Survivor 14.8 "I throw my hands up in the air, as if to say, "What the Hell?"

REALITY ROUNDUP

Haley, aka Nikki Cox meets Kathie Lee Gifford, is finally gone, but Sanjaya continues to dodge the bottom three. Am I...wrong for hoping Chris Richardson goes before Sanjaya? He's actually less entertaining to me...

THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE TURTLE

Morning at the New Zoo Ravu--by the way, I'm saddened that I received a couple e-mails from people who don't get why I call them that. When I was a toddler, "The New Zoo Revue" was the show to watch. Call me, I can still sing the theme song! :D Anywhoo, Alex and Ed are feeling pretty safe, seeing as how they have an "alliance" wink-wink, with everyone in camp. Then, while Dreamz and Lisi sleep soundly, Alex, Ed and mookie use the information that Lisi stupidly handed over to them to dig up this camp's Immunity Turtle. They cheer silently and then creep off to make a plan. It kinda reminded me of a slumber party, where the mean girls plot against the less popular ones. This may not make sense to guys, but when you are a girl, you spend a great deal of your childhood being friends with girls you don't like and who don't like you--painful yes, but a good preparation for life, work and perhaps, SURVIVOR. Anyway, Alex (who just gets better and better looking as the show goes on) raves, "This is gonna change the game for us!" And the idea of two, count 'em, two Immunity Idols being in play at the same time, is pretty exciting. The men quickly agree not to tell Lisi and Dreamz. Ed explains, "She's unstable...she's not a smart person...she'll use it the wrong way." Waaaaay ahead of ya, Eddie. I should mention to those of you that don't watch that Edgardo has a rather heavy Puerto Rican accent, but every time I tried to recreate it, it came off to me like "That's a spicy-uh meatball!" TV-sterotype Italian. Alex fears that if they tell Dreamz, he'll wind up telling Cassandra, "He might have a flare-up of complete honesty," he worries. So the three men agree that the Idol will be shared between them, and used whenever any of them is in trouble, but alone, Mookie tells us that the Idol is in his pocket, and that it's HIS. Mookie then returns to camp and starts fussing with the disturbed ground, trying to cover his tracks, when Lisi wakes up and tells him that she too thinks the Idol is RIGHT THERE. So Mookie plays along and "helps" Lisi dig for the now-vacant Idol. Then in a priceless confessional, Lisi mocks the very IDEA of Mookie trying to find the Idol right under her nose: She smirks, "Dude, you have to get up early in the morning to fool ME." Honey, they DID.

DANCING WITH THE SURVIVORS

Tree Mail arrives in human form this time, as local Fijians arrive to teach each tribe how to perform a dance--the tribe's will square off in a dance-off! How fun and different and non-obstacley and un-puzzle piecey! Yau-man frets because he has no rythem, but Earl is confident, "I got the moves, I can pull out the Michael Jackson moves...Boo is over there doing the white-guy thing." Cut to Boo doing that angry amn kind of intense dancing that some white guys do indeed do...maybe to assert their masculinity? I dunno. At Ravu, Alex is determined that Moto win, "We've lost to a bunch of girls and old guys," he grumps. See, it's comments like these that take the handsome, intelligent and fairly decent Alex out of the Ethan-Yul-Colby level of awesome Survivor guys. He's just not quite as secure or commanding. Anyway, Lisi isn't remotely interested in this, sighing, "These guys are so in to the challenges, like, what, they're importnat or something? Who cares?" Lisi, I have to ask...have you ever watched this show?? And even if you haven't, could you consider that being allowed to perform a native Fijian war dance in flipping Fiji is a once-in-a-lifetime experience to enjoy and make the most out of? Dreamz paints his face, excited for the upcoming task and when Lisi raises her eyebrows at him he says sincerely, "We are mighty Fijian Warriors." "Whatever," she snorts. Any guesses how this is gonna go? :D

