Survivor Outback Finale

Woo Hoo. That was great--for many reasons, the best being that Rich's
reign is over--in more ways than one.

I got my hair cut on Survivor Thursday, and as I was sitting in the chair
reading a few-weeks-old US Magazine article about "Survivor," I heard Fiona
Apple's Criminal, a song I don't think any of us will ever be able to hear without
thinking of it as "Jerri's theme." In the article, Rich revealed that the
reason we stopped seeing Elisabeth's immunity headdress was that she
volunteered it to Mark Burnett when Colby agreed to give up HIS luxury
item, the Texas flag. I thought that was really sweet. Of course, Rich
sneered at Elisabeth, saying her headdress was stupid, she was an airhead
and why did she even bother--it wasn't going to influence Colby any. Rich,
you just don't get what it means to be friends, to be selfless, to just
genuinely like somebody and do something that feels fair or right or nice.
Rich is such a jerk. And if Colby or Jeff wore a self-made immunity
headdress, I don't think he'd be that hard on them., 'nuff said.

I wondered last week how on earth CBS was going to fill the time in the two
hours with only one immunity challenge and the vote, instead of two
challenges and the vote like last year. Sadly, the first 45 minutes or so
of the three hour finale was a big bore:

"We're hungry. After tonight, one of us is done and the other two are
going to be the final two." "The weather, and the environment has been
such an ordeal." "It all comes down to these last three days." "I can't
believe I've made it this far."

Imagine Colby, Tina and Keith each saying all this 27 times each, and you
have the basic gist of the first half of the show. I dug the pan pipe
music they played, though. Tina relays how she's evolved during the game:
"I began as one of evil Jerri's toadies, but now I'm Bear Monday's queen bee."

CBS had a little arts and crafts time, having the remaining three make
idols to offer to the river. I was stunned that Martha Stewart didn't
teach us how to make OUR OWN Survivor tiki sacrifices to the land on Friday
morning's early show. I didn't see how tossing in something you just made
was any great offering to THE LAND. Personally, all I saw them contribute
was some litter by throwing those things in, but that's probably just that
pesky eurocentric worldview of mine acting up.

We're just so much more savvy than CBS gave us credit for. We know it's
been a long haul--it's also been a *great* show, and spending almost a
third of the special with boooooooring dialogue about what we've already
seen over the last 13 weeks was not a fitting tribute to the show. It was
a waste of time and an insult to those of us who've been watching, and, if
it was meant to inform those who only watched the finale, I think they
probably thought the show was boring and that they hadn't missed anything.
They should have shown more clips of the shocking votes, the rice rescue,
etc., or had the last hour include two immunity challenges like last year.

Keith was still in his combat fantasy, wearing hat with writing scrawled
on the inside, just like the GI's did on their helmets in Viet Nam. He
ACTUALLY said, I am not being cute, "One of us saw the sunset for the very
last time." Er...they aren't gonna kill anyone, Keith. Keith makes
peanut butter and rice cakes and tells Colby and Tina they come "from the
bottom of this chef's heart." Keith is a chef? Wow, how'd I miss that?

Then comes the walk to tribal council, as they walk past the graves of the
slain Survivors, as Keith would have us believe. We get a little montage
for each departed player, and they may as well have
been playing "The Way We Were." I liked how they encountered Jeff sitting
there like Buddha on the mountaintop. "Now, young grasshoppers, to achieve
enlightenment, toss your totems into the water below." That better be
biodegradable paint on those things, CBS.

Keith maintains that he's thrilled to have made it this far and that he's
fairly certain he won't make it into the final two. Immunity is his only
shot. He probably caught how underwhelmed Tina and Colby were at his
outback peanut roundies. Colby expressed regret at not enjoying the
outback more, and Tina admitted at being too independent, practically
calling herself a lousy mother on national TV.

CBS promo: "Don't miss the "Walker: Texas Ranger" you never thought you'd
see!" Gee, that could be any one of them.

Jeff enters Keithland by referring to their totem walk as a "rite of
passage." The final immunity challenge is the "Let's see how well you know
your fellow survivors" quiz. I didn't expect them to do this one as the
last game, so it was pretty cool. Last year, Kelly destroyed the
competition in this game. She got almost e very question right, if I
recall.
Conversely, Sue, Rudy and Rich did terribly and sat there with open
contempt for the challenge, their fellow contestants, and the very idea
that they would give a crap about any of them.

