again makes it come off a little shticky and false--the modesty part. Nick is in total awe and gushes, "I never thought I'd ever MEET an astronaut, let alone LIVE with one!" Austin too eats it up with spoon as Dan holds court with his tales of adventure. He tells us, "Listening to stories about me being awesome is just another way for us to bond." Feeling a little inadequate, Austin the struggling writer quips, "I guess I need to come clean: my real name is John Grisham." We're just glad you've stopped comparing yourself to Jesus, Austin.

SHANE, SHANE, SHANE...SHANE'S A FOOL

As Courtney gets all, "Dude, I'm like, so jazzed that like, the sun is like, shining, man," Shane comes over and launches into his pitch, "Look, in a normal alliance, I could just betray you guys, but I went all Twila on you and swore on my kid, so I would just--" "DONE!" Danielle interrupts, eager to be rid of Shane and his damn kid's name. Courtney tells Shane he's making a mistake, and he starts blathering about how he won't be in league with people who make "decisions based on personal feelings." Uh, this is a game about relationships so good luck with that. I mean, yeah, Hatch and Porn Star Brian won that way, but Hatch was a Vampire and Brian was a...porn star. Their souls died long ago. But evil though they were, you wouldn't catch either of them throwing a temper tantrum about who gets to sit on a frickin' tree stump, or braying about strategy in front of non-alliance members in the dead of night. Anyway, the girls remind him that getting rid of Bobby was the original plan, and he's the one who changed his mind. Then they point out how he's always lashing out at them and Shane scoffs, "I haven't lashed out at you in...days." He also thinks it's interesting that Courtney and Danielle are the only two that seem to have a problem with him, which isn't true of course, it's just Cirie and Bruce have no power in the tribe so they're playing it cool, and Aras is also trying not to stir things up. However, he's as "DONE!" with Shane as the girls are, "I NEED to get out of this alliance, because I'm in it with an idiot!" he frets. He's more diplomatic when dealing with Shane of course, telling him he respects that Shane felt he needed out of the Psycotic joke, but he feels Shane went about it in the wrong way--needlessly antagonizing the girls. Shane seems to agree, saying about Danielle, "I lashed out hard at her. I don't like her, she's a meatball. I don't like Courtney either. But I feel I screwed myself BAD." Well Shane, that's what happens when you make decisions based on personal feelings :) Then Aras toys with our emotions by saying, "I feel like SHane just wrote his walking papers." Yeah, I wish, but there's still a lot of episode left...

ONE BAD STEP FOR DAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR SALLY

Back at La MENa, Nick seems a little freaked out by the skull-shaped tree mail, and i have to agree, this year has been pretty loose with the morbid imagery. Next year should be Survivor: Fiesta! and each week, someone tries to get an Immunity Idol out of a cute and colorful pinata, or something. Because you know we're not ever leaving Central America, right? Considering what happened last season on the Amazing Race, I think it's best we not complain. We start ragging on them for keeping us in Latin America and next thing we know, we're watching 10-year-olds try to earn Immunity by climbing the World's Largest Rocking Chair in Bumble Hick, Kansas, you dig? All right then. The tree mail reveals that this contest is for Reward AND Immunity, and Austin hyperboles, "I'll DIE if we don't win this!" La MENa needs to win today if they want to merge with even numbers at 5-5, so it IS important. Terry intones, "I'm a man, so I'd better make a sports analogy to explain our situation: This is like game 7 of the World Series for us." Uh, no it isn't because you're not all going home if you lose, dude. It's more like...game four of the ALCS. Actually, it's more like a game in the World Cup or the World Baseball Classic...oh what the hell am I doing: It's the last Immunity Challenge before the Merge in Survivor, we don't need no stinkin' similes, Terry.

Both teams gather at the Challenge Beach, and La MENa are stunned that Bobby is gone, "I can't believe they voted out a GUY!" they all think to themselves. Jeff tells them about the challenge, which involves three people sprinting out one by one into a field and untying knots and bring back *drumroll* puzzle pieces so that two other people can do this giant skull puzzle where you have to turn these non-skull pieces until you can fit the skull-shaped pieces in the right place. You kinda had to be there. The winning team gets Immunity and a Panamanian BBQ feast with a local village. Also, they get to send someone from the losing tribe to Exile Island as usual--but there's a twist! Whoever gets chosen to be exiled will miss Tribal Council, thus granting them Immunity. Pretty cool, I must say. Chaosa sits out Courtney, and has Dani, Shane and Aras running for the pieces against Terry, Austin and Nick. La MENa builds a fairly substantial lead, but then it comes down to Dan and Sally's ability to solve the puzzle and they hella bonk. They can't make it work, and Cirie and Bruce are able to get the task done first and Chaosa wins Immunity, and a theoretical numbers advantage. They also get to save someone from potential eviction via Exile Island, and that choice is easy. It's obvious the men have an alliance (since they've voted out Misty and then Ruth Marie) so Chaosa wisely protects Sally, who is of course, pretty pleased. She looks for the now-gone Immunity Idol and spends her time digging around the tree that looks like a "Y aka Why" so she probably would have found it had Terry not already made off with it...

