Survivor 15.3 "Four hours of Barnes and Noble, I feel like Crocodile Dundee out here!"

MISCELLANEOUS

I'm curious to know if any of you have found new shows. I lost Gilmore Girls and Veronica Mars, and Lost isn't coming back until what, February? So I thought I'd fill in the gaps, but eh, not so much. So far, I like the new sitcom "Aliens in America," about the uber-dweeb who winds up with a Pakistani exchange student who's only slightly less popular than he is at his high school. I also like "Reaper," about the guy who has to send escaped fugitives back to Hell because his parents sold his soul to the Devil before he was born. Both shows are witty and sweet, mostly at the right times. It does worry me that both shows are on the CW, the network that gave up on Veronica Mars, however. I tried "Pushing Daisies" and just couldn't handle it--the cloying narration alone was just to annoying to stand. Just too precious for me, I guess. I also gave up on "Chuck," which I think is actually probably a good show, I just *shrug* didn't care. Plus, I'm sorry, the lead guy, Zachary Levi is really hunky and totally charming, and all the nerdy dialogue and pocket protectors in the world can't hide that. It's like in the movies where no one notices the hot chick is hot because she's wearing glasses. I mean, really. The one I really hated was NBC's attempt to reboot "Bionic Woman." Man it was terrible. The thing is, even though the 70's version was campy, Lindsay Wagner was very likable and a very good actress (she actually won the Emmy for the role), while the girl they have doing this one is just very scowly and lightweight. Everyone kept saying it was "darker" than the original, I just thought it was way more pretentious, with everything all blue and rainy, and all those utterly unlikable supporting characters? My favorite part was, after Jamie is in the devastating accident that requires her to be made bionic, she's away from her bratty sister who she's allegedly RESPONSIBLE for, for like, weeks? Months? And the government gives the sister some story about her going off to ski with her mad-scientist boyfriend and than Jamie comes back and the sister is like, "You don't even SKI! You're a LIAR!" And I'm like, so this government agency has minds that can replace a person's body parts with super-superior body parts...but they can't think of a plausible alibi? No one bothered to find out if Jamie's ever been skiing? They couldn't just say she ran off to Paris with the mad-scientist boyfriend? Oy. The little things count. Alright, enough about that, onto the review...

CREEPS AND CRABS

We start off at Hidden Dragon, where Jean-Robert is snoring and cuddling up to a very unthrilled Leslie. Apparently, JR is always rubbing up on the ladies at night, and they don't like it one bit. James (I think it was James) bellows at James to stop hugging the girls because he's scaring them, but JR insists he doesn't care if it seems creepy, he needs to be snuggling the ladies to keep warm. Courtney points out that she's too skinny to keep herself warm, let alone anyone else, so what's he talking about? And notice, he ain't snuggling Denise the lunchlady with the mullet (who seems to have vanished into the tribe--what's she about? Who are her allies? We have no idea). In the real world, it would be sexual harassment, at the very least, but it's TV, so it's...not. I guess? It's interesting that this is just a footnote in this episode, when Thailand's Ted and Ghandia got into a monster blow-out over HIS nocturnal snuggling ("grinding" is the word you've tried all these years to forget), that led directly to HER ouster. Maybe that's why the women aren't raising too big of a fuss--they know how the world works?

The next day, James and Amanda find one measly crab in the trap they won, so they bring it back and James and the girls are all about turning the crab into a stock that they can put in to flavor their rice, and Aaron gets all whiny about how that's gonna be like, NO extra calories, and totally pointless, waaah. James gets his way and later laments his tribe's lameness, "I’m the only one that actually went and read a survival handbook...four hours of Barnes and Noble, I feel like Crocodile Dundee out here!"

ALL HAIL ZOOLANDER SCHRUTE!

