Survivor 13.10 "I'm not gonna lose because you kids can't get your asses out of bed!"

BEFORE WE BEGIN

It's Christmas time! As a kid, I couldn't wait for Christmas, and now I sort of dread it, because I love "before Christmas" so much. As soon as it happens, then it's over, and you're as far away from Christmas as you can get. Don't get me started on the Niners losing that game to the LA ScRams of St.Louis, I'm still trying to get over it. Barry Zito has not signed anywhere yet--it's torture, because it gives me time to entertain ridiculous fantasies of his signing with the A's for one more year. OK, let's get to it...

GENERATION SNAP!

Here's a rundown of Cook Islands wildlife: whales rule, crabs rock, giant millipedes suck. So the show starts with Jonathan going out to fish while the kids sleep in at camp. While he's away, Adam jokes that they should wait until he gets back to start the fire, and have him do everything. Jonathan comes back and finds that there's no water in which to clean his fish and he gets bent, "It's like a dorm or something," he complains. He rants, "I'm not gonna lose because you kids can't get your asses out of bed!" "Shut up, fool," Nate says ABOUT him, not to him. Nate insists Jonathan's freak-out was uncalled for--the young 'uns are not knuckleheads and they all know what they're doing. Their MASSIVE losing streak says otherwise, but don't trouble Nate with the details. He's kinda clueless about stuff. Then again, so is Jonathan, who vents his frustrations to Parvati and Candice--the most unsympathetic ear in camp, who Jonathan still believes is his number one ally. He huffs and puffs further about the kids to us, "Do I have to be your dad or your boss to get you to do anything?" If you what you want them to do is vote you out, the dad/boss route is definitely a good way to go, Jonathan. Cue Opening Credits...

REWARD CHALLENGE---NOT!

At iTunes, A sore and battered Yul tells us the obvious--competing in all four members in every challenge is taking its toll, but they have no other options. They gather at the Reward beach and are shocked to discover that Raro had to vote out TWO players the night before. They're too shocked to even gloat about it--they're also probably staggered at the fact that rats Candice and Jonathan live on. Jeff takes Punchy back and says "Immunity, back up for grabs," for like, the 300th time. I'll bet you've never even said it once. Try it, its fun. Jeff points out that for a Reward, the teams must paint a new flag--yup, it's MERGE time, baby! Everyone gets stylin' pewter or brown buffs, I'm not sure which. But they're pretty cool. Adam tells us he's feeling pretty secure and in control since they still have a 5-4 margin on iTunes. Then he goes off to count some chickens that are waiting to be hatched. Jeff lets the tribes work out where they should live and Yul defers to Jonathan, Candice and Nate, who've all lived on both islands. They say Raro has more coconuts, and less rats. Aren't you glad you don't have to make major life decisions based on that sort of criteria? Then the newly formed tribe of nine boards a party yacht and everyone eats and drinks and be's merry. Nate gets his fade on, 'natch. Jonathan actually says something like, "That's not what we called it in MY day," like he's really old. Jonathan, you were born in the 60's for crying out loud, cool it with the Dad stuff. He is rightfully alarmed and irritated at Adam, Nate, and the girls, who get wasted--to the point of puking in some of their cases. A dignified and observant Yul takes it all in...

