Survivor 13.2 "I'm making a concerted effort not to shoot down all her ideas."

BEFORE WE BEGIN

Have you all heard that new Scissors Sisters song, that sounds like a lost Bee Gees track? If you exclaimed with surprised joy, "Lost Bee Gees track!?" you should really check it out. On the Amazing Race front, I don't care how brave I'm supposed to think one-footed Sarah is, she annoys me--and the dancing for money thing? Ick. Worse is her man Peter, who's controlling and weird (what kind of a straight guy calls his girlfriend "sister" all the time?) Boo Hiss, Sarah and Peter. And Peter, girls cry sometimes. Deal.

HUNTING, GATHERING, AND LAYING AROUND DOING NOTHING

At Hiki, Nathan, Stephannie, Rebecca and Sundra struggle to make fire on a windy day with their newly acquired flint. No one seems the least bit broken up about being without Sekou. Sundra still feels pressured to "represent" for all black people. Sundra, don't. Because then I'll have to start looking at dumb, lazy Adam (more on that later) as somehow representative of me by virtue of my race, and I don't want to do that. Finally, the spark catches and Hiki has fire. Nathan crows, "I knew the girls were gonna step up and be tough sisters!" Hiki bonding ensues.

At iTunes, almost everyone bonds over their massive fishing haul, as they bring home buckets of fish, crabs and clams. I say almost everyone because Billy looks sullen and depressed while JP praises the tribe's teamwork. LA cop Cristina relates to the others how she was shot in the line of duty and almost had to have her arm amputated. She wears the bullet that wounded her around her neck--yeah, she's pretty bad-ass. Everyone seems impressed with her story except for Ozzy, who we later learn doesn't really like cops. Probably because he's a shifty little bastard (more on that later). The seafood feast isn't enough for iTunes, who decide to try and capture some wild chickens. Ozzy and Cristina clash over the best way to do this, and Ozzy sniffs to the camera, "I'm making a concerted effort not to shoot down all her ideas." How thoughtful. Cristina chafes at Ozzy's insistence that everything be done exactly his way, though she admits he's usually right. When his chicken trap works, he boasts that his abundant knowledge of all things camping will keep from being booted out of the game--yes, he has probably never watched this show.
Later, a crab does a little across the screen. JP and Ozzy bring in more fish, while Billy snores in the background. Billy insists, "It's stupid to waste energy doing stuff you don't know anything about." Uh, Billy? It's called LEARNING. Look into it. He's content to eat all the food the others have worked so hard to get, without helping if he can help it. Always a successful strategy when trying to make allies. Ozzy complains, "I get tired of having to tell him what to do before I tell him he's doing it wrong. I much prefer when people do something around camp, of their own initiative, before I step in and tell them they're doing it wrong." The girls take pity on Billy and try to make him feel more included. Billy laments that he's not so much Latino as he is Metal! He's making no effort to fit in though, which is a really bad idea in a game of social politics. That night, Ozzy brings up the idea of losing the next challenge on purpose, in order to send Billy home. JP, who's gorgeous but mean, grins wickedly at the idea. The girls don't like it at all. Cecelia thinks it will make them look bad. Ozzy lamely insists it will make them a stronger tribe, which is ridiculous, especially since they might be divided into new teams soon anyway. Cristina doesn't trust Ozzy. Word.

At Puka, suburb-boy Yul (who grew up in my hometown of Concord, but went to snooty Northgate High, so I'm torn about rooting for him) is able to catch TWO chickens with a simple box trap. He and Becky make a to-the-end pact, based on mutual respect (and Korean-ness). She thinks of him as an older brothers, while he's impressed with her non-profit lawyering. Cao Boi pulls a bad wind out of Jenny, who's disappointed to learn she has a red mark like Brad had, but she's thrilled not to have a headache anymore. That night, Cao Boi runs afoul of his tribe once again when he tries to tell a racial joke, "What do you call a Vietnamese with three dogs?" The others shout him down and we never learn the punchline, which is probably just as well. Cao Boi is delighted to rile up his team, but quiet Yul is neither amused nor impressed.