Meanwhile, at Crouching Tiger, Dave has learned nothing from his previous massive bonk at the last challenge, due to his obsessive fire-pit masoning. Dave is like those old Army commercials--he does more before 6am than the rest of his tribe does all day. Which would be admirable, if he wasn't such an ass about it. When Peih Gee suggests he take it easy so he doesn't tire himself out, he yells back in his bitchy, grating "I-hate-you-with-a-smile" tone, "I've heard you and as usual I've chosen to dismiss you, sweetheart!" Then he tells us (and he's QUITE certain we're all on his side, and ever so impressed with how he's managed to deal with all these lesser beings) "It's a BALANCE!!!! The camp has to be BALANCED! It's not rocket science!!" Well, you're the dude that blew the last challenge, because you had no energy because you moved all those rocks and wouldn't let Jaime make the baby fire so you all could eat something, sweetheart. That ain't rocket science either. Then he "tries" to take a nap while the others try to come up with--I kid you not--a way to heat a pot on the stove, and the mere idea of this decision being made without him is simply TOO MUCH! He bolts out of bed, grabs a stick to balance the pot JUST SO over the fire and when the others are all, "Dude, we couldn've done that without you," He sneers, "I told you before, it's just a lot quicker if you let me do EVERY LITTLE THING around here in the only POSSIBLE way it could ever be done right, instead of wasting time trying to do things by your pathetic little selves, okay?" And he stomps off in dramatic fashion, flinging his imaginary cape behind him. Frosti tells us he's beginning to regret keeping him around instead of Ashley, and wonders why Dave can't just chill out and be grateful they didn't kick his ass to the curb last night? Well Frosti, it's because Dave doesn't think he was that close to leaving. In fact, he took your ouster of Ashley as an absolute vindication--a mandate, in fact, for his will to be carried out in all things from here on out. Enjoy your stay in China! :D

REWARD CHALLENGE

Jeff reveals that the winners of today's challenge will win a set of assorted Pier One-ish throw pillows, some blankets, kerosene, a lantern,some rope and a much-coveted tarp. In order to win it, they must win a brutal 3 on 3 wrestling match, in which people are thrown into the water until there's only one man standing, and that person's tribe gets a point. The Dragon's do their usual "let's sit out little Courtney and wee Todd," and they seem kinda bummed about it. As usual, the challenge would seem to favor the team with James, The Incredible Hulk on it, but wait! It's guys on guys, girls on girls, which proves all the difference, as the women of Crouching Tiger win each of their matches with the women of Hidden Dragon, even though James and the Dragon's win all of THEIR contests--because the challenge started with women, they get to three wins faster. It's one of those, ya had to be there deals in terms of who did what (it was extremely brutal), but it is worth mentioning that Dave took off all his clothes, and competed in the buff. I don't know if he thought it would intimidate the guys, or squick them out, or maybe he thought not having clothes on would make it harder to be grabbed (!) or whatever, but it didn't accomplish anything, except make him come off as even more of an aggressive creep than I thought he was, and I didn't know that was possible: way to keep me on my toes, Dave! The Tigers get to take a hostage and they choose Leslie, which pleases Todd because he knows she's gonna get to give the clue to somebody, probably Jaime, which keeps the number of people who know about the Idol to a very manageable three...

TALKING OUT OF SCHOOL

Leslie is thrilled to be at the happy, friendly Tiger tribe--lucky for her, she got there post Ashley. Dave even promises to keep his pants on, which brings joy to all. The boys then "entertain" by doing dives into the river, while the girls get to know their new captive. Leslie is thrilled to find out that Sherea, Erik and Jaime are all Christians and gushes, "I'm here to share the love of Christ with people, whether they like it or not, and even though these guys aren't as obnoxious about their faith as I am, it's still great to be amongst people who aren't utterly freaked out by me!" Poor Leslie--I feel bad ragging on her because as a Christian I know A LOT of Leslie's, and I know she means well, but I don't know how many people you can lead to Christ by being a monumental drag about it. As much as she says she's there to "love people," I think the way she presents it, by making sure everyone knows she's on some sort of "mission," makes it seem to people that there's strings attached. Anyway, Leslie's lips get loosened by all this new-found acceptance, and pretty soon she's dishing about her tribe's "strong personalities." When Jaime mentions how controlling she thought Aaron was, Leslie tries to defend him by saying he acts like a leader because they elected him leader but when asked why they elected him she's all, "Well, he kinda just took over anyway, so we just made it official... Heh." Later, she goes all quid pro quo on us, as we would expect, and gives the Immunity Clue to Jaime, and once again, CBS informs us that the Idol is part of the Chinese symbol that's in the archway each tribe has, but Jaime doesn't know that yet.

Maybe the good vibes keep Leslie from noticing that her ears are burning, but back at Hidden Dragon, James and Jean-Robert are doing some serious trash-talking, at her expense. Jeeringly referring to her as "Sister Christian," they speculate that she's probably next to go. James, who Leslie was quite kind to when he was allegedly nervous about fitting in, scoffs at her faith and warns Jean-Robert that people who pray the most, sin the most. And he probably has a point, as he's kinda echoing the trite sentiment of the classic Christian bumper sticker, "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven" which I've always thought sounded more snotty than humble. James and JR go on to rag on Courtney AND Todd, unaware of the fact that Todd and Courtney can hear every word their saying, and they really get an earful. When James says Courtney's a hard worker around camp, JR decides James is interested in Courtney, and even though James denies this, Jean-Robert can't stop himself from leering, "Hey, the only thing better than a million dollars is a million dollars and some ass." Yes, he DID say that at 8pm, 7 Central. Family hour my ass, er, patootie. Courtney chuckles that she won't be letting either of the men snuggle with her in the shelter, but Todd is furious and outraged, and vows to send both men home as soon as...well, as soon as he's done with them. He ain't stupid...