I TOO TONGA

The new tribe calls themselves Aitutonga. I miss the days when teams came up with names that weren't old names blurred into one. Remember the Pearl Islands naming themselves after Rupert's dead turtle> Or Lex's rhapsodizing about MotoMaji? Or whatever? Anyway, friendliness abounds. Nate is sure that his five is sticking together, though he allows for the possibility of using his friendship with "cool cat" Ozzy as a contingency plan should things change. A drunk Adam gets flirty and gropy with a bemused Parvati. When she reminds him of his shomance squeeze Candice, he leers, "You both can appreciate me." This Thanksgiving, I was thankful to NOT be Dumb Adam's girlfriend >:( Then he blathers, "Not only do I have to worry about being faithful, I also don't have to hurt my brain anymore with thinking because we have five people and they have four people, which is like having five apples and they have four apples and five apples is more than four apples and nothing ever, ever changes in the game of Survivor, not when one group has "numbers," so I'm going to sleep and not think ever again!" Meanwhile, Not Dumb Yul rationally decides to approach Jonathan, despite his betrayal, about joining back up with the Box Car Children, which would make him Grandfather. A bit of a reach, but that 50's Dad hat of his helps. Jonathan is skeptical--he's certain Ozzy hates him and would never trust him and he doubts Yul really trusts him either. Yul implies he MIGHT have the Idol, and that his team could use it to back-door Jonathan if he doesn't join up with them--AWESOME idea, Yul, very cutthroat! Jonathan tells us that if Yul DOES have the Idol, he might consider driving the kids batcrap crazy by flipping sides AGAIN...Yul then lets Sundra and Ozzy know that he does indeed have the Idol, and that he's planning to use it to get Jonathan to vote with them against one of the Raro kids. Ozzy is down with it, and while he still feels loyal to Yul, he too has Nate in the wings as a back-up plan. Parvati and Candice try to decide whether they should oust Ozzy or Yul tonight and Parvati shrugs, "Nate will do whatever we want." Ugh. Candice sidles up to Jonathan and tries to get him to spill about his conversations with Yul. He states the obvious: Yul is trying to woo him back over, but he doesn't admit to being REALLY REALLY interested in the idea. I loved that because stupid Survivor people always say things like, "Oh, he didn't talk about the game at all, we were just talking about fishing and stuff." A sure way to be sniffed out as a liar because all anyone does on that island is talk game. Jonathan gives away information Candice could already guess herself, without cutting off his options. He does lobby to boot Ozzy over Yul, but the girls want Yul gone...

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

I'm gonna miss Punchy, the Necklace never has the character of the Idol. It's a classic test of WILL, as the Survivor must wrap themselves around a (really high) pole for as long as they can. You gotta want it, to win it--who wants it more? Jungle Boy Ozzy grins in delight at his odds of hanging from a tree trunk longer than any of these city slickers. Adam is the first person out, probably because he's dehydrated and hung-over, plus he thinks he's a dead-bolt lock to remain in the game, so who cares? When Jeff asks Yul if he's surprised to see the muscle-bound Adam go out first, Yul muses thoughtfully about how it's harder for bigger people to support all their weight up high, "Which is why you don't see elephants climbing trees," he finishes. Everyone gets a good chuckle out of it, and Adam appreciates the excuse. Yul sighs about his nerdy reply, "I'm never gonna get a date again." Yul, should you ever be turned down again, which is highly unlikely after you become a millionaire, take my advice: take your shirt off. Jonathan is next out, then Nate and Sundra. Jeff asks Parvati about the new tribe name and she tells him, "W ejust did the same ol' same ol'; thing where you take half of our name and half of their name and pretend it means we're not divided." Jeff raves, "I LIKE it!!!" as he stares up at Parvati's bikini-clad frame. He's hungry like the wolf about her, I'm tellin' ya. Yul goes down after 51 minutes, and Parvati lasts an impressive hour and a half, as does Becky. The always tough Candice lasts 2 hours and 15 minutes before she finally falls, leaving obvious Ozzy the ultimate winner.

JONATHAN SCRAMBLES LIKE A SAND CRAB

Back at camp, everyone's all, "Gee, Candice, you're like SOOOO awesome," while grumpy grown-up Jonathan glares. The kids all decide that Yul is too smart to keep around and that he should be first to go. Elsewhere, Yul shows good faith by showing Jonathan the Immunity Idol. He tells Jonathan that he thinks he's an ideal Final Two partner because he's ticked off and, if Jonathan goes along with Yul's plan, betrayed everyone in the game. Jonathan goes back to the kids, who are all adamant about gunning for Yul. This makes Jonathan nervous since he's a nervous fella, and he's not entirely convinced that Yul hasn't set him up: the Box Car Children can still cast their four votes for him, and then he'd go when Yul busts out the Immunity Idol to save himself from the Raro votes. So Jonathan tries to cover his bases by raising the possibility that Yul has the Idol, and his votes could boomerang to one of them. This is so logical, and so "no duh," making the kids' reactions all the more awesome in their dumbness. Even when Adam and Candice admit that they don't have the Idol themselves, and they seem to believe that Jonathan doesn't either, they're confident that Yul doesn't. "He was only there for like, a DAY," Parvati scoffs, while Candice and Adam nod boredly. Jonathan picks his jaw off the floor and then goes off to scream, "It's like, they don't want to expend the mental energy to even RUN THE SCENARIO of "maybe Yul has the Idol"!!!!!!" He frets that he'll be deemed "a complete bastard!!!!" no matter what happens. Jonathan is good television, that's for sure. He's Hawk-Eye Pierce meets George Costanza. It would probably behoove him to stay aligned with the ding dongs, but I don't think he can abide listening to any of them for much longer. Then Dumb Adam tells Nate about Jonathan's concerns about Yul and Nate barks, "He can't come in here and tell us how to play the game!" Well...at least he knows how to play it, dumbasses. Jonathan lobbies Yul to oust Nate because he "owes" Adam and Candice for fighting to keep him around, which is not true at all about Candice--so Jonathan doesn't know everything.

