Survivor 2.7

Believe the hype: Don't mess with Texas.

They got A-Rod, they got the White House, they got the Miss USA crown and
now, they have a pretty damn good shot at winning Survivor. CBS must be
frothing at the mouth--he don't need no liposuction for his closeup, yee
haw! People Magazine's Sexiest man Alive 2001: The Colbster.

Hmmm. CBS broadcasts Survivor AND Miss USA and...didn't Texan Dan Rather
call Florida for Dubya early!?!? Isn't this the Walker Texas Ranger
NETWORK? Something's afoot, people. I told Jen during the Republican
National Convention that there was something ominous about that sea of
white cowboy hats, but she chalked it up to demobrat paranoia. Who's
laughing now, Jen? Actually, Jen is still chuckling at how offended I was
that my tax bracket wouldn't be getting a tax break, even though I
ostensibly think the whole thing is a bad idea. "I thought you WANTED the
government to spend all your money on social programs", she mocked.

Jen and I both turned 30 yesterday. Not a big deal. I find the whole
"over
the hill" thing dated. It's a seventies sit-com thing to worry about, a
Jack Tripper-Ann Romano thing to worry about, rendered rather meaningless
as the people who warned us not to trust anyone
over thirty are now all over fifty. I'm glad I was born in 1971, and I'm
glad
I'm still alive in 2001. End of story. Anyway, the momentous occasion has
been overshadowed by devastating news out of England today: The Spice
Girls have broken up. Frost was right, nothing gold can stay.

At any rate, my deep abiding hatred of the evil Dallas Cowboys is too great
a force in my life for me to join this...I think we have to call it a
movement, folks. A New World Order with Texas leading the way, setting the
pace, making the rules. Damn it! I knew I should have gotten that Dixie
Chicks CD! To be safe, I've got Roy Orbison on as I write this, I just
have to pray that's enough protection for now...

USA TODAY ran an article the other day with a headline blaring "How real is
reality TV?" The author seems to feel we don't realize that we're watching
footage that has been edited and manipulated to tell a story. GASP! They
actually quote Sean, who claims he said all kinds of witty and brilliant
things that were edited out. I find that hard to believe, but if it's
true, so what? It's a television show. A brilliantly edited television
show, but, as Heather B from the very first MTV Real World once said to
Tami of Real World two when Tami was claiming not to have been a complete
bitch, they can't use anything you didn't give them. You came off the way
you did because of your own words and your own behavior. Heather B also
gave us the CBS Mailroom motto "Heather's gotta do for Heather." Whenever
you have to cut out of an obligation to pursue your interests, whenever you
need to absolve someone of the guilt they feel when they are being a little
selfish, whenever you have to take a personal day, just say "Hey, Heather's
gotta do for Heather." And people say you can't learn anything form TV.

I get so tired of these whiny TV people acting like Survivor is a threat to
writers. Survivor is not trying to be ER or NYPD Blue. Survivor is like a
football game. That's why its so exciting. It's not about who should win
or who wants it more or who deserves it more who needs it more. It's about
who shows up on game day and scores more points. Ten years ago, 1991, the
San Francisco 49ers were on their way to an unprecedented third consecutive
Super Bowl in a row. *Gonna make you Sweat" by C&C Music Factory playing*
They were the best team. They had the lead late in the 4th quarter--all
they had to do was run out the clock. But Roger Craig uncharacteristically
fumbled the ball, New York recovered and went on to play and win that
year's Super Bowl. It's like when the ball rolled between Bill Buckner's
legs in the '86 World Series--who could, or would, write that?

What's great about Survivor is every week, someone is gone and that void
completely changes the group dynamic. We bond with people over time, even
if they annoy us (Jenna, for example). And watching the show I get as
nervous as I do before a Niner Playoff game, worrying if Jerry Rice got
enough sleep the night before. As another network described it: "The
thrill of victory, and the agony of defeat. The human drama of athletic
competition." If Survivor is putting people out of work, so is the NFL,
and the NCAA and the freakin' Olympics. So shut up, Steven Weber--no one
watches your show because it SUCKS, stop blaming Survivor!

