Survivor 5.1

It's back! And so am I! It always takes a few weeks to get in the swing of things. No one really jumped out at me yet the way Krazy Kath did last season, except for maybe Dumbb Robb--and I guaran-damn-tee ya that I will not grow to love and root for Robb EVER.

So, the show starts with the Survivors walking through a village, smiling at the natives who chuckle at the stupid yankees. Actually, there are very few yankees in this bunch--they're almost all southerners. Unfortunately for yankees everywhere, Robb is one of 'em. Robb zips by on his skateboard--his luxury item. That'd be cute if this was Teen Survivor and Robb was 15, but it's pretty sad in a 23 year-old who doesn't have an endorsement deal from Power Bar. This is the guy that Cosmo dubbed "Arizona's most eligible bachelor?" A blithering half-wit bartender man-child who says "Dude" every other word--and people wonder why women are waiting longer to get married?

Jeff shows us all the dangerous creatures that abound on the Thai island of Koh Taratao. You've got your horrifying spiders, massive pythons, creepy cobras, bitey monkeys...and we probably won't see any of them come anywhere near the Survivors because we never do. First year we had the lizard thing that killed the chickens while the Survivors were out, Australia we got a pig that found out that man is the most dangerous animal on Earth, and Africa we got Lions circling the camp one night and one run in with a water buffalo. What'd we get last year--besides the attack of the no-nos? We'll just see a lot of meaningful "inserts," the spider spinning a web to symbolize a plot, a shot of a cobra to illustrate a betrayal and so forth.

39 Days! 16 People! One Survivor! CBS chooses to pan UP from Erin's generous bosom to get to her face in the opening credit montage. Classy. Erin may be as endowed as Sarah but because she seems sweet it doesn't seem as annoying to me. I guess that's a question for the guys--who has bigger boobs: Erin or last year's Sarah? I dig the new shiny jewel logo. I actually bought a Survivor T-shirt for Marquesas and YES, I am wearing right now. Because I am a big ol' geek.

I wonder if they Survivors are starstruck when they see Jeff--I would be. He's wearing a dark blue shirt that doesn't do anything for me--gotta be brighter, honey. He puts the girls on one side and the guys on the other and asks everyone to say a few things: name age and occupation, "Brian, if you don't want to tell anyone that you're a porn star for strategy reasons, feel free to tell everyone you're merely a used car salesman." "Thanks Jeff, and it's SOFT-CORE porn, by the way, but I'll keep it under my...er...hat, if it's all the same to you. Here's a resume and headshot--mind giving that Les Moonves?" Everyone starts telling a little about themselves. There are a lot of accents. LOTS and LOTS of accents. Is this Survivor or Hee Haw? Everyone applauds for the New York cop. Shii Ann, the job counselor, chuckles when Brian says he sells Used Cars, "Note to self," Shii Ann muses, "Brian is my next client." If she only knew.

Jeff springs the new wrinkle, "We've decided to have the two oldest people, Jan and Jake, pick the colors and then pick their new tribes. We at CBS just weren't satisfied with the element of brutal rejection that ends every episode. We wanted to throw some humiliation into the beginning of the game too. Just like 5th grade dodge ball, some spindly little nerd has to be last. I was never last though--even back then, I was Jeff Probst." Jake picks purple, Jan gets red (they keep telling us it's orange--do I need a new TV?). Jan's tribe is Chuay Gan or something, Jake's is the easier to say Sook JAIIIIII!" You have to say it like that , "sooook HYYYYYY!" For my purposes, they will be called "Chewing Gum" (because that's what it sounds like) and "Sucks Hard" (because of Robb and Jake, mainly.) Everyone thought is was going to be men vs. women so this throws them. Pastor John says, "I had been prepared to lead only men, now I have to figure out how to assert my will over women as well--just another day at the office." Ghandia is bummed, "If it was girls against guys we'd SO win! Women are better at multi-tasking [okay], we handle pain better [that's for damn sure] and we're more logical [eh...sorry ladies, even I don't buy that]." Jan breaks my heart when she remembers being put into the leadership roll spotlight and starts crying :( 'Sokay, Jan, it's over now.

Basically, Jan picks the people who make her comfortable--solid, mostly older people. Jake picks, as he says, "young, ath-uh-letic people. I don't like to even look at people who aren't strong and fit like me!" Jake looks like Indiana Jones at 60. Wait. Indiana Jones IS 60, never mind. The 20-somethings all quake with fear at the idea of being in "The little old lady tribe," as Robb calls it. Judgin' John isn't pleased to be on "The weak old woman's team," while Jed the dentist is rewarded with a pass to the Sucks, as is Robb who oh-so-cleverly doesn't make eye-contact with Jan and Jake picks him. He jumps up and starts yelling, "I love you guys and I don't even know you! I love the sound of my own voice even more! Yeah! Dude, we are so young and pretty." Dear reader, if you don't hate them on principle, our relationship (whatever it may be) is over. Erin and Clay are last. Clay tells us, "I was the oldest and smallest one sittin' there, I knew I'd be last, but they got a diamond in the rough is whut they don' know." This makes me want Clay to endure. Erin handles it well too, saying, "Being picked last was very humbling--I probably needed that experience." I'd be crying, myself.

