Survivor 2.9

OOOOH what a beautiful MORNING Oh What a Beautiful Day. I've got a
beautiful feeeeeeeeeling! Everything's going my way!!!!

If you notice a little skip in a co-worker's step: they watched this week's
Survivor. If someone let's you merge on the freeway--they're a fellow
Survivor viewer. If Puff--or, excuse me, P-Diddy and J-Lo announce they've
reconciled, if the SUN IS SHINING JUST A LITTLE BIT BRIGHTER ALL OVER THE
GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL WORLD OF OURS, I think we all know why: Let the
glorious news be spread, the wicked young witch at last is DEAD!!!

WoooooooooooooooooooooHoooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

This is made even sweeter by the fact that Stupid Sue raves about Jerri in
this week's TV guide. She says Jerri should win because she's honest about
being a bitch and she isn't fake. What Sue is too dumb to get is that
Jerri actually IS trying to pretend to like these people, she just can't
pull it off. Remember when Sue said her famous line about proving that
rednecks weren't as dumb as people thought? Didn't she prove just the
opposite? She's still so danged honored that someone as booklearn'd as Rich
saw fit to pick her for his alliance that she TO THIS DAY doesn't see how
shrewdly he used her and then tossed her aside.

But enough about the past, let's get back to March 29th, 2001. A day that
will live in...the opposite of infamy.

It's raining. the tent's leaking, the fish are hiding in the muddy water,
life is sucking hard-core for Bear Monday, but especially Jerri who huddles
in the tent, "I don't know if you saw The Wizard of Oz, but...if I go out
in that rain, I'm gonna melt faster than butter on a hot paella pan."
Keith is almost giddy with misery, and like a yuppie who finally gets to
rope an aged steer at the dude ranch he can't wait to restart the fire and
relate to us how TOUGH life can be in THE OUTBACK. "This is exactly the
sort of life experience I hoped to acquire out here. I'm hoping to get a
few dozen anecdotes and ice-breakers out of this. It almost makes up for
the psych test I failed when I tried to get into the Army twenty years
ago."

Food is scarce. Even so, the tribe still has to contend with The Goddess
of Rice. "Let's eat," says the tribe. Keith replies, "Uh...yeah...uh...if
uh...Jerri...says it's OK--that's Okay with you, oh mistress of the Cooking
Pot?" Jerri scowls.

Colby and Lizzie picking up the mail! k-I-s-s-I-n-g! first comes love,
than comes an alliance then comes a lawsuit when Jerri finds out!

The reward challenge requires the group to split into guy-girl teams and
everyone says 'let's draw names out of a hat! that's fair!' And Jerri
hisses at them "Since when is this about fair? I should get Colby. I
always get my way and you all get screwed. That's how Survivor is played!"
Of course, the Sorting Hat is no match for Jerri's dark magic, and she
gets Colby regardless--though it does place her in Slytherin...

Doesn't that dry river bed they're camped in look like a road? I keep
expecting someone to yell, "Car!" and see the whole crew move their camera
set ups etc aside so the vehicle can pass.

Jerri says "Ironically, I got what I want. Plus, I showed everyone who's
boss. I think I just scored some MAJOR leadership points." Ironically,
Jerri misuses the word "ironically," but later, after her hour of boasting
and plotting and ranting and raving and fantasizing and smoking the crack
pipe about how people LIKE her--she gets the boot. Isn't it Ironic...don't
you think?

Colby is chafing at Jerri's bit, he doesn't want to be partners with her,
but he wants to win and he does--and almost kills Jerri in the process--I
mean, did you SEE him throw her over that wall and practically slam her to
the ground?? A little hostile are we, Colbster?

Later, everyone waits for the helicopter. Jerri mistakes her tribesmen's
latent anger and passive aggressive teasing about her missing the
helicopter as good-natured ribbing, but still vows to destroy them in her
mind. "I keep winning everything, which, has got to hurt these loser's
feelings...but, I'm Jerri. I kick-ass, I just can't help it. Did you ever
see Cocktail with Tom Cruise? I'm like, the female Tom Cruise in
Cocktail." Once again, the losers get the reward of no Jerri. Colby
decides if he wins the million, he'll buy a helicopter to fly over
Southfork.