Kucha begins the episode plotting in the dark of their tent. They are on
the right track. They know that Kimmi revealed to Ogakor that Jeff had one
vote against him. They fear Colby, they mistake Jerri's bossiness during
the competitions as leadership. They think they should focus on them.
They also believe that Tina won't turn on her tribe (interesting
theory...). If Tina will not turn to the Dark Side than perhaps Amber
will...Even sweet Elisabeth and Kentucky Joe are determined and pleased
with their voting block. If only poor, gullible Pagong had had such a
plan.

Back at Ogakor, Jerri amuses herself with imagining what possible
calamities could have befallen the still-mysterious-to-them Kucha
tribesman. "Hey, maybe that old coot Rodger had a stroke!" She says,
barely containing a smile. You know, Rodger may be the oldest one left,
but he really isn't that old. I mean not "stroke eminent" old. He's 53.
Cher is older than Rodger, okay? So is Rod Stewart. Arnold
Schwarzengger.
Harrison Ford. Tina Turner. Bill Clinton. George Dubya. Robert DeNiro.
Olivia Newton-John is 53, for crying out loud, no one's following her
around with a travois and a heart monitor! (I would like to thank the
World Almanac for their assistance in composing this paragraph.)

Both tribes talk tough for the camera "They are different form us, they
suck!" But, they all hug and kiss and laugh and bond once they're
together. I don't think that was all fake, I think it's human nature to
want to fit in and like people and be liked. Jerri manages to hide her
Jerriness from the Kucha girls. Jerri wanted to harp on the lack of
matches SO BAD! "Keith's got the matches. Freaking Keith wants us to look
bad in front of the other tribe that no good rat bastard who I almost
succeeded in voting out until---oh, hey Alicia you wanna try one of my
special tortillas? Everyone says they kick ass!" As Tina says "It's in
Jerri's best interest not to show a hateful side," and, for a wonder, Jerri
masks her true wicked self. We'll see how long THAT lasts.

It was pretty odd that Tina felt compelled to defend Keith: "He didn't take
the matches on purpose, as God is my witness!" Uh, yeah, Tina. Here we
were all thinking wacky Keith was playing a prank. I'll bet he keeps them
in his pocket so that no one will try to cook without him. Lucky for the
girls, Jerri ignites the fire with her flaming demon breath, and the kick
ass tortillas are enjoyed by all. New Yorker Alicia is stunned to discover
her own long-ago repressed humanity, declaring she's decided that Ogakor
WILL get to eat some of Kucha's food when the tribes merge. So sweet. I
can't believe she didn't bring the bird food to share.

Then the conversation gets REALLY racy for CBS. I couldn't believe there
wasn't a graphic content warning for what happened next. The girl's
started in with all that "food" talk, and, as Colby and Jerri have assured
us, even when you're starving in the outback, if you're craving food you
have sex on the brain. Jerri even mentioned the chocolate syrup from her
ride 'em cowboy fantasy and...I didn't even know you could say "vanilla
tootsie roll" on network TV. Signed, Shocked and Appalled in LA.

Keith is overcome with the gentlemanly spirit of the Kucha men, who have
slain a chicken in honor of their arrival (they thought you were gonna be
hot babes, Keith). Anyone else think male-bonding is some foreign concept
that Keith has always longed for but only read about in Robert Bly books?
"These wonderful men, who I've only just met. It's as though we've been to
war together. We sat around a campfire and (sniff) talked about how we're
all on the same television show and...it was really meaningful. I'd lay
down my LIFE for these comrades in arms, my Brothers. It's also nice to be
with a group of people that don't include a bossy, evil actress who
threatens my manhood with her cold, cruel taunts and kick-ass tortillas."

Colby makes fun of the Kucha men for expecting to wine dine and beguile the
gals of Ogakor--hey we saw you washing your armpits in the pond, Colby,
don't tell us you'd have done that for Rodger! Jeff is somewhat
unimpressed with Colby, declaring that all he noticed about the guy was his
dazzling white teeth and big friendly smile. Isn't that what Alice said
about the Cheshire Cat?

Our friends at Survivor throw a wrench in the works and make BOTH tribes
move, but treat them to a picnic. We get no "love connection" ala last
season's meeting of the...er, minds of Jenna and Sean. Nick finally
reveals a personality--and it turns out he's a fussy cracker-counting hall
monitor! Must have been fun at the Morehouse BBQ's: "Uh, Shanice, it
everyone has two corn-on-the-cobs, there won't be enough for everyone
else!" He will not forget the breakdown in order and protocol at the
Merger picnic. If Nick's vote ever becomes pivotal, HE will refer to his
own tie-breaker: "Amber, 22 crackers, one mug of wine, one slice of
watermelon. Colby, 27 crackers, TWO mugs of wine, Hogged the GRAPES!"