I thought Jeff let Keith get off too easy when he let him by with "Critten"
as Rodger's hometown instead of "Crittenden." But props to him for burning
Keith when he wrote Elisabeth's alma mater as "Boston U" instead of the
correct "Boston College." Critten would have gotten Keith a wrong answer
buzzer on any legitimate game show though--it's a WRONG ANSWER. Colby
wins immunity AGAIN. For all the talk about his physical prowess, Colby
has done great on all the mental challenges as well.

Colby votes out KEITH!! WooooooooooHoooooooooooo. I was beside myself
with joy. I thought Colby did the right thing, and eliminated the
least-worthy contestant. I didn't know the full story of course.

It turns out, Tina and Colby had agreed a long, long time ago to go in with
one another. It was always their goal. While I sat here assuming that
both of them would pick Keith because both were trying to emulate Hatch, I
didn't consider that they had a true bond--not the false bond that Rich
managed to con his way into with Kelly, Sue and Rudy--but a genuine
friendship. Keith never stood a chance without immunity. Richard Hatch is
no authority on ANYTHING, even "Survivor."

Colby and Tina are elated on their way back to camp. They are thrilled to
be without Keith, happily tending the fire without his constant input.
They reveal that they had tried to bring Rodger along instead of Keith but
it wouldn't work--Keith was the only one they could really use. He wasn't
the sharpest tool in the drawer, he was the only one. They laugh with glee
to have him gone. They talk about how they dragged him along this far, but
how glad they are that he won't win the million. It was kind of harsh, and
I loved that on the morning show,
when Bryant Gumbel asked Tina about it, she said 'They were all truths."
Let's face it, the reason most of us never say bad or hurtful or negative
things about our co-workers, friends or even our families is that most of
never go on national television. I was glad she owned everything they said
over there.

It was fun to share in Colby and Tina's happiness, as getting to the final
two was something they did together, unlike last year, when you had the
awkward animosity between Kelly and Rich, as they angrily destroyed the
camp
etc. Colby brings out his "Sometimes you wear the white hat, sometimes you
wear the black hat" analogy that he brought out in the first couple
episodes. I think he's right, I think that he and Tina both managed to be
mostly good and fair and honest. I don't think you can win Survivor
without lying, withholding and turning on some people--without changing
your mind
about people, even. It is a game, and if you go over there and say 'I'm
voting
for you tonight." You'll probably go home. It doesn't make you a bad
person in real life.

Colby and Tina thanked each other for getting them to the last two,
something Kelly and Rich never did. Rich has never said "Lucky for me,
Rudy and Sue were a lot more loyal to me than I was to them." He wants us
to believe he was the master manipulator and that alone got him the million
dollars--in fact, I don't think he realizes that people can get ahead in
the world without being like him.

The jury contemplates what questions they're going to ask of Tina and Colby
before the vote. Keith rambles on and on about what it takes to be there
at the end; like a professor who you realize early on in the semester you
can tune out during lectures to do work from other classes. "He just
repeats himself, everything we need to know is in the outline." Jerri vows
revenge, "They thought their silly totems would appease me, but now they
must face my VENGEANCE!!

The
problem is Jerri, you only have one vote, and both of them stabbed you in
the back. Sounds kinda lose-lose to me, loser. Elisabeth is surprised and
impressed with Colby's decision not to take Keith in for the easy win. She
makes the good observation that it will be hard for either contestant to
justify winning to a group of people who all feel *they* should be up there
instead.

I never did say who I thought would win between the two, and I don't know
if I could without being out there and experiencing a subtle difference
for myself. To me, both played well, both had equal amounts of good
behavior and bad. I may have leaned toward Tina because she's a woman,
I'll own that, unless I got a real strong vibe off her that I got through
the screen. She seemed to be more in charge of deciding who would go and
that might have irritated me from her, because she seemed more
self-righteous about who was leaving and why. I still don't know.

Keith shaved and looked scary. Just freaky. Like Paul McCartney on the
front of my TV Guide scary.