Colby tells Jerri they should take a break from plotting and enjoy the
break, which is code for "Shut the hell up, woman!" Jerri cackles to
herself, "Come to the dark side. Join me, and we will rule side by side.
It is YOUR DESTINY!" Colby and Jerri get a huge spread of fruit,
champagne...but, I mean, the Doritos are the BEST. They're even better
than the whole seven wonders of the world crap, whatever. DORITOS: The
longer we starve you, the better they taste.

Back at camp, Nick has a stunning insight: "I think...it would have been
cool to win that challenge. Going to the Great Barrier Reef for a feast
and some scuba diving...seems like it might be better than starving here at
our boring-ass camp gathering kindling."

Scantily-clad Colby ALMOST makes up for having to listen to jerri's ravings
about how romantic it is to be here with Colby. What color is the sky in
Jerri's evil nightmare world? How can she NOT see that he can barely
tolerate her anymore? "I couldn't have come out here with a better person.
I mean, face it, Colby is the best-looking guy out here. This is like a
first date without the sex--I mean, a HONEYMOON without the sex...and the
friendship...and the trust...and the honesty...and the commitment...and
even the most rudimentary understanding of who the other person really is.
You know, I have a real tender side when I'm smoking crack and thinking
about how much everyone loves me."

Colby brings back coral for everyone, and even adds a personal touch "Tina,
if you can make it out, I engraved the state seal of Tennessee on your
piece, Uh, Keith here's yours, I wittled it into the shape of a paella
pan..." Jerri shakes her head bitterly, "Colby went and played the "human
card," giving everyone gifts to indicate...ca...car...caring? Is that
what you mortals call it? Interesting strategy. I still think my disdain
for mankind is going to carry the day. Colby and I are neck and neck
though and I think he just got one-up on me today." Uh, actually Jerri,
Colby's coral-stunt put him up FIFTY THOUSAND on you, okay babe? Ah,
Jerri, Positively 4th Street, as usual.

Nik, Liz and Rodger go to the Kucha fishin' hole where they always go to
talk about how it sucks to be losers. Nick knows he's next and he's gotta
win.

News of the immunity challenge comes. When the poem mentions boats, that
crafty Keith suspects WATER might be involved....ya think? Keith then, as
usual, tries too hard to be clever when Jeff asks for the immunity idol
back and says "Third times a charm." Jeff, "Huh?" Keith "Uh." Jeff. "So,
you're gonna win again for sure, eh?" Keith, "ER...I don't
know...Uh...I've been, er lucky, urk." Jeff brings out an un-bewitched
sorting hat, dooming Jerri. Colby "playfully" suggest that Jerri hang
herself from a tree--JUST KIDDING :D Nick's victory gains him the immunity
idol he so desperately needed and assures us that we will lose someone
interesting at tribal council. My fave moment was when Keith was trying to
be Indiana Jones on the box with Rodger:"I love you like a brother,
Kentucky Joe, but you have got to gooOOOOOOOO--SPLASH!!!!" Third time WAS
a charm, for those needing you taken down a peg or two, chef boy.

Nick gains points for telling Liz and Rodger he's sorry his immunity means
one of them is probably a goner. He really does care. Amber is more than
ready to eliminate one of Kucha, "They've come to accept our dominance and
control over their fate, O Dark One. Crushing them is a mercy they almost
don't deserve." Liz lobbies Tina to change her vote to Jerri, but Tina
reminds her (in a stunningly un-survivor-like display of candor) that it
really does suit Ogakor to get rid of all the Kucha's--that's the game.

