Survivor 11.12 "I hope you guys all get bit by a freakin' crocodile, scumbags."

BEFORE WE BEGIN

Survivor has been in the news quite a bit--did you all see how Richard Hatch claimed that CBS told him they'd pay his taxes on his million dollar prize to make up for the fact that other contestants were somehow allowed to eat food that was smuggled in by their friends, and that the crew allowed this. Huh? The first year Survivors weren't even that hungry, they had canned goods and stuff. And no one even knew how big Survivor was and we're to believe that friends travelled all the way to Borneo to give these guys food? Say what? Both Rudy and Dr. Sean were quoted as saying, "Whatever, Rich." And then the jury said the same. Hatch was convicted of tax evasion (not just on his prize money, but money he earned as a radio co-host. Plus, he defrauded his charitable organization. Now he faces up to 600 grand in fines and 13 years in prison. He could really use an Immunity necklace right about now...

Yes, February 2nd is almost upon us, meaning I've got to get these reviews written, now don't I? If you have a chance, check out those bios at CBS.com--there's a former astronaut in there--it's good reading. Yes Adam, I agree, they're all quite accomplished--TV Guide even said so. And yes, the tribes will be split into 4 tribes of four, older men, younger men, older women, younger women. Since this is TV, the "older women" tribe includes a 32 year-old and a 35-year old. Whatever, CBS.

LOVE FOR SALE

The episode opens with a perfectly lovely conversation between Lydia, Judd and Steph about Steph's farting. Danni is amused by the fact that no one is talking about the volatile Tribal Council where Gary and Judd spilled secrets and pointed fingers. Danni also knows she needs to make something happen, or she's done for...

The Survivors are thrilled when they discover that today's Reward Challenge is the famous Survivor Auction, where they all get 500 bucks and get to bid on various food items. The first item is a bowl of beef jerky, which Danni steals for 20$. No one else bids on it, which is good because skeletal Danni could use the protein. It's not compassion that has the others hoarding their cash, however. Ever since...the Amazon, I believe, the letters from home have been offered in the auction, causing much grief. Danni's offered a mystery meal in exchange for her jerky, but she doesn't bite, which is good because it was a bowl of uncooked corn. Cindy steals some chocolate chip cookies and some milk for 40$. Lydia wins a personal mosquito net for 140$ and Jeff comments that she really needs it once he sees her bite-ravaged back. "You haven't seen nothing yet," she replies, and Jeff feels the need to say, "You got it on the booty too?" Oh...Jeff. Words I never needed to hear you say. Danni and Rafe team up to buy a covered item, and spend 180$ on a Philly Cheese Steak and fries, Danni then spends her last $200 to outbid Steph on what Jeff calls "a huge advantage in the next Immunity Challenge." Steph and Danni, interestingly enough, are the only players who seriously bid on this at all. I guess everyone else is feeling pretty confident. Or they're stupid. Danni gets a sealed envelope and Jeff tells her not to open it until the challenge.

The next item isn't letters from home--it's the actual loved ones! Around the corner comes Cindy's twin Mindy, Rafe's Mom, Danni's brother, Judd's wife, Lydia's brother and Steph's longtime boyfriend. Many are weeping, especially Rafe, who's a basket case. Lydia hasn't seen her brother Joseph in 2 years and Jeff asks him how Lydia looks: "Strong," is his proud reply, and okay, I hate Lydia but I'm not made of stone. Jeff tells them only one person will get their loved one for an overnight visit. Only two people can pool their money, but only one person will get the visit. Steph surprisingly asks Lydia for her money--surprising considering Steph's hostility towards her in the last episode, when Lydia knocked her out of the reward challenge. Lydia was bad choice though, because she's out $140 already for the mosquito net. Judd makes a wiser play, asking Cindy for her cash--Cindy only spend 40$ on the on the cookies. Judd wins a visit with his beautiful wife, Kristin. They really are like a sitcom couple, you know, big doofy guy with the hot wife ala King of Queens and According to Jim. Jeff then gives Judd the chance of picking two players loved ones to also join the tribe for the night--but by doing so he'll also doom three players to a night of exile over at Old Steph's abandoned camp. Judd doesn't seem to give a rat's butt about the exiles, as he justly picks Cindy's sister since Cindy co-financed his win, and then predictably chooses "his Jersey girl" Steph's boyfriend...Mike? Rafe bawls as he says goodbye to his mother, and Lydia bids a teary wave to her brother. Danni doesn't look at all upset--she knows she can use the time in exile to build some alliances...

