Survivor 2.13

Unlucky 13. And, proving we are truly in an alternate universe from last
season, we follow wise Rodger's ouster in Stupid Sean's slot with sweet
Elisabeth's farewell in Sneaky Sue's number four place. :( It was
almost inevitable, but I was hoping against hope that Keith would be
eliminated.

We open where we left off, with the ramifications of no-Rodger taking an
emotional toll on little Liz. Calling him a treasure she found in the
Outback, she shows the Ogakor's the heart shaped rock Rodger gave her early
on in the game, "He gave me this rock. That's all Rodger did was give. He
gave us fish, he gave us advice. He gave me this rock and didn't even hurt
the environment to do it, Colby. You let him build for you, while you
played backgammon, you let him fish while you sat here and plotted. And
now you've gotten what you needed and you sent him away. You should all be
ashamed of yourselves,
you selfish bastards!!" Liz vows to keep fighting for Rodger's sake, but a
guilt trip is really the only power she has here. Her only hope is that
Colby and Tina will vote out Keith because they like her better.

The gang plays a game where they pretend do run errands. Colby runs to the
ATM and gets snacks and gum, for example. Frankly, I'd rather play
superhero dress-up with Kelly, Jenna and Colleen, but maybe that's just me.

The final reward challenge is for the Pontiac Aztec, now apparently NOT
part of the winner's pot, unless Pontiac is giving away two of them. Now,
I think it's one of the ugliest vehicles on the road today but I wouldn't
sniff at it. I could at least trade it in. That's another vast
improvement from this years group over last year's--they care. I mean,
Colby wants to win everytime. Not because he needs to, but because he
cares. They all do! Last year you had Richard, Sue and Rudy looking down
their noses at every reward, be it a reunion with loved ones (who on earth
would that have been in Rich's case, the little adopted son that's always
trying to run away from him?) or a slice of pizza. Same if it had been a
car. I can just hear them. Rich: "The only thing that matters is the
million dollars, which I'm going to win. These simpletons can waste their
time and energy on rewards, I'm just gonna sit naked in this hammock and
work on my lying." Rudy would have said "That's the dumbest lookin' thing
I ever saw. I don't need a hi-fi and a bed in back of my car...that seems
kinda queer, if you ask me." Sue nods in agreement, "Ah dohn't need a bunk
in no car uh mine, I already got one in my big rig anyhow." LOSERS.
Arrogant losers! Kelly at least gave a damn. Sue said in Tv Guide that
this cast was "Boring." Uh, actually, the word is "likeable." "Decent"
might also work or even "human."

So, this was the most monstrous reward challenge yet. I have this
knee-jerk inclination to make fun of Keith for how poorly he did on this
one, but, honestly, after Jeff got through with all the instructions for
the many levels of tasks to accomplish in order to win, I myself would have
curled up in a little ball and started crying and pounding the dirt and
screaming for my Mommy.

That being said, Keith fell, nyah nyah. THEN he tries to lift the puzzle
pieces and Jeff has to scold him. I wish Jeff would ask him at tribal
council, "Why do you keep trying to cheat on all the challenges, Keith?"
In sharp contrast to Fox's "Boot Camp" Jeff shouts on encouragement to
Keith and Tina as they trail Liz and Colby, rather than insulting them.
Surprise, surprise, Colby wins again. I felt better about this (poor Liz
came so close) when he seemed genuinely thrilled and said he'd never owned
a new car. And, as a professional auto-customizer, he's probably one of
the few people in America who's genuinely impressed at a car that converts
into a tent with a bed and a stereo in the way-back, or whatever that's
called in an SUV (sorry, I have only my station-wagon experience to draw on
here).

The Survivors are starting to resemble Mulder and Scully when they appeared
aged do to...gosh, was it loss of salt? Or the cast of Star Trek when they
got aged? Tina and Colby look about 80 years old sometimes. They are skin
and bones. NO ONE lost this much weight on the first Survivor--except
maybe Dirk, and they kicked him out for it. Well, for that and those pesky
morals of his. The Survivors find a scale and a poem in their mailbox:

"When you arrived, you all were so buff;
But we, CBS, haven't fed you enough.
We send you this mirror so that you can see,
How much weight you have lost and how sickly you be.

If your horrid reflections just aren't enough proof,
stand on this scale and your doubts will go "poof!"
The numbers are metric--a mental diversion!
We hope that in school, someone learned the conversion."