Anyway, I don't know why Jake's gloating since historically, the winner has come off the weak tribe. First year was pretty even (except for Pagong was naive), but Tina and Colby came off the tribe that lost three straight immunity contests (Kel, Mad Dog & Mitch), Ethan and Old Kim came off a tribe that lost their first two immunity contests (Diane and Jessie) and Vecepia's first tribe lost the first three immunities as well, (Peter, Patricia & *choke* Hunter). So, again the game works because they keep casting people that don't seem to understand the nuances of the show nor have they read an Aesop's Fable ever. "We're the hare and they're the tortoise! Yay! Well kids, there's also been a castmember shuffle the last two seasons so...don't count your chickens before you win them in a reward competition.

Penny decides they have all the cutest guys on their team, "Even the old guy's got a Sean Connery thing going on!" Jed's alright, Jakes handsome. Ken and Robb are too too angular for me (dumb ass factor aside). I still say the porn star is the cutest. Ted says the other team thinks they're gonna walk all over Chewing Gum--well, things might get sticky! I hope he's right! Jeff sends them off with no food except the Clarence Black Memorial bean can. Helen, the Navy swim instructor mocks the Suckuhs for not realizing their boat was backwards and treating the trip to their respective camps as a race. John begins bossing almost immediately and tells us, "I was rather shocked that I was the only one who understood the very basic concept of paddling a boat. I was quick to point out their ignorance and my superiority. Yelling is Leadership, I always say." I'll bet he's just as obnoxious playing Capture the Flag at the church picnic. Tanya complains, "John was really bossy. I was bummed to be with all the old people--I'm the youngest in the whole tribe! I was hoping to be on the team with people my own age because that automatically means I'd get along with them better." Ya shoulda applied to the "Real World," shug! Meanwhile, King of the Sucks Jake chuckles, "Well I'll be danged if we didn't have the boat backwards the whole time--ain't it a hoot?" Robb assures us, "Dude, we were going backwards, you know what I'm saying? But...I think we were going faster backwards than...uh...you know...um...not backwards." Shii Ann tells us, "In a perfect world, like the one I have in New York where even my career involves controlling other people's decisions, we would have been very organized and dispatched a few people to get food and a few people to build a shelter....that didn't happen. Everyone went nuts."

Not in a particularly entertaining way, mind you. So far Shii Ann and Jed are the only Suckuhs who seem to have brains. Erin gushes at Ken the Kop, "Wow! I can't believe you climbed a mango tree." "Yo, d'ya see any ****ing mangos up 'ere?" "Er...well...not really." Robb finds a vine to swing on and he yells with glee, "Dude, look at me! I'm swinging on a vine!" Sadly, he does not fall to his death. Jake grimaces, "Robb? He's, er, enthusiastic. Yeah. That sounds good. I couldn't have picked a dud, no sir. This here is the best damn team ever assembled this side of the 1977 Dallas Cowboys. And I'm Tom Landry AND Roger Staubach! These kids may not know anything, but so what?

At Chewing Gum, Brian thinks he's clever by reminding us that while they're all trying to figure one another out and bond, this is also a "business trip." Some chaka chaka boom porn music starts playing but Brian frowns, 'I meant I'm here to win a million dollars, CBS." "Dammit," a cameraman swears. Ted insists that they are no longer a tribe, they are a family--a family that votes people out of the home until there's one person left, but still...a family. They delight in finding a cool bunch of caves they can use as shelter, plus they find coconuts, oysters, and a whole lotta crabs with "mite chompers" as Jan calls them.

Now, we were told that shelter would be easy for one tribe and food and water for the other. The Suckuhs water is close by but apparently food is tough going too because they don't find any. Of course, when you spend the whole first day frolicking and the whole first night swimming and skinny dipping, maybe you're just not paying attention. Maybe they tossed a coconut around as a football without realizing they could eat it, I dunno. Stephanie the lady firefighter takes her clothes off to prove how at ease she is with her self. Robb stutters, "Dude, I never met anyone who's like so at ease with their sexuality like that. I hope she's a lesbian so we can make out later." Shii Ann thinks everyone should go skinny dipping once in their life--but preferably not on national television. Word. "No one's gonna see MY ta-tas!" she vows. "Dammit," a cameraman swears.
They build a half-assed shelter for the night. Jake says, "We weren't proud of it, but we weren't ashamed to be a lazy bunch of goof-offs either. The fact that I failed to get them to do anything productive certainly is no reflection on my leadership abilities." As they are settling in Robb wonders, "Dude, where's my skateboard?" The Suckuhs all laugh, "Oh Robb, you loveable scamp! America wonders, "Dude, where's my remote?"