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE

Judd plays the good host and shows the civilians their rustic camp. Judd is pleased at how impressed his wife is at his new-found camping skills, "Ah tink she was diggin' it, ah tink she thought it was pretty hot!" Mindy gushes, "Playing wilderness people was our favorite thing to play when we were kids, so this is great!" Awwww. Twins are so weird ;) Mindy has Cindy's identical voice complete with Southern accent, but she's far-less buff and tan. Of course, Steph is still bitching about the hike on day one to her boyfriend. Then she tells us, "I owe Judd big time. This is the second time he's given me a sweet reward." Everyone, remember she said that. Elsewhere, Judd boasts to his wife about his super-tight alliance with Steph and Rafe...while at the same time...

Rafe is agreeing with Danni that Judd isn't to be trusted, "We just need to catch Judd in some kind of a lie," Rafe says, so that they can weaken his tight bond with Steph. Rafe insists that "You can't trust a person like Judd, but you can trust that you can't trust him." This is where I really started to fall out of love with Rafe. He's a sweet guy, but he's also a judgmental hypocrite. Judd lied about where to look for the Immunity Idol, but he was trying to keep it from the alliance's enemies: Gary, and Danni. He's never lied to Steph or Rafe or Cindy about who he was gonna vote for, and none of them can say the same because they all voted Jamie out without telling Judd. And they voted Jamie out for being weird--not because he was going to betray them. So Rafe has lied and betrayed TWO alliance members in Jamie and Judd and yet he's going around calling people untrustworthy? Whatever, dude. And thanks a lot for making me actually defend Big Bully Judd.

Back at the winner's camp, Steph is rhapsodizing about Judd to his wife, and assuring her that she and Judd intend to take one another to the Finals, "Jersey would be proud," she smiles, not knowing just how Sopranos things are about to get. Judd and Cindy gang up on the absent Danni, and assure themselves that even with the advantage she bought at the auction, Danni probably won't win Immunity and if she does, they'll just go with Plan B and boot Lydia. Cindy gets especially snarky, "She's not a threat, mentally OR physically," she scoffs, "the only thing she's good at is shooting baskets." Uh, well, okay Miss I Have Never Won Immunity Either. Geez. The next morning, the exiles return, and you can tell the civilian guests feel awkward since their loved ones spent the night plotting Lydia and Danni's doom, but Judd and Steph and Cindy are very accomplished liars and it's not awkward for them at all. Judd says that even though he didn't win any food at the auction, looking at his wife has made him full, "It's like eatin' 25 White Castle cheesbahgers, man." Uh...have I been single too long or is that actually romantic? Maybe Kristin and Judd can go on the Amazing Race. The Amazing Race snobs won't even mind getting CBS sloppy seconds, they'll be so relieved they're grown-ups they'd take Jerri and Johnny Fairplay...

JUDD LOO

In what has to be the most annoying conversation in Survivor history, Lydia goes up to see Judd at his perch on the temple and Lydia starts saying things like, "Gotta get a game plan going, Mr. Judd." I'm not making this up, she really kept calling him "Mr. Judd," and doing that thing she does where she states the obvious in the form of a question. She claims they both need to "get rid of the threats" if they're BOTH to avoid sitting on the jury. And Judd could have said, "Lydia, you know that Steph and Rafe and Cindy and me are really tight here--no offense, but eithuh you or Danni are going home--no duh." There's no real reason to keep it a secret--yet Judd decides to be cagey and it proves to be a large part of his undoing. Because Danni sidles up right at that moment and doesn't hear Judd saying he's tight with Steph and Rafe. Instead she hears him agree that getting rid of the strongest players is the way to go and then he bitterly tells Lydia that, in regards to Jamie, "I know who the mastermind behind dat was," and then tells Lydia that he's powerless to do anything about it. Now personally (and I could be wrong), I think Judd is just too into to being liked to tell Lydia the truth, so he's patronizing her. But he's given Danni all the ammunition she'll need to make her move...

DANNI FLIPS EVERYTHING AROUND

So, the Immunity challenge is this game where there's this circular board covered with tiles, and the players have to flip over tiles from white to red and they can only step on the red and when they box themselves into a corner, they're out. Danni gets to open her advantage and it's revealed that she can switch places with any player at any time (once). Cindy gets out first (who's not a threat?), and then Danni, realizing Steph is playing the game way better than anyone else, switches places with Steph. Steph is unthrilled. Lydia is out next, then Rafe, then Judd. In the end Danni wins because she switched at the right time and with the right person--and the once doomed Danni is suddenly VERY powerful...