Opening statements. Tina gives sort of a bizarre lecture, telling everyone
not to take your
hurt feelings into account when voting---that might have irritated ME
enough
to vote for Colby, I dunno. Colby tries to come off like an underdog by
calling himself a "jack-of-all trades and master of done" but c'mon, Colby,
you mastered them all, we saw.

The questions from the jury were a zillion times more challenging and
thoughtful than last years group, and no one gives an embarrassing (though
forever memorable) vulture speech like Psycho Psue, or asks the group to
pick a number like weirdo Greg.

Rodger asks if they played as ethically as they could, and asks for moments
in which they lied. Tina shrewdly recalls how she lied to Amber about her
ouster by saying, "Amber was always the one asking us, "who are we voting
out this time?" Reminding Amber and everyone else that this was the game,
and at one point or another, everyone conspired against somebody (Liz, Mike
and Rodger conspired against Jeffy Jeff early on, even). Colby
owns up to his blatant lie to Jerri that he and Amber and Jerri would be
the final three, but doesn't apologize for it.

Amber asks what got them this far and what they'd do with the money. Both
cite taking care of their families. Colby also wants a Harley Davidson.
Liz asks them to pick two people from the jury who they would exclude
winning the money at all costs, and tells them they can't explain their
answers. Tina picks evil Jerri and righteous Rodger--she knows he's
financially well-off because he told her he was when he took a dive for
Bessy. Colby has Tina's back the whole way on this one--rather than
sucking up to Jerri by excluding her at this point, he also picks
Jerri--and
Keith. I couldn't agree more.

Keith naturally has to give a speech about what it takes to get as far as
they all did, and naturally, it isn't very
interesting. He asks them to name an instance when they manipulated the
game, and both of them, masterfully, use the example of when they changed
the whole course of the game by keeping KEITH around and losing Mitch.
Brilliant. "Keeping you around, chef-boy, that's one way we manipulated
the game--do you have a problem with that?"

Alicia gives both players props for making the final two. She wants to
know what they are most and least proud of. Tina says she's least proud of
having to vote them all out (genius) and most proud of stepping off the
pole
to give Keith immunity (which benefited her just as much as it did him,
remember). Colby recalls winning the water bucket challenge
by building that great fire--he was in last place and wound up winning.
He's least proud of not honoring the land---man they must've hypnotized
Colby with that totem, it's all he's been talking about ever since.

Nick reminds them how lucky they were that Mike was burned. Otherwise, it
would have likely been Kucha members here at the end. Who do they think
would be the last two? Colby and Tina both wave the bloody shirt and
praise the departed Michael as the most likely to have made the final two
(remember, at this point, at tribal council, none of them have seen him and
don't know how he's recovering). Colby also guesses Nick, which I laughed
at loud at, and Tina ducks the question, saying she didn't spend enough
time with all of them to know who was any good before she got rid of
them--hey, say "Alicia" say "Liz" whatever! No wonder Tina didn't get
Nick's vote. Didn't even try to answer his question.

Jerri reminds them that they both betrayed her and wonders what they what
to clear their conscience of. Tina BRILLIANTLY replies, "When *someone*
accused Kel of eating beef jerky and *this certain someone* said "check his
bag for food wrappers, and I did." In other words, Tina says, "I wish I
hadn't done what YOU told me to do, Jerri, and accused an innocent man of
cheating." How dare Jerri ask anyone to clear their conscience and kudos
to Tina for giving Jerri the answer she deserved. The look on her face,
that tight "f@#* you" smile of hers, was classic. Colby essentially
apologizes to Rodger and Liz for keeping Keith longer than he kept them,
and to Alicia. He says it was shallow to vote her off because she was so
strong.

Tina uses backgammon as an analogy for her strategy in getting rid of each
of them. It wasn't personal, its just how you play to win. That was cool.
Tina wins with "best luxury item" and it was also a non-clichй. If she
had brought a chess board, the analogies would be so tired.

Finally we see four of the votes. Rodger votes for Colby, saying he
thought Colby played a little harder. Alicia votes for Tina, calling her a
great woman and a brilliant strategist. Amber and Jerri VOTED FOR
DIFFERENT PEOPLE. I am so glad no one took me up on my bet last week! :D
Amber votes for Colby, saying "he was more honest with me." Colby didn't
cast a vote for her when she was axed, is what that was about. Jerri votes
for Tina, saying that Tina was the master manipulator. She claims that
however Tina managed to get Colby to take her in instead of Keith, it was
her most brilliant move. We don't see the other three votes--they'll be
revealed months (moments for us) later in Los Angeles. Jeff gets in a
helicopter and flies away.

