Survivor 6.12 Heidi gets the Heave Ho! :D

I made a vow to myself that I would get this off before The Finale and it's gonna be down to the wire--so I'll try to keep it short. Shouldn't be hard because, despite the fact the Survivor's entire camp burned to the ground...nothing much happened this week...

Morning at John le Carré find Jenna moaning to the others about her illness, "I have tonsillitis and like, when *I* get it, it's like, so much worse than when regular people get it because it's also pharyngitis, which is an inflammation of like, my pharynx AND my larynx!" Gee, doesn't it seem like it might help some one with that condition if they would just SHUT the HELL up!? She tells us, "The hardest part of the game for everyone is, like, how hard it is on ME. Plus it's like all mentally hard and stuff because I don't trust anyone. They don't have the same morality as me." Heidi, Jenna and Matt are hanging out--the Creepy Clique is back in effect since Heidi and Jenna certainly can't bring themselves to what Heidi has dubbed, with no sense of irony, "Team Crazy." Jenna explains to Rob, "I feel less betrayed by you since you helped us get rid of that annoying deaf girl. If it weren't for you, one of us wouldn't be here." Rob sees this as genuine gratitude even though they are SO trying to suck up to him. He tells them straight out, "Look, I'm voting out Heidi and then you, Jenna. I thought about teaming up with you again but then I'd be screwing over Butch and Matt and, jeez, then I'd be screwing over EVERYONE. I gotta have a couple people on the jury wiling to vote for me, right?" I think Rob's overestimating his chances to get to the Final 2, personally, and more on that later. He apparently reveals his plan to go in with Matt because Jenna says, 'I think that's a smooth move because even though Butch is like, a total moron, he's a lock to win if he's on the Final 2." Uh, because people like morons or because people respect kind, hard-working honest men who don't treat people like crap? When Rob is out of earshot, Heidi whispers to her fellow Panty Princess, "mmm, we were thankin' Rob but we's the ones who got us this far, mmmm hmmmm! I'm gonna go out fightin ah yep!" Then the girls cackle with cruelty when Rob does his Butch impression for them.

See, ol' Butch is obsessed with getting firewood, which the others find silly. He thinks you can never have to much nearby, and plus, it's something to do besides laying around and sniping about the other players. Rob laughs to the camera that he doesn't want to be on the same team as Butch, who does a goofy dance to lighten the mood. You know what? All Butch has done is catch fish, build the shelter, gather firewood, worked hard and been emotionally supportive. He doesn't whine, he doesn't get in anyone's face--and all it gets him from the Creepy Clique is behind-his-back meanness. Jenna shrugs, "Work is hard--and like, totally lame. Someone else will ALWAYS do it for you, especially if you've got big boobs and like NO FAT on your body anywhere else, like me." I hope pharyngitis is fatal.

Reward Limerick

This one will win you some wheels
And also a pretty good meal
While you are here
Your camp's toast we fear
Saving it's not part of our deal

The Survivors trot off to the Challenge, leaving a fire burning which is Standard Operating Procedure for these dopes. At the challenge, Jeff asks everyone how they're doing and makes the huge mistake of asking Jenna who replies, "I have tonsillitis and like, when *I* get it, it's like, so much worse than when regular people get it because it's also pharyngitis, which is an inflammation of like, my pharynx AND my larynx! I'm only a little lamb who's lost in the woods--what more can I do?" Jeff looks away uncomfortably and explains that to win a new Saturn Ion, they have to compete in a serious of tasks--most of them they've done before and one, a rope swing, is a sneak peak at a future challenge--well lah dee dah, a rope swing--gee, I never would have seen that coming! They have to free themselves from a cage by untying knots, do a puzzle, the rope swing, decode a message, take a trapeze ride down to the car. Matt kicks MAJOR butt and wins handily before Heidi can manage to get out of the cage, which amused me greatly. Everyone chills in Matt's A/C for a bit but when he's asked to pick a picnic pal, he goes with "alliance mate" Rob. This win does not bode well for Matt in the long run I don't think they gave away a car in a reward challenge in the first one--though I could be totally wrong on that score. But since them, the winner of the car has never won Survivor (Colby (2), Lex (3), Sean and Ted (5) ). Rob and Matt have "ever so much fun" preparing their BBQ while, unbeknownst to them, John le Carré burns to the ground. When Rob contemplates how much Butch would enjoy lighting the BBQ he does his "Butch" impression, and Matt doesn't even get it nor does he grasp why it would be funny to make fun of the absent and not eating Butch. Matt's a total nutbar, but he's not in anyway mean which is refreshing. Matt and Rob toast to being the Final 2 and Matt reveals he has the same deal in place with Butch--"I am "stoked," one might say, to have cultivated such fine relationships with both Rob and Butch. I may finally have to stab someone in the back--a move Mr. Machete has been advocating for quite some time. Easy, my sharp and shiny friend. Your time is nigh." Rob tries to be subtle, "Gee, it's great how I TOTALLY helped you to get this far, and now you're, heh heh, gonna help ME get to where I need to go." Matt seems to regard this as true, although its a dubious claim. It's worked to Rob's advantage for Matt to still be here, but Matt won immunity when he needed it, and has benefited far more from the missteps of others than by anything Rob has done.