At Raro, Jonathan is welcomed back from exile with joy and celebration. Parvati calls him "papa bear," which is interesting, because his voice sounds like that of a cartoon bear. He did not find the idol. Sigh. Okay, remember how last week I was down on Jonathan for being smarmy and Jessica for being dumb? Sigh. Well, now, Jessica and Jonathan are like, the only people at Raro who DO anything, so I have to root for them. Jonathan is displayed to discover that the kids have not built any kind of floor for the shelter in his absence. He tries to rally the troops into doing so now, and Adam whines, "We need to eat first, dude." Jonathan and Jessica do all the work, while Parvati and Candace pick sand or bugs or something out of one another's eyes and hair, like cheerleader monkeys. When Jessica tries to get Adam to help build the floor, he scoffs, "I think it's dumb." No, honey, that's you. Jessica points out that they haven't been able to sleep well because they've had to sleep on wet sand and Adam shrugs, "So how would sleeping above the ground change that, huh? Answer me THAT, professor floor person!" Jessica frowns, "Um...we won't be on the wet ground...anymore?" Adam then tries to enlist his partners in slack, Parvati and Candace, into being on his side, "Do you want to sleep on, like, a stupid platform?" Jessica begins, "I thought it sounded nice--" "Uh, I was talking to the hot girls, Jessica," Adam barks. Candace and Parvati take a long time to speak up, aware that Adam is dumb and wrong, but also aware that he's like, totally cute and stuff. Parvati mumbles, "I think the bamboo would be more comfortable...and they've already started it and everything." Adam sighs, "I just don't want to waste energy on a stupid platform that serves no purpose except to look all fancy and raised." America sighs in frustration at Adam's Kelsoesque dumbness. Jonathan gripes to the camera about Adam's selfishness and crabbiness, and Candice warns her snugglebuddy not to make Jonathan the enemy, "or it'll be rough."

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Tree mail arrives. Hiki does they've gotta stand and deliver, because they can't go down to three members. At iTunes, Ozzy and Cristina butt heads over Ozzy's plan to throw the challenge and oust Billy. JP brings up the rather valid point that Billy is off being a misunderstood loner instead of reading the tree mail with them, so his mind is made up. It's never a good idea to throw a challenge. You can sacrifice Billy after there's a shuffle or a merge, but RIGHT NOW, it's better to have one of the other teams have to vote out one of their own, it just IS. The only time I can think of it being a good idea is like in Africa, when the tribes had shuffled but hadn't blended, so Ethan and company three the challenge so they could get rid of Silas, the Idiot King.

THe tribes gather at the Challenge Beach, where JP seems unusually excited to see that Sekou was booted by Hiki. Don't know what that's about. The challenge is an elaborate obstacle course, of course, in which the teams must listen to Jeff tell story, then race to untie a bunch of plaques with answers on them, cross a rope bridge, then put the plaques next to the correct corresponding questions and jump on a mat. Besides Immunity, the team that finishes first will get some tarps. Each team but Hiki has to sit out a member. Billy insists he should sit out, "I'm terrible at EVERYTHING except Metal!" he moans. Cristina wants out because she wants to wash her hands of the rook-job she knows is about to take place. JP gets HIS way, and demands to sit out. Because it's not a super-physical challenge, it kinda makes sense to sit out a strong guy like JP anyway. Raro sits out Dumb Adam, also smart because Adam's dumb, and there's information retention involved, while Jenny takes the bench for Puka. Jeff reads them a story about Captain Cook's voyages. Then he tells the teams, "the information I just gave you is contained in this book, which you can look over if you feel the need to waste time and throw the challenge." "Yes!" JP and Ozzy exclaim. When iTunes is the only team to go over the material, Jeff declares it, "A huge strategy move." You don't know the half of it, Jeff. They take their sweet time at everything, while Puka is declared the winner in an extremely close finish, over a disgruntled Raro team. "iTunes is having a holiday," Jeff taunts, as evil Ozzy grins and shakes the rope bridge so that Billy falls off. Hiki exalts in their immunity, Then Jeff declares Raro a co-winner of tarps, after the matter goes to a booth review. iTunes then gets to send someone into exile, and tribe pariah Billy somehow lands the spokesman gig--maybe to shift blame on the doomed guy? They choos to send the strongest tribe's strongest member, Puka's Yul, to the lonely isle. Then something very boring, yet hugely important happens. Pay attention, this is exactly what really happens: Candice leans over to Billy and throws some sympathy his way, "I feel really bad for you guys." Billy replies, "I'm next." Candice says, "We love you," and Billy smiles, "I love you." So clearly, Candice is just being nice to the losers, no big deal, right? Well, it depends on how crazy you are. More on that later...

