Survivor 2.12

Sorry for the delay, I was at my parents, and I just can't manage their
laptop's "mouse." Nothing compared to the hardships endured by our poor
waterlogged survivors, but enough to make me wait until I was back at my
computer before I composed my latest review. I'm sorry to say, the extra
week of reflection will not make it any more witty or interesting, it's
just late.

OK, I am so freaking tired of hearing Rich and the other last year
survivors say that this year's group isn't having a tougher time than they
did! You were on a tropical isle with hammocks and Tapioca pudding and
spearfishing, these guys are in an inhospitable wasteland of burning heat
and monsoons, no pudding, they've had to rebuild their camp like three
times...grrr! This year's survivors are like homeless people, not last
year's lazy-ass
tourists.

Also, enough with the reality show bashing. Now I have to read in TV Guide
that "Once and Again" might not be renewed and in it, the author and the
shows producers talk about big bad reality TV. Zuh? Why not, blame "Law
and Order," another show with writers, that's kicking your ass, not
"Survivor." Or blame the idiots who made that scheduling decision at ABC,
the network that killed another of your fine shows, "My so called Life,"
back when the only famous Richard Hatch was that guy that used to be on
"Battlestar Galactica"--incidentally ANOTHER show that ABC canceled despite
its devoted audience. If ABC fails to renew the wonderful "Once and
Again," don't anyone let them blame "Survivor." Networks cancel and
mishandle and abuse great shows all the time (when you're eight, Galactica
is a great show) and they screw over their fans and they schedule crap to
replace it and then they say how sorry they are that they couldn't make the
show work even though they never tried and they don't really care about
your letters or your protests or your feelings. It is not a new phenomena
and it is certainly not the fault of those poor wet hungry people at Bear
Monday!! >:0

Whew. Please don't forward this to any TV executives--I'm presently
unemployed and
looking for work in the industry.

This week's episode begins the way...they all seem to open these days, with
everyone sitting around telling us that they are wet, hungry and depressed.
They miss food, the shelter is worthless, blah blah blah. But then comes
the news that they get to contact their loved ones for the reward
challenge--FINALLY, we get to see who they have back home. We learn that
Elisabeth is nicknamed "Bessy" and Keith is "Carrots." Add that to
Kentucky Joe and the Colbster...that's a lot of stupid nicknames. Tina has
no nickname, move forward two spaces. Notice the guilt danish and coffee
Jeff P and CBS provide for everyone. CBS business affairs probably went
over the release forms and told Mark Burnett, "Even if they DID mis-ration
the rice, there's nothing in these contracts that says that gives us the
right to starve them to death. Their survivors (pardon the pun) might have
some legal recourse."

I'll admit, I cried my eyes out during this episode. I cried when Rodger's
wife cried, I cried when he cried, I cried when Liz cried, I cried and
cried. We learn that Colby is a bit of a momma's boy--I was surprised that
CBS didn't confiscate HER Texas flag, "You can have your son back, Mrs.
Donaldson...but...we're gonna want something in return. It's gonna cost
you your flag. Mr. Moonves just likes
taking away people's flags, ma'am, we don't really know why." It kinda
reminded me of how, on written TV shows, when they pretend to go to another
location but they don't REALLY go, you just have the fake Eiffel Tower in
the window or whatever. I don't think Colby's mom is Texan at all. That
scene was shot over on "The Price is Right" stage, this is all a big scam
like the moon landing.

Also,
remember when Keith said Tina was like a sister to him? They are both 40
years old, they both have two kids, they are both divorced and now involved
with younger people. Both said it was wrong to search Kel's bag but both
voted him off because they wouldn't stand up to Jerri. Suspicious. I
thought Tina's hubby was a cutie-pie. I thought it
was weird that we got Keith's "Sweet pea" and not his kids--maybe they're
little tikes? I didn't think Keith's "spontaneous" proposal was as
nefarious as Colby later suggested, but I doubt it was that much of a
surprise to Kirstin. I'm sure it was discussed "back in the world," as
Keith might say. No way Chef Keith throws that out there without being
100% positive about the answer. Anyway, Tina winds up winning, and I was
glad since she had the kids and all.

It's nice that Keith is the only one left that I hate. I like the other
four, whereas at this point last year you had Rich, Sean and Sue who I
hated and Rudy who I tolerated and Kelly was the only one I was really
rooting for.

Everyone is invigorated by their chats with statesiders. They toss around
the departed Nick's Frisbee (later, we see Rodger using Jeff's discarded
luxury coloring book, the ghosts of luxury items past. Too bad Jerri
didn't leave her bongo drum). They
pray and say a Waltonesque goodnight to one another. You can take the show
away from CBS studios, but you can't take the CBS out of the show.