TOO BAD WE CAN'T HAVE BOOZE AND CIGARETTES EVERYDAY

Chaosa rides into the village in their boat and are greeted by oodles of adorable, happy children, and the gang passes out some toys and then have a full-on pig out and we have to get a little snippet from everyone about how "Food is SO awesome! I haven't eaten it in a long time and it's SO GOOD!" and so on. CIrie then raves, "It was just really nice to be around people other than...these people." Heh, I love Cirie. THen Shane goes and ruins his detox by bumming a cigarette off of one of the townsmen (much to health-nut Aras's dismay) and Shane has this wacko, disgusting love affair with the cancer stick, and then tries to turn the whole thing into a public service announcement, "Man, just feeling what this one cigarette is doing to me, just makes me that much more aware of how devastating nicotine really is." CBS will probably count it as educational programming. THe fractious tribe does wind up bonding, which Cirie has mixed feeling about--she's glad to be eating, but she worries that the "Shane's gotta go" window may have just closed, "Courtney and Danielle are easily persuaded by Shane's nonsense," she sighs, as elsewhere, Shane apologizes to Danielle and bizarrely tells her, "I don't owe anyone anything on this island, except you." Say what? "Okay Honey, my crazy boy," Danielle slurs on her way back to the party from the bathroom. Shane seems to feel he has everything turned around and squared away and he's all touched by everything, but really, Dani's drunk, he's on a nicotine buzz, and let's just wait and see how long it takes before Scary Shane returns and starts pushing everyone's buttons. In other Chaosa Party news, Bruce does a demonstration of his "katas," you know, where he fights imaginary guys and yells? The locals clap politely, though the little ones seem a little freaked out. Personally, I prefer my karate demonstrations to involve more than one person, just so it's, I dunno. Remotely interesting to watch.

THE RIGHT SNUFFED

The mood is decidedly different at La MENa, as we're treated to a shot of a hideous giant millipede thing, to symbolize...Terry not knowing how to play Survivor. Dan is performing an intricate autopsy on the team's loss--he can't believe they lost, since he and Sally had actually figured the puzzle out, they just couldn't get the pieces to fit where they were supposed to. Austin talks to Terry in private and plants a seed, wondering how a NASA engineer failed to solve a silly skull puzzle, and then he gives Terry a line about how, "This is a young person's game now, and Nick and I can take you a lot further than Dan can, which Terry buys hook line and sinker, despite that fact that it makes NO SENSE. Once the Merge is on, it's an individual game--it may help to have you alliance win Immunity to keep it from certain people you want to axe, but at this point, you're better of going in with people who are loyal to you than you are with people who may be physically stronger than you are. Back at the shelter, Dan is still going on and on about his failure with the puzzle, and then brings up the fact that it will be a 2 versus 2 situation at Tribal Council, because he and Terry would never vote against one another, and Nick and Austin won't either. Then Dan asks Nick if Austin is "interested in leaving," which I guess is his uber-passive way of asking Nick to flip on Austin and the equally passive Nick mumbles, "Uh, I'll go ask him."