Colby Keith and Tina struggle over the decision to oust Elisabeth. If Nick
were available it would be sooo easy. But sweet lil Elisabeth? Good ol'
Rodger? These three are having the conversation I've been anticipating for
weeks--the longer they let Jerri hang around, the closer she gets to the
money--what if she gets to the final two on immunity? They have the
numbers, they can get rid of Kucha later, but getting rid of Jerri now
would be sooo good. And right. And FAIR. And pretending to like Jerri
even a little is crushing Colboy's spirit. BUT, leaving anyone in Kucha is
a risk if they immunity their way into the final two, and Jerri next to you
at the end (contrary to her high opinion of herself) is a million dollar
check from CBS.

Tribal council, Juror Alicia looks good and ready for the cover of the
fitness video she HAS to get after her turn on Survivor. Jeff gives Jerri
just a little more rope to hang herself when he wonders if she's really
shown the real her (I am not kidding, if Jerri broke up Jeff P's marriage I
won't be at all surprised. There's a vibe between them.) Jerri tries to
erase 28 days of being a full-on hard-core hell-bitch with the vague
assurance that "this isn't really who I am. I am...whoever you want me to
be so I can win, OK? Glad we're straight on that, see ya Elisabeth!" I
think she was trying to suck up to Alicia or something, I dunno. The look
on Liz's face when Jerri was raving about her self is a classic.

Rodger lies for the first time when he tells us that Jerri is in a good
mood sometimes--that can't be true! Repent! Amber votes for Elizabeth,
with another of her editorial cartoons. A sad face--there is still good in
Amber...I can feel it! She's feeling MIGHTY good about being the Right
Hand of the Dark Maiden, though. Hee hee hee. Jerri votes for Elisabeth
too, "You are the most lovable, likable human I've ever met, and that is
why you must be destroyed." Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the most
likable Survivor of all? WHY IT'S FAIR ELISABETH YOU SEEK.


Everyone else voted for Jerri. All of em. Colby, Keith and Tina did what
I've been begging be done for weeks, though I did NOT expect it. I had
Nick pegged as next to go, figuring they would play the strategy and leave
Jerri around for contrast if nothing else, but good won out, they couldn't
do let her stay another moment. Last season I waited 16 weeks for Rich to
go and it never happened. This year, week nine, the week we lost Jenna in
season one. Amber's take was great--a little lonely are we? Actually,
she's just been promoted from Sean to Sue--it will be fascinating to see
what happens. I'm curious if Ogakor is the final four, what happens if
Amber gets immunity? Who do Colby Tina and Keith turn on? I love it!
Every thing has changed in the blink of an eye. I half expect next week to
open with the Bear Monday's dancing around the campfire with that Yub-Yub
song from Return of the Jedi playing. The Emporer is DEAD!! Celebrate the
Life!! Celebrate the Love!!

So, tomorrow, don't be surprised if you hear "Celebration" by Kool and the
Gang on the radio like thirty times, America is one happy place to be right
now--I bet the NASDAQ will even be up. My confidence is certainly up, who
needs Greenspan, Jerri's been voted off Survivor, everyone go out and buy a
steak dinner. Or a fur coat. Or a new car! The only loser: Alicia, who
might have to hang with her back at the hotel :(

Next week: CBS offers the starving cast members a couple bags of rice--but
at WHAT PRICE?? As a former CBS employee, I don't envy the suckers. If
you knew how hard I had to fight just to make $7.93 an hour when I was in
the Mailroom--oh not $8.00, what are you crazy? You think CBS Television
could afford to pay me 7 more cents an hour--do you know what that would be
in OVERTIME? 10 and a half cents an hour!! They need that money to buy
balloons for the parties they throw for themselves!!

Fortunately, I've moved on and am not the least bit bitter.

Anyway, if there's one thing CBS is good at, it's putting the screws to
desperate people. Food's gonna cost them immunity or something. Money
from the final pot. Their first born children to become the property of
Viacom, something. Jerri gets to come back and play the bongos while they
eat? *shudder* Have a great week--how could you not? Christine :D :D :D
:D :D :D