Survivor 3.9 Instant Karma gets Brandon

You reap what you sow, and the Survivor gods were using Miracle Gro cuz
Brandon's lack of loyalty to old Samburu is repaid *immediately*, they join
with all the sane members of Boron...and Big Tom...to oust him 6-2. Lex
votes for his *new nemesis, * now that Kelly has been vanquished, Frank.
When Frank goes it'll be...oh, I don't know, the water buffalo that lives
two tree clumps over. Lex needs an enemy.

When this episode began, I at first thought CBS had tinkered with the
timeslots. A crazed serial murderer was glaring intently at a fire, and I
thought, "What the heck? Why is CSI on at 8pm?" Then I realized it was
Lex. I believe it was Lex going on and on at the beginning of the episode
about how the mood in camp was grim, and that the camp was divided between
the people who had voted for Kelly, and the ones that had voted for Lex.
He referred to himself in the third person, but that seems Lexy. Then he
says, "When you think about it, the GAME is a lot like REAL LIFE. It's all
about finding out who you can trust, man. And tattoos." Lex loooooves to
hear himself talk--especially about his enemies and THE GAME. Lex is like
Keith only psychotic instead of merely passive aggressive. His evil
manifests itself as a crazy whirlwind, that
spooks some antelopes. It should spook Ethan, but he's worried about
Brandon--and not just because of the way he looks at him at the bathing
hole.

Ethan: "Lex, Brandon turned against his friends, people who trusted him.
What makes you think he won't do the same thing to you?" Lex snarls,
"THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY!!" Uhmmm...actually, it's EXACTLY what happened,
Lex. Just
ask Lil Kim, who tells Old Kim and Teresa, "I never thought I'd be betrayed
by Brandon. We made *necklaces* together, OK? And in Generation X
culture, that's like a totally sacred pledge that you can never break.
This is what broke up
Smashing Pumpkins." I think in Lex's mind, Brandon IS a loyal person
because Lex is the center of the universe. In Lexworld, defending him is
some sort of moral imperative. Therefore, Brandon is smart and good and
true because he understands all this. That's how Lex can look at Ethan
with a straight face and imply that the Samburans don't have a right to
feel betrayed, and that's how he can say 'Brandon saved our skins last
night! We owe him OUR LIVES!!" True, Brandon did save Lex, but Lex
wouldn't have needed saving had he not turned on Kelly. Lex rambles on,
"I'll never forget Brandon's nobility. I'll also never forget FRANK, who's
trying to SCREW ME!" Just a game, eh Lex? Once again, say it with
feeling, this is a game show where people vote against one another in an
attempt to win a million dollars. Lex, like Silas before him, somehow
takes it personally when anyone else tries as hard as he does to win the
damn game. Why on EARTH would Frank try to help Lex?

Ethan frets that Brandon is only loyal to Lex and not the rest of Boron. I
have to chuckle at Ethan--folks, he deserves every bit of discomfort that
comes his way. You lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas--no sense
complaining about the itchiness. Ethan chose THIS alliance: He believes
he can win immunity over Tom and Old Kim any ol' time he wants, and he
thinks that sitting beside Lex at the end game means $1 million dollars
worth of Umbro gear. Keeping Lex around is part of his strategy, and yes,
that does involve beating one's head against a brick wall. Tough Wamba
lemon cookies, Ethan.

I think Lex is gonna be around for a good long time, kids. Whenever that
depresses you, remember that he IS making an idiot of himself on national
TV every time he opens his mouth, which is often. Now he's whining to
Ethan and Old Kim, "I did what I had to do to save us! Me! Just because I
boss everyone around and tell everyone who to vote for doesn't mean I want
any of the responsibilities that leadership might entail!!" Old Kim rolls
her eyes at Lex and puts sunscreen on Ethan--hey, I want *that* job! Ethan
and Tom are worried about Lex's bizarre devotion to Brandon, and how it
affects their three--er, four person alliance. They may *like* Old Kim,
but this is a boys club, I'm afraid:( It sort of detracts from my Ethan
crush, but I suppose it is the smart thing to do. I mean, if I were
Ethan's
wife........................................................................