Oh, and Candice and Adam make out.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

The jury is brought in, and Rebecca and Jenny are very smiley, ala Brad--still no hatin' in the jury box. Jeff opens up by asking if it's really a brand new tribe or if old alliances are still in play and Nate tells him honestly that he's sticking to what he's comfortable with--too bad for him that's come to mean Jonathan in recent days. Yul plays the Raro kids like the suckuhs they are when he acts all, "Gee, we iTunes people are just amazed we're still in the game! It's not like we have any real hope of beating their unbreakable alliance of five!" Then Becky brings up how close Adam and Candice are and Nate calls bullcrap, reminding her of how close SHE is with Yul. "I don't lie in his LAP," a mildly offended Becky insists. Parvati does her Betty Boop thing and chirps "Adam and Candice heart each other and they want to make babies together!" Jeff gets distracted for a few seconds, because Parvati was talking about sex...Parvati...sex...Parvati...sex, "Uh...so, Jonathan, how are...how's it going for you?" Jonathan blathers a bit about how he's had this great experience and how he's enjoyed "bonding with young people." He's a little Michael Scott too, isn't he? Anyway, tension runs high as the votes are read and Nate realizes he's the target of the four iTunes votes...wait...make that FIVE! Jonathan flips! Yul doesn't have to use the Idol! And suddenly the tables are turned! Parvati and Adam are stunned and Candice is pissed--yeah, betrayal's a real kick in the teeth, ain't in Candygirl? This is also a great move for Yul, Becky and Sundra because it removes the Nate option for Ozzy. In his exit speech, Nate tells Jonathan to kiss his ass--oh, there'll be some hatin' in that jury box now :D

Nate is eliminated in 9th place, the place formerly known as the first-juror slot. The first 9th placer was our beloved Greg of coconut phone fame. In the Outback, Alicia "I will ALWAYS wave my finger in your face" was booted while in Africa, Kelly was unfairly targeted by Lex when he wrongly assumed it was she who cast a meaningless phone for him. In the Marquesas, in one of my all-time fave Survivor moments, Johnny Pots and Pans wah-wah wah'd his way to the jury box when Neleh and Pappy flipped the tables on him and his boring alliance. In Thailand, buxom Erin was yet another uninteresting, unmemorable player to leave the show and in the Amazon, Dave the amiable "rocket scientist" was sent packing. Ryan-O, lover of pelicans flew away in the Pearl Islands and in Vanuatu, a very angry Sarge was betrayed by Twila who decided (temporarily) to side with the all-woman alliance. In Palau, Coby had an epiphany about his inner-strength, but that didn't stop him from imploding and practically begging Tom and company to vote him out instead of interloping Steph. In Guatemala good and handsome Bobby Jon said goodbye number two and last year, we lost good-guy Austin, who was quite likeable when he wasn't comparing himself to Jesus.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACTS

I wasn't able to get online to get fun facts last week! 11th place Rebecca won an Emmy for doing make-up on "The View." Sadly, putting foundation on "Elisabeth Filarski Hasselback didn't get her anywhere close to the Final Four. 10th place Jenny is a former local TV reporter in her native Chicago, and she still emcee's local events--you'd think she'd be more personable. I give her props for admitting to being a fan of "Stargate SG-!" though, you gotta let your nerd flag fly. Nate is an aspiring professional musician--he's now into hip-hop though he started playing violin at the age of 8. No surprise, he was a theater major. We will certainly miss his mouth, he's won of the most quotable Survivors of all time...

Peace Out! :D

Christine