EXILE ISLAND

Yul arrives at Exile Island, and goes about reading his clue. Unlike Jonathan, he decides to read the entire clue, and pay attention to that whole part about the southern island disappearing. He comes up with several possible places where the Idol might be and starts digging, and eventually, Yul gets it. I like Yul so far, so it's not upsetting...yet, but I don't think I hated Terry when he got it either, that came later. I guess the problem I'm seeing with the whole thing is, the people that get sent to Exile Island are usually stronger players, and then they get the Idol and become stronger. Hopefully Yul will at least be able to keep it a secret so we can have one of those stunning, the second-highest vote-getter gets a surprise ouster situations that we were all looking forward to last season. And I hate Ozzy, and I know Yul is too moral to have any use for him, so if I'm stuck with Ozzy long term, maybe Yul can bring him down. Yes, that's thinking waaaaay too far ahead, but it comforts me.

OZZFEST OF TREACHERY

Not content to just be mean and treacherous, Ozzy and JP also have to gloat in the fact that had they NOT cheated to lose, they TOTALLY would of won, dude. UGH. Cristina concurs with my feelings of UGH! and worries about selfish and controlling Ozzy remaining in power. Doomed Billy sees a glimmer of hope as he watches Cristina bristle while Ozzy micromanages her coconut chopping. She and Billy go to fetch some water and Ozzy calls after her to make sure she remembers to wash out the pot before filling it, and to remember to put one foot in front of the other while trying to walk. Cecelia feels badly for Billy but JP laughs, "I don't, I traded in my heart for this rockin' bod ages ago. Billy doesn't have to work very hard to get her to consider flipping on Ozzy, which is good, because Billy doesn't LIKE to work hard. She approaches Cecelia and the two discuss in Spanish whether Cecelia has made an alliance with Ozzy (she says she hasn't). Ozzy is aware that Billy is hustling to stay in the game...well, maybe not HUSTLING...but...kinda sorta trying, anyway. He then has the gall to say that Billy is "going behind his back" when Ozzy's the one that started all the backstabbing! "If they wanna vote me out, that's okay. I know they're gonna suffer." UGH UGH UGH!

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Fire represents life, etc. etc. Jeff asks Billy if the tribe has a leader, and Ozzy and JP sneer when Billy says that yes, Ozzy has emerged as the tribe's "big voice," which is just silly because Ozzy IS the big voice, he's never shut up since he's gotten there about how he knows how to do everything! Ozzy and JP's contempt for Billy just smacks of schoolyard bullying at this point. Cristina lobs her grenade at Ozzy, saying, "He's not a leader, he just takes control of everything." Ozzy sighs, "I'm not a leader, I just have to tell everyone exactly how to do every little thing so it gets done right! Why is that so hard to understand?" Then he says that the tribe works great as a team and that they can all take pride in that. Jeff calls bullcrap, and wonders how he can possibly say that after their abysmal failure at the challenge, and Billy tells Jeff that the team threw the challenge in order to get him out. Jeff is appalled at the unsportsmanship and the stupidity of engineering your tribe's demise when you only have five member tribes to begin with. JP replies that he doesn't want to carry Billy anymore, and when Billy starts to tell Jeff that he fell into "a classic trap," (whatever the hell THAT'S supposed to mean), JP interrupts and shouts down Billy for trying to come off like a victim. "I'm not a victim, I'm a player," Billy pouts unconvincingly. Then he calls JP a bully. Did anyone else get a gay vibe off of JP during all this? I think Brad's gay. Not that it matters, although I don't think we've ever had two gay men on the same season, have we? In Vanuatu we had lesbians up the ying-yang, but we usually just have one, if any gay men. Interesting. Anyway, JP gets more and more agitated, while Cece tries to calm him down. Billy's coming pretty well here, while JP does seem like a belligerent bully. Ozzy is letting his lieutenant JP do all the heavy lifting, interestingly enough.

