Survivor 6.3 Boys will be boys...

We begin at Tambaqui, where Rob is carving a mark in a tree to indicate day 7 in the Amazon and blithering, "On the 7th day the Lord said to rest...well, that's not us!" Well...you sure showed Him...I guess? Rob is very puffed up about how well the boys camp is operating, how they fixed the roof on their impressive shelter. "No WAY the girls can have more of an awe-inspiring architectural masterpiece as we men," Rob raves, "Because we're manly men and that's what manly men do! We build impressive structures that remind us off our equally--if not more so-- impressive penises! Grrrrrr!" I get the impression that Rob is performing for the dudes back at Sigma Chi.

Roger asks Dan to get some water and Dan says fine. Roger asks, "Are you sure?" "Yeah." "Remember to carry it on your shoulder." "You wanna come with me?" "Well, I was gonna do it by myself....oh...NEVERMIND, I'LL GO DO IT!" And Roger huffs off like the martyr he is to fetch the water, shaking his head in disbelief at Dan's whipersnapperishness. CBS inserts a picture of a sloth, presumably to illustrate Dan's laziness, but I'm on Dan's side in this one, Roger wanted him to hop to it, and he didn't and THAT'S what got Roger all hot, as he says. He didn't say he wouldn't do it, he just didn't salute and say, "Yes sir Roger sir" and double-time it down to the well. I can't however comment on Dan's claim that Roger smells "like spoilt vinegar." Roger thinks he's being funny when he tells Dave and Alex he was so peeved at Dan's churlishness he wanted to give him "a kung-fu chop," I highly doubt he'd use that phrase if he was mouthing off about one of the not-Chinese guys. Elsewhere, Sir Matthew and Dan talk about ousting Roger. Matt was born in Hong Kong and the two converse in Mandarin. They're all alone anyway, so I doubt it helps in the secrecy department, but it is a bond the two young men share. Matt feels alliances are still unsettled, and that Roger is ticking everyone off.

Meanwhile, the girls camp is moldering with neglect. Clothes and debris are strewn about, bugs are everywhere, it's really gross. Allergic-to-bees Shawna fretfully traps a pack of wasps in the nasty-ass cooking pot, while Deena kills the latest tarantula coming to sniff around the manioc cask. "What's with our food, they always want our food," Jenna wonders, apparently unaware that bugs are animals and eat...food. The manioc flour has been left in the rain and is moldy, and the women try to separate the ruined from the still edible. Woe to those of us who tried to eat dinner while watching this. The girls are in chaos, but their hearts seem to be in the right place. They have the same priorities: shelter, water, food, fire. They just can't seem to finish a task or agree on what to do at the same time. Jeanne calls a tribe meeting, and has to wake-up a clearly sick and unconscious Shawna so that she can attend. Jeanne nominates Deena to act as tribe leader. She tells us that she and Joanna planned this so that short-tempered Deena might rub the other girls the wrong way, which made me mad. I like Deena and I want to like Jeanne. Seems to me the older gals and Christy should be aligning themselves against the Panty Princesses. At any rate, Deena reluctantly agrees to be a "delegator or tasks." She gives them a little pep talk and Heidi chirps, "It really is amazing as bad as we're doing we've won 2 out of three challenges! Yes, it really IS amazing. The women put their fists in a circle and chant, "Jabaru, Jabaru, Jabaru Rules!"

Reward Limerick

Time for the players to meet
For both sides it will be a treat
but when it comes down
to winning the crown
the girls sweep the men off their feet

The boys are pleased to see that Janet is gone, and not one of the Princesses. The players are in a half circle, boy girl boy girl. They each have a box with five hygiene items (soap, toothpaste etc) and you have to ask someone if they have something that matches something you have. If they do, you take theirs, making a pair, and give it to Jeff. First group to...18? wins. It's basically a game of Go Fish! that doubles as a mixer. The prize is all the personal hygiene items. Dan totally hits on Shawna, who responds with a genuine friendliness. Dan hopes to get to know Shawna better later, and Shawna says, "Well, that's part of my plan." Jeff chuckles, "Poor Dan, he thinks he's gonna last until a merge." I like Shawna, and really hope she's not as princessy as Heidi and Jenna. I'm sticking to that hope until she proves me wrong. I also think she bears a stunning resemblance to the late Rebecca Schaeffer, which is neither here nor there. The men dominate the contest early and everyone learns everyone else's names. Joanna plays keep away with Roger, who is not amused. It takes 3 or 4 plays before Matt reminds everyone by asking for Joanna's pumice stone that it's Go Fish, and if someone strikes out you should turn around and ask them for what they asked for because they obviously have it. Alex flirts charmingly with Jenna, who in turn flirts with EVERYONE. She can really work it, let me tell you. Rob does his self-deprecating bit, "Shot down by another woman," he mugs when Heidi tells him she doesn't have conditioner. Dan is so distracted by Heidi's breasts he asks her the same question! The guys all laugh as Dan plays it off (Roger shakes his head in disappointment, his go-to reaction for just about every situation). When Rob continues to goof around with the young ladies, Jeff wonders, "I've always been able to rely on my incredible good looks so I wouldn't know--does that kind of humor actually work with the ladies?" Rob says, "No Jeff it doesn't." Jenna takes her bullhonkey gun off stun and sets it to full power, bats her big brown eyes, sticks out her boobs a little and coos, "Oh, Rob, you wit, you! That's not what we say back at our camp when we're jumping up and down without our bras on and making out with each other. Everything we say about you is really really good!" The boys lose and they don't even care. And for all the "Battle of the Sexes" talk, this game really demonstrated how much men and women enjoy and crave each others company.