Now, the only purpose I see for all this, is some sort of wager--or even a
pool they've got back at the hotel amongst the CBS staffers. "Oooh, ooh, I
know, we'll send them a scale. Becca, get one of the writers to come up
with some half-assed poem so they think it's part of the game." We learn
that the men have both lost around 30 lbs each, while the girls are each
hovering around a buck even. "I lost 30 pounds in one month on the
"Australia sucks and Mark Burnett is a cruel and heartless rat-bastard"
Diet--and so can you!"

Keith takes one of his walks. Fortunately for him, Jerri is not there to
accuse him of eating beef jerky. Colby suspects he's out "plotting," even
though Colby has told us thirty seven times that he is considering breaking
up the "threatening three" by ousting Keith. Keith tells the camera that
these walks are spiritual. "I'm introspective guy!" He thinks about his
kids, and his fiancee, he suns himself on a rock, he talks about destiny.
I think he just walks away because one of those camera guys has to follow
him, and he gets his own little "Keith of the Outback" segment. He can
spout of his trite philosophical ramblings without having to worry about
Colby snickering or Liz rolling her eyes. Tina would at least pretend to
take him seriously for strategy sake. Tina seems like the kind of home
nurse that winds up getting the inheritance instead of the kids.

Back at camp, the girls make Colby a carwarming bouquet. Hopefully, they
have not broken some ecological law about picking wildflowers, which is a
crime in California. Colby has seen the data from the focus groups, and
shelved the pilot hat for his cool "outback" hat. Jeff comes to bring him
to his new car and his hot meal and hot shower. You can tell Jeff likes
these guys better than last year's crew too. "Where's Keith?" "Who the
hell cares," everyone laughs.

Colby's mom has been flown in as a surprise visitor for Colby's meal, yay!
So glad it wasn't Hatch. Colby lays it on thick when he tells his Mommy
how rough it's been and how hungry he is (he leaves out the part where,
unlike his friends, he's gotten some nice food every three or four days by
winning every freaking reward challenge that involves food). It would have
been great television if she started crying and beating up on Jeff with her
handbag, "What have you been doing to my baby boy!?" Colby sleeps in his
tent/car, then wakes up and his mother takes pictures of him showering.
Um, Interesting.

Colby's mom visits the camp and gives the girls a big hug. She is
especially maternal towards doomed Lizzy and gives her much needed
mommy-ing. I would have loved to get Colby's mom's take on Jerri, can you
imagine Jerri trying her serpentine suck-up routine and Mrs. D slapping her
down? Sigh. Even the families are improved over last year, as Colby's Mom
is actually aware of world news, unlike Dumb Sean's stupid dad who didn't
know squat. Colby is disappointed to hear that the dreaded New York
Yankees have won yet another World Series, "It's so tiresome when the same
people keep winning over and over!" Then Mom brings out the care-packages
from home. Keith gets emotional when he sees pictures of his kids--yes,
they're apparently real! Now I am very perturbed over the fact that they
did NOT chat with Dad online. Is that the evil "Sweet Pea" at work? Part
of Keith's master plan? Are they just shy (mother's genes would have to
play into that one)? I mean, a month in the Outback, and they don't get to
be there when he makes contact? Tina tells Mom that she raised Colby
right. I don't know how long Mom was there, but did you see how many
peanuts they ate while she was there? Damn.

Mom defies the evil Les Moonves and gives Colby a Texas flag bandanna--more
Texan propaganda at Bear Monday. Though, for all we know, Elizabeth's
self-made immunity headdress includes her state flag--I mean, who the hell
would know what the Rhode Island flag looks like? Do they even have one?
I actually have a long-standing feud with Rhode island (they don't know
anything about it). Why on earth is the tiniest state in the Union (with a
teensy coastline, I'm sure) allowed
to be called "the Ocean State?" I don't get it. They should be "The
Littlest State," or something more accurate. Or California could trade
them "the Golden State," which is a stupid meaningless name that I'm
certain we
only took because Rhode island took "Ocean State" and Florida had "Sunshine
State." "Golden State." What does that even mean??

ANYWAY, Colby tells us his only loyalty is to Tina, at this point, giving
us some false hope that Keith could be cast out if he doesn't secure
immunity in the giant game of memory. I CAN NOT believe they didn't do
product placement here, "Now...do you remember where you saw the bag of
cool Ranch Doritos, Colby?" "I think it was near the Bud Light bottle...or
was it the Reebok shoe? I'm still kinda overwhelmed from winning that
Pontiac Aztek, Jeff." Colby wins AGAIN.