Jeff has other worries: "It's fifteen minutes into the picnic, and they've
been fake friendly like us the WHOLE time, and then they go and start
plotting the way we've been doing! We're supposed to win, we prayed about
it OK? Michael almost DIED so we could win. We're the tribe that has a
plan, THEY'RE supposed to be the stupid unsuspecting tribe, OK? This isn't
as FUN as it was before."

Then they have to build a shelter and everyone does as Jerri says, then
bitches to the camera that they were all in agreement that Jerri was wrong
but too chickensh** to stand up to that scary scary bartender. Colby
claims his wussiness is "strategy." "How can I be a threat? Watch Jerri
emasculate me and ignore my ideas. Would a LEADER allow that? Hee hee,
all part of the Colbsters plan." Riiiight.

The tribe decides to name themselves after a great big Australian fish that
my closed-captioning and I agree is called a "Bear Monday." Jerri: "For
some reason, it seemed appropriate to name the tribe after something slimy
and dangerous, bwahhahha!"

Then we get right down to business with the first immunity challenge for
bear monday. Its so basic, I love it. Last person to step off this log
wins immunity. Jeff is there to offer his unique and strangely not
contradictory blend of comfort and mental cruelty. Our favorite target
Kimmi's gone, but let's do some Survivor math anyway, shall we? There will
be a TIE. All 5 kuchas will vote alike, all 5 ogakors will vote alike.
The only people at risk are those who've had votes cast against them. In
Ogakor's case, its Jerri and Keith. In Kuchas case it is ONLY Jeff. Kucha
isn't sure who's been voted for, they are flying blind. Seems Colby's
soaking Jerri at the last reward challenge before the merger might have
given them a clue, she WAS on their short list, but I guess they were too
busy doing that silly victory dance to notice. ANYWAY, Jeff KNOWS that
THEY know that he has a vote from Kimmi--and he jumps off that log, WHY?
"This is CRAZY! I CAN'T figure out why everyone's so worried. Alicia' and
Elisabeth aren't in any danger, I AM. But, I'm gonna save my strength for
all the OTHER immunity challenges to follow, it'll be FUN to...Oh, crap!"

Colby's plan works. Keith gets immunity and Colby draws enemy fire away
from Jerri--you gotta hand it to Ogakor, they have learned what teamwork
is--this week, anyway. Keith and Jerri even play nice--but for how long?
Will the war of the paella pan ever TRULY be over? Jeff whines that Kimmi
got him booted off--hey, if you weren't such a jerk to her, maybe she would
have felt compelled to protect you, Jeffy. Or you could have stood on the
damn log for 11 hours, if you had the mental toughness of a house fly.
What comes around, goes around.

I will mess Jeff's tribal diatribes. He was almost poetic with Colby:

"There once was a cowboy from Texas
Whose leadership role we suspected
When came tribal hour
we feared Lone Star's power
So we vote his bad self be X'ed"

Who knows what next week might have brought:

"There once was a bartender/actress
Who made us choose sand for a mattress
Not one vote will switch
We think she's a bitch
And send her back to Satan's fortress."

We can only hope.

I was very pro-Kucha last week, but I gotta give props to Ogakor for
stopping their slide, sucking it up, gutting it out. Plus I'm glad snotty
Jeff can't win. Jerri is the only real villain left, and unless she can
forge an alliance with the remainders of Kucha (she DID promise to stir it
up), she won't make the final four. And let no one ever say votes don't
count: Kimmi's "meaningless" vote when she was kicked out 6-1 made all the
difference tonight, and remember, Colby got 5 votes that will be hard for
him to duck if there's ever another tie. I see Keith, Tina and Colby as
the final three, but anything could happen--that's why you gotta love
Survivor! NEXT WEEK SURVIVOR IS ON WEDNESDAY!!!! DON'T FORGET!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wouldn't it be great if that Tribal Council music played when you went into
your bosses office to ask for a raise? Just a thought. Christine :)