The tribes arrive at a nearby village, and the locals look eager to watch the show. Each tribe is decked out in grass skirts and face paint. "Beat It" really should be playing as the dancer-tribes chekc one another out. No one on Moto seems all that broken up over losing Rocky--Michelle even smiles a bit. The tribes are informed that they will be judged on their technical performance of the dance, their look, and their spirit, in order to win a feast with the villagers. We have to wait to find out if the passionate Dreamz can cancel out the cynical Lisi becaue Moto goes first. The beatless Yau-man sits out. The music starts, and if this Fijian jam is available for download, I want it cuz it rocks! Everything goes well for Moto, who are in sync with one another and completly committed to the dance and to each other. Earl really gets into character, looking fierce and proud. Then it's Moto's turn, and surprisingly, Lisi isn't the problem--not totally anyway. The tribe has several stumbles and doesn't seem to be connected to one another. Alex and Mookie both obviously mess up at one point. Dreamz caps it off with a backflip, but the flashy touch isn't enough to save them. The panel of chiefs confers and then praises Moto for being better organized. They give mad props to "the leader," meaning Earl, for his awesomeness. Turning to Ravu, the first Chief says, "It was just all right for me, dawgs. I mean, you did your thing, but...I just wasn't feelin' it, I dunno." The second chief smiles at Ravu and beams, "Well, green is definately your color--your make-up is great and I love your skirts. You are shining stars, don't ever forget that." The last judge shakes his head, "That was hideous. If I'm being honest, it simply wasn't good enough. D'ya know what it reminded me of? That episode of the Brady Bunch where the family tries to learn the Hula, and Alice throws her back out. And which one of you was Alice? All of you. Sorry!" Fiji voted....and Ravu is going home...Moto meanwhile pigs out on lobster and fruit and dances with the adorable kids. "It was a banquet fit for...well, me," Stacy gushes. Oh, and they Exiled Lisi again, who blabbers, "This is kinda seroius, I guess, this sucks. It sucks that I'm here, it sucks so bad that I want to quit this game because it sucks so bad!" You know what also sucks? Lisi's vocabulary.

FREAKIN' GIANT MILLIPEDES! GAH!

Seriously, why? Why the giant millipede crawling thru the eye-socket of a skull, why? Pleh. Anyway, Michelle and Earl go for their traditional morning startegy session. Earl thinks Boo is actually more likely to be on their side post-Merge, and Michelle agrees that Stacy should be voted out first. She even thinks that doing so would scare Boo into realizing he's not calling the shots. She'd like to get rid of her before the Merge, even. She tells us it's because she feels they're "carbon copies in terms of function" on the tribe, which...I mean...they're both twenty-something Asian chicks but...Stacy is a heartless yuppie snob who stopped talking to a teammate because he didn't know how to properly use a coffee press, whereas Michelle is a plucky and resourceful encourager who survived 20 days of deprivation and started a fire using her eye-glasses. Plus, she's friends with Earl and Yau-man, c'mon. Michelle, you are selling yourself short...

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Right before tree mail arrives, Dreamz decides to announce, "The Merge is coming soon, and I'd just like to take a second and remind you all that even though I've joined alliances with some of you, me and Cassandra are really, really close, and maybe you should worry about that and not trust me." Sigh, oh Dreamz and your sudden flare-ups of complete honesty, maybe there's something you can take for that. The tribes are told that there will be archery involved in their next challenge, and Edgardo decided the time has come for him to "e-step up," and boast of his archery prowess. Which, the veteran viewer knows, is a sure sign that Ed's gonna have some trouble at the competition...

The tribes gather at the Immunity Beach, and Lisi returns. Cassandra sits out for Moto. Jeff tells the gang that they will be taking part in a three-fold competition of blow darts, spear chucking and arrow shooting. Everyone will participate. Meaning, they'll go in turns, each trying to hit the target, and whoever gets closest to the bull's eye, wins that round for their team. First is blowdarts, which Boo wins for Moto. Huh, a blowhard windbag winning a blowdart contest, who'da thunk it? Because Ravu's anchorman Edgardo choked, Moto's anchor Earl doesn't even have to compete. Next is spear chucking. Everyone fails to hit the target until Dreamz manages it, barely. Then Yau-man steps up, and Mookie and Alex chuckle at the odd little man as he inspects his spear. An odd little man that's kicked their ass a couple of times already, but yes, they're still treating him like some "old dude" who can't do anything. Did they learn nothing from "The Empire Strikes Back?" Size matters not! Unlike all the previous competitios, Yau-man doesn't walk up to the foul-line and huck the spear, he geta a running start, using momentum to give the spear the speed it needs to find it's mark. Having watched Yau-man's success, you'd think Alex would process that and realize it's actually the RIGHT WAY to throw a spear, but he's too proud, I think, to do so and so he fails. I had to laugh, because the CBS website kept referring to Yau'man's "unordodox" style, but, watch the javelin throw at the Olympics--they take a running start, do they not? Anyway, the reason I went to the CBS website in the first place was, I couldn't figure out why Moto was still in the competition, what with Ravy winning the first two rounds, so I had to read their recap to remember that the blowdartt contest was worth one point, the spear was worth two, and the bow and arrow three. So on to the bow and arrow, with Ravu fighting to tiebreak. Only Michelle and Dreamz had managed to hit the target at all when Yau-man knelt (again, not some kooky crackpot archery position, but one you've seen in artistic renderings of famous battles, but the CBS website is like, Oh, that wacky Yau-man) and hit the inner ring around the bulls-eye. It comes down to the self-estyled archery expert Edgardo, and he chokes. Earl never had to do a thing, with MVP Yau-man (and, okay, Boo) gettin' it done! Oh, and before we move on, what was Lisi doing during all her team's struggles? Laughing at them. Yeah.