The casting of the amiable Ted seems to go against the Survivor stereotype: Black men are lazy and/or contentious. The perception of people in their 50s and 60s as weak and frail seems to persist despite the fact that Rudy, Rodger, Kim J and Paschal have all done extremely well. It remains to be seen if any of these guys are gay and if they are, will they be as conniving as Hatch, Jeffy Jeff, Mitch, Brandon and John? Time will tell, but right now, the perception of people in their twenties as childish and unmotivated is largely undiminished.

Morning at Chewing Gum, Lil' Tanya is dehydrated. "I've seen her dehydrate sir...it's pretty gross." Little "Breakfast Club" reference, couldn't resist. And it is INDEED gross because Tanya pukes and I mean PUKES all over the place. Projectile vomits. Yee. Ted caretakes. The gang goes out to find water as a team, but John decides he'd be better off by himself and begins climbing up a steep rocky crevice, "I think I'll be able to find a better source of water if I'm not encumbered with you losers. Go off and get to know one other in my absence!" "Okay, you big jerk!" the rest of the tribe smiles. They are half way up a very dangerous rocky hill when Helen concludes, "You know, those bastards at CBS may be cruel sons of bitches, but there's no way in hell that their business affairs department would allow us to be in this much danger on a daily basis." The rest agree and return to camp to find Judging John back at camp, his solo mission a failure as well--though he does make a point to tell us HE figured out the map. He, Helen and Tanya go off in a boat to find the real water source and when they find the nice clean well next to a brackish pool, they decide to con the rest of the tribe, who are swimming to meet them, into believing that's the drinking source. Anyway, John and Helen and Tanya stand on shore watching Ghandia and Clay struggle in. Both are peeved that they aren't sending the boat to pick them out. Maybe Helen is evaluating their swimming out of force of habit. Anyway, Ghandia laughs at the joke but tells us it wasn't appropriate, considering the people it was played on were hungry, dehydrated and had just barely avoided drowning. First rule of comedy: Know your audience.

Back at Sucks Hard, Erin and Ken find the water source very easily, and refrain from tormenting their tribesmen. But the task of building a shelter tears them apart. The day begins with Robb being super-enthusiastic, "Dude this is so totally gonna work, you guys know that right??" SO everyone gets to work but Penny reveals, "We spent way to much time on the shelter's foundation, y'all." Jed adds, 'Seems to me, eventually, we;re gonna need to eat something." Robb doesn't buy Jed's theory, "Jed pretty much does whatever he wants instead of going along with the crowd like I always do--check out my piercings! Anyway, he went fishing and it didn't work so he should work on the shelter--looking for food is for pussies!" Ken and Robb then have a disturbing conversation about how Jed has soft, pretty hands and how much they hate him for it. Jed overhears this and steps in to relieve Ken from chopping and then Ken gets all male and doesn't want to relinquish axe, but he does. When Jed says he should take over because Ken's hands are cute up, Ken claims, "Yo, college-boy, deys been cut fuh days," even though they've only been chopping for...one day. Then Robb tries to order Shii Ann about, "Go get some palm leaves, woman!" "I was told by Jake to get some food. Food is converted by the body into energy which can enable us to build the shelter." "Uh...sweetie, look at my hands." "What?" "Look at my hands, dude, sweetie, look at my hands, dude." "I don't--" "LOOK AT MY HANDS!!!" "I don't need this, " Shii Ann leaves and then Robb yells, "WALK AWAY, that's it sweetie, walk away," a phrase the young man surely has a lot of experience saying. You sure Cosmo didn't mean, "Most Likely to Eligible Forever?" So Jed and Jake comfort Shii Ann who tells us, "You don't mess with the Shii Devil, and not get the horns." I cannot WAIT to find out what THAT might entail. But then Jake, the worst self-appointed leader since Silas Gaither asks Shii Ann, "Oh...you mean those boys don't WANT you to get food?" Robb yells, "Dude, it's super frustrating to have people not getting blisters. Everyone has to get blisters." Jake, "Well, it was my poor decision to try to have this tribe multi-task and have some sort of division of labor, and I apologize, stupid guy. If you want to yell at someone, yell at ME." Ken nods, "Okay, Jake, we'll do that." "But cut Shii Ann some slack, no one has eaten--" "Dude, I haven't eaten either, Dude!" I swear he was about to cry. Penny looks up, "It's gonna start raining, too." Penny tells us, "So far, our one priority has been the shelter and no one's eaten anything...and I think the lack of food is taking a toll on us." Gee, YA THINK? I mean, I can barely be civil and type adequately around noon, why do these people think they can build an elaborate shelter from scratch without eating anything??

