Survivor 12.5 "She's probably one of the two or three most annoying people, probably in the history of the world."

BEFORE WE BEGIN

It's time for that annual occurrence: me shamelessly promoting my birthday, which was YESTERDAY! So be sure to wish me a happy birthday, it makes me feel special. It's a semi-big one, I'm 35. According to the Nielsen people, my opinion is suddenly less valuable today then it was the day BEFORE yesterday, when I was still 18-34. Sigh, I guess I'll have to find a way to soldier on. Oh, and I'm very excited about the new sitcom, "The New Adventures of Old Christine." When I was a kid, Christine was one of THE names, I was always Christine S. because there were so many Christines, but it's fallen out of favor, I guess, and the "K" spelling is everywhere, so I'm glad to see that CHRISTINE will now be appearing on TV screens and TV Guides with mighty frequency! Okay, on to the review...

THE WOMAN OF LA MENA

Sally awakens and is thrilled to still be in camp after last night's Tribal Council. She tells them how happy she is to be the last woman standing and Dan gives her a slight smile and a polite nod of his head, which I think is Dan for: "Shut up, Sally, I voted to keep Ruth Marie!" Then Sally and Nick go for a walk and talk about how much they miss Ruth.

POOR PRINCE ARAS

Aras tells everyone that the "game plan" for the day is getting the fire going again, because it's out, because their fire is always going out, which you think would be a big clue to them, to maybe move to higher ground, or keep it covered somehow or, I don't know, assign someone to keep it going at night? I know tribes have done that in the past. But no, their fire is out again, and Bruce is off designing a Zen rock garden and apparently the tribe can't function unless all seven of them are making the stupid fire, so Aras is ticked off while silly Bruce is actually considering that his garden can help "bring out the beauty" in his tribemate's souls. Those are going to have to be some pretty damn magic rocks for that to happen, but hey, his heart's in the right place. As Courtney bemoans the fact that they are following all the proper procedure to build a good fire and can't manage to succeed, Aras nods, "It's because of all the wet wood--gee, too bad we don't have a bunch of dry wood in the bathroom like I suggested." Then he chats with the camera, "Bruce is off making a rock garden. It's just a question of whether it was an appropriate thing to build at the time, and uh, I'm Aras? So, naturally I'm assuming that every one of you agrees with ME that it's NOT." So Bruce comes into camp and Aras tells him the fire situation is dire and Bruce shrugs, "Go get some firewood," and Aras comes UNHINGEd and starts sputtering, "I-I-I am making the fire! That's what I've been doing! I'm working on it! Gah! No one complained when you were off building your rock garden! Gah! Well, except for now when I am, but in my passive aggressive way! Gah!" In one of his "I'm so charming" diary moments, Aras tells us smugly that yes, it was wrong of him to yell at Bruce BUT, "It was just a matter of whether the tribe needed the rock garden or the fire." Oh man, I think my Aras hate has eclipsed my Shane hate. Uh, how 'bout both? How 'bout you do something without Bruce since you're just using him anyway? So, back to "real time," and Aras is giving Bruce a lecture about "priorities," as though Bruce was 8 years old or, gee, I don't know, sleeping all the time like Bobby? Bruce gets offended that Aras is being so dismissive of his Zen garden, and Aras doesn't even get it, he has no understanding whatsoever that the garden is an expression of Bruce's spirituality and being, so he then patronizingly insists that there wasn't any disrespect in what he said and he sort of makes Bruce shake hands while Aras blathers about communication in that slick, salesman way that comes easily to attractive people, "I see where you're coming from, just try to see where I'M coming from, because I'm ARAS, okay? I'm rich and I'm handsome and I'm white and I'm always right about everything." Bruce goes off to find some decent firewood and Aras cluelessly assumes our sympathy when he laments, "I'm the youngest person on the tribe, but all the weight of leadership has gotten me feeling like the oldest--I'd like to go to Exile Island, to tell you the truth!" Well, if the other team's picking, they aren't gonna think you're the leader, dip-wad, so tough cookies.