Smokey Says: Only FOOLS can't prevent rain forest fires...

Now, about the fire. I think it was caused by the fire catching the fire shelter, not any extra wood they had--unless it collapsed onto wood they had behind the fire and THAT's what lit the fire shelter. If that's true, Butch is more at fault but in my opinion, they should always extinguish that fire when they aren't around--basic camping etiquette, HELLO. Anyway, the camp goes up like three-month-old Christmas tree, burning Butch's banner, the shelter, and most everyone's belongings. Is Rob's Magic-8 ball destroyed? Signs point to Yes. It burns out before Butch, Heidi and Jenna return to camp to find ashes and ruination. Heidi's stuff wasn't ruined, for whatever reason, and Jenna--between lamenting the demise of her clothes--can't help but passive-aggressively knife twist, "Gee, Heidi, you're like, sooo lucky. It must be so great to like, not have your stuff all burned or not have you mother dying of cancer or like, NOT have pharyngitis!" Jenna lost her "Pledge Crown" and her Zeta jacket, "Which was like, handed down to me from one bitchy sorority ho to another and like, can never be replaced, OKAY!?" I'm sorry but how much of a nimrod do you have to be to take anything you truly value on a month-long camping trip to the freaking Amazon? Heidi babbles, "MOST people aren't as moral as me, mmmm hmmmmm. They'd be glad to have their stuff but I felt bad that I wasn't sufferin' like the others, mmmm hmmmm." No, Heidi, actually most people would feel bad for the others and guilty about feeling good that their stuff wasn't burned. Matt and Rob return to camp and are shocked by the destruction they find. Most importantly, Jenna reminds them that she's lost, "precious Zeta heirlooms that have been, like, passed down for 5 or 6 years! They date back to the ancient 1990's!" A shirtless Sir Matt frowns, "Uh, I'm gonna freeze to death, bitch!" Everyone feels Butch is to blame, but they also all take great pride in not confronting him directly and instead make the accusation the Survivor way: behind his back and on camera! The men rebuild the camp the next morning while the righteously lazy Jenna and Heidi cuddle next to each other and snark. Heidi declares, "Mmm I deserve to last in this game! I work hard--I even talked to that horrible deaf girl, mmmm hmmmm. I didn't burn down the camp like that old weirdo did neither!" Jenna dumb-girl drawls, "Why should we help them if they're just gonna vote us out anyways? Like, HELLO?! I mean, sure we'll get to like, sleep in the shelter and like, totally use it but...whatever." Matt is displeased, but Mr. Machete is too busy chopping down palm fronds for the much needed shelter to slice through Jenna's skeevy skinny neck--damn its pragmatism and work ethic!

Immunity Limerick

Run through a serious of ropes
In order to maintain your hopes
If your name is Heidi
Prepare to go bye-ey
No matter how much Jenna mopes

Jeff asks why the Immunity Necklace is burned and they tell him about the fire "someone who collected far to much fire wood" probably maybe started. I wonder if that'll drive down the EBay bids? Nah, the fire just gives that damned necklace more cache. If I were to buy it I'd wear it to all jobs so that no one could ever fire me. Rob, who's clearly watched a lot of Sports Center vows they'll manage despite their loss, "It's gut check time, time for us to turn it up a notch." Since the challenge involves physical strength and athleticism, Matt wins easily although a desperate Heidi at least understands her position enough to try hard enough to place second. Afterwards, Jenna honors the spirit of Shawna by having a meltdown, and wailing, "I can't do this anymore! I hate everyone here and I can't walk and I have chest pains and everything's falling apart and I have tonsillitis and like, when *I* get it, it's like, so much worse than when regular people get it because it's also pharyngitis, which is an inflammation of like, my pharynx AND my larynx, waaaaaah, how can I enjoy my last days on national television, waaaaah!" Despite this horrible display, Heidi dutifully insists her friend is not being a big cry baby. She briefly tries to spin it to her advantage, realizing, "Mmmm, if Jenna gets voted out afore me, it helps me, mmmm hmmmm." Brilliant deduction, Sling Einstein, considering Rob has told you the vote is going against you tonight! Rob shrugs of her concern for Jenna's health, "It's only one more day and then we're getting rid of her too!" "Mmmm, but, uhm, she's really bad off, mmmm hmmmmm." "Ooooh, like what, she's gonna die?" Rob laughs. It was a nice feeling going into Tribal Council with Heidi as the frontrunner and Jenna as the red herring, I tell you what:)