The next day, Rodger and Keith find a smoldering log in the woods. Keith
tells us that "That fire we found was instrumental in the making of our
next fire. We are truly like the cavemen out here, struggling to
survi--watch out for that camera power cord, Liz--struggling to survive the
elements, discovering fire...proposing to our girlfriends on national
television over the Internet."

Colby decides to replace his cool wide brimmed hat for a bizarre wool-lined
leather pilot's hat. Move back three spaces, unless there's some story
behind it like it belonged to a dead war-hero relative or something...no,
no, it's dorky regardless.

Keith tells the camera he sees it as he and Tina and Colby at the end--no
argument from me. He
doesn't want to offend Rodger and Liz though, as they are future members of
his jury, but he's KEITH, so naturally, he does. With the rice. Keith the
Kontroller decides to waste a bunch of food in order to show everyone
what a great resourceful cook he is. He blows off Liz and Colby when they
complain, then frets that he's "vulnerable" when they agree that he's wrong
but doesn't see that he was completely responsible for alienating them.
Kick-ass Tortillas couldn't save Jerri from herself, what good are stupid
ego-ricecakes gonna be to Carrots? Keith is trying to be Rich-like here,
trying to be the food provider. But whereas evil-but-charming Rich was
actually going out and spearing fish and bringing in fresh supplies,
human-but-pompous Keith is taking the group's meager and hard-earned food
supply and doing what HE wants to do, regardless of their feelings, because
he seems to think that being a professional chef means he's in chargeof the
food, the fire and the matches (the ones he left in his pocket in his shirt
on the ground when the camp was unattented.)

Think about it: If Keith is in the final two, sure, he could make a speech
about winning immunity on the pole challenge to help lead Ogakor over
kucha, he can talk about risking his life to get the food can in the
river...but YOU KNOW he's gonna talk about his freakin paella pan and how
he tried to "spice things up" on the cooking front, and it's just going to
remind everyone about what a controlling officious jerk he was Keith Famie,
Marquis of Matches, Regent of the Rice Pot, Prince of the Paella Pan. The
whole rice cake thing was just so he can use that recipe in his cookbook
and on the CBS morning show as an "actually used in the outback" recipe.

I hate Keith.

Now the Survivors talk about how bored they are. They watch what Colbster
calls the "Outback Television." Don't laugh. If the Writers Guild goes on
strike, that's your midseason replacement show right there: "You loved it
on "Survivor: The Australian Outback" Now join FIRE for an all new series
of excitement. Will it keep burning?! What if it goes out?! You won't
believe what happens next!" And I'll of course have to write a review, "I
SO think the bottom log is going to break into two pieces this week!" and
you all can write back "Christine you are so mean, the bottom log is just
as strong as the other logs, and if anyone's going to break in two, it's
gonna be that new branch they threw on in week three!"

Tina reveals that there are hearts painted on the walls throughout her
Tennessee home. *Shudder* That's worth a stupid nickname, go back two
spaces. Colby looked like he was going to pull a Michael and put his face
in the fire rather than listen to Tina's verbal home tour.

Immunity Challenge, and more educational programming. Nothing can beat
last year's "memory challenge" with Rudy saying "I dunno" into the camera
every question. They have to unlock their shackles and bring them to Jeff.
Keith finishes first, but, seizing defeat from the jaws of victory yet
again, he drops a lock on the way and Colby wins AGAIN. I laughed and
laughed.

The day of the vote arrives, Tina gives everyone a big hug. Then she asks
Rodger who needs the money more, he or Elisabeth. Gentleman Rodger tells
her he was once a CFO at a bank and that Liz should be the one to stay.
Now, don't be distracted by Rodger's nobility here. Liz would do EXACTLY
the same thing in his place, I THINK--we'll never really know, why?
BECAUSE, Tina doesn't ask her. This isn't a choice here. Tina isn't
asking Rodger which one she should eliminate, she's merely trying to
assuage her guilt by getting the patients' permission to pull the plug.
Rodger is your million dollar winner if you don't ax him, Elisabeth is more
of a question mark. Tina had no intention of leaving Kentucky Joe in the
final four, but she speaks softly before hitting him with her big stick.

If Rodger was still CFO of a bank, I'd fly to Kentucky to entrust my money
to him.

Keith tells the camera he could get "blindsided" at the vote. Can it BE
blindsiding if you see it coming??