TREE MAIL! By now, you must know that I can only write two kinds of poems: Limericks and Haiku. Limericks were last year so we're back to Immunity Challenge haiku:

don't you know by now
the first is always the same
have you watch'd before?

Um....they'll get better as the season goes on. Robb is confident they'll win because they have the prettiest girls and the strongest guys. That brings us to our first poll of the season:

How should Bandana Boy die?

A) Swinging from a vine, he falls and impales himself on his own skateboard.

B) Swallows his own chin piercing, chokes to death in his sleep.

C) After losing a game of scrabble to a bag of hammers, the hammers develop sentience just long enough to pound him to a pulp.

D) Bitey monkeys, an exposed crotch, 'nuff said

As expected, the first Immunity Challenge is a race with little mental challenges to perform on the way. The Immunity Idol looks like an actual religious icon of some sort--I'd assume Buddhist. Great, thinks John, win Immunity, break the First Commandment. Anyway, to make a long story short, Chewing Gum leads the whole way until Ghandia bonks on her puzzle and Sucks Hard overtakes them to win. :( Walking back to camp, Ghandia breaks down sobbing and the team rallies around to comfort her--even John, who'll dis her behind her back later. Ghandia tells us, 'I'm a legal secretary--I deal in facts and the fact is I blew it." She feels vulnerable, and John thinks its for good reason, "Ghandia's not gonna be good at physical challenges--just look at her! And She's shown herself to be a moron because she couldn't do that puzzle--what good is she to us?" Thing is John she has people skills. Just something to think about. After Tanya pukes all over the place again and Helen says, "Voting her out would be an act of mercy." Tanya tells us, "hey I may be sick, but that's outside my control. John could try and not be and overbearing, cold, arrogant jerk but he isn't!" Word. No one's looking forward to voting anyone out and Helen gets cliché as she moans, "It's like voting someone out of your own family--except Thanksgiving doesn't get *really* awkward afterwards."

They arrive at the Tribal Council Lounge, which this year is a beautifully ornate hut at the end of a pier. It's hella cool. Jeff says, "You all know what fire represents, right? Okay good. You all were winning until Ghandia choked on the puzzle--Ghandia, do you feel like a total loser right now?" "Uh, yeah, thanks for pointing it out." "That's what I get paid to do, Ghandia. Clay, how's it been getting along with these jokers, hard?" "Well , of course it has. Sometimes people don't agree." "And how do you handle that?" "Shoot, Jeff, you vote 'em out. Don't you ever watch the show?" "Yes...of course. John, what's been the hardest part of all this so far?" "It hasn't been hard at all for me, maybe for these crybabies. I'm waiting for it to get hard." Well John, that hard part is coming. Then Jeff asks Brian, "Does being a used car salesman help you take advantage of people?" "No Jeff, I'm a really deep guy. It's all about love--and not the simulated kind I'm used to doing but real honest love. You shouldn't judge a book by it's cover the same way you shouldn't judge a soft-core porn star by the fact that it appears he doesn't have a penis. He does, he just has to hide it in order for it to remain a soft-core movie." Jeff frowns, "Er....it's time to ...uh...vote."

John votes for Ghandia, "You have a great smile, but you're useless and weak. have a nice vacation." Right back at ya, John. Helen votes for Clay because she thinks he has more money than the rest. Jan casts her vote for John, "You're an awesome man but you're also a big ol' jerk." Jeff tallies the votes (sigh), and John is out by a landslide. Everyone cries. Well, okay, Jan and Helen cry and Ghandia cries with relief, but still.

So for the second year in a row, a man is ousted first. John is not a Texan, so their game dominance grows. John follows Deb and Peter as those voted out because they don't play well with others, as opposed to Sonya who was perceived as week. Diane in Africa was an awful combination of both. In his exit, John is certain there was an alliance that he wasn't part of--his ouster couldn't have to do with his being officious. To his defense, I'll say that this is a man who, as a pastor, is used to people looking up to him. It may not have occurred to him that these people weren't looking to him for leadership. Hopefully he'll take a page from Erin's book and learn a lesson in humility--but he seems to by wandering into Kel territory, choosing not to face the fact that loners freak people out. So buh-bye bad witness!

Next week, Chewing Gum probably evicts Jan, sad to say. If Tanya stays sick, she may be in Jessieland--pretty doesn't get it done on Survivor when you're vomiting all the time. Hopefully Sucks Hard goes to Tribal Council where they evict the irritating Robb, though they might turn on Jake, who may have created a monster by assembling a team that's so enamored with their youth. If I were picking teams, I'd pick at least one person weaker than me as an "insurance tribesman."

Have a great week! :D

Christine