While Dan is confident in his bond with Terry, Super Terry is revealing his feet of clay as shrugs, "Dan and I have crackloads in common with the flying and all--I mean, I'm a fighter pilot. I've cracked the sound barrier, so I'm like PRACTICALLY an astronaut too, or like, I could have been. Anyway, that's not important, what's important is I'm in charge of this team, and I'm a MAN, so it's time for another sports analogy: I'm gonna put on my Joe Torre hat, and make a managerial decision for the good of MY team." He goes to Dan and Dan starts going on and on AGAIN about how he was the one that screwed up today and HE'S the reason they lost and America is screaming at their televisions, "WE KNOW! THEY KNOW! EVERYONE KNOWS IT WAS YOUR FAULT, DAN!" Then he gets crazy melodramatic and says, "If I did that in space--because, remember, I'm an astronaut--You DIE!" Dan, take it down 200 miles, it was a puzzle on a game show. Terry sighs and tells him, "Dan, I gave you my word as a man that I'd never lie to you, and so I'm telling you right now, I'm turning on you--in the most honorable and manly way that I can." Dan nods his head, "And I'm also a man, so I have to own up to the fact that I did indeed mess up today, and I have to recognize your status as the team's Alpha Male and I can't get upset or complain about the fact that those two punks, Nick and AUstin are showing more loyalty to each other than you are to me. Officer and Gentleman, my ASS." Terry is pleased.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff asks Austin whether Sally is REALLY a member of the tribe, and he claims she is, but it's very, "She's one of us because what the hell else are we gonna do?" When Jeff asks how close the four men are, Nick raves, "We're amazingly tight, in a very very VERY heterosexual, beer-commercial fishing trip kind of way, Jeff. We're men, so we discussed who was leaving today in very unemotional, businesslike way." Jeff snorts, "Ha! If you were REAL men, you wouldn't have discussed it at ALL. You would have repressed everything and then played some sort of modified island version of rugby to externalize what you WANTED to say. Now tell me who's going home tonight so I can get back to the hotel already." Dan speaks up, "Well, they're all MEN, so they came to me in very straightforward, manly way and told me I was out and that's fair--three people did their jobs today and two people didn't and one of them has immunity and thank GOD this didn't happen in Space. I'm still a freakin' astronaut, though, okay? You know who's seen Earth the way I have? God. God, dozens and dozens of astronauts from all over the world, angels...and maybe dead people, I'm not sure how that works. What were we talking about?" Jeff sighs, "We were talking about how you're totally cool with leaving the game, and you KNOW how much I hate that. I mean, yeah, I pretty much talked Janu into quitting but that was to keep Steph around a week longer. And okay sure, I let Jenna leave All-Stars but her Mom was dying. And then, sure, we let Sue leave, but that was because we thought she was gonna sue us...let me rephrase: You know much I hate it when MEN quit. You know, like Osten. So you're not quitting, right? You're not falling on your sword here, are you?" Dan shakes his head, "No Jeff, I really wish Terry would stand up for me the way he said he would but I'm not gonna be a woman about it." Terry cuts in, "Jeff, I'm the leader of this tribe, and so I felt I had to make a managerial decision in the tribe's best interest to do whatever it is that Austin wants." Dan votes for Austin, the rest of the MEN vote for Dan "Fuego" (because he kept the fire going) and give him a salute as he walks manfully towards Survivor Oblivion. I realize a tie-breaker is a volatile situation and all, but Terry DOES have that Immunity...I dunno. He may still wind up winning the whole thing, but I think his chances just went waaaaay down. He opted to compromise (unlike Austin and Nick who never even considered it) and vote out some one who he was 90% certain to beat in every individual challenge and who would never, ever vote him out of the game. In other words, he just got rid of his Rudy. Dan is of course gracious and chipper in his exit interview, and then we get to see his delightfully nerdy kids tell him to come home because "the robot misses" him. And yes, it does appear that they have a robot.

Dan the Astronaut Man is voted out in 11th place--the pivotal last-vote-out-before-the-Merge. The first person to earn this dubious honor was Joel who advocated voting as one group against the other team--something most of his doomed Pagong tribe naively felt was "unfair." In the Outback, Michael was airlifted out of the game after passing out in the fire and severely burning his hands. The tribe shake-up in Africa continued to doom the evil friendship-bracelet bunch, as cussy emotional-trainwreck Lindsay was dispatched at this point in the game. In the Marquesas, Gina was a victim of numbers, even though Pappy and Neleh liked her better than they did Krazy Kath and in Thailand, Dumbb Robb got the boott despite bondingg withh hiss tribe at a pre-Merge cry-fest. In the Amazon, Shawna's brief career as a hostage ended when the girls picked boys over her and in the Pearl Islands, Trish made a bizarre and disastrous move against Rupert, but Christa and Sandra stayed true to the big man, and it was Trish that went home. In Vanuatu, the unmemorable John K. was dispatched when Sarge fatefully opted to trust Twila over him and in Palau, Ibrehem the quiet hunk was the last person voted out of the suckiest tribe ever when Bobby Jon chose to side with Steph and last year, tough-tawkin' Amy was reluctantly sent packing.

RECAP RECAP

As for the clip show, it was a little better than I expected--nothing earth-shattering, of course, and no "Jerri-sings-Fiona-Apple" defining deleted scene, but still, more enjoyable than I'd feared. One great things was CBS made the darn thing "fast-forward friendly" by labeling the scenes as "New Scene" when they came on. Without further adieu...

SCENE ONE: Courtney, Danielle and Sally struggle to open a coconut, and Dani laments that they don't have a "male" around to do it. Sally professes her love for the machete, and eventually gets the job done.

TWO: Tina finds a bunch of oysters embedded in the rocks near the Golden Girls camp (where Chaosa now resides), pigs out on the raw critters, and boasts to the camera that she'll never tell the other girls about them. Apparently, the oyster secret went with her when she was evicted, because they ain't been eating oysters.