Tribal Council

Deena remains the portrait of Conservative Chic while Alex and Christy wear dramatic form-fitting black. Alex is filling out again and clean-shaven and looking mighty fine, although I know too much about his cheesy personality to be placed under his spell again. He seems amused to learn of the fire, while Dave shakes his head in disbelief--probably at the idea of leaving the fire burning and untended--he's a rocket scientist, remember? Heidi glares bitterly when Butch tells Jeff he considered blaming his obsessive wood gathering for the fire, but has dismissed the notion because "there are too many variables." Jeff asks Jenna, "This has been a tough week on you--you're not feeling well, all your stuff burned down, and now it's pouring rain--how are you holding up?" Jenna smiles, "To be specific, I have tonsillitis and like, when *I* get it, it's like, so much worse than when regular people get it because it's also pharyngitis, which is an inflammation of like, my pharynx AND my larynx, plus my mom still has a brain tumor and I'm not eating enough because I haven't won a food reward because your challenges are like, totally hard, and I'm still pretty--and you know how hard THAT is." Jeff smiles, "I do, I really do. What are you looking for in terms of someone to go into the finals with?" "Um, like anyone who knows me knows I'm like totally moral so I would go with someone who's not deaf, not old and not Matt and not who's like, screwed me over." Heidi beams as Christy bristles while Jenna drones on, "I'd rather go in with someone I KNOW deserves the money and like, needs to get some ore plastic surgery--Heidi is GORGEOUS but she has kind of an overbite?--than go in with some sleazeball or psycho that I could like, TOTALLY beat." Rob's expression mimics my own as we both wonder, "Has Jenna ever WATCHED "Survivor"?" Heidi makes it even more fun when Jeff asks her if she deserves to be in the Final Two, "Mmmm. Hmmmm. I've worked real hard and everyone knows it and I'm like, the mastermind of this here Survivor, mmmm hmmmmm. These three menfolk that are left are scared to death of me, mmmm hmmmm." Alex, Matt and Rob seem very amused by this while Christy looks away in disgusted disbelief. Dave is so beside himself that he smacks his head into his hands and leaves them there, unable to look at her--he's either suicidal at the thought of her outlasting him in the game or he's contemplating which venereal disease she's infected him with.

Onto the Vote, and Heidi is ousted 3-2, with girls still holding a grudge and voting against Rob. Alex gives Christy a congratulatory smile. Rob cast his vote, saying "2 girls, divided by one brain leaves one half-wit left." Butch "the Moron" comforts a weepy Jenna--I hope at least her parents have the good sense to lecture her on what a bitch she is when they're watching this on TV, but my guess is their over-indulgence has helped make her the selfish twit she is today--Happy mother's Day ;) Heidi exits in 5th place, sharing the honor with one of "Survivor's" most famous idiots, "Dr. Sean." She also joins such noble players as Rodger and T-Bird as well as the obnoxious Sean, who couldn't shut up long enough to get Krazy Kath to side with him over Pappy and Neleh. Last year, we saw an oblivious Ted get stabbed in the back. What does this years Finale hold? You most-likely already know as you read this. I think Rob is in more trouble than he thinks. For all the talk of Jenna being next out, I think it'll be the dangerous sleeper Butch who's sent to the Jury box next--it works in the favor of Matt, Rob and Jenna to get rid of the nice older guy who hasn't hurt anyone. And Jenna knows Rob wants to keep his options open with her AND limit Matt's options to just him. But if Matt wins Final Immunity he might just take a page out of his "mentor's" playbook and go into the Finals with the supremely disliked Jenna. Rob might even admire him for it. If Rob wins he takes Jenna, despite his vow to Matt and Jenna takes Matt--just to spite Rob. My prediction: Matt wins Survivor Amazon. If Jenna wins, there will be no final review as I will have jumped from a window.

Peace! Christine :)