A LOT OF REWARD AND A LITTLE BAG OF PITY

No one has openly discussed the fact that women are getting kicked out of the game in unprecedented numbers, but when La MENa arrives sans Ruth Marie, Cirie, Danielle and Courtney all have visible, "Are you KIDDING me?" reactions that tell us, yeah, they've noticed. The Reward Challenge involves a relay where the teams throw bags of rice and beans and then big ol' stinky fish to each other until they get to the final table, and then somebody has to chop off the tails and heads of the fish. Winner gets to keep all their fish, the beans, and the rice. The losing team gets to keep either their bag of rice or their bag of beans. So clearly, the producers are trying to get everyone to eat a little something, like when Jeff gave the Bear Monday's some rice in exchange for Colby's Texas flag, remember? Good times. I think we did this particular challenge before, maybe in Thailand? Chaosa gets to sit out tow people and Aras refers to Courtney and Danielle as "the two young girls," as if Cirie is 60 or something. She's only 35! No, I'm not being extra-sensitive! Anyway, as usual, Chaosa wins the challenge by the slimmest of margins, and they get to send someone to Exile Island again and again they choose Terry, "out of respect," to hear Aras tell it, but everyone else on his tribe is looking at the ground, or off into space because they're too ashamed to face Terry. This does help Terry keep his Immunity Idol a secret, though. Maybe he can fashion a fake one while he's out there, and REALLY mess with someone's head. I'm kinda bored with the whole Exile Island thing--it hasn't been as cool as I'd hoped. I'd like them to send one person from each tribe over there for some potential drama and/or bonding, or at least make the tribes choose "one of their own" to go, so we can get some harder feelings going, c'mon! Oh, La MENa opts to take a bag of beans as their consolation prize...

EVEN GOD HATES CHAOSA

Well, to hear them tell it. The gang returns from their triumph, only to find their camp ruined by rain and maybe the tide? I mean, the camp has become a muddy lake, the fires gone, everything's wet and Danielle moans, "C'mon, God." Um, God didn't build the camp that close to the water and then ignore all the signs that have been pointing to this eventuality (the constantly wet fire pit, for example). But fine, Dani, you're not idiots, it's God being a drag. The outhouse is fine, however--Aras was right about how they should've kept some wood in there, because now they have no dry wood, so no way to cook all the fish they've won, so they elect to eat it raw, which seriously grosses out Cirie--and Cirie, I'm feeling ya, which is why I intend to heed your advice and stay on the couch. And Courtney is all, "Like, no way, man, like, you've never had sushi? Like, that is like, so unbelievable to me, I eat it, like, all the time." Courtney has this really pronounced SoCal drone, which is impossible to capture on the page--think Sasha Cohen times a thousand, or call me, and I will be happy to do an impression--I'll make it quick, because it is truly aggravating. Aras claims that eating the raw fish is a bonding experience (as everyone squabbles in the background) while Cirie frets about catching some kind of "sickness." Sadly, no harm comes to any members of Chaosa. Unlike poor La MENa...

BEANS, BEANS THE MAGICAL FRUIT...OW, MY STOMACH

At La MENa, everyone partakes of the beans, and Nick and Austin either overindulge or they just have weaker constitutions than Sally and Dan because they wind up being sick all night. The ever-thoughtful Nick chooses to protect his tribe and us of the gory details, referring to the, "...gastrointestinal details that probably should not be discussed at this time." We'll take your word for it, brother.

UH, WAITER, WE'LL JUST TAKE A BOTTLE OF THE OUTHOUSE WINE

Bobby and Bruce feel that they've ben pushed out of the shelter, so they've gone to the outhouse to sleep and drink the tribe's last bottle of wine. So, they really couldn't store a little firewood in there? I mean, if it's not too nasty to sleep in, why can't they just put some tinder in there? Oh right, they're idiots. Bruce complains about the selfishness of the rest of the tribe, and Bobby adds that he can't pretend to bond with people he doesn't like. He vows, "If we get to the merge, I'm bouncing." Because, duh, if you make it clear to someone that you'll never be part of their final four, what's to stop that person from wanting to at least take you down? Bruce promises Bobby that he'll never vote him out, and Bobby returns the promise.
The next morning, Cirie rousts Bruce from the outhouse. Bruce intends to hide the empty wine bottle (wouldn't throwing it down the, er, outhouse, do it?) but Cirie has already speculated that Bobby and Bruce drank it, and when Courtney asks Bobby about it, he's more than happy to tell her that he "got his drink on," and Bruce helped. Bruce gives Bobby a "I thought you were, cool, man!" head shake, and then goes off to gather some more Zen. Bobby keeps trying to impress upon the others that he and Bruce were pushed out of the shelter, but Courtney tries to bring him around to addressing the empty wine bottle, and Bobby shrugs, "I feel swell about it." I don't think you should ever feel swell about getting your drink on in a port-a-potty, but, to each his own. And Cirie's practically bursting with glee over all this because it gives her an even better chance of not being voted out next by the Psychotic Joke. Courtney continues in vain to get Bobby to admit is was wrong of them to take something that belonged to the whole tribe and then he tells her flat out that he DOES feel bad for drinking everyone else's wine, but no HER wine. Then he tells us, "Courtney had a right to be upset, but I just don't need to hear it. I don't care what she thinks. She's probably one of the two or three most annoying people, probably in the history of the world." Well Bobby, you're no day at Disneyland yourself, and you're no in the power-alliance and FYI, this is exactly the wrong time to draw negative attention towards yourself.