THERE'S NO L, I, S, OR OTHER I IN "TEAM"

Back at Ravu, the zoo is doing the old post-loss porst-mortem, prompting Lisi to declare, "These guys just can't get it together. ANd when you know you suck, you suck." You also suck when you DON'T know it, Lisi, but...nevermind. Lisi goes to Alex and tells him, "You guys are just never gonna win anything cuz you're a bunch of sucky losers, so I'm done, man, vote me out." Alex is stunned and angry because he can no longer use her mindless loyalty to him to further his own game, even though he stole the Immunity Idol out from under her and he should really recognize her as an amoral loose cannon capable of anything (or falling for anything) after the Merge. Dreamz can't contain his happiness over the news of her quitting, which prompts Lisi to decide whe wants to stay in the game. Maybe. She drags aside an irritated Edgardo and Alex and tells them, "I still want to quit, but, I don't know, maybe you should keep me around in case I want to play tomorrow...maybe. I mean, you guys could keep doing all the work, right?" Alex rants, "I throw may hands up in despair, as if to say, "What the hell!?" Then Dreamz announces to the camera that he's so confident, he's not even gonna bring his stuff, which panicked me because it's the sort of thing they'd show if Dreamz was actually gonna go (Ed and ALex really don't trust that he's with them and he will be hard to beat in one on one challenges).

TRIBAL COUNCIL

So, Rocky is brought in, and he looks a little better, thanks to being clean and mercifully, a shirt. Jeff asks Lisi what's up and she repeats, literally, almost every thing she's said to Alex and Ed over the last day or so. She has so limited a vocabulary that she just has to go to one of her stock sentences because she can't come up with a new one because thinking sucks, man. Dreamz calls Lisi on her bullcrap, telling her that she wants to quit because she's not on the team that's winning all the time anymore, and she retorts, "You suck, Dreamz. You give up in challenges all the time, man, I've seen you!" Dreamz is shocked at this ridiculous statement, as is anyone who's seen him compete and indeed excel at almost every single one. He asks her for a specific instance and she repeats, 'I've seen you," the way a seven-year-old might. Dreamz shrugs, "I'm a genie in a bottle, I grant wishes," referring to what they BOTH know, Lisi wants to go home, she just doesn't want to be labeled the quitter that she is. Jeff, whose disdain for quitters is legendary, asks Lisi if she wants to be there, and she dodges, "Sometimes I feel hope and sometimes I feel doomed and I'm emotional and I like coffee and the beach but I don't like bugs and anyway, yeah, what's up, man? That's what I'm about, that's me, yo." Dreamz laughs, "I didn't hear an answer Jeff," and when Lisi starts ducking again, he pulls the rest of the tribe, asking them if they want to stay, and they all give the one-wrd answer the question demands, ALex? "Yes." Ed? "Yes." Mookie? "Yes." Dreamz, "Yes." Lisi begins, "Like I said, I change--I'm like the wind, I...one day...I'm a....my emotions, yeah...and..." Dreamz interrupts the madness and smiles, "Jeff, I'm ready to vote." :D Lisi does get in one good line when she casts her vote for Dreamz, "You're a grown man, consider a name change." But she goes down 4-1. She hands Edgardo her straw cowboy hat. In her exit speech, she cements her place as one of the worst players ever by throwing everyone under the bus, "I know who I am--when the ships' sinking, you get off. You guys are Losers! And she does the L on the forehead, like, that's original. And yes, she did willfully, and I'm sure unknowingly align herself with RATS, who are the ones that jump off the sinking ship first. Lisi, you suck!

Lisi finishes in 11th place, where Joel was booted in Season One, for basically laughing at something tasteless that Gervase said. In the Outback, the course of the game changed drastically when Michael passed out into the fire and severely burned his hands. Once the smoke cleared and he was evacuated, his tribe realized their numbers advantage had burned up as well. In Africa, Lindsay, the foul-mouthed girl who got her ass kicked by a tree was put out of OUR misery and in the Marquesas, we said farewell to Gina who wanted to open a pancake house. In Thailand, Dumbb Robb and his skateboard slid out of the game while in the Amazon, Shawna--who was once held hostage by her tribe, finally got her wish and was sent packing. In the Pearl Islands, a woman named Trish foolishly decided to try and betray Rupert, but Christa and Sandra thwarted her plan. In Vanuatu, some punk named John K. wasn't missed and isn't remembered at 11th place, but we fondly remember Ibrehem, the hunky Muslim who had to go when Bobby Jon and Steph decided to align on the Worst Tribe Ever. In Guatemala, we were truly bummed to lose Amy, the tough and colorful cop and in Exile Island, Dan the Astronaut Man blasted out of the game. Last season, Nathan chose to stick with shifty Jonathan over loyal Rebecca, but would quickly regret turning on her.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Lisi is a self-described "underground electropunk noise artist," who actually had a 2004 hit in France--one more reason not to like the French.

Next up: Merge...? The promos make it seem slightly more sinister, bwa-ha-ha-ha!

Peace Out! Christine :D