Then, Billy takes a sudden, shocking detour into Crazy Town. In what has to be one of the absolute shocking moments in Survivor HISTORY, Billy tells Jeff that it's okay if he gets kicked out. He doesn't need the million dollars. Why? Because he has found true love during this game. And I assumed he was going to profess some kind of crush on his defender, Cristina, but instead he declares that he and Candice are in love. Jeff practically falls off of his stump and even the sympathetic ladies of iTunes can't help but burst into laughter at Billy's ridiculous statement. Jeff assumes Billy is joking but quickly learns that Billy is indeed a delusional crazy stalker-in-training. He believes that the exchange he shared with Candice after the challenge, in which she offered sympathy to his entire tribe from her entire tribe, was Candice expressing romantic love for him, and he's all in. "We sort of mouthed the words I love you to one another. SO that was my prize. She was my prize," he blathers, as the Doobie Brothers "What a Fool Believes* plays in the background. JP, looking suddenly in the right for not wanting to be around Billy, gives Jeff a "You see what we're dealing with" look, while Jeff struggles to regain his composure and respect Billy's feelings. He tries to point out that Candice hasn't spend ANY time with Billy--how could she possibly have these feelings? But Billy thinks it's love at first sight. Cecelia is completly flipped out, Ozzy is his usual somber self, and JP decrees that this just illustrates how Billy is "sketchy" and "random." Cristina tells Jeff she's worried for Billy's feelings and reiterates that she doesn't approve of backstabbing, even though she knows inside that she can't possibly back Billy now. The tribe votes, and we're subjected to our second "glamour shot of a millipede" in a row. I hate millipedes. So much so, that I had a hard time driving thru Milpitas to get to 49er Training Camp this summer. Anyway, Billy goes down 4-1, and seems totally geeked out to have Jeff snuff out his torch and say "The Tribe Has Spoken." Cecelia and Cristiana exchange an interesting look, maybe it's just "What the hell was THAT all about?" I think it's highly possible they were gonna vote out Ozzy until Billy went John Hinkley on them. They did both vote the same way, so they can't be upset with each other, can they? It was a very charged look, though. JP refuses to even wave goodbye to Billy when he gives the tribe a rocker salute (even Ozzy gives a polite little wave) and Jeff sends them home. "Good luck with those trust issues," he chuckles. In his exit speech, Billy says he thinks it's kinda need that the "metal" guy got ousted by a guy named Ozzy, and he wishes he'd been on an all-Metal tribe. Sigh, I hate that I can't quibble with Ozzy's evil plan anymore--I think it's better for everyone (Candice, especially)that Billy's gone. But I still hate Ozzy most of all and am rooting for his demise! Boo Ozzy!

Billy is the only contestant in Survivor history to be voted out in 19th place. In Palau, Wanda, a woman who liked to sing songs she made up about Survivor, wasn't voted IN to a tribe, and thus finished in 19th place.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Billy is an ex-marine, who has wrestled under the name "Spanish Fly." He also plays guitar in a NYC metal band called Forsakken. It is unclear if that's pronounced "forsaken", or if it's supposed to rhyme with the 80's metal group Dokken.

Too late to speculate!

Peace out!

Christine