Liz continues to pay attention to the cracks in the Ogakor alliance. It
helped her and Rodger leap frog over Jerri and Amber--can it still get her
past Keith?

Jeff asks Keith about his mental state: "Well, since I don't have my sweet
pea and my employees here, I have been playing mind games with myself. You
have to expect the unexpected. Contrary to what I have always believed,
some people aren't very appreciative of culinary creativity. You're your
own worst enemy out here. Next to the people who hate you, that is."

Jeff asks Tina if she feels vulnerable: "Well, it changes. One day, I'm
feeling mighty fine, looking at the wonderful community of decent folk I
have built by weeding out those bad people who don't live up to my
standards. But then I see them whispering and I realize, this isn't first
season, there's no Sue here, no Sean. these are all smart, observant
people. My dictatorship, benevolent as it may be, might ruffle some
feathers and cost me down the road."

Jeff, knowing that Rodger has taken a bullet for Liz, asks her about
Rodger, and Jerri vomits as the two sing one another's praises. Then Jerri
cackles with glee to learn of Keith's dropped lock. Keith says "That's the
way the cookie crumbles, don't cry over spilt milk, don't count your
chickens until they're Richard Hatched." And was dropping the lock really,
as Keith says, a "faux pas"? Described in Websters as "a slip or blunder
in etiquette, manners or conduct; an embarrassing social error." See,
dropping the lock was a physical blunder. An example of a SOCIAL blunder
might be...Uh, gee, I dunno, wasting the communal food to stroke your ego
and ignoring your friend's objections or...maybe...throwing a bucket into
the air in celebration about winning a contest before you actually won
it...things like that.

Liz and Rodger vote for Keith. The mini-alliance holds and Rodger is voted
out. Keith, still deeply involved in his "Survivor is Viet Nam"
psychodrama tells Rodger, "Well, buddy...brother, *heavy sigh* I gotta do
this to survive. I gotta leave you behind. But...Maybe, if the cookie
crumbles just right, I'll see you *heavy dramatic sigh*...on the other
side." Uh, do ya mean the hotel Keith? You'll see him at the hotel and
eat a meal together in a couple days when THE GAME SHOW is over?

Getting rid of Rodger was necessary--he'd win, hands down, over any of the
others. Now it's wide open. Colby, Tina and Liz are probably all close
together. Look for Liz to get knocked off unless she wins immunity--having
Keith in the final two SEEMS to be part of both Tina and Colby's plans.
Curious to see what would happen if Keith had immunity and had to pick
between C and T. Keith would have been dead WAY back in week 4 if Colby
hadn't broken ranks with Jerri and eliminated Mitch. But Keith probably
still feels beholden to Tina for her "noble" stepping-off the pole in the
infamous 10 hour challenge. Now, I like Tina, but, thinking back on that,
Keith's "I need this, I owe you" profession etc...isn't that weird? I
mean, Tina had no votes. She didn't need immunity AT ALL. Jerri and Keith
were the only vulnerable members. Colby stepped off early to leave himself
open to votes (he was safe in the tie as he had no previous votes.) Keith
needed immunity for the good of Tina and Colby. So...Tina standing on that
pole benefited NO ONE...except her if it bonded Keith to her. Keith is to
Tina as Amber is to Jerri?

If they're smart, Colby and Keith will team up to get rid of Tina, who
seems the vote-favorite to me, but...I dunno, I dunno. An endurance
immunity challenge between Tina, Colby and Keith could be great television
though. Hard to imagine anyone quitting. I'd love to see the vote come
down to Colby and Tina, just because I think it'd be the closest to call,
and therefore the best episode.

Next week--er...this week...er...today! A surprise guest comes to camp:
Les Moonves? Martha Stewart? The cast of CSI? I hope it's not Richard
Hatch. Any of the first season survivors--even Stupid Sue, just not Hatch.
I heard him say that Liz's only chance in a vote would be the fact that
"some juries like a sweet perky girl" or something...and I'm
thinking....Uh, there's only been one jury voting on "Survivor" and they
picked you. What are you babbling about?? Nothing the ex-Survivor's have
told us has been relevant. Colby Tina and Keith got in with a weak three
person alliance, not a strong evil four person one, Ogakor wasn't picked
off one by one, etc. The show works because of what you can't predict.
Hatch was touting Jeffy Jeff, then Colby, now he's bashing Colby and
supporting Tina. And if freaking Elisabeth wins, he'll say "she played it
just right, just like I said." Rich is such a weenie.

Hope you all are doing well. Christine :) "E! True Hollywood Story" on
Survivor First Season Next Wednesday at 9pm!!