Then was see the Helicopter coming in from the pacific over the Santa
Monica pier, with its amusement park. For those of you not aware of the
geography, contrary to what they showed us, one does not pass Downtown LA
on their way from Santa Monica to CBS Television City. Downtown is east of
TV City.

I loved the recreation of tribal council on the set, though. Everyone's
wearing the same clothes (or close facsimile) as they had worn before, but
everyone looks clean and well-fed. Especially Colby, yee-haw. That is one
good-looking man. Keith has re-dyed his hair.

In the end, Colby gets one more vote: Nick, but Tina shores up Elisabeth
and Keith. Tina wins in a 4-3 victory. Colby celebrates on behalf of his
friend, as I sincerely believe Tina would have for him.

After that, we had an hour with Bryant Gumbel interviewing everyone.
Everyone was in good spirits. I thought Keith was very good-natured about
the accurate, but still hurtful things Colby and Tina said about him after
they'd voted him off. Everyone was witty and fun and I look forward to
watching them on Hollywood Squares and whatnot. I just really like them.

The press reaction to "Survivor" is always a little annoying to me. They
throw around this phrase "15 minutes of fame"," as though Survivor
contestants are somehow unworthy of fame--as opposed to who, actors? Game
show hosts? I mean, people get famous for all kinds of reasons, and I
think spending 13 weeks on the most successful show in the country is just
as valid a way to fame as turning letters on the Wheel of Fortune, you
know? It's not like there's a class or a credential you need to have
before you are worthy of being famous in America. You can't tell me that
Jenna Lewis is less qualified than Melissa Rivers to stand on a red carpet
and ask "Who are you wearing?" So go, Survivors, go! Be famous for as
long as you want.

My final thought is about the money. I'm gonna get a little preachy here.
A Million Dollars. Colby is already being called an idiot for not breaking
his word to Tina and taking Keith in with him. But, see, the difference
between Colby and Rich is Colby's word means something to him. He and Tina
agreed to bring the other with them. It's that simple. Neither was going
to take a $900,000 paycheck for being a chicken and a liar and a jerk and
going with Keith.

There's something just...insufferable to me about watching Bryant Gumbel
and Letterman and--you know what? In Los Angeles, even my local
newscasters are probably millionaires! Watching them shake their heads in
amazement at Colby being happy with $100,000 and his integrity is so
annoying. On "Craig Kilborn" Thursday night, Ben Stein (who's game show I
work on, most of you know) maintained that a million dollars isn't even
that much money. He ACTUALLY said, that after taxes and whatnot, the
winner is *ONLY* going to get about $20,000 a year which, "even for the
most frugal person, is not really enough to live on." Uh, it is for those
of us who aren't hysterical lunatic showbiz prima donnas like you, Ben. Ay
Carumba! I'd live a little better if CBS paid off my VISA card, which is
substantially less than a million or even twenty thousand dollars.

People get a million dollars for all sorts of things in America too. It
doesn't make them happy. I mean, look at Robert Downey, Jr. Here is' a
guy that would be a lot better off with some inner peace and his integrity.
He doesn't seem to have either--but I'm certain the producers of "Ally
McBeal" gave him a million dollars or two. So, my hat is off to Colby and
HIS proverbial "white hat." He's a (really, really) good-looking,
personable guy, and he's surely going to get some endorsement money out of
all this--maybe even a million dollars! And he didn't have to be Richard
Hatch to get it. Tina got the million dollars by being competitive. Did
she lie a little? Sure. But she never told Keith or Liz or anyone but
Colby that "In the end, you and I are the final two." Rich told that lie
to Rudy, Sue...and he even dangled it in front of Sean.

So, Yay! Yay Survivor. Yay to Tina, Colby, Keith, Rodger, Elisabeth--all
of this year's Survivor cast--even you Jerri. It was exciting, and fun and
magnificent television.

Next Fall: Africa! I can't hardly wait :D Christine