Did I say crave? Maybe I meant to say obsess, hunger and lust for the others company, at least on the guys side. Rob is beside himself over the idea that there are chicks out here who want to get with him. He really doesn't get it, how Jenna has already reeled him in to be her number one sucker. In a nice Survivor nod to Black History Month, Rob recites some of MLK's "I have a Dream" speech to express how committed he is to the concept of getting a little Amazonian action. Then he elaborates to us, "In the real world, Heidi is a 9 and a half, but out here, she's a little raggedy and beaten down to about a six. That levels the playing field for a guy like me." Rob, If this is your way of admitting you're a total loser, you'll get no argument from me. Dan is convinced that Shawna's friendliness translates into her being "into him." This is how stalkers are made, by the way. Joanna is the least popular with the boys. Rob thinks she's a bitch and is annoyed by her constant Jesus-praising, "I had no idea Jesus had a vested interest in who wins Survivor. As far as I've seen, Jesus is a guy so I'd think he'd want the guys to win." I'm quite certain those of you who don't watch the show think I made that part up. CBS shows funny little inserts of the girls in a little circle off to the side as the guy talks about them, it's cute. Alex moons over Jenna, who Dave accurately describes as "the hot chick in the bar who waits for the guy she wants and shoots you down if it's not you." He thinks her butt is very acceptable. In discussing Jenna, Butch tries to say "hottie" and proves people over 30 shouldn't. Rob drools over the idea of watching the women bathe together. Butch and Roger, who will be watching this episode with their wives, try not to seem amused.

The girls ARE bathing together, in two distinct groups. Christy doesn't like the idea of bathing in front of others, and as there are freaking cameras watching them do it, I don't blame her. You'll note the cameras have yet to show the MEN lathering themselves up. *fist shaking* Damned double standard! Christy, Jeanne and Deena wash up while still in their bathing suits and clothes. Christy is hurt by the other girls her age going off to bathe without inviting her, and bitterly accuses them of wanting to check each other out.

THE PANTY PRINCESS POOL PARTY: CLOTHING OPTIONAL

Heidi, Jenna and Shawna tromp off to wash up. Heidi explains, "The cuter girls: Me, Jenna and Shawna went off to bathe because we're younger, cuter--we have cuter bodies and for whatever reason, that's a huge issue with older people who aren't as pretty as us. We don't need them around being jealous of us and judging us!" Ah it so true, life is just *so hard* when you're pretty! It's so unfair! In my attempt to be unbiased, I've generally enjoyed Heidi and Jenna as players, but moments like these remind me that if I was amongst them, I'd probably try to be friendly and witty and Jenna would look askance at me and then turn to Heidi and giggle, "Um...is she, like, talking to US?" *suppressing massive junior high school emotional trauma* ANYWAY, Heidi's boobs are totally fake, I'm just saying. And Jenna, I don't know any guy who gets off on being able to see a girls ribcage on her back. Frickin catch a fish and eat the whole damned thing, pronto. The women take off their tops and try to soap up discreetly with cameras stuck in their cleavage, and it doesn't work. It's very reminiscent of the scene in "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?" with the sirens, except the Princesses did all the seducing at the Reward Challenge. Shawna, apparently some kind of nouveau hippie raves, "It felt so beautiful to be naked in an Amazon River, so free!" Heidi speculates that if there's a merge, they should go around topless to distract the guys." The CBS cameramen start praying for such to the Immunity Idol.