THREE: Bruce goes off on a late-nite KUH-RAH-TAY! jag, and rhapsodizes about how satisfying it is to defeat thousands of imaginary opponents. I dare any of you to go around calling karate KUH RAH TAY! It's like how we all say "Les Miz," because is you said "Les MiserablAH!" everyone would think you were a pretentious idiot. I'm sure KUH RAH TAY! is right, but kuhRAHtee won't raise eyebrows. Anyway, the other men are bemused by Bruce's going off into the dark to practice his KATAS!, which Shane refers to as his "Wang Chung's." Shane thinks Bruce is kinda awesome, "If he wants to get his Miyagi on, great. I love odd people." Takes one to know one, dude.

FOUR: Misty tries to play coy with the other younger girls and imply that she found the idol, but Courtney and Sally are very skeptical.

*Then we get a bonus interview of first-evictee Tina lamenting the fact that she was on an all-girls tribe. If she had been with men, she thinks she would've been valued, and kept around.

FIVE: Bruce angers the men of The Lodge by insisting on using "his share" of the group's meager drinking water to wash his hands after touching the shelter (to which he apparently has some sort of severe allergy). Shane wonders why Bruce couldn't have just stuck his hands in the torrential downpour. Man, I hate it when I agree with Shane.

SIX: Courtney teaches the other Spice Girls a song, in Spanish, about their tribe.

SEVEN: Cirie and Miranda drink rainwater off of leaves to keep from dehydrating.

*In a bonus interview with Miranda, she tells us that Survivor's hard!

EIGHT: Chaosa is having a finger-pointing contest about their loss to La MENa. Cirie refers to her tribe (in a diary session) as the most "aggravadingest" people she's ever met. Bobby calls the Psychotic Joke on their cliqueness and Shane sneers that he's just bummed because he's on the outside of the clique, which is like, duh, Shane, who wouldn't be? Bobby tells the power alliance that they're all acting like 7th grade girls. Aras tries to lead the group in a New Age Bullcrap primal scream to dispel all the negative energy, and Shane decrees that Aras should make all personnel decisions at competitions--which admittedly is a good idea, because they go on a winning streak afterwards.

NINE: This is an important one because one of the episodes had "snake dinner" in the title and then after the episode aired, those of us who read the titles were like, "What a rip-off, WHAT snake dinner?" Well, it turns out, Aras went snake-hunting with the machete and killed a snake and Chaosa feasted on it. Courtney subjected the gang to one of HER New Age Bullcrap rituals when she insisted the snake was magical and would bestow healing powers on them and then went on to thank the snake for giving its energy to the tribe. Cirie shrugs in one of her typically amusing diary sessions that if it means she doesn't get voted off the island, "I'll agree with whatever crazy-ass thing she says." Word.

*In a bonus interview, Misty says she was surprised to be voted out

TEN: Father of the Year Shane is going into one of his downward spirals over missing his son's 13th birthday. Courtney tries to cheer him up by insisting, "You're the best dad in the world--you have your son's name over your heart!" Yep guys, that's all it takes. Screw the quality time and the moral guidance, just get a tattoo. Anyway, Chaosa sings "Happy Birthday" to the absent Boston, and Cirie admits that it DID make her feel close to the group for the first time--as if they were a family.

ELEVEN: A sympathetic Austin listens to a tearful Sally as she reveals that her parents have pretty much disowned her since she got divorced, because...*drumroll* ... they're hardcore Christians. We aren't all that judgmental, I swear.

*In a bonus interview, Ruth Marie cheerfully let's the boys off the hook, "It's not a game of honor, it's a game of deception," she drawls. I still think she deserved better.

TWELVE: Danielle and Cirie are bitching about Bobby's laziness, so Cirie rousts him from his mid-day slumber and gets him to rebuild their constantly-in-need-of-rebuilding fire. Bobby pretends to be dumber than he is about firebuilding, which an irritated Danielle fails to appreciate.

*In a bonus interview, Bobby gives us more of the same, "I was too cool for those lame-os" he did in his exit interview

THIRTEEN: Danielle and Courtney bathe each other with the soap they won in the bathroom challenge, and the CBS camera take long, lingering shots of the girl's soapy boobs. Hey, at least it was just in the clip show, ladies. In the Amazon, it was a freaking sub-plot! Courtney wraps up one of the bars of soap and dubs it the girls soap, which annoys mean Shane, so he makes a point of washing his butt with it. No, really.

Coming Up: The MERGE, Baby! We are also promised some sort of medical emergency that has someone being whisked away on a stretcher, AND we're taking a field trip to the Panama Canal! That's not a sarcastic exclamation point, by the way. I really am just that big of nerd.

Peace Out! :D

Christine