EXILE *SNORE* ISLAND

Terry spends his two days on Exile Island fretting about his tribe, and whether they're hydrating themselves. Can we PLEASE send someone over there who'll freak out or something?

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Dan and Sally go to get the tree mail, and it's these really cool, creepy, Barbie-sized coffins. You know they'll go for a mint on EBay. The poem warns La MENa that they'll have to hold their breath and then use their brains to win Immunity which concerns everyone, since Austin and Nick are so exhausted and blown out from the beans, but what choice do they have but to try? The tribe's spirits are lifted when Terry returns. The challenge has three people taking a glass-bottomed boat out to sea to find a bunch of "skull puzzle pieces" that are in some underwater coffins. So they have to do a lot of diving. Then two different people have to assemble the puzzle. Cirie and Bruce sit out for Chaosa. The La MENa team of Nick, Dan and Terry majorly rules over the Chaosa team of Aras, Dani and Courtney. And it's because they don't have Super Terry! La MENa gets to shore with a huge lead, and even though Sally and Austin struggle enough to give Bobby and Shane a shot at solving their puzzle, Sally and Austin prevail, and place the "golden skull" on top first. What's with all the macabre imagery anyway? Zombies, skulls, coffins--and what's up with the way Jeff says "skull"? It's practically "skll", there's like almost no vowel sound, the way he says it. Anyway, Sally wins immunity.

THE REASON CHAOSA IS A FITTING FAKE TRIBE NAME

Chaos at Chaosa--who'd a thunk it? Oooh, and an awesome school? herd? of stingrays! Okay, so the gang returns from the challenge and Shane decrees to Aras, Cirie, Dani and Courtney, "Bobby. No other discussion, okay?" The girls are all fine with this, but Aras claims to want Bobby around for challenges--we all know he really can't stand the fact that Bruce doesn't respect his pretend authority. Aras argues that "We can NOT control Bruce!" And Aras actually think he CAN control Bobby? Bobby who's ready to bounce? That Bobby? Anyway, Shane gets all wimpy, probably because Aras is using his mind control again, and shrugs, "This is stupid but...I...can't...argue...with...Aras. Aras is...our...leader." So he capitulates to Aras's will, even though he's always felt that Bobby can't be allowed to make the merge because he'll join up with Nick and Austin. NEWSFLASH: He and Bruce and probably Cirie will join up with ANYONE against you because you've stupidly told them all about your alliance and their order in your scheme! WHY would they choose to help you in ANY way? Sigh, so anyway, Aras decrees that Bruce is going and then he pulls the, "No further discussion, it's Bruce deal, and he's confident he's getting his way and that Bobby won't flip sides. Because he's an idiot. And Shane is being all scapegoaty, "I don't care, whatever you guys want, so long as I get to rub your nose in it later when it goes bad." Then Courtney ticks him off by asking a very harmless question and he jumps down her throat, "What are you BABBLING about!? RAH! I'm SHANE! I need a cigarette so I get to treat everyone like crap! RAH!" Cirie is thrilled with either decision because she was told she was going home after Melinda, so she ain't gonna rock any boat that's taking someone ELSE out of the game, and that's exactly how you're supposed to play this game. Let them kill each other.