Back at the Boy's Club, Matt tries to feel out Dave to see if he might be swayed to vote out Roger instead of Dan. Dave says he might think about ousting Roger AFTER Dan goes, but certainly not before. Elsewhere, Rob sucks up to Alex, "You're the best player in the game, Alex, I'm just in awe of you, and I'm the most underestimated player in the game and can we be a team, huh, huh, huh??" Alex tells Rob that Matt's approached him about ousting Roger and he's intrigued and Rob is stoked by this. Meanwhile, Matt is telling Dave a different story, that both Rob and Alex have approached HIM about dumping Roger. Matt says he doesn't trust Alex and Dave agrees. Meanwhile, Rob suggests bringing Dave into their anti-Roger plan but Alex says to hold off on that and Rob gushes, "Oh Alex! You're a tactical GENIUS! I SO agree with everything you say!" Pleh. If Alex is falling for this line of bull I'll be sorely disappointed. Same with Dave listening to Matt--what's up with that? Dave and Alex are my favorites amongst the guys, I hope they don't allow themselves to be duped by dunces. Matt and Dave catch three finger-sized fish and Matt, who fancies himself a world-class chef sets about cooking them. "It's quite primitive, lads. I fear we shall have to improvise and eat without utensils," he frets, to the everlasting annoyance of Rob who gloats, "I swallowed bigger fish than those when I was in the frat." No surprise there, lame-ass. Alex realizes the decision to oust either Roger or Dan is pretty much up to him.

Meanwhile, brace yourselves, the girls have pulled it together! CBS does a really nice homage to "Chicago" by editing a bunch of work-sounds (hacking, sweeping etc.) together ala the beginning of "He had it Coming." Under Deena's "delegation," the girls have a better shelter, a clean camp, a roaring fire and plenty of boiled water. Shawna confirms, "She's really got her stuff together. She's bossy--but that's really what we needed because we sucked!" Meanwhile, Jeanne, Christy and Joanna catch HUGE forearm sized fish! Huge I tells ya! Joanna sings a fun version of Manfred Mann's "Do Wah Ditty," that predicts another Jabaru victory over the men. The women are protein-fortified and confident. As they get dolled up for the Immunity Challenge, I was reminded of the Greasers gearing up for the big rumble in "The Outsiders." They are taking this very seriously.

The boys? Not so much, it turns out. Rob the operator is more concerned about Magic 8-Ball and what it has to say about his chances with Heidi, Dan wants to know whether he'll score with Shawna, Roger plays along and wonders if Jenna will turn her flirty gaze on him. Magic 8-Ball continues to run down the girls reputations in its predictions.

Immunity Limerick

The boys have one thing on their mind
A typical thing, you might find
But if they don't start
to play this thing smart
The girls might just win every time

The teams gather and Jeff points out to the girls that the men have festooned the Immunity Idol with Tambaqui Blue feathers. The girls shrug it off. "We had it first," Deena reminds them. They aren't screwing around. The competition puts each team in a cage. They have to untie a bunch of knots to release a machete, untie yet even more knots, use the machete to cut ropes to release a board, use a pole to get some distant keys (Brady Bunch Ghost Town Jailbreak style) and lastly use those keys to unlock some locks to open the escape hatch. It's not even close and I'm not sure why--lack of protein? The men just completely bonk. It didn't seem to be due to any fundamental inability to work as a team, they just...sucked. The girls give Rob his stupid blue feathers back, ha ha Rob, in your FACE! The Immunity Idol goes back to camp with Joanna, which probably means more CrAzY ChRiStIaNiTy next week, oh goody.

The men limp into camp, mad about losing to a bunch of girls AGAIN. I maintain that their ONE victory came when they put the girl v. guy thing aside and just focused on doing their best. Alex moans, "I'm not sure how evenly matched we are, having lost 4 out of 5 challenges." Referring to Joanna's loud Jesus-praising after every win, Dave jokes, "Well, Jesus is on their side." An irritated Roger storms off to stew and obsequious Rob is right on his heels, "Dan's trying to get the votes to get you out, sir, just so you know. And I wasn't in on it, no way!" Rob seems to think his grasp of the obviously inevitable showdown between Dan and Roger is nothing short of brilliant. He kisses up to Dan by implying that they are united as outcasts, and assures him that Alex is joining them in ousting Roger. Dan knows, however, that Rob will only vote his way if the numbers are in Dan's favor anyway. He tries to lobby Alex, "Rob's trying to save me, but he can only do so much. He'll vote the way you do!" Alex does a lot of noncommittal grunting. Meanwhile, Dave is questioning Alex's integrity, "He's trying to be everyone's friend," but he basing this on Intel from Matt, whose Dan's only real advocate. Roger and Alex anticipate this in a mock vote, imitating Jeff's tendency to over-recap, "One vote Dan,one vote Roger. Two Votes Dan, One vote Roger. Two votes Dan, two votes Roger. Then three more votes for Dan."