.....................................hmmm.....huh? What!? Oh, excuse me,
what were we talking about? Yes, yes, strategy, of course. If I were
Ethan's wife, I'd warn him *not* to go in to the final two with a likable
middle-aged woman ala Tina. In a jury situation, a young, single, kidless
guy like Ethan (Colby), who's intelligent and great-looking and good at
everything...might bug the crap out of people, quite frankly. He doesn't
*need* the money. Things have come to him rather easily, probably his
whole life. He's not a shoe-in by any means, unless he goes in with Lex or
maybe Frank. He is a HUGE threat to get to the final two, however. If I
were in Moto Maji with Ethan, that over-sized ballot would be damp and
smudged with my tears, but I'd try and get rid of him the next time he
didn't get immunity, to increase my odds of making it the final 4.

The girls need to band together and get rid of Lex and Tom and beautiful,
but dangerous Ethan. I gotta root for my sistas, aaaight? Yeah, Ethan's
purty and sweet, but if you want the million, you gotta vote out the people
that will take votes away from you, not people who *bother* you. I mean,
yes, there's the satisfaction of eliminating a jerk, but think about it, 30
days is hardly an impossible amount of time to spend with someone you can't
stand. Anyone who's ever, I don't know...had a JOB? Certainly knows that.
If Lex had any grasp of reality, he'd keep Frank around. But Lex is
too in love with himself to realize that he's become the least likable
white guy in Africa, now that apartheid is over.

Tom and Frank complain about the womenfolk, reminding me, "Hey, there are
worse things than being single. I could be married to a lout!" Tom does
his apparently endearing little jig at the bathing hole, where Brandon is a
bit of an outcast. He doesn't care, telling America, "If anyone thought
for a second that I might be either mature or intelligent enough to put
aside my petty differences with Frank in order to increase my chances of
winning, they are SADLY mistaken. I made a Necklace Vow never to align
with Frank, and even if voting with Lex means I have to go home in three
days? It's soooooo worth it." Hokey dokey brandon :D

Lex glares at Frank and tells us, "Frank represents all the squares, man.
When I take my old lady to the Sizzler in Capitola for a little prime rib,
Frank is that Army Officer from Fort Ord, sneering at me like I'm not
"dressed properly." Look, I have to wear tank tops everywhere so people
can see my tattoos and, for the record, flip flops *are* shoes. He tried
to make an alliance with me and I told him, look, I already made my
alliance, PLUS I just made yet another alliance with Brandon so nyah nyah."

FLIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAKE THEM
STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :O You get the idea.

Tom has a giant boil on his neck, that, in the absence of television,
entrances the tribe. Big Tom is right proud of it, "Issa hon. Ul theh
parful amnuls heve em. Theh Rhinow en theh enlope hev em, Neh big Bar's
get when." When one of the women tries to get it to pop, Tom tells us that
women like to cause men pain, "The ports yeh wan them tuh skwise, theh won,
the ports yeh don' want em tuh, theh do en coz pin." Maybe women don't
want to touch you because you are prone to developing big, gross, scary
boils, Tom. Personally, I would like to cause Tom *great* pain, but I
imagine one could beat him about the head with a 2x4 for several days
without him even realizing it. Maybe I could ask him to alphabetize
something.

A reward haiku:

Not a big surprise
Obstacle course is classic;
Pairing off a twist

Old Kim suggests it could get ugly if someone is left odd man out, so they
pick numbers form a hat. Brandon and Frank become a team, and Teresa
quotes Tina, "Let the games begin!" Tom and Lil Kim are another team, and
Tom beats me to the joke when he says they're doomed if the challenge
requires any mental ability. Frank uses his, "My camping trip has gone to
hell" line AGAIN to describe how he feels about being with Brandon. He
goes on, "Believe you me, never in a hundred million years would I ever
*choose* to be paired with Brandon. I mean, you saw, it, it was out of my
hands, it was random. If I had to pick one person NOT to be with, it's be
him. Write it down somewhere, mail a copy to all your family and friends
until every home in America has their own personal record of my loathing
and contempt for Brandon and, by extension, all queers."