So, Shane of course can't leave well enough alone, he has to seek Bobby out and tell him that the vote was going against him, but now Bruce is going, and Bobby lies to Shane and tells him he has no intentions of switching sides at the merge. Shane needs to be certain of this so he insists that Bobby swear on his kid. Oh no, not BOBBY'S kid, Bobby doesn't have a kid. See, Shane is so full of himself he actually thinks that he can bind people to some sort of unbreakable oath by having them swear on HIS kid, Boston. "Uh, sure, I'll swear on some kid who I'll never meet and who means nothing to me, no problem," Bobby smiles, and then Shane promises--PROMISES mind you, to "take" Bobby to 6th place. In other words, Shane is offering as some sort of prize, to be voted out before Cirie, and the Psychotic Joke but NOT before any of the OTHER tribe. Gee thanks--note that if La MENa merge with only four people, Bobby would automatically improve his position in the game by switching places. But here's Shane, actually posturing like he's being some sort of help to Bobby. He's insufferable, really.
Elsewhere, Bruce is very far from Zen when he finds Courtney befouling his rock garden with her yoga. "I'd rather be on Exile Island than be around Courtney," he complains. Touch luck, Bruce, you ain't going. I don't want anyone going to Exile Island who can handle it, you hear me? Little does he know, Courtney is about to become part of a plan to save his butt. She, Danielle and Cirie all agree that they trust Bruce and they don't trust Bobby, and they don't like the way Aras is trying to manipulate the game in his favor. SO they call Shane over and tell him what they think (not the Aras part) and Shane tells them he can't vote for Bobby now because he swore on his kid that he wouldn't (Cirie's eye-rolling here speaks for a nation). Then he gets frustrated and belligerent and he turns all of it on Courtney, who asks him not to yell and he mocks her as he insists that they're just talking--see, Shane is always a raying ass, so he thinks it shouldn't be upsetting when he yells at people. The rationalization of a bully. Shane's ticked that no one spoke up to ice Bobby when he'd brought it up earlier, and the girls all play to his ego, "You were RIGHT all along, that's what we're saying, oh wise Shane!" Cirie sort of calls him on his drama, because she sees that he wants Bobby gone the same as they do, "And now YOU'VE been talked to and changed your mind." It's not just the women who're flip-flopping, in other words, Aras changed Shane's mind rather quickly. Of course Shane has to make this a "female" issue, lamenting to the camera, "They're like, WOMEN." Hey Shane, you're the one who keeps entering into hasty, unbreakable bonds on the life of your kid with people you find out you hate, so here's an idea: stop being so impulsive and think things thru for a change--you can even do it on your widdle magic thinking seat!

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Shane refers to the tribe as "the dysfunctional functional tribe," because they work so well at challenges despite how tense things are at camp. My guess is SHane uses the phrase "dysfunctional functional" to describe all of his relationships, and everyone else who's in a relationship with him would leave off the functional. One gets the impression that Shane has had some (court ordered?) therapy before--enough to pick up some catch-phrases, but you can't CHANGE SHANE, man! Then the whole outhouse-drinking incident comes up, and Bobby is very unrepentant, giving one of those meaningless, "I don't apologize for what I did, but for any bad feelings you may have as a result of the thing I had every right to do, even if it hurt you" apologies. Jeff is almost incredulous, pointing out to Bobby that ticking off the whole tribe is a really stupid thing to do right now, and Bobby seems to not be concerned, "I gave them plenty of ammunition," he admits, perhaps confident that the vote is going against Bruce tonight. Cirie chimes in, telling Bobby that drinking the wine WAS really dumb, and a HUGE mistake because the whole tribe fought hard to get it. I'm always a little hesitant to discuss race in any "serious" way, but I will just mention that Cirie's unconflicted move against Bobby, to further her place in the game, is in direct contrast to what we were told in the Marquesas by Sean, Vecepia and Judge Pappy, that "black people always stick together." No, Vecepia and Sean stuck together, but Cirie and Bobby didn't. Different people and situations = different results.