Tribal Council

Jeff seems to take great pleasure whenever the guys lose, probably because he was worried the men might steamroll the girls and that would be boring TV. He asks how they're doing and Rob replies, "Well, DUH! None of expected to EVER get to Tribal Council because of that whole Y chromosome thing we've got going on, Jeff." Dave continues to be the voice of calm reason, "We don't wanna lose to a bunch of girls, but we can pull it together, I'm sure of that." Jeff asks Roger if he feels a bit like Bobby Riggs vs. Billie Jean King--letting down the entire male gender by losing. It's an interesting analogy only in that the whole "battle of the sexes" thing--as an issue, feels very 1970's to me. At the risk of going to the Brady Bunch well once to many times, didn't we learn when Marcia passed the Frontier Scout initiation or out-drove Greg on the obstacle course that girls are just as good as boys in many things (yeah yeah, they can lift heavy objects and open jars)? And who the hell still cares? Can we just settle on "different" and get over trying to quantify "better"?

Matt and Alex both express how hungry they are--I think that vat of fishbait (which hopefully the women are protecting from ravenous bugs) was the women's most important victory. Jeff then asks Alex, "How dare you have deeper dimples then me! Christine's devotion to me is wavering, you usurper!" Alex shrugs and then looks at the camera and winks at me. He DID! Then Jeff cross-examines the guys, "How many hours of daylight do you have?" "Uh...ten?" "Uh huh, and how many hours do you go fishing a day?" "Uh...one?" "And did you go fishing TODAY?" "Uh...no." "So when you say you're working as hard as you CAN to get fish to eat...isn't it true, Tambaqui, that in point of fact you ARE NOT!?" The men have a dramatic break down on the stand and tearfully admit they haven't been fishing enough. Which is odd because beer commercials have led me to believe that men are quite capable of fishing for hours and hours...maybe they'll win beer in a challenge?

Then Jeff asks Dan if he's closer to any particular fellow-tribemember and Dan starts prattling on and on about how great Sir Matt is--he was born in Hong Kong! He's more Chinese than I am! Matt is enjoying this until Dan says, "He speaks Chinese, so we've been talking in Chinese..." and Matt's face falls faster than Dan off a log. "Ixnay on the IneseChay!" He hisses. Like, DUH, Matt, the other guys don't know you were in with Ryan and Dan in the first vote and you're Dan's only real friend? You've only been stumping for him for the last three days: "I realize Dan's work habits leave something to be desired, gents, but...might we still consider Roger even more odious a companion?" Then Dan seals his fate when he says, "I'm the one Asian guy amongst a bunch of white guys, so I stand out." Roger shakes his head in disapproval, "I can't believe Hop Sing over there is calling ME a racist!" Rob takes a stab at righteous indignation at the very idea that the white guys decided intentionally to treat him differently or exclude him. Most white people have a very hard time understanding what it feels like, on an everyday basis, to be in the minority and for some reason, we're often very defensive about it. If Dan were the only white guy in a tribe, you can damn well bet it's ALL he'd talk about, Tribal Council and BEYOND, "well you know Jeff, I'm the white guy so, blah blah blah bad joke." Dan calls Roger "bossy," Roger calls Dan "lazy," and its onto the vote.

Roger casts his vote for Dan saying, "You pretty much said it at Tribal Council: you're Chinese and you don't fit in." Even Matt sees it coming, and chooses to vote against Dan, who loses in a landslide. It's a victory for viewers as Dan is pretty boring. He joins Snarky Stacy, Melodious Mad Dog, Crusty Carl, Hunky Hunter and Jerky Jed as the third person voted out of Survivor. That was lame, I promise I won't do it again. The first four were all victims of emerging alliances, while Dan falls under the same category as Jed: didn't fit in, perceived as lazy, see ya.

Next week, the scenes show us that Shawna has had it, and is wailing that she can't last 30 more days. I feel that has to be a trick, and still predict Christy will be voted out should the girls lose next week. What SHOULD happen is Joanna, Jeanne, Deena and Christy join up as they realize the "cuter" girls might use their feminine wiles to curry favor with the boys if/when there's a merge. But I don't think they'll do it, and Christy will be out because it's easier to get rid of her than make the effort to communicate with her. Human nature sucks sometimes. On the guys side, I'd hope than Rob's professed strategy to be a two-faced weasel will become apparent to all and they'll neutralize him, but Matt will most likely go first. No one's close to him, and his two closest allies have preceded him in exiting the game. Time will tell, naturally. Speaking of time, it's my birthday on Saturday--drop me a line, it makes me feel special:)

Peace, Christine :D