Back at camp, Steph asks Danni what Judd said to her earlier, when she and Lydia were with him on the temple, and Danni relates how Judd was still mad about the Jamie situation, and that he was saying how they had to get rid of the strongest people. Now, Danni isn't lying, she's using Judd's own foolish words to imply that Judd is moving against Steph, even though I don't think he was. But insecure Steph sure believes it, especially when Danni does an impression of Judd, "We're all squirrels tryin' tuh get a nut, here." Steph tells us that Judd's always talking about how it's a game and he's trying to win the million dollars and then she points out that he HAS lied. But Steph...has he lied to you? He told YOU what the clue about the hidden Immunity Idol really said. But then Judd doesn't help matters by seemingly "pulling a Jamie" by acting odd and antisocial as the group prepares to go to Tribal Council. Judd is off by himself in his King Kong perch, making it easy for the others to entertain the notion of turning on him, and to just generally be all, "Where's Judd's head at?" But I feel it's important to point out to paranoid Steph and judgmental Rafe that at this moment he's NOT thinking about betraying anyone's he's pledged his loyalty too--unlike the two of you. Steph frets, "My heart tells me to get rid of Lydia because Judd and I have been so close but my paranoia is telling me to get rid of Judd before he slits my throat." I think Steph has become possessed by the spirit of Lex. Rafe, Danni and Steph decide not to tell Cindy. Elsewhere, Lydia "talks strategy" with Judd, which again means she states some obvious point of fact in the form of a question, "Danni was going and then she won Immunity when she needed it, know what I mean?" Well, of course we know what you mean, Lydia, Danni won Immunity so what? It's like, she doesn't have her own opinions or strategies or anything, which would be fine if she didn't then keep telling us about how she's not ready to go home and it would be unfair if her alliance dumped her once they didn't need her. Uh...then FREAKING DO SOMETHING. Judd again is cagey, telling her that everyone is vulnerable instead of telling her that she's the one going home. Then Lydia shuffles over to Rafe, "Tell me what to do, I'll vote for anybody." And then Judd surprises them both by saying, "Yo Lydia, don't vote fuh me. Ah need ya vote, okay?" and Rafe is nervously laughing, knowing he's bout to betray Judd and Judd is all smiles because he doesn't see it coming. He tellingly tells Steph and Rafe that Lydia has no idea she's going and that he told her that no one's safe and anybody could be next, "You've gotta say something, you know what I mean?" Yes Judd, I know what you mean--you felt you had to humor Lydia and it's gonna cost you...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff opens up with a bunch of softballs. Danni talks about how emotional she got when she won Immunity, "I've cried twice in this game, over spaghetti and over Immunity." Rafe prattles on about how it's hard to know who to trust and I'm thinking, "Well certainly not YOU." Steph says it's important to make decisions that you can justify to the jury if you make it to the Final Two and I'm thinking, "Yeah, good luck with that." Then Judd lose all of my building sympathy by reminding us why it's so easy NOT to trust Judd, he launches into an arrogant rant that only someone who thinks they're actually untouchable would make at Tribal Council: "No mattuh what dey all say, everybody wants somebody tuh go home. So, I mean, dey're all sittin' here makin' believe it's gonna stink, dat's not duh case. Everybody wants somebody tuh go home. No hard feelings. That's the way I tink about it." No hard feelings, eh Judd. Just so long was you're not the person that everybody sends home. Then he adds, "Trust and love duh one's you're with," which seems to physically wound a guilt-ridden Steph. Judd and Cindy both vote for Lydia, everybody else votes for Judd, and his feelings are QUITE hard, it turns out, "I hope you guys all get bit by a freakin' crocodile, scumbags." The jury is almost as shocked at Judd (but way less mad).

Judd winds up in 6th place, where he joins wise and witty Colleen. Jerri's stooge and eventual All-Star champion, Amber, Africa's Lil' Kim, who started off evil but got likable towards the end. In Season Four, the boring self-appointed General surprisingly made it this far a part of an evil alliance and in Thailand, older Jake was the last surviving member of the youthful "dream team" he thought he'd assembled. In the Amazon, deaf and feisty Christy sealed her own doom when she refused to give Rob reason to trust her and in the Pearl islands, we lost lovable stoner Christa aka Big Bird. In was a great day in Survivor History when Ami the evil lesbian was sent packing and last season, dull Gregg was out-maneuvered by Tom and Ian.

RANDOM SURVIVOR FACT:

Well, Judd appears to appear in his family's taped message of support, sporting his King of da' jungle beard, but according to his bio he..believe it or not, ALSO has an identical twin brother, Timmy. So maybe that was him? What is with all the twins? Jamie and Cindy and Judd all are identical twins, and yet it never comes up? Random. Judd's wife says, "I can't wait to see you again, and I'm thinking, "Well turn to your left, because he's RIGHT there."

Peace! :D

Christine