The reward is a night at the movies, complete with candy, hotdogs, nachos
and, thank the Lord it's there or it wouldn't even be worth it, "All the
Mountain Dew you can Drink!" Brandon yells at Frank like a drill sergeant,
and the unlikely duo wins. Back at camp, no one can resist poking fun at
Frank and Brandon's "chemistry." Tom is particularly amused by all the
"Brandon and Frank as lovers" repartee, and I don't know about you, but it
gave me a real "Deliverance" vibe. I'm sure Frank would be offended by
these comments if he ever saw them, but I bet you a buck he doesn't even
watch the show when he gets home. When he tells that to Bryant Gumbel,
remember I called it.

The movie is the Oscar-winning snoozer "Out of Africa," an especially
ironic title for the soon-to-be-departed, and always "way out" Brandon.
Brandon tells us that Frank is abrasive, and they don't have anything in
common. Frank tells us, "I don't know if the first ninety nine times I
told you this have sunk in so let me reiterate. I HATE GAY PEOPLE. I
don't like being around them EVER. I am still...what's a good euphemism
for bigoted...oh, I'm very "old-fashioned." I was EXTREMELY uncomfortable
the whole entire time, but, using my Army training, I was able to somehow
live through watching a film next to one of those people. I will devote
the next forty years of live to repressing this event."

Back at camp, Lex is baffled by Tom and Ethan's mistrust of Brandon,
"Brandon kisses my ass--figuratively, mind you--and he deserves respect. I
have a code, man. Tom and Ethan want to vote him out, so I may have to
vote outside my fray." Yes kids, he really said that. For the record,
"fray" means fight or noisy debate. I think he has taken the phrase "rise
above the fray" and extrapolated some meaning out of it that doesn't
actually exist. His CBS.com bio insists he's fluent in French, which may
be true--it doesn't claim he has a great grasp of English, though he is a
college graduate and a communications major at that. Regardless, Lex is
our best hope yet, in terms of ignorance AND megalomaniacal paranoia, to
give a Survivor finale speech that rivals Sue's "rat eats the snake"
display of cosmic idiocy *fingers crossed,* especially as he is bound to
feel betrayed by several more people by that time.

Anyway, Ethan once again gets a headache trying to talk sense to Lex.
Ethan wonders how strong his bond is to Brandon--is it stronger than the
preexisting ones he has to Tom Ethan and Kim? Lex will only say that his
loyalty to Brandon will end, "When you guys get rid of him, I guess." Tom
chats up Frank to see if he can help them oust Brandon without Lex's help.
Frank tells us, "i like Tom, he's as ignorant and narrow-minded as I am.
Lex is trying to bring Brandon into their group, and Tom is understandably
terrified. People are changing their alliances as often as they change
their underwear out here: every two or three days." Brandon and Lil kim go
for a walk where Brandon pretends to so not EVEN understand how LiL Kim
might feel like he backstabbed her by joining the other side instead of
voting with her and Samburu the way they had agreed on, and giving them the
chance to eliminate old Boron. "What matters is you're the only person out
here who i even remotely like and we'll be Friends Forever!" Gen X
necklace power, ACTIVATE! : Form of a rat-bastard! Lil Kim says, "Brandon,
in the words of Mike and the Mechanics, "Taken In, taken in again. Wrapped
around the finger of some fair-weathered friend. Caught up in the
promises, left out in the end. No pride, taken for a ride. you say I'm
the only one when I look in your eyes. I want to believe you, but you know
to lie..." Brandon blinks, "Whatever, vote for me, I don't care what you
say, we are bestest buddies!"

Immunity Haiku:

Yes, it's the fire test
The one that saved Richard Hatch
don't cheat like Keith did

Lex is geared up for the challenge, "I'm the most vulnerable person in
Survivor HISTORY! It's do or die!"