AGAIN!!

Elizabeth points out to Keith two kangaroos jumping by. She doesn't
realize it is an omen of DEATH! :0

Elisabeth practically begs Tina not to vote her out, but Tina had her mind
up a long time ago, I think. Either Keith hasn't done anything in her book
that warrants turning on him (sweet Tina version) or she, like Colby, sees
him as a million dollar insurance policy for the million (plotting Tina
version) OR she thinks Keith thinks he owes her and will thus choose to
take her into the final two if Keith wins immunity (conniving Tina). Colby
tells us for the umpteenth time (and if he wins immunity this week we'll
have to hear it YET again, that he is torn between voting out Keith or
someone who is ten times the better person but a threat to his getting
enough votes to win. And yet again, he stays with Keith. Jerri is the
only Ogakor person he's voted out of Bear Monday, he didn't help dump
Amber.

Tribal Council. I like that they showed us some flashes of the long
journey from camp to council, it was cool. Is it just me, or does the jury
always look like they walked right out of the shower and into their seats?
So stylish and refreshed. Jeff asks if Tina resents Colby winning
everything, and covering her bets, Tina raves, "Not even the slightest bit,
Jeff. Why, you've gotta just stand in awe of someone as magnificent as
Colby! I'd love for my daughter to grow up and marry a man like
Colby--hell, I'd marry him myself if things were different. If he wins
immunity yet again next time, I would be pleased as punch!" Then Jeff asks
Keith, "Do you still feel like you can compete? Because you looked pretty
pathetic out there the other day, cheating as usual, falling on your face a
couple times. What's up with that?" Keith replies, "Well, I've lost 27
pounds, OK? How can a person stay competitive when they've lost so much
weight?"

Uh...so did everyone else, Keith.

Jeff asks Elisabeth how she chooses who to vote for, "Well, ever since I
was a little girl, growing up in little little Rhode Island, I've listened
to the little voices in my head. And they've been screaming Keith for the
last week or so. Really loudly. I'm actually a little frightened."

Keith votes for Elisabeth, telling her he'd love for his daughter to turn
out like her, "I'd love for her to spend a day with you--or even a whole
summer, if that's OK. Me and Kirsten need a little peas and carrot time,
if you catch my meaning. If you could take the boy to...that'd be great."
Elisabeth votes for Keith, telling him that, as opposed to last week, when
she voted for him because he's such a pompous jerk, its not personal this
time. She knows that Colby MIGHT vote for Keith...

But, he doesn't. Liz is voted out by the Ogakor three. Tina draws a sad
crying face--yeah, we saw that trick when you backstabbed Mad Dog, Tina.
We ain't buying it! Liz turns to the final three and screams "Eat Rice and
Die!!" No, not really. She says "Go get 'em" and tells Tina to try and
win that immunity idol. Is that a tip off that Tina has her vote?? I
loved Elisabeth's farewell, "They kicked me out because I would have kicked
their butts" You know it! Elisabeth should be applauded for making it as
far as she did. She was no do-nothing throw-away tool like Stoopid Soo.
Elisabeth stuck around because she was a good person, she carried her fair
share, she was nice company and she didn't roll over and die. She fanned
the flames of Ogakor resentment to get rid of Jerri and just plain outshone
Amber. Is anyone else unnerved by how *happy* Amber is over in that jury
box? Anyone want to bet that Amber and Jerri vote the same? What, no
takers?? ;)

Next week: May 3rd!! Three hour Survivor Extravaganza!!!! Wooo Hooo!!
Whoever wins the final immunity challenge (And I hope it's an endurance
one, i.e., stand on this pole or don't let go of this log , etc. ) gets to
pick who they want to take with them into the vote. I'm hoping against
hope that Colby and Tina pick each other but each will most likely take
Keith at this point. If Keith wins, I guess he'd take Tina but...who
knows? The twist this year over last is that no one knows who won. They
voted, but none of the contestants, including the winner, have any idea who
voted for who. That will be revealed to them during the live (on the east
coast) broadcast--they learn when we learn. That's kinda cool. What I
don't get is how they are going to squeeze two hours out of the final
immunity challenge and vote (last year, Sue was voted out in the same two
hour episode as Rudy, than we had the vote). But, I'll be there. Hats of
to those of you having big parties, with Bud Light and Rice and party
torches bought at your local Target store, but since I don't want to spend
three hours shushing people, I plan on going it alone. You may THINK you
care about Survivor as much as I do...but you really don't. Take care!
Christine :D