Well, all of this is annoying Prince Aras, who jumps in to "defend Bobby", or in other words, attack Bruce. He praises Bobby for admitting what happened, "To his credit, Bob said "Yo, I did this." For the record, Bobby never said, "Yo," but then, who am I to talk, I make up dialogue for people all the time. Aras goes on to say Bruce did the same as Bob did, he knew there were three other people who wanted the wine and he drank it anyway and he never apologized for it. I don't know who Aras left out here--there are 7 people in the tribe, that leaves 5 people who were robbed of the group's wine. According to his bio, Aras doesn't drink, but the other four do (they have stuff listen under "favorite alcoholic beverage") so either Aras is really bad at math or maybe someone drinks alcohol but not wine. Anyway, Bruce says he didn't know anyone was all that upset, no one said anything to him about it, and Aras gets all up in his grill, "The onus isn't on THEM to come to you to say they're mad! You drank the wine and you knew it was wrong!" Sigh. Really, was anyone all that mad, except Courtney? These people are all so passive-aggressive, even aggressive-aggressive Shane, with his, "Okay, I'll do whatever YOU say," bit earlier. Bruce says there was so much to do in camp that the wine was the last thing on his mind, and Aras shoots Jeff a 'Do you SEE what I have to deal with?" look, but Jeff wants to hear how BUCe is feeling, wondering if the former MVP is feeling unappreciated. Bruce is all over that question, complaining that he's never been second-guessed on advice that he's been ASKED for in a full year of teaching hundreds of students and Aras yells, "We're NOT your PUPILS, Bruce! I'm Aras! I am a natural-born leader and I don't need you telling me--" What's this? Danielle actually steps in and cuts Aras off, telling Aras that Bruce is an older man, with more wisdom and experience and he's not always getting the respect he deserves. So, uh, Danielle's stock just went up like, a million. And it's not like I'm Bruce's biggest fan--I do think he's clueless about how braggy he gets about said wisdom and experience, but he certainly doesn't deserve being bossed about by the likes of Aras. Bruce apologizes to the tribe for drinking the wine and he vows not to let anything fester--if something bothers him, he's gonna voice it right away, which hopefully will lead to good television in the future. We go to the vote, and MAN, is it interesting. Bruce votes for Courtney, the girls all vote for Bobby, Aras and Bobby (so much for the drunken outhouse-swear) vote for Bruce and Shane says, "This is a throwaway vote, I want this vote to go away," as he casts his vote for ARAS. The result is, his vote DOES go away, he doesn't help vote out Bobby directly, but he doesn't save him either and away he goes. So it's official, the first person to break a swear on Shane's kid's life is Shane. I get what he did--he voted for someone he figured wouldn't get any other votes, so that it wouldn't really matter but his choice of Aras is FASCINATING. Because he so easily could have voted for Courtney, who he has friction with, or HELLO, Cirie, who isn't in his alleged alliance and whom he TOLD he was voting for after Melinda, back when Melinda was still around! Instead of doing that though, he takes a swipe at his co-dictator, because Aras bruised his ego by over-riding his decision to gun for Bobby in the first place. And it begs the question--has Shane's breaking the Boston Swear made all other Boston Swears null and void? Favorite part about the vote though: the hacked-off look of Aras's face when he realized his orders were not carried out. Priceless :D . As the tribe departs, Jeff utters some nonsense about how they were in disarray before tonight, but maybe the honesty they've shown tonight will bring them closer together, and Shane gives a great, "Say WHAT!?" look. Shane kinda looks like Tommy Lee, but I also think he looks like Christopher Lloyd, you know, from "Taxi" and "Back to the Future"? He always seems kinda bug-eyed and surprised and...stoned. Bobby has no kind words for his tribe, saying he could've played the game better had he been able to stomach "a lot of these jokers." He insults the Psychotic Joke, saying they were bonded together out of "weakness," and then he calls Courtney, Danielle and Aras, "spineless little twerps." Ah, thanks Bobby. Last week I said I was unclear about what show I was watching, that's right this IS Survivor!
Bobby is booted in 12th place joining Bible-thumping Dirk, whose morality offended jailbird Hatch in season one. In the Outback, Kimmi tried to make her hungry tribe feel guilty about eating meat and got a famous finger waved in her face. In Africa, pompous Silas was brought down in the game's first-ever tribemate switcheroo and in the Marquesas, Gabe's refusal to play the game made his alliance uneasy so he got the axe. In Thailand, you don't remember dull Stephenie the firefighter, but this was when she exited the game. In the Amazon, tough New Yawker Jeanne ran out of luck, and in the Pearl Islands, the unmemorable Michelle went home as Rupert tried to rid the islands of Burton's pals. In Vanuatu, Lisa got the heave-ho from evil Ami when Ami chose to misinterpret an innocent comment by Lisa as some sort of plot. In Palau, James-Who-Should've-Been-Jim Bob was YET another member of the losingest tribe in Survivor history who was sent packing and last season, this is where we bid a fond farewell to Smart Brian, who plotted and played as hard as he could, but a tribe shake-up had left him on the wrong end of the numbers game.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT
Bobby likes comic books, fantasy baseball, the TV show "The Tick," and among his favorite games: Risk, and Magic: The Gathering. Yes friends, don't let those massive, tattooed guns fool ya: Bobby is a big ol' nerd.

Next: Well, the previews touting the girls' dumping Shane are too good to be true, right? I think it's Bruce and Sally still on the block, most likely. Though the previews do allude to something shaking up the game (a switch?) so who knows. I do know I'm loving this season so far, American Idol is ROCKING and The Amazing Race is back on track, so rejoice, reality fans! :)

Peace! :D
Christine