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Leslie is returned to the Dragon's, who all look a little uneasy when she raves to Jeff about how much fun they had and how much they "talked." Jeff reminds them that they sat out Todd and Courtney last time so they can't do it again, so they sit out Leslie and Denise. It's interesting to me that Jeff points out who sat out last time because I know they've messed this up before, and let people sit out twice in a row, I KNOW it. Gah! Anyway, the challenge requires four people to take turns trying to chop thru seven ropes to release a...heavy sigh...sack of puzzle pieces. I don't know why that phrase annoys me, but it does. Anyway, it's actually a heavy sack full of heavy metal "coins", and once all four sacks are cut down, the remaining two people must stack the discs just so on a big pole and then drag the very heavy item across a field to the finish line. It's actually a nice little twist because you have to make one of your muscle people use their brains in regards to the puzzle, rather than loading up the muscle for the chopping and then having two weaklings do the puzzle.

The Dragon's figure that skeletal Courtney is their weakest link, so they put her up top so the stronger members can just pick up her slack. They have no idea how weak she is. At first, and for a very long time, she seems completely unable to use the machete to cut the ropes, which seriously makes you wonder, how she manages to walk from camp to the challenges, if she's SO weak. I mean, it's one thing to not be very good with a blade, I mean, I'm sure I'd suck at it, at first, but seriously, all four of the Tigers each cut their seven ropes before she even slices ONE. And every time a contestant sliced though their last rope, Survivor did this freeze frame of them doing it that was equal parts Awesome and Cheesy, I kid you not. Courtney is just too frail, and she keeps whining, 'How are they DOING it?" And really, you think she's try to rub the rope with the blade if the chopping was beyond her. Anyway, Jeff is furious--I love when Jeff gets all indignant that someone is deserving of "Survivor" and it's ancient 7-year-old customs. He keeps bellowing, "DON'T QUIT! DON'T GIVE UP!!" And too her credit, I guess, Courtney doesn't give up and does, eventually cut through her ropes, allowing the others on her team to try and catch up, and the remarkable thing is, they almost DO! I dunno if it was an especially hard puzzle, or if Dave and Sherea just suck, but Todd and Jean-Robert look for a second like they are gonna get that puzzle done first...but they don't, and the Tigers win their first Immunity!

HONESTY IS NOT THE BEST POLICY IF YOU WANT TO BE ON SURVIVOR

Back at the Dragon's lair, Courtney is in serious pain from the challenge and fretting about being ousted. Jean-Robert is convinced one of the weak women should go, namely Leslie or Courtney. Leslie shoots to the top of the list in many minds when she starts raving about her time with the other tribe, "Well it is SO much friendlier over there, and there's several other Christians over there so I felt WAY more comfortable with them, and gosh, I told them all sorts of things, like how Aaron is always bossing us around and stuff and how I'm in a secret alliance with Todd, and whatnot." When Aaron flips out, Leslie is quick to correct herself, and insists that the Tigers already knew Aaron was in charge because of Jaime, and how Aaron is always bossing them around at Challenges, but the damage is already done. Honestly, Leslie, why'd you have to be so honest? I mean, here's the thing, this was NOT a moral kind of honesty, like keeping your word. This was Leslie choosing the wrong way and time to try and passively air her grievances about how she's been treated. Or as Aaron puts it, "...her heart overcomes her brain." By the way, I've decided to stop calling Aaron "Hot Aaron" because he's shaping up to be a massive tool. But he's right to fear that Leslie feels closer to the other tribe than she does her own, and therefore correct in seeing her as a threat down the road.

Elsewhere, Courtney and Leslie try to get Todd to lobby the rest of the tribe to dump the "unpleasant" Jean-Robert. When Amanda privately (remember Amanda? Yeah, I didn't either)balks at keeping weakling Courtney, Todd talks up the advantages of being in an alliance down the road with someone who's pretty much gonna be incapable of winning individual Immunity, but Amanda thinks it's too early to lose Jean-Robert's bulk. Aaron is equally resistant, and tells Todd that Leslie's going because he doesn't want to be a target after the Merge. Dude, you're athletic, you're a target, frickin' deal with it. Todd is starting to worry about his OWN chances of winning individual Immunity later on against the likes of James, Aaron and JR, "I can't compete against all these huge guys!" Take heart, Todd--there will always be puzzles...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff has to tell the new-to-Tribal Dragon's about what fire represents. Jeff points out their two game losing streak and Jean-Robert says, with his usual tact, "We have the three strongest guys and the two weakest girls." Courtney then starts crying about how the tribe is always trying to come up with ways to minimize her, Leslie and Todd's contribution in challenges, and how hurtful it is. This somehow manages to move Jean-Robert, who then says he didn't mean to say that they were weak, which, as Jeff points out, is actually EXACTLY what he said. "I'm keeping it real," is JR's nonsensical reply. Then, Leslie seals her fate by pointing out, accurately, that the Tigers are a (barely)more unified tribe, and that they won the last two challenges on heart as opposed to physical strength. It's ABSOLUTELY true, but you can tell that it just rings of disloyalty to Aaron and James and that she's toast. When Jeff asks Jean-Robert if HE feels he's on the hot seat (which should ALWAYS be a tip-off that Jeff has seen something in the dailies, ALWAYS) Jean-Robert admits he is a little worried because of his rocky start. But he only gets Courtney and Leslie's votes. The rest go to Leslie, and Courtney is tearful at Leslie's departure. Aaron cast his vote and calls her "Mom," adding, "All your children in China are grown up." Being perceived as "parental" in any way is rarely a recipe for success on Survivor, and Lord knows younger contestants have often had silly reactions to the older crowd(Like when Australia's Jerri assumed the other tribe's health emergency had to be related to the "aged" Rodger, who was a very fit 50-something). But 30-year-old Aaron calling 38-year-old Leslie "Mom," is a bit much. "Big sister," maybe. But now that I think about it, I find it hard to really accept that Leslie is a mere two years older than ME. She seems WAY older, and honestly, I think it's because she's been too aggressive about her beliefs and her, well, for lack of a better word...mothering. In her exit, Leslie says she has no idea why her tribemates voted her out, but she knows that God wouldn't let her stay beyond when He wanted her to. I think Leslie and I have a very different view of Free Will (and God's interest in who wins Survivor). Leslie, if you'd just kept quiet about how much you liked the other team, Courtney would be going home and you'd live to fight another day. Don't be blaming God for your big mouth.

Leslie is booted out in 14th place. In season one, Stacey sued the show after her ouster, saying Mark Burnett told contestants to keep ol' Rudy around. I think she lost, but Mark Burnett doesn't hang around the set anymore. In the Outback, Tina sold out her pal Mad Dog on the way to winning the million. The Generation Gap was in it's fullest effect in Africa when the Lazy Necklace alliance got rid of Carl because he was over 40 and had, like, a car and a career and stuff. My beloved, imaginary husband Hunter was cut down far too soon by Evil Chachi and company in the Marquesas, and in dreadful Thailand, dreadfully boring Jed the dentist was extracted in 14th place. Whiny Daniel exited the Amazon here and we really thought we'd seen the last of the insufferable crybaby martyr lady boy scout Lillian in the Pearl Islands, and I've never REALLY recovered from them letting her back in so she could betray Rupert and almost win the damn thing. In Vanuatu, yet another young dude was cut loose by the "older, fatter dudes," this time FBI agent Brady, who didn't clear his appearance with the feds and is probably in Greenland or something. On Palau, Willard the cranky lawyer claimed to be Willard the cranky Postman but that didn't save him from wearing out his welcome. In Guatemala, "Golden Boy" Blake rose to smart Brian's bait and jabbered his way into Survivor oblivion and in Exile Island, "rocket scientist" Misty found out that flirting won't get you everywhere. Cristina the abrasive lady cop found her game arrested at 14 in the Cook Islands and last season, crafty Rita was voted off, in large part because she talked loudly about really stupid and boring things. So I guess, not so crafty.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Well, everyone knows that Leslie is a Christian Radio Host--she also teaches fitness classes and applied to be on Survivor 10 times before she was finally accepted. Believe it or not, she lists "Dumb and Dumber" as one of her all-time favorite movies--something she could've mentioned in camp to, you know, be down with the "kids."

Next week: More yelling, and based on the commercial I saw on Sunday, a double eviction ceremony! Predictions? Dave and Jean-Robert, though that's probably wishful thinking. Dave and Courtney.

Peace Out! Christine :D