Every time they show Clarence's flag, I die a little inside :(

Fire challenge: Lil Kim gets emotional, Frank gets DQ'd, Lex wins. He
tells us, "I'm sure you non-Survivors at home can't possibly understand
this, but for some bizarre reason, the longer you're out here, the more you
want to win!" Wow, the mind reels. Then he spews more inanities, "Tom and
Ethan and Old Kim have to agree with my decision to get rid of Frank and
not Brandon. I'm not voting for Brandon, because we have made a sacred
pact. I have made it clear that i am far too honorable to ever betray
Brandon, so if they all decide to vote for Frank and that exposes Tom and
he gets eliminated, hey, they were warned. It'll be their fault when
Samburu picks us off one by one, not mine." This is especially classic
Lex-icon because, for Samburu to be able to pick Boron off one by one,
stalwart Brandon would have to switch back to Samburu, which Lex keeps
saying won't happen. Then he lectures Tom (in one of the most
camera-conscious Survivor exchanges EVER), "You can't let your feelings get
involved at this stage of the game. MY feelings, as determined by gut, are
what's important right now. Frank is going to vote against you, the gut
HAS FORESEEN IT! Decide NOW!!" Is Lex's gut possessed by the same
demon that was in the Son of Sam's neighbor's dog?

Tom is understandably put-off by Lex's high-handedness, and his putting
Brandon's survival above Big Bear's. Tom enlists Frank, who assures him
that T-Bird will vote out Brandon too. Frank suggests that Tom join he and
T-Bird to the finish, but Tom is noncommittal. Tom discusses options with
Ethan who is very resistant to change. He doesn't want T-Bird and Frank
anywhere near his carefully planned out Final Four, thank you very much.
Tom makes sense to Ethan though, when he says that Brandon is less
trustworthy than Frank. Old Kim tells us, "Unlike some people, I've
actually watched the previous seasons of Survivor, and people who switch
sides too early, who display weakness, seem to do poorly. My alliance with
the male-chauvinists has got me this far, I'm not gonna back out just yet."
When she watches this season, I wonder if she'll be surprised at how
bright and bold the number "4" has been painted on her forehead. C'mon
Kim: Girl Alliance! Girl Alliance! Girl Alliance! They can eliminate Lex
with a tie even if Frank is ousted next week (which is most likely if you
ask me.)

Tom reveals how unhappy he is with the situation Lex has put him in: having
to lobby against Brandon or risk getting voted out by a reassembled
Samburu. I really really really really DON'T want to know what Tom means
when he says Lex has put him, "Between a *crack* and a hard place." Yikes!
;)

Tribal Council. Jeff introduces the first juror: Jewel! No, actually it's
a cleaned-up and YM cover-ready Kelly *RuPaul's "Supermodel" plays* Jeff
does his interrogation thing, and Ethan gives an oral report on "The
importance of Confidence when playing Survivor." When Jeff asks Brandon if
he plays with any ethics, he clears up any doubts anyone has about voting
him out by saying, "This is a game with no rules and I simply can't be
trusted to do anything beyond what I consider to be fun at any given
moment! Go me!" Jeff asks Tom the same question: Are there ethics in
Survivor? Or do you suspend your normal beliefs and ethics when you're
playing the game--a game which encourages you to be disingenuous. Tom:
"Ihs buth. Yuh trine be royt with people, bet...Lex is cryzee
soh...whetever heppens, yeh noh?" When Jeff asks Tom what he has to do out
here besides try to figure out what's gonna happen next, he grins, "I gots
ell thes weemehn tuh worsh, ah gotta dence and sayng lak a fool, whilst ah
star et theh weemehn." Everyone laughs. Tom's a dirty old man, but he's
got a funny accent so it's okay! Jeff asks Frank about trust, and he
grunts, "i don't trust anyone who's never put on a uniform, Probst. Yeah,
I'm talking to you!" Lex has been chomping at the bit, waving his hand in
the air, "Oooh, oooh, pick me, pick me! My Gut has quite a bit to say
about trust, jeff. It plays a huge part in all my major decisions. I
mean, when you make the commitment to put a tattoo on your body, you have
to TRUST that it won't go of style. I mean, I can't tell you how glad I am
that I decided *not* to get that KISS tattoo when I was in high school.
Let's face it, what's freakin' cool in 1979 isn't necessarily cool in the
21st Century. Man, that's a trip. 21st Century. Anyway, an eightball
with knife threw it? Classic. Classic in 1984, classic today, man, my
freakin' grandkids are gonna be coming by on their rocket surfboards to
show their friends this puppy, am i right? Yes, yes gut, I'm getting to
that. The point is, my gut told me about Kelly's betrayal, it told me that
Frank is out to get me, it told me to continually add tattoos to my body as
an offering to it or else I'll die, like that Winchester lady putting all
the rooms on her house? And when she quit, she like, died? It's totally
true, check it out." Jeff replies, "...Ooohh Kay. But isn't it fair to say
that your 'gut" is easily influenced by your fragile ego and diseased
brain?" "Jeff...I must not have heard you right. You'd never question The
Gut, would you? I did NOT think so. My gut is like, 90% accurate, so why
don't you back the hell off, Okay?"

A knowing Teresa smirks on behalf of America.

Jeff asks Old Kim how she votes, and she says she tries to think about who
she'd want to win if not her. Ethan chuckles to himself, "My friendship
with her will pay off in spades,
GOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaal!" Then she cleverly assuages
Lex's ego by praising the Gut. When Jeff asks Lil Kim for her worst
quality as a player, she says, "Lil' ol' me? I'm too trusting, I'm too
naive. Basically, I'm just too sweet and good and nice, Jeff." Actually
Lil Kim is too irrelevant. Amberesque. She let Silas boss her around, she
let Lindsey boss her around, now she's listening to T-bird. An
improvement, sure, but she doesn't *stand* for anything really. But, to
make it to the Final Two, she'd have to win oodles of immunity challenges,
so, by then, she'd earn some respect. I don't see that actually happening,
of course, I'm just throwing it out there.

The Vote. Lex gives America his best psycho killer stare-glare and raves
about Frank, "Man, you're just a downer. And that is like, so *not* cool
out here in Africa. Bye Bye!" I love how confident he was :) He was so
certain that the others would follow his lead, tee hee hee. The vote
comes down 6-2, Brandon is ousted in the same week we lost Jenna and Jerri,
and I think he falls somewhere in between them on the human spectrum. He
and Lex were the only ones to vote
for Frank. Brandon can't help but smile at the deliciously camp moment
when Jeff extinguishes his torch with the catchphrase, "The tribe has
spoken."

Next week, I would guess Frank bites the dust. The only thing that makes
me doubt that is the commercials that show Frank being obnoxious, which
makes it seem obvious, and therefore unlikely. But that's still my pick.
Tom Ethan Kim and Lex are taking each other into the final four or at least
five. The Boron boys feel more threatened by Frank's leadership, because
he's a boy, even though T-bird is really in charge of Samburu. If Frank
wins immunity, I'd look for Lil Kim to get the hook,
quashing my hopes for a girl alliance. T-bird has stronger bonds with Old
Kim and Tom (*shudder*), so she'll last longer than the rest. Yes, i've
been wrong lots of times, and I hope I am this time too. I'd love to see
Lex ousted in a stunner, but my gut is telling me to kill people--er, that
is to say, I mean, my gut's telling me Lex will be around for a while, like
it or not.

Last week, Uberspoon! won the poll.

This week's poll question:

What's Survivor body part spin-off has the best chance of making CBS's
2002-2003 fall line-up:

A) Judging Lex's Gut

B) Everybody Loves Tom's Buttcrack

C) Touched by Ethan's Floppy Hair

D) Tom's Amazing Boil

Happy